Chapter Fourteen

Tobias

F ear.

That's all I saw through the glass door of the shower.

That, combined with the fact that she doesn't fucking trust me, is enough to have me questioning my renewed presence in her life. That's the second edge of the sword that grates the most. And it's the sick feeling of that truth, a continual slow pour of the acid constantly churning in my chest, in my gut. The fear in her eyes isn't because she's afraid of me. She's afraid of what being part of us can and has done to her. Still, she holds her head regally high on her slender neck as she rides next to me toward our arranged meeting. Hair still wet, she glosses her lips before smoothing and securing it back into a ponytail. Staring out the window, she remains mute as I grip her hand and bring it to my mouth, pressing my lips against the back of it.

"We have to do this, Cecelia. But I'm hoping this doesn't encroach much on our life here."

"I know."

"We can't negotiate this."

"I know."

"I promised you would be in the know every step of the way."

"I want that."

I glance her way, briefly taking my eyes off the road. "Are you sure? "

"Yes," she says icily. "In the know is a luxury I paid for a long time ago."

"You'll have it, but it's not going to pay off the way you want, at least not at first."

She glances back out of the window, and I slow to a stop on the side of the road because I want her to hear me. She's trapped in the car this way, no escaping the conversation, which is where I need her for this confession. I want to be ready for whatever reaction she has. She frowns when I pull out my phone and compose a text, holding up our meeting. She watches me expectantly when I shoot off the message and face her.

"We're going to have to have one of those conversations now."

"Tobias—" She shakes her head. "I understand why we need security."

"There's more to it."

She bristles. "Goddamnit, isn't it always something?"

"Yes. That's my point. There will always be something. Always. No matter what, there will always be something, and you have to decide if being with me is worth this never-ending hassle and, more importantly, losing your life. Your life , Cecelia, because once you make this decision, there's no going back."

"I made the decision years ago, until you decided for me, remember?"

"Stop being so fucking flippant about this," I bark. "And maybe I'm thinking that it's still a decision for you because maybe you don't feel the same way anymore."

"I'm not being flippant. I'm adjusting. What haven't you told me?"

"Everything I need to because you haven't given me a fucking chance!" I clench my fists, trying my best to level out my temper. "And I get it, okay? I do, but this really is that serious."

She licks her lower lip, her eyes remorseful. "I'm trying."

"I know. Dom's body wasn't even in the ground before Miami retaliated."

Her eyes widen. "What? "

"They came from Florida guns blazing and declared all-out war, just as we finished cleaning up the mess at Roman's house. We were completely unprepared."

"Jesus."

I turn in my seat and fully face her.

"Within a week, they hit every fucking southeast chapter of the brotherhood and successfully killed a raven in every single one , including Alicia's brother. That's how we met, at his funeral. I was there the day they buried him."

She nods solemnly.

"But that's not when we got together. That funeral was just one of a dozen I attended in the month after you left, including Dominic's."

Her eyes fill with nothing but empathy, the reaction of a true queen, not a jealous ex, as she tries to wrap her mind around what I'm telling her.

"They came in droves, Cecelia, and all for. My. Head. You have to remember that only a few founding members knew of my association. Once I was outed by Miami, I became enemy number one. Sean and I split the chapters, amped-up security even though we weren't really on speaking terms. We weren't on any kind of terms at that point, but our dedication was unshakable, and we worked together, and both stepped up. That war lasted a solid six months before it finally started to die out. And it only reinforced my decision to keep you far, far away."

"But... I thought all of those defecting in Miami were killed that night?"

"Some got away, and when they did, they armed up and came back with a vengeance. Miami was one of our best crews for a reason. They were the largest and had the most connections. A few of them had mafia ties, and they were not fucking around. They went straight for the head, me, and it got bad. When that news spread after that shitshow at your dad's house, my authority and control was put into question by the brotherhood. Some thought I'd turned my back for personal reasons. News got muddled, and word spread fast. And it didn't help that we were losing brothers left and right. Families got pissed, and all of them blamed me. It was my worst fucking nightmare. I was sure we were all about to get exposed, and every time I lived past a new threat, I assumed it was about to be over. The longer it went on, the more funerals I attended, the more I tried to right the world of the families that got destroyed before the government stepped in and snatched me. For the first year, I was sure it was all over."

"But nothing ever came of it? No authorities caught wind?"

"The war was spread out across several states. Thankfully, we had enough feds with wings on our payroll to destroy the tie of the markings in the media, but as far as leaving a trail, as careful as we were, I wasn't sure about it because it was an all-out street war by that point."

She swallows. "How many died?"

"Too many." I stroke her cheek with my thumb. "Way too fucking many on both sides."

"Those scars on your back. They're from gunshots?"

I nod.

"When?"

"A year to the day I sent you away, to the day Dom died. Not a coincidence. I was finishing a run a block from my Charlotte office when I got gunned down on a fucking city street. Just more evidence that it wasn't over, which only convinced me I was a fool to think about ever coming for you."

"Did you—" her voice clogs—"did you . . ."

"Almost die? Yes. I was touch and go for about a week, from what Tyler said. And honestly, at that point, I didn't give a fuck if I did. It would have been a relief for me."

Her eyes water. Tentatively, she reaches out and cups my jaw. I cover her hand with mine.

"The aftermath of that night turned out to be far more than we could handle. I was in no position to drag you into that mess, no matter how much I wanted you back. I had eyes on you everywhere. So did your father up until the day he died. It was a silent partnership with my birds and his added security."

She winces .

"I'm not saying this to guilt you, Cecelia. I just want you to know they may seem like excuses, but they are good reasons for me, reasons why I couldn't contact you, couldn't come to you. It was way too fucking dangerous the first few years . Those still wearing wings, still dedicated to the cause, were heavily vetted during that time. To some others, the ones we weren't sure about, we made them believe the brotherhood was dissolving, becoming a thing of the past. Once all hell broke loose, we shrank in size, and in the end, Sean and I decided it was for the best. We knew what we were doing as far as you were concerned. It was safer for us to hurt you emotionally and for you to hate us for it. The more you resented us and stayed away, the better off you were."

She runs her tongue along her lower lip, her eyes searching mine before she pulls her hand away.

"After all this time, you and Sean really never... talked?"

"I tried," I admit. "Of course I tried. I tried to get him into the business side when his son was born to keep him safe, to keep Tessa safe. But no, Sean and I haven't been the same since the day they returned from France and saw us together."

Her voice is distant when she speaks. "All this time, I thought at least you had each other."

I shake my head. "I had my precious fucking club, and that was all I had left, and it was falling apart day by day. Everything I worked for went up in flames the night Dominic died. And I didn't care at that point, but it was the people who depended on me, on us , that kept me going. When the fog of war finally lifted, I got lost. I got lost in my head. And I guess in a way you could say—I went a little crazy."

"I'm . . ."

"Sorry? Don't ever be. It was only the first real taste of reaping what I've sown. I told you long ago I knew it would catch up with me at some point. I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. There's more, and it's coming, but they're waiting for us."

She nods as I turn the ignition and glance in the rearview at the necklace hanging from it. I reach up and pinch the metal wings between my fingers. "When I got here, Sean texted me, asking about you, and for the first time since Dom died, he asked about me . I think he's finally trying to forgive me."

Dropping the necklace, it sways back and forth as I put the car into gear.

"We'll never be the same, but I knew that when I chose you over him, and that was before." I exhale, and dread cloaks me as I fill her in on the rest. "Cecelia, they will always be after me, and I use the term loosely because the they is interchangeable. The night I came to you with that head wound? That was the result of another attempt on me that I wasn't fucking expecting. I put more holes in him than necessary to make sure that was the end of the threat, but instead of doing what I should have and erasing any more threats, I laid low and came straight to you that night."

"Who was it?"

"A house call from an enemy I made in France in my early days for an associate. And there's a really good chance that's not the last retaliation. There are long memories in this game." She mulls over my words. "With you, I continually broke my number one rule. With you, I wasn't thinking like I should have. I never really did after we got together, but I didn't want to be without you."

I stare at the open road before us.

"If we do this, really do this, you need to know, if they ever get to you, the most valuable thing in my fucking life, it's game over for me, Cecelia. End of. I can barely handle dealing with the possibility of losing you. I've only survived this long without Dominic, and losing you, and Sean, my respect, my purpose, I just stopped fucking caring about everything that mattered to me personally. I became someone I didn't recognize, and there was no one there to stop me from..." Flickers of the nights I let depravity consume me flash briefly, shadowing the rest of the light of day in darkness. I reach into those memories in an attempt to describe my state of mind. "I felt better not fucking caring, liberated in a way I have never been because I had nothing to lose. I had no one close to me anymore to worry about, and I was relieved. My head wasn't racing so much, and I wasn't..." I shake my head. "If they get to you now," I grit out, "they take everything . So, this meeting is more than necessary. But all of this can stop right here, right now . I can't walk away from you again, I can't push you away again, and I never will, but you can order me away. If that's your decision, I'll respect it, because Cecelia, there's a very real chance you could die for loving me, and I can only promise to try to keep you safe."

It only takes her a second to nod before she straightens in her seat. "Like I said, I made the decision a long time ago, Tobias. Let's go."