11. Cassian

11

CASSIAN

I 'm fucking up.

Majorly fucking up.

I can barely keep my leg from bouncing with agitation as I stare at the blonde curls that have slipped free from Addi's braid as they dance in the gentle breeze. Waiting for Beau is worse than waiting for my father to realize the error of his ways. Only, the latter is never going to happen.

That's not a thought for now, though. I need to be focused on Addi. She needs me now more than ever and I'm letting her down. She's barely been connected to her wolf for twenty-four hours and I'm not aiding with the transition. Not enough to make a difference. That fact is clear as she braces her elbows on her knees, failing to bite back another wince of pain as she folds in on herself.

My jaw tics, irritation clawing its way through me as I shake my head. We really don't have time to wait for Beau. Brody could use his mage abilities and transport us anywhere in the Floodborn Kingdom, but my damn Alpha insists on waiting him out.

I get why it makes sense, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Not when the corners of her eyes crinkle with discomfort. It's my fault for not considering the blood moon. It's my fault for not putting her wolf first. It's my fault for being swept up in the moment and not considering the adjustment this actually means for her.

Nobody considered my needs when I shifted for the first time, and I'm letting history repeat itself with her. Thinking back to my first time shifting, my gut twists. It wasn't in a damn public bathroom with some asshole's cum inside me and the weight of the kingdom hanging in the balance.

Yet, it still felt tainted.

Pain weighs heavy on my chest. Panic rings in my ears. A whimper bursts from my lips as I fight like hell not to drop to my knees. My vision blurs with unshed tears as I stumble down the stairs, tripping over myself at the last step, but with some grace of a miracle, I manage to catch myself before I face plant on the floor.

My teeth chatter as if I'm cold to the bone, but there's a burning inferno creeping up my spine, threatening to take hold of me.

I need air, and I need it now.

Determined, and fighting against the pain, I manage to make it to the front door, yanking it open with a groan that takes root deep in my gut. The second the cool night air surrounds me, I hope it will calm the rage inside of me, but it does little to appease the anguish tormenting me.

I stagger beneath the dark night sky and my jaw slacks as I gape up at the moon that shimmers from the other side of the tree line. Heat continues to curl through my veins, my breaths falling harsher and shallower with every pass, when the pain ricocheting through my bones reaches new heights.

The fall is inevitable. It happens so fast, I don't know whether the ground rushes up to my palms or I race to it, but regardless, the sharp pain against my hands is short-lived when the sound of bones cracking thunders in my ears.

A roar heats my chest as excruciating pain claims me, and all I can do is pray that death greets me sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately, it seems death isn't ready for me yet.

It feels like forever, my throat hoarse with broken sobs until the pain that echoes through my limbs finally begins to subside. When I dare to blink my eyes open, it's to find myself curled up in a ball. But the fetal position isn't made up of a tangle of arms and legs. No. It's made up of paws and fur and… holy crap.

I'm a wolf.

My heart races as the thunder sings in my ears and I stare at myself.

I've been waiting for this day since the first time I saw someone shift right before my very eyes, and now it's finally here.

On nervous legs, I rise, feeling the mud beneath my paws as I take my first true breath as a wolf.

"Cassian? Is that you?" My head moves so fast I'm shocked I don't snap my own neck as I turn to find Janie a few steps away. A soft smile tips the corner of her lips up as she assesses me before dropping to her knees. "It's okay, Cass. I'm right here."

Her soothing words calm the nerves that tingle from head to toe, fueling the excitement and hope that simmers in my gut instead.

I take a step toward her, then another, and another, until she's close enough to reach for me. The first brush of her fingers in my coat makes me shiver, and her smile grows as she watches me.

"I know it's going to be a lot right now, Cass, but it's okay. Everything is absolutely okay, and anything that may feel weird or strange is highly likely to be okay too. You're beautiful, by the way," she adds, booping me on the nose, and I shake my head, which only makes her snicker at me. "Do you want to ? —"

"Cassian." The bark from my father's lips cuts off whatever she was about to offer. Her shoulders slump and her eyebrows pinch. Thankfully, her back is to my father, who looms a few feet away, so he doesn't see her reaction to his arrival. My father's judgemental gaze sweeps over me before he nods. "It's about time, Son. Now, come."

"What are you little shitheads doing?"

I startle at the sound of Beau's voice, instinct lurching me to my feet, but the quick realization that we're not in danger calms me as I swipe a hand down my face.

Fuck.

Shaking my head, I sense eyes on me, but I fight past it as I try to clear my thoughts. A trip down memory lane is not what I'm looking for, nor will it ever be. Thankfully, Beau interrupted my thoughts before they could get any worse.

I shifted alone, but the lack of care from my father's end and the things he put me through afterward will forever torture my soul. Memories of those times are meant to be buried deep.

Everyone starts moving around me, shuffling to leave and speaking softly as Beau hugs his mother, but I can't settle on anything. My brain is too wired.

"Are you ready?" Beau asks the group, earning a round of yeses from everyone as I immediately shake my head. My shoulders stiffen, the muscles bunching in pain as Adrianna clocks my discomfort first.

"We can't go back to campus, not yet," I blurt, eyes boring into hers as she frowns.

"What do you mean? This was your idea to head back," Raiden grunts, folding his arms in irritation as he glares at me.

"Fuck, I know that, but…" Fuck. If I'm going to even attempt to explain, then I need to piece it together for myself first, but that doesn't seem possible right now. "I mean, Addi needs a minute to learn her wolf, on Floodborn ground, but not at the academy," I state, hoping like hell that it makes sense.

Even if it does, Beau shakes his head at me. "You've been gone long enough."

"She needs a little more time," I bite, anger rearing its ugly head as my hands ball into fists at my sides.

"What's going on, Cassian?" Addi murmurs, inching closer to me despite the pain I know she's in, and I feel like a total ass, but I just need to appeal to her and she'll understand.

Gulping, I attempt the best deep breath I can muster before I reach for her hand. "I need to take you to Janie."

"To Janie?" she repeats in confusion, and I nod. She raises her eyebrows in question, but when nothing immediately comes out, she pushes for more. "I can't figure out why unless you explain it to me." Her words are soft despite her pain, and I take a little strength from that as I turn to Beau.

"Are you Beau, Kryll's older brother, right now, or are you Professor Tora?"

He frowns but stands taller. "Beau, always Beau first," he insists, and I peer at Kryll, needing a nod from him before I go any further. I get it instantly, and the flicker in Kryll's eyes tells me he has a sense of where I'm going with this.

Clearing my throat, my hand tightens on Addi's. "I was never given the chance to connect with my wolf after my first shift, but you have that chance."

Addi blinks up at me, but it's Beau who speaks. "Wolf? You lifted the spell?"

Ignoring his need for confirmation, I look deeper into Addi's eyes. "You're not going to get a moment on campus, and the head of the wolf origin isn't going to be of any use either," I insist, the need to get her to Janie only growing stronger with every passing second.

"So you want to take her to Janie?" Brody asks, his head tilted as he stares at me, and I nod.

"I don't want to. We have to."