4. Lily

Chapter 4

Lily

C aleb had been acting strange since Giano’s. To be fair, he’d tried to punch Damien in the face, but it was more than that. In fact, upon considering it, I realized he’d been acting strange since he’d picked me up earlier in the evening. The thought that maybe my confusion and heartbreak may just be putting him off ran through my head too, and for that, I was angry for making him feel uncomfortable around me. I was new to breakups, so I was probably just doing it wrong. I’d always just suffered everything out in silence, but Caleb had always been there for me during it so I didn’t feel so alone.

Maybe breakups were different, and I was screwing everything up.

I sat next to him on the couch in my tiny off-campus apartment and drew my legs up onto the cushions. “Is everything OK? You’re acting weird.”

He tensed beside me before clearing his throat. “I’m fine. Damien pissed me off. He shouldn’t have said that shit to you.”

I frowned, an old memory resurfacing.

Damien’s warm lips on mine on a patio at a Halloween party after we’d moved in with him and his father on the upper end of the city. The way he’d placed his hands on my hips and tugged me closer. The words he’d whispered to me,“You’re mine, baby sister.” Then, he pulled away and left me breathing harder, stealing my first kiss at fifteen and taking it with him.

We never spoke of that night again, but Damien had watched me until the day I found my mother dead on the floor in her lavish new bedroom, a photo on her phone of Damien’s dad fucking another woman in a text message clearly meant to hurt her.

“Damien is…Damien.” I sighed and rested my head against the back of the couch. “I just ignore him.”

That was a lie. I watched Damien as much as he watched me. Not in a creepy way. It was more like I was anticipating his next move. He and Jace hating one another made things so much worse. It seemed to amplify Damien’s possessive behavior, which in turn ramped up Jace’s. Damien had cornered me several times since I’d started dating Jace to remind me he still owned a little piece of me. Taunting me about whether or not Jace knew our little secret.

It was all too confusing, so I tried to not dwell on it, and I’d never told anyone about the kiss I’d shared with Damien all those years ago.

“You’re lying,” I murmured, looking over at Caleb.

He finished his slice of pizza and chewed slowly for a moment before wiping his lips.

“Caleb? Talk to me. You’re worrying me.”

He hesitated for a moment, his gaze snapping to me before he looked to his hands in his lap. Caleb told me everything and never held back. To see him this way made me concerned.

“It’s nothing, Lil. I’ve just got a lot going on. It’s all good. I’m working on it. Promise.” He gave me a quick smile.

“You know I’ll listen when you’re ready.” I knew he was lying, but I didn’t want to push him on it.

“I know. That’s what makes you so damn perfect.” He sighed and grabbed another slice of pizza and handed it off to me. “Eat. It’s getting cold.” He looked over at me. Something flashed in the depths of his eyes that made my heart jolt. Guilt. I’d seen that look on his face before when he’d gotten caught by his dad for sneaking me into his house late at night during one of my attempted escapes from the foster home I’d been stuck in after my mom passed.

Just as quick as the look flashed over his face, it vanished, leaving behind a small smile that didn’t quite make his eyes sparkle in the way I loved so much.

I took the slice he offered me and bit into it, watching as he grabbed himself another piece. We ate in silence for a long time before he finally spoke.

“What’s going on with you?” He looked over at me. “How are you doing with…Jace?”

I flinched at the mention of Jace’s name. I wanted this night to be about escaping all my painful thoughts on the Jace situation. Caleb was supposed to be distracting me, but he was dragging me right back into my own personal hell.

“I’m OK. Really,” I lied. “It was the right decision. I’m not ever going to be able to give him what he wants. Not after what I watched my mom go through with men and then Rick…” My voice faded away at the mention of Damien’s father’s betrayal.

“I get it. Jace was a dick.”

I let out a little laugh. “He had his moments, but he was so sweet with me.”

“You mean his blatant jealousy?” He raised his brows at me.

I shrugged. “I liked he cared so much, I guess. It was selfish of me to keep him on the hook though. I regret doing that to him.” I paused for a moment. “He still calls. I don’t answer. He sends me texts. I don’t answer those either. I just don’t understand why he’d do those things if he’s off collecting new numbers and…” Again, my voice trailed off. If he really were out there fucking other girls, it hurt. A hell of a lot. My chest clenched at the pain the thought brought. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply as a means to quell the hurt.

Caleb didn’t say anything, but he watched me, concern all over his face. He seemed like he wanted to say something but fought the words. After a long beat of silence, he finally cleared his throat.

“So. There’s a party coming up.”

I raised an eyebrow at the sudden shift in conversation. “A party?”

He nodded. “Yeah, at Satan’s Hollow,” he continued, his voice eerily casual. A slight edge pierced his words though, making me lean in as if being closer would offer insight. I caught a whiff of his cologne and swallowed thickly. I loved the way Caleb smelled. So crisp and clean. Breathing him in always did something funny to the butterflies low in my stomach. I pushed that surge of emotion away, not ready to grapple with it because if losing Jace was hard, losing Caleb would be harder. He was all I had in this world. I couldn’t risk my ridiculous feelings for him screwing everything up. I was experiencing heartbreak firsthand already with Jace, I didn’t want to go through that ever with Caleb.

“This party. It’s different,” he said.

“I’ve heard of it. It’s a masked event so no one knows who is who. Mostly rich people.”

“Right. So I was thinking it might help if you went.” He gave me a quick look.

“Me? Go?” I let out a laugh that held anything but humor. “Why would I do that?”

“Because, Lil, it’s anonymous. You can just be whoever you need to be for the night. There are no expectations. No strings. You just have a good time and roll with whatever happens.”

“Caleb, it’s a sex party,” I blurted out. “Everyone knows it’s about hookups. I don’t…I don’t do that.”

“Maybe you should.” He leveled his gaze on me. “It’s purely hookups, so you wouldn’t feel so pressured to commit. I think it would be good for you.”

“To lose my virginity to some random party bro?” I scoffed at how ridiculous it sounded. “No thanks.”

“Lil, I’m being serious. It would take the pressure off for you. I know you’re worried about commitments and all that. You wouldn’t have to worry. This would give you an experience you might actually like. Think of it as a way to heal and alter things. Besides, if Jace is out there fucking other women, maybe turn the tables on him.”

“By fucking someone else when I wouldn’t fuck him?” I shook my head. “That’s insane.”

He sighed but didn’t look away from me.

I stared back at him, trying to work out why he was pushing this. Caleb didn’t party a lot and Satan’s Hollow had a reputation for being a wild place to party. It was a mansion on campus one of the frat’s lived in. Those guys had a rep of getting around. A lot. More money than brains is what I’d always thought.

The idea of Caleb wanting me to attend a party like this was blowing my mind. It simply wasn’t like him.

“Why are you trying to get me to go?” I asked, studying him.

He shrugged, the tension still very much visible in his body. “I was just thinking, you know, maybe it’s something to help you. That it’s something you should try. You spend your life avoiding being seen, being in love, falling…I don’t know. I just want you to have some happiness. You deserve it. I think this will give you a night you’ll never forget.”

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to his words. They weren’t necessarily wrong, but at the same time, they were so outlandish and definitely not me that I wasn’t sure how to process them. The bigger issue was that I was finding myself intrigued by the idea of it all, and that was scaring me.

“So I’d go and just hook up with a stranger?”

Caleb shifted and fully faced me. “I’m not telling you that. I’m just saying give it a try and see where the night leads. Letting go a little bit can be therapeutic, and let’s face it, Lil. You’ve been harboring a lot of heartbreak in your life. This could be what makes it all better, you know? Who knows. Maybe meaningless sex without the fear of commitment might be just what you need.”

I nervously twisted my fingers together at his words. “Caleb…I-I don’t even know how to have sex. I’d probably end up doing it wrong.”

“You wouldn’t, Lil. You know you wouldn’t.” He leaned into me the same time I leaned into him. His warm touch glided gently along my jaw. “It’s easy. You kiss. You touch.” He moved in closer. “You just let go. Let your body do what it wants. What it desires.”

I exhaled a shaky breath, those butterflies dancing wildly in my stomach at his nearness. I licked my lips, and his eyes darted to the motion, making my heart bang harder in my chest.

Were his eyes always so blue? His lips so…kissable?

The feelings I’d been fighting regarding him reared their head higher, making me yearn to know what kissing him would be like.

No.

I can’t.

I won’t.

What the hell was wrong with me?

“Caleb, I shouldn’t?—”

“Don’t decide right now,” he interrupted, his voice low and sensual. The butterflies were now flapping wildly in my chest and making their way higher. My breathing was short. Desperate. Ragged.

“No one will know it’s you behind your mask. They have keys to rooms for the random hookups. You take the key and go to your room.”

“Then what?” I whispered.

“Then you fuck them.” His lips were nearly touching mine. “It’s a secret you get to keep and enjoy. All night long if you want.”

I inhaled his scent, ready to ask him to just fuck me so I could experience everything about him. I was too shy to just ask and too smart to know it was a terrible idea that could ruin our friendship.

But what better way to get to know your best friend…

My phone buzzed, dragging me away from the moment. I blinked rapidly and pulled away from him, but not before I saw the disappointment in his eyes. Or that’s what I told myself it was because I knew we’d both just crossed a dangerous line.

Quickly, I snagged my phone from the coffee table and answered it.

“Hey, Lily!” Olivia’s voice greeted me. Olivia and I had become friends last year when we’d both volunteered to do a summer reading program for kids in the city. She was bubbly and full of life, which was a stark contrast to who I was. But I adored her. “I have to tell you what I heard.”

I settled back in my seat, noting Caleb was eating more pizza, his focus out the window in my living room to the city outside.

“What did you hear?”

“Jace hooked up with Jessica Meyers. I wanted you to hear it from me before you heard it from anyone else.”

My hand shook as I held my phone to my ear, my heart aching.

You did this.

You broke it off with him.

“How do you know?” I asked, my voice soft and trembling as I worked to keep my emotions in check.

“Abby Radner was blabbing about it tonight at Giano’s. Lana Miller said it’s a good thing you left when you did because you’d have lost it.”

I closed my eyes for a moment. “And you’re sure it happened?”

“That’s the rumor. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to get back to you through someone else.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.”

“I’m here if you want to talk. It sucks he ran off so fast and started back with these hoes on campus. He was like that before you two got together though, so I guess I’m not surprised.”

I let out a soft scoff, knowing exactly how he was before we were together. New girl every other night. The fact he’d been faithful to me despite me not putting out for him was a surprise.

“It’s fine. I’m OK. Caleb is here.”

“Ooh,” she said, laughing a little. “I’d just fuck Caleb and get Jace back. The two never liked each other anyway. That would piss him off and give him a taste of his own medicine.”

I glanced over to see Caleb had finished his food and was staring down at his phone. His dark Henley strained against his muscles, his chest rising and falling evenly.

“Yeah, maybe,” I murmured, making her squeal again.

“Get it, girl. Let me know how it goes.”

“Sure.” We said our goodbyes to another of her excited squeals. I placed my phone back on the coffee table and stared through the same window Caleb had been looking through.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting forward, his phone discarded.

“Jace had sex with Jessica Meyers tonight. Damien wasn’t lying,” I said, the words hurting my entire being.

“I’m sorry,” he answered softly. “What can I do?”

“Tell me more about this party.” I turned to face him. “I think I want to try.”

A tiny smile worked its way onto his lips. His first genuine smile of the night. One that made me want to say to hell with it and just finish closing the distance between us the phone call had ripped me away from.

“Well, it’s at Satan’s Hollow,” he started. “And you wear a mask so no one knows it’s you.”

“And if I want whoever fucks me to know it’s me?” I bit my bottom lip.

His gaze darted to the motion before he looked back into my eyes. “Then let them, Lily.”

My heart lurched at his words, him using my name doing something to my already confused heart.

Then let them.

Maybe that would become my new mantra.

Maybe I could convince Caleb to come with me. Maybe…he’d get a key to my room.

I pushed the thought away, embarrassed by it, but I couldn’t keep it at bay for long.

It plagued me the rest of the evening.