26. countdown to freedom

26

COUNTDOWN TO FREEDOM

DAY 22

Kinsey's goodbye party is a more subdued affair than Nix's, Leo's absence an almost palpable undercurrent. I'm certainly not helping elevate the mood—I've spent the last half hour sitting in a chair in the corner, watching but not really seeing the celebration. I'm mostly left alone.

Everyone thinks I'm bummed about Kinsey leaving. And surprisingly, I am. I'm going to miss her… for exactly six days. She lives in L.A., too, and already demanded my phone number and a promise to meet for coffee. Also surprisingly, I'm looking forward to it. I can't recall the last period of my life when I had any close, female friends. Or any friends, really.

God, I'm such a loser.

Declan drops into the chair next to mine. "Hey. Are these things always this depressing? I expected a little more bang for our buck." His gaze lifts to the ceiling. "Pink streamers? Really? "

My smile is wry. "They do it on purpose. Everything here is done on purpose. You'd do well to remember that."

The weight of his gaze hits the side of my face. "Callum asked me if I named the band after you. You know I didn't, right?"

I nod, glancing at him. "You have a little sister named Amy who used to fall a lot."

He blinks in surprise.

"When you guys got famous, I might have Googled it just to make sure."

He chuckles; it fades on a sigh. "Shit, where did everything go so wrong?"

I consider the question as I look around the room. Tiffany and Preston are laughing at whatever ridiculous joke Ruben is telling them. Frank and Dr. Reynolds are chatting with a grinning Kinsey. Callum and Charlene are handing out slices of cake to the rest of the staff.

"I don't think anything went wrong, exactly," I say slowly. "Maybe some of us just feel things more deeply. So deeply we try to make it stop however we can."

He grunts. "Then what's the point, huh? Why are we here?"

I meet his dark, tired eyes. "Because somewhere inside us is a person who wants to live and be happy."

"And are you, Mia? Happy?"

I snort. "No. But that's got nothing to do with Oasis. But you know what? Today I can honestly say I want to live. And that, my friend, is a goddamn miracle."

The party winds down around ten, and Kinsey and I walk arm in arm toward her cabin. She's blissful at the notion of seeing Teacup tomorrow. And calling Nix.

"So… you and Nix, huh?" I tease.

Her arm tightens on mine. "I don't know. Maybe. I guess I didn't realize how much I liked him until he was gone."

Thinking of Nix's feelings for her, I say, "You should see where it goes. Although, statistically speaking, rehab relationships?—"

"Shut up," she snaps with a grin. "Even if there's nothing there with Nix, you're not getting rid of me that easily. We're besties now."

I sigh dramatically. She merely giggles and pats my arm. When we reach her cabin, we sit on the small stoop and lapse into companionable silence.

"Mia?"

"Yep?"

"Thank you for not asking why I'm here."

I give her the side-eye. "You're welcome. I hope that doesn't mean you're about to tell me."

She laughs softly. "You bitch. Don't you want to know?"

I shrug. Secrets don't have the pull they used to. I haven't felt the itch since… Stumped, I dig through the last couple of weeks. Ah, there it is. Since the day my own secrets swam to the surface and found air.

"I want to tell you," murmurs Kinsey.

I shift to face her, giving her my full attention. "Okay."

"I was abused as a kid. Pretty badly over a two-year period. It was my uncle—my mom's brother. He used to stay with us for a few months at a time. My mom couldn't say no to him. She'd tell my dad he just needed some help getting back on his feet, that he was family, and my dad always fell for it. Anyway, he would sneak into my room at night. Until Dr. Chastain, I'd never told anyone. Shit, I'd buried it so deep I didn't remember a lot of it. I never knew this thing that happened to me when I was little was driving my choices in life. All I knew was that I felt different. Wrong. Hence the night terrors." She pauses. "Doc told me you barged in one night. That you misread the situation and went toe-to-toe with him to protect me."

I squirm in embarrassment. "Uh, yeah. I'm really sorry that happened to you, Kinsey."

She grabs my hand and clamps down hard. "You're a good friend, Mia. I look up to you a lot. We all do."

My jaw drops. "What the fuck for?"

She smiles, shaking her head. "You don't see it, but we do. Your problem—if you have one—is that you're too alive. When the rest of us tried to hide and ignore our broken wings, you tried to fly with them."

I'm so stunned, I just stare at her. My heart thunders in my chest. "I slept with him," I blurt. "With Leo. The night we went camping. That's why he bailed, not because of his kid."

Kinsey blinks rapidly, processing, then squeals in laughter and shoves me hard, rocking me on the stoop. Then she falls onto her back, laughing so hard tears stream from her eyes.

"Oh my God, I'm dying," she gasps. "Dying of how awesome this is. "

"It's not awesome," I hiss. "I broke the poor man and now he hates me and probably himself. Who does that? Who sleeps with their therapist? And keep your voice down, will you? This is fucking top secret."

Wiping her tears, Kinsey sits up and crosses her heart. "I won't tell anyone, Mia. Promise." She sobers—a little. "Are you going to look him up when you get out? His practice is in L.A."

"No. Fuck no. What could I possibly say? Hey, Doc, sorry I almost destroyed your credibility and career. How do you feel about dating ex-patients? " I shudder. "I'd rather stay in Oasis for the rest of my life."

Kinsey's arm wraps around my shoulders. "Hey, you do get that he's equally responsible for what happened, right? He's a grown man. He could have told you to get lost."

Her words, though welcome, do little to soothe the storm inside me. Covering my face with my hands, I mumble, "I don't even know if what I feel is real or some side effect of the therapy. I've never been that vulnerable with anyone who wasn't my brother. It probably messed with my head."

"I don't know the answers, Mia," she murmurs into my hair. "All I know is we aren't the same people we were when we got here. And that you're meeting me for coffee next week. Regret lives in the past and fear in the future, but neither exist in the present. Let's live in the moment, one day at a time."

My hands falling, I glower at her. "I don't even know where to start with that pseudo-spiritual mashup of bullshit. "

She smirks. "That's my girl. So tell me, is Leo hung or what?"

I groan. Then I tell her about the freakiest, best sex ever. She listens with wide eyes and when I'm finished says succinctly, "You're screwed."

Tell me something I don't know.