28. Keke

Chapter 28

Keke

“ D amn, girl, you really did it this time,” I mutter under my breath, my voice hoarse from crying. The events of the previous night play on a reverse-order loop in my mind—the sex, Luke’s laughter, the way he held me—the sheer horror of my outburst that had thrown our world into pure chaos.

My brother will never talk to me again. Whitney and Michael will both hate me. They should. I deserve it.

Luke was so sweet last night, and he seemed so sincere yet I can’t shake the thought that he’ll ditch me once I have this baby. What else do I have to go on besides his history? If that happens, what else can I do besides public relations?

I’ll end up one of those people I’ve always pitied, the people who never get to use their degree. But I’ll do whatever it takes to provide for my kid.

I replay my childhood dreams of becoming a mother in my head. I swore I’d do things different from my parents. My child would grow up in a warm home filled with laughter. The kind of home I never had as a kid.

This is not how I pictured things. This is too soon, too messy, and way too complicated. How can I drag a child into this? I’ve only just begun to build something for myself, and now I may have potentially thrown it all away.

As crazy as it sounds, I feel like fate, in some bizarre, cosmic way, has brought me to this point.

I’ve taken three more pregnancy tests since that first one, all positive. I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist to confirm, but every time I saw that meaningful line, the weight of reality crashed over me again. I know it deep down. I can feel it.

My life, as I knew it, is over. A new one is just beginning to take form inside of me. A part of me wants to embrace this unexpected twist of fate; impending motherhood fills me with both dread and hope.

Maybe this is an opportunity to start over. Again.

I run the practicality of it all in my head repeatedly. I have an aunt in Portland who has always said I was welcome to come stay with her if I ever needed to. I’d visited with Aunt Tessa a few times as a kid, and I always got along with her. We were two peas in an odd pod, and she gave me a strange sense of community whenever I was around her.

Moving away seems perfectly logical. I like Oregon. It’s lush and cool, and the people there are easy-going. The food scene is excellent, so Michael would have an excuse to come see us. Maybe he could introduce his business to the area. Hell, if he didn’t rip me a new one, maybe I could open the first branch of a chain out there.

I could go to Portland, establish myself, find a job, and move on. Plenty of single mothers do it all the time. I can, too.

The attempt to ignore the war in my heart is failing. I keep waiting for the text that will fire me, the message from my brother confirming I had ruined my last chance at a normal relationship with him, and the inevitable text from Luke, telling me he can’t do this. The text that will ultimately shatter my heart into a million pieces.

But emotions aren’t for people like me, so I squash that down.

I sit on the edge of the bed, feeling as if the weight of the world is pressing down on me. It’s hard to breathe, and I fear I may have a panic attack. My phone buzzes. I snatch it up, wondering which terrible text it’s going to be, but it’s nothing more than a notification from a news app about the upcoming hockey season. I toss the phone aside, the tension in my chest tightening.

I can’t just sit around and wait for those messages. I have to take control, and to do that, I need to have a plan in place. With trembling hands, I dial my aunt’s number, pacing my room. When Aunt Tessa picks up, tears spring to my eyes.

“Hey, sweetie! What’s going on?” she asks, her voice warm and kind. I miss her more than I’d realized.

“I… I think I need to come stay with you for a while,” I blurt out, unable to contain the flood of tears. “I’m in a mess, and I don’t know what else to do.”

“Okay, slow down. What happened?”

I take a deep breath and pour my heart out to her. I tell her everything—how I landed this great job then ended up pregnant by the guy I was supposed to be fixing, a guy I genuinely liked. How I had just ruined the biggest night of my career, and how I felt completely and utterly lost. How Michael would never forgive me for screwing this up. How much I hated myself for my bad choices. All of it. By the end, I trailed off because my voice broke and I couldn’t talk anymore.

“…just think it might be better to leave before anyone can make a bigger deal about it,” I say, my voice cracking between sobs. “I don’t want to face the fallout.”

“Keke, it’s understandable to feel crushed right now,” Aunt Tessa says gently.

“That’s exactly the right word for it, crushed,” I reply miserably. I knew she would understand.

“But you ought to give everyone else the chance to be understanding, too.”

I blink. “What do you mean?”

“They can’t surprise you if you don’t let them be there for you, and you don’t have to face this alone. From the sound of things, you’ve got three people in your corner down there. Let them help you.”

“I can’t,” I admit, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’ve already messed everything up. They set boundaries, and I crossed them?—”

“No, you didn’t.”

“No, I really, really did. Didn’t you catch the part about getting knocked up?”

She snickers. “Honey, boundaries are for yourself. Rules are what you expect other people to follow, and they set down some rules that just didn’t work for you. That’s all this is.”

“That’s all this is?” I ask, my voice rising with every syllable. “Are you kidding me right now? I am pregnant, Aunt Tessa. This isn’t about not following the rules?—”

“Well, honey, the way I see it, it is. You broke rules they made that didn’t work for you, and so, they can just get over it. You didn’t make those rules up, they did. The only rules you have to worry about are the ones you set for yourself.”

I huff at the thought. “Pretty sure everyone else in the world would disagree with you.”

“That’s fine. They get to be wrong.”

I laugh and shake my head. Same old Aunt Tessa.

“Rules, boundaries, whatever you want to call it, I fucked up.”

Maybe. But if you run away, you’re not giving them the chance to prove that they really can be there for you.”

I groan as I face-palm myself. “I don’t think that’s how this works.”

“Then you deal with it as it comes.” She sighs. “You have always been more like me than your mom. Stubborn as all hell. For the sake of your child—if you’re planning on keeping it—you have to give this a shot.”

“I don’t know?—”

“You’re stronger than you think, and you deserve to give yourself a chance to find out if the people in your life will surprise you and handle this like adults.”

I open my mouth to respond, but before I can say anything, I hear the front door creak open, and my heart skips a beat. Luke was supposed to be at work all day, what is he doing home so early?

“Hey! You home?”

“Uh, yeah,” I reply, trying to sound casual as I wipe my tear-streaked face. I didn’t want him to see how wrecked I was.

He walks in and stops instantly when he spots me on the couch. “You look, well, like you’ve had a rough morning.”

“I’m fine,” I snap, a little too defensively. “Gotta go, Aunt Tessa.”

“Okay, then,” he says, raising an eyebrow but not pushing any further. Instead, he steps closer. “Get cleaned up and put on a nice dress. We’re going out.”

“Going out?” I echo, my mind racing. “Why?”

“Because I want to take you out,” he replies, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

“Luke, I don’t think it’s a good idea right now,” I say, my voice shaky.

“Why not?” he presses, genuinely curious.

“Because I’m a mess,” I admit, my defenses crumbling under the weight of his gaze. “I’ve ruined everything. Remember?”

“What happened last night was unexpected, sure, but you didn’t ruin anything. I’m not going anywhere, Keke. I mean that. I want to be with you.”

“What if you change your mind once the reality of this sinks in?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. “Once I get fat and the baby comes and everything else?”

Luke reaches out, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “None of that is going to make me change my mind. I’m here for you, and I want to be part of this, whatever this is.”

Tears well up in my eyes again, and I try to fight them back, furious at myself for getting emotional again. Emotions are not me. Never me. “But what if I’m not ready for this? What if I can’t be a good mother?”

“Hey,” he says softly, his thumb gently tracing my cheek. “You don’t have to have all the answers right now. We’ll figure it out together.”

I feel like I’m about to fall apart, like the walls are closing in around me. “What if I fail?”

“You won’t fail,” he assures me. “But if you need a break, I’ve got it. That’s why parents usually come in twos.” He smiles.

I don’t know what to say to that. My heart is torn between wanting to lean into his comfort and the fear that I could be on the brink of losing everything.

Without warning, nausea takes over.

“I just need time,” I murmur, looking down at my hands as if they hold all the answers. “I’m not sure what I want yet.”

He nods, his expression patient, and I can see the concern in his eyes. “Then let’s take it one step at a time. But you need to let me in, Keke. Shutting me out won’t help either of us.”

“Okay, fine,” I say, my voice steadier than I feel. “Let’s go out.”

Maybe it will take my mind off of things. Maybe I haven’t ruined everything after all. Maybe this really is the start of something new.