12. Bastian

BASTIAN

I didn’t sleep well again and when I looked at myself in the mirror on that Christmas Eve morning, I looked like death.

I didn’t feel great either.

My body ached from the lack of sleep, my stomach was in knots, and my heart felt chipped and cracked after what Benji had said in the park. I knew I only had myself to blame, but fuck it hurt.

It hurt like hell.

I showered, my skin tender.

I dressed, defiantly putting on the YMCA Elves sweater, then headed downstairs where Lonnie and Ronnie were already busily preparing for their big Christmas Eve lunch, while Connie and Great Nan sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast.

“Merry Christmas Eve!” Lonnie and Ronnie sang out to me the moment I appeared in the kitchen doorway.

“Christmas Eve breakfast is a help-yourself arrangement this morning,” Ronnie said. “We have scrambled eggs, French toast, bacon, hash browns, yoghurt and a selection of cereals set up on the side table over there, buffet style, just like a posh hotel. Mind you, you’re probably used to those fancy breakfasts working at the Waterford-Chancellor. I bet they serve eggs Benedict there. Am I right?”

“Yes, you’d be right.”

“Did you hear that, darling? They have eggs Benedict at the Waterford-Chancellor. That’s Michelin star stuff.”

But Lonnie wasn’t listening. As she pulled a glazed ham out of the oven, she must have noticed how crap I looked. “Bastian, darling, you look exhausted. How did you sleep? Is the pillow soft enough for you? Is the comforter not too hot? I hope the incident with the Octopus Trap hasn’t left you bruised.”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“What about taking some vitamins? Will a vitamin help?” She twisted her neck to call to Ronnie even though he was right behind her peeling potatoes. “Darling, would you mind getting some vitamins from the vitamin drawer for Bastian? I stocked up on a whole bunch of them just last week.”

Ronnie immediately stopped peeling, wiped his hands on the tea towel slung over his shoulder, and started opening drawers. “Sweetheart, which is the vitamin drawer again?”

“It’s the one with Great Nan’s jewels in it.” She turned to me and said by way of explanation. “Those necklaces are worth a fortune. We wouldn’t want the thieves to get them. They wouldn’t dream of looking there.”

“Ah, got it.” A moment later, Ronnie stepped toward me juggling an armful of pill bottles. “Okay, what do we have here. Vitamin A, vitamin B, vitamin D…”

“That’ll be good for your hair and nails,” Lonnie mentioned.

“There’s also some zinc and magnesium, omega three and ooh, look at these, folic acid to help relieve constipation.”

“Are you feeling constipated, dear?” asked Lonnie.

I shook my head. “Not last time I checked.”

“Oh good. It’s important to stay regular. Darling, give Bastian everything and he can take his pick then help himself to breakfast. Bastian, sweetheart, if there’s nothing on the buffet that takes your fancy, Maggie will be here shortly with a batch of puppy chow. If nothing else perks you up, I’m sure that’ll do the trick. There’s enough sugar in Maggie’s puppy chow to bring back the dead. We should know, we’ve used it on Great Nan on more than one occasion.”

Ronnie unloaded the bundle of pill bottles into my arms then returned to his potato peeling.

I leaned over a nearby countertop and shuffled them all onto the surface, righting the ones that threatened to roll onto the floor. “Maybe I’ll go through these later. Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help?”

“Absolutely not, dear. You just take a seat with Connie and Great Nan and get some food into you. It’s going to be a big day today. First there’s lunch, then there’s the big town parade tonight. You’re going to need your energy.”

I crossed over to the buffet, put a few strips of bacon onto a plate and joined Connie and Great Nan at the table. “The parade. I forgot all about that.”

“How could you forget?” Lonnie said with a shimmy of excitement. “It’s going to be so much fun. Not to mention, Ronnie and I have a little surprise for you all.”

“You do?” Connie asked. “What is it?”

Ronnie shook his potato peeler playfully at her. “Well now, if we told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”

“Thank God, logic finally prevails in this crazy family,” blurted Great Nan between mouthfuls of French toast. “What other pearls of wisdom you got, Einstein?”

“Now, now, Great Nan,” said Connie. “It’s Christmas Eve. It’s a time for joy and peace. Take deep breaths in and out. In with love, out with hate. In with love, out with—”

“If you don’t mind, I’m busy with my own mantra,” grumbled Great Nan. “In with French toast, out with gas. In with French toast, out with gas.”

Connie’s eyelids flapped and she waved her hand in front of her nose. “Oh, you ain’t kidding.” She blocked her nostrils and glanced at me as I kept eating. “Can you not smell that?”

I shook my head. “My sense of smell isn’t so great. Same with my taste.”

“I’ll take your bacon if you don’t want it,” said Great Nan. “Why waste good bacon if you can’t taste it?”

“There’s plenty to go around,” Lonnie said as she poked cloves into the ham. “Connie, if Great Nan’s still hungry, would you mind serving her more.”

“Great Nan’s always hungry.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m not hungry at all. Great Nan can have mine.” I slid my plate over to Great Nan and pushed my chair out. “If you guys are sure you don’t need any help, I think I’ll take a stroll.”

“That’s a good idea, sweetheart. A little fresh air will do you good. Just make sure you rug up, they’re expecting even more snow today.”

“I will. Thanks for breakfast. Back soon.”

As the snow fluttered down, I saw the people of Mulligan’s Mill getting Main Street ready for the big Christmas Eve parade. Under the direction of Harry, who carried a coil of festive lights under one arm and stack of traffic cones in the other, the residents of the town erected barricades, shoveled snow and hung banners that read Mulligan’s Mill Christmas Eve Parade from one streetlamp to the next.

There was a buzz of excitement in the air, but I struggled to find anything joyous in that moment. Last night’s conversation with Benji continued to plague my thoughts and bruise my already battered heart.

I walked onto Main Street Bridge and stopped halfway across, leaning against the railing to gaze down.

The river’s edges were frozen white, with some sections of ice almost connecting from one side to the other. The dark blue of the gurgling waters could only be seen in patches. Soon, the river would freeze over completely.

I was reminded of the song “ River ” by Joni Mitchell, and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to pack up my sad, fractured heart and skate away.

There was no doubt I had been selfish.

There was no doubt I was sad.

The question was, had I lost the best man I ever had?