8. Bastian

BASTIAN

I changed my clothes for dinner three times.

I had decided to leave everything in my suitcase, not wanting to put my clothes away in the dresser that had once belonged to Benji. Lonnie and Ronnie had painted the dresser beige, stripping it of all the character that Benji had given it in his teenage years—the mismatched knobs and the distressed rustic look—transforming it into a nondescript piece of furniture that served its function as a dresser and nothing more. But I had reached into the top drawer of that dresser so many times, blindly fumbling for Benji’s lube and condoms in the heat of passion, that placing my clothes inside it now would do nothing but bring back a flood of memories and regrets.

And so my clothes remained in my suitcase, the mound of shirts and sweaters getting messier each time I changed until eventually I settled on my corny Elf sweater and jeans.

I checked my face and hair in the mirror atop the dresser.

I looked okay. I looked decent. I looked better than I did in the months after leaving Benji, when the whole ordeal really took its toll on me.

I checked the clock on the bedside table. It was almost six.

With a deep breath, I mustered up the courage to head downstairs and spend a little time with Lonnie and Ronnie before the impending arrival of Benji.

Chris Rea’s “ Driving Home for Christmas ” was playing. Connie had already left to accompany Maggie and Great Nan to watch the carolers in the park, leaving Lonnie and Ronnie to do the one thing they loved most—cook dinner together.

“Oh, you look lovely, sweetie,” Lonnie said as I stepped into the kitchen, her hips swaying merrily in time to the music. She was checking on the meatloaf while Ronnie stirred a saucepan of gravy.

“Thanks. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not at all, everything is under control. The meatloaf is almost done, green beans and carrots are warming in the oven, I’ve steamed some baby potatoes swimming in buttery goodness, and your father is whipping up his special gravy and can’t take his eye off that saucepan for a second.”

“You mean, Ronnie.”

“What did I say?” Lonnie asked.

“You called him my father.”

“Oh, well, he practically is, darling. You know you’ll always be family to us.”

I forced a smile. “Thanks. Unfortunately, I don’t think Benji sees it that way. I know I’m the one who invited him tonight, but I gotta admit, I’m kinda nervous.”

“You’ll be fine,” Ronnie said, still stirring his gravy. “The minute you and Benji see each other again, it’ll be like old times. The past will be forgotten and the two of you will get along like a house on fire.”

“Just so long as that house on fire isn’t this one. I mean, I know he’d never do anything crazy like that, I just… Oh wow, I just need to take a breath.”

Lonnie tilted her head and jutted out her bottom lip in empathy. “Oh, you poor petal, I know you’re anxious. And we know Benji can be cranky and moody and a bit of a sad sack sometimes. But I honestly believe that you two seeing each other again after all this time is going to help heal those nasty old wounds. Oh, which reminds me…” Lonnie went to a kitchen drawer and pulled out two large pink crystals I’d never seen before. “These are rose quartz crystals. I found them in Connie’s room, along with a book entitled Healing the Soul, One Rock at a Time . Apparently rose quartz is the most powerful crystal for healing the heart. I’m going to put one under your chair at the dinner table, and one under Benji’s.”

Ronnie looked up from his gravy, saw the crystals and whistled. “Would you look at those. They must be worth a pretty penny.”

“That’s what I thought too,” agreed Lonnie. “Which is why I hid them in the utensils drawer along with the iPad. No thief would ever think to look in the utensils drawer. Here, Bastian. Take them and pop them under Benji’s and your chairs. He’ll never notice them.”

“I don’t know about—”

“Just do it, dear. Both your hearts need healing. And if something else comes of it, so be it.” Lonnie gave a suggestive wink then carefully placed the crystals in my hands before I turned for the dining room.

I had eaten at the family dinner table so many times that I knew which was Benji’s favorite chair and which was mine. At least, that was the way it used to be. Would he still want to sit in the same place he sat in when we were a couple?

I had no clue, but then again, I had no real belief that the rose quartz would work at all, so I shrugged and put the crystals under the seats we used to sit in anyway.

As soon as I had done so, I heard the front door open and close.

“Mom? Dad? I’m here.”

I stood quickly from my crouching position next to his chair.

Too quickly.

I lost my balance.

Hastily I gripped the back of the chair to steady myself, but I seized it on a bad angle and just as Benji stepped into the dining room, I fell, toppling backward and pulling the chair down with me.

I landed with a thump and Benji came running. “Shit, Bastian. Are you okay?”

“Oh God, yeah, I’m okay. Just embarrassed as all hell, that’s all.”

He took my hand and helped me up. Instantly I felt a flash of the old chemistry between us as his hand touched mine. Even though I knew how much he hated me for what I’d done to him—even though I knew Benji Larson well enough to realize the fortress he’d built around his heart would be near impenetrable—I still felt the old spark ignite between our palms.

I let him help me to my feet and I met his gaze.

I saw the hint of something special, something still burning behind the glaze of anger in his eyes.

I wondered if he could see the regret and sorrow in mine.

I would never know, for in the next moment Lonnie appeared. She saw the overturned chair and hurried toward me. “Oh Bastian, darling. Are you hurt? What happened?”

“Nothing. I’m fine, really. I just made a complete fool of myself by leaning on the chair and tipping it over. It’s nothing.”

I could feel the flush of humiliation in my cheeks.

At the same time, Lonnie glanced down to see the crystal in plain view on the floor, before she positioned the chair just so to prevent Benji from spotting it. “Bastian, why don’t you sit yourself down, dear. You’ve had a long day of travel, you must be tired.”

Lonnie sat me in the chair and the crystal was now well and truly concealed.

She turned to Benji, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, “It’s good to see you, sweetheart. Why don’t you take a seat too? Dinner’s almost ready… isn’t that right, darling?” she called into the kitchen.

“Not long now,” Ronnie called back. “So long as I don’t take my eye off the gravy.”

As Lonnie hastened back into the kitchen, Benji gravitated naturally to his old chair.

I grinned like an idiot, trying to nip any tension in the bud and fill the room with light-hearted conversation from the get-go. “So… you look great. You look healthy. Have you been working out?”

Benji looked at me like I was either lying or delusional. “Since when have I ever worked out?”

I shrugged. “You look good. That’s all I’m saying.”

He took in a long breath and toyed with the hem of the tablecloth as he said, “You look good too, I suppose.” He glanced up as though to fact-check his own statement, then added, “I see you’re wearing the YMCA Elves sweater.”

I smiled, somewhat nervously. “Yeah. I thought maybe you’d be wearing the Maca-reindeer sweater.”

He shook his head. “I had it on earlier. But I thought it’d be in poor taste to wear it tonight, you know, given the fact that we bought those sweaters when we were a couple and now… well, clearly I’ve moved on.”

“Oh. Um. Do you want me to get changed?”

“No, you’re wearing it now. It’s okay, it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.”

I felt like a knife was turning in my chest. Although I had to admit, it was a knife I’d plunged there myself. “That’s… that’s good you’ve moved on.”

“I didn’t exactly have a choice, did I.” He gave me a flat stare. “Besides, it doesn’t really fit you anymore. It looks too big for you. If I’m honest, you’re looking kinda thin. You’re thinner than you used to be. You didn’t need to lose weight. Why would you bother losing weight? Did you do it to please that skinny, pretty, blond boyfriend of yours?”

I’d almost forgotten the FaceTime phone call on my birthday, when Benji and Sterling had first encountered one another then proceeded to fight like a pair of alley cats. “No! I didn’t lose weight for him. I would never lose weight just because someone wanted me too, least of all Sterling.”

“Why? Don’t you like him?”

“What? No. Yes. I mean, I like him just fine. He’s a nice… He’s Sterling.” I felt my efforts to keep things light-hearted were failing miserably. “Can we please not talk about Sterling?”

“Happy to!”

“Happy?” said Lonnie as she and Ronnie returned from the kitchen. “Did I hear someone say they’re happy? Oh, Ronnie, I told you they’d be getting along swimmingly.”

With her hands in oven mitts, Lonnie brought her meatloaf to the table while Ronnie carried a bowl of carrots, beans, and baby potatoes in one hand and a ceramic gravy boat in the other.

“We knew you two would love seeing each other face to face again,” Ronnie said. “Here’s to a memorable evening together. Dinner is served.”

Ronnie carved the meatloaf while Lonnie served vegetables onto everyone’s plates.

As the gravy boat was passed around, I said to Lonnie and Ronnie, “Thank you, this smells amazing. And thank you for inviting me into your home.”

I caught a glimpse of Benji rolling his eyes before Lonnie reached across and patted my hand. “We’re so glad you’re here. It’s been far too long, sweetie.”

“It feels like decades since we saw you,” added Ronnie cheerily.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Benji chimed in, a barbed tone in his voice. “It feels like a million years ago. I mean, so much has happened in Mulligan’s Mill since Bastian fled town with his tail between his legs.”

I hung my head in shame at that remark while Benji continued talking. “For example, Mitch Winton returned home, and he and Gage fell back in love with each other. Bud opened a flower shop and fell in love with Pascal, the grumpy French pastry chef next door. Then River came back to town and realized he’s been in love with his best friend Clarry all these years. Oh, and let’s not forget… I met my new boyfriend and we fell head over heels in love too.”

“And I couldn’t be happier for you,” I lied, while Lonnie and Ronnie gave each other a look of confusion and utter surprise.

“Wait a minute. You’ve fallen in love?” Lonnie asked.

“What?” Ronnie asked.

“Where?” said Lonnie.

“How?” exclaimed Ronnie.

“With who?” they asked together.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised. Yes, I’m in love. It’s early days, but I have to say that he and I were meant for one another.”

“When did this happen?” asked Ronnie. “Why haven’t you told us?”

“Did you meet him on the worldwide internet?” Lonnie cut in. “Does he practice safe sex? Is it someone we know? It’s not Kenny Cockroach, is it darling?”

“No, it’s not Kenny Cockroach! You don’t know him, he’s new in town. His name is Abe and I met him at Aunt Bea’s bar. As a matter of fact, he’s Aunt Bea’s cousin. He came to town looking for work.”

“What does he do?” Ronnie asked.

“Well, he’s… um… he’s a lumberjack.”

“A lumberjack?” I blurted the words out, not intending to sound as shocked as I did. Since when did Benji date lumberjacks?

“Yes, a lumberjack,” Benji snapped back. “Is it so unbelievable that I’d date a lumberjack? Here, I’ve got the photos to prove it.”

Benji pulled his phone out of his pocket, swiped to his photo library and turned his phone around to show me a picture of a large Black man with a smooth, shaved head, full lips and a fierce, smoldering look in his eyes. He was standing in a bar and wearing a blue flannel shirt, tight-fitting blue jeans, and if I wasn’t mistaken—

“Is that glitter on his cheeks?”

“No, it’s not glitter! It’s sweat from all the hard work he does. Have you ever cut down a tree before? It’s sweaty work.”

I passed the phone to Lonnie who said to Ronnie, “Look darling. Our son’s dating a big Black lumberjack.”

“Well whaddaya know. He has very smooth skin for a lumberjack. I was expecting a beard for some reason.”

“Dad, could you please not stereotype people? Enough with the pigeonholing. You can be a lumberjack without a beard, you know. It’s so offensive to give people labels. Abe hates it.”

“So, he’s more of a lumber- they/them rather than a lumber jack ,” Lonnie commented.

“No… Mom… now you’re just turning things into a mockery.”

“Oh darling, that’s not what I’m doing at all. I’m simply asking questions so that I can be more informed. That’s exactly what I did when you told us you were gay and now I know all about docking and tea-bagging. We’ve even tried a few things out ourselves, haven’t we darling. These days I can knot your father’s penis like I’m crocheting a cardigan.”

“Mom! Change the subject, please!” Benji snatched his phone back. “You’ll all get a chance to meet Abe for yourselves when he comes to Christmas Eve lunch, and when you do can we please not discuss knotting?!”

“You’ve invited him to our family lunches?” Lonnie asked, somewhat surprised. “But Bastian’s here for Christmas.”

“Mom, Bastian’s not my boyfriend, remember? Abe is. I know you and Dad are happy to have my ex-boyfriend at our table for Christmas, but if it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer to invite my current boyfriend. Don’t you think that’s a little more appropriate?”

Silence fell over the table, and I suddenly had no appetite for dinner… or for Christmas Eve lunch… or for Christmas Day lunch or any meals with the Larsons. I put down my fork and wiped my mouth with my napkin. “This was a bad idea. Perhaps I should be leaving.”

I moved to stand from the table, but Lonnie grabbed my hand. “Bastian, no. You’re not going anywhere. Now please, sit down and let us all enjoy a nice homecooked meal together.”

“Actually, I’m not sure I’m even hungry anymore,” Benji said, pushing his plate away.

“Son, don’t be like that.”

“Like what, Dad? Like I’m annoyed as hell that you’re clearly more concerned about Bastian’s feelings than you are about mine? Well guess what, I am. Why do you two always insist on forgetting what he did to me? Why do you keep taking his side?”

“Because he’s family,” Ronnie said.

“No, he’s not, Dad. I am, and there you go defending him again. I’m done with it.” Benji pushed his chair out and got to his feet, but as he did, he stood straight onto the rose quartz under his chair. His ankle rolled and he staggered toward me. “Ow! Fuck! What the fuck?”

I jumped from my chair and caught him, my arms wrapping around him as I swiftly steadied him. “Benji, are you okay?”

But he simply pushed himself off me, limped a couple of steps back and glared angrily at the large pink crystal on the floor. “What the fuck is that?”

“It’s nothing, darling,” said Lonnie, moving quickly toward her son. “Are you hurt? Let me find something to put on that ankle. I’ve got some steak in the freezer that’ll do the trick.”

“Ew! Yuck. No. I don’t need a steak on my ankle. And I don’t need rocks under my chair. Did Connie give you that? What is it, some kind of magic crystal?” He craned his neck and saw the rock under my chair too. “Oh, please don’t tell me you’re trying to cast some ridiculous love spell on me and Bastian. Oh my God, what has this family come to?”

“It’s not Connie’s fault. I found them in her room,” Lonnie confessed. “I just thought—”

“You thought what, Mom? That it’d be just peachy if Bastian and I got back together again?” He turned to me, his brow pinched and his glasses sliding down his nose like they always did when he was angry. “What about you? Were you in on this too? I thought you already had a boyfriend. Or are you ready to get up and leave him too?”

“I… I… I…” I stood there like a fool. I didn’t know the answers to his questions.

Benji threw one hand up dismissively and turned to leave. “You know what? I’m done with this conversation. I’ll see you all for Christmas Eve lunch where you can all meet Abe and finally realize I’ve moved on. Bastian and I are never getting back together. We’re history.”

With that, he limped to the door and slammed it shut behind him.

Lonnie looked at me, her face full of remorse. “I’m so sorry, dear. I should never have asked you to put those crystals under the chairs. Placing them on the mantle beside the three wise men probably would have done the trick.”

“He’s pretty mad, isn’t he,” I said.

“He’s mad all the time these days,” said Ronnie. “He’ll come around.”

Lonnie gave a worried look. “I’m not so sure. Our son’s fallen in love with someone else, and you know what they say… once you go lumberjack, you never go back.”

“That’s a thing?” I asked dubiously.

“I believe so, dear.” She gave a long, sad sigh. “Ronnie, darling. Help me find enough Tupperware for all this meatloaf. I don’t think any of us are hungry anymore.”

As Lonnie and Ronnie headed into the kitchen, I sat back in my chair.

Confused…

Hurting…

Feeling all my regrets turn everything inside me cold and dank, like snow turning to sludge when the rain comes, melting what was once bright and happy into a gray, murky mess.

Why had I done the things I’d done?

How could I ever make things right again?

Did I want Benji back more than I wanted to continue my relationship with Sterling?

Deep down, I knew the answer to one of those questions.