25. Emotion Overflow

25

Emotion Overflow

Deacon

My mind is a black hole. Dark thoughts have invaded every corner, and there's not enough light in the world to stop them. The worst part is, it's all my fault.

I took out my anger, fear, and frustration on Alice when she's been nothing but helpful when it comes to Lola—who, by the way, is grounded for life.

After I picked her up from the fast-food joint last night, she apologized all the way home and again this morning. I don't think she'll pull a stunt like that again anytime soon. The punishment puts my mind at ease. At least when it comes to my niece.

I tried to distract myself by working out this morning while blasting some music in my headphones, but the only thing that did was give me a headache. Looks like I'm back to being the guy I was before I met Alice.

We have our sessions with Dr. S. today, and I'm really not in the mood for talking. I'm two steps away from calling and canceling, but I know it'll be good for Lola. There's no way I'm letting her end up like me.

I drag myself down the stairs, and just as I'm closing the front door, Alice shuffles out of her building. One look at her, and it's like I've just been hit in the chest with a dagger. Her eyes are puffy and red, dark circles underneath them. She looks exhausted. Drained of the usual joy that makes her who she is. And I hate seeing her like that. More proof that I destroy everything I touch, everyone I love. Which is why I have to stay away from her. She deserves better.

Our gazes cross, and I now feel like I'm bleeding out on the sidewalk, because what I see in her eyes is pure hatred and disappointment. The worst cocktail in history. She was happy when I met her, living in her personal romcom full of hope and pink and bows. In just three short weeks of dating her, I swooped in and burst that optimistic bubble she'd built. As always, I'm the villain who wrecks everything in his path.

I open my mouth to try and talk to her, but I'm not sure words will come out. What could I even say? That I'm sorry? That's not nearly enough. No apology on the planet could make up for my outburst. So, I stay silent. In a way, it's not a bad thing. She's better off hating me.

Her gaze drops to her feet, and she just walks back inside, slamming the door behind her.

Lola peers at me for a second, but she doesn't dare engage as we start the walk to Dr. S.'s office. She keeps her mouth firmly shut, and I stay silent too. Silence is a lot better than words, if you ask me.

She has her session first, then it's my turn. When I enter his office, I want to grab Dr. Stewart's stupid notebook and throw it out the window. Instead, I pace around the room.

"How are you, Deacon?" he asks, a little frown pulling at his lips. The fact that I barely said hello, and that I'm getting in my steps for the day, should probably give him some idea.

"Lola told me what happened," he continues. "Is that why you're angry?"

I stop dead in my tracks, throwing him a death glare. "Angry? You think I'm angry? You should get a refund for your Harvard diploma if you took one look at me and decided I was angry!"

"Then tell me. How do you feel?" he asks, unfazed by my outburst.

I run a hand through my hair and pull it hard. "I—I'm mad, frustrated, hurt. I feel guilty, empty, and I regret my actions. Is that enough emotions for you, doc? Tell me, what's the cure?"

A faint smile twitches at his lips. "That's a lot of emotions, Deacon. Any human being would feel ."

"It's all my fault," I groan.

"What is your fault?"

"I yelled at Alice, told her she was immature, that she was a bad influence on Lola. Now, we're over."

He nods, writing in his notebook. "And you regret telling her that?"

"Of course I do. She's not a bad influence. She's been the exact opposite from the moment she entered our lives. I was just angry at Lola, scared of losing her."

"I see. And you don't think Alice will ever forgive you?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "Don't you get it? I don't want her forgiveness. She's better off without me. Besides, I deserve the pain."

"That's not true, Deacon. Relationships are tricky, and we all say things we don't mean sometimes. But if we make amends, most anything can be forgiven."

I look away. "I told you, I don't want that."

"But when you came in, you said you had regrets."

"Because I hate all the pain I've caused her. She's different now, I can tell. And it's all because of me."

He frowns. "Why not try to repair that relationship, then?"

I bite the inside of my cheek so hard, I almost draw blood. "Because I'm not worth it. And if she forgives me, it'll only be a matter of time before I find another way to hurt her. That's just who I am. A screw-up who doesn't deserve love."

"Love? Are you saying you're in love with her?"

I pause, the word resonating in my empty brain. I'm pretty sure I do love Alice. I've never felt this way about anyone before. Frankly, I didn't even think my heart could work this way. But Alice changed everything.

"Yes, I'm in love with her."

Alic e

Tears pool in my eyes as I run back upstairs. My life is over. I can't bear to see Deacon—heck, I can't be within a one-mile radius of him without breaking into tears. I've never felt so hollow, and nothing seems to ease my pain. This was the third time I've seen him in the few days since we broke up, and it always ends the same way.

Hayley and Emma have tried to cheer me up. I chatted with friends on Bookstagram, fiddled with some graphics for my upcoming posts, drafted the bookstore newsletter, and of course, read and colored my books. But the pain still hangs over my shoulders, too big to be overcome.

"You don't have to work today," Emma says with a comforting smile, approaching from the corridor. "Take the day off."

I shake my head. "Thanks, but I'd rather be working. It's the only thing keeping me sane."

She presses her lips in a tight line. "Sure."

"Seriously," I say, trying to pull a smile. "I'm okay."

She folds her arms. "No, you're not."

I sigh. "Fine, I'm not okay. But I will be. It'll pass."

She nods, squeezing my hand. I'm so grateful for her and Hayley, who just came out of her room to help draw me into a three-way hug.

"You know," Hayley says, "you should come with Marissa, Beth, and me to the game tonight. You too, Emz. "

"Um . . ." she mumbles, scratching her neck.

"Oh come on. It's always a fun time. The Raptors are kicking ass and heading to the playoffs."

I nod. "Sure, I'll come. It's been a while since I've seen them play."

I don't think it's really going to help, but I keep that to myself. I've never been a fan of the sport, and I often daydream during games. But the alternative is staying home and being buried in my thoughts. At least if I go to a hockey game, there's a slight chance that my friends, the music, the cold, the guys smashing against the plexiglass, and the fans cheering in the stands will take my mind off my misery.

Hayley and I head downstairs to the bookstore while Emma goes out shopping.

Work helps, and after a while, I feel like myself again. With every book I shelf and every recommendation I give out, I feel just a bit better.

Until Lola Collier shuffles into the bookstore. Suddenly, my heart shatters in a thousand pieces again, and I feel like I can't breathe.

Hayley's gaze travels between us at lightspeed, even though she's with a customer. But Lola is walking straight toward me, and I know there's no escape. I'm not really mad that she's here. Even if her antics left me disappointed, I still love her, and she's a good kid. I just hope she won't bring Deacon up.

"Hey," she says with a small wave. "I hope it's okay that I came."

I swallow hard and force a smile. "Of course."

Within seconds, her shaky grin falls, and her eyes brim with tears. "I'm so sorry."

She bursts into sobs, and I take a step forward to draw her into a hug. She squeezes me hard. That's when I know she really needed one. So, I give her the best mama bear hug I can manage.

"It's all my fault." Her voice is muffled in the fabric of my blouse.

My heart breaks further. "Oh, honey, it's not," I say, pulling back to take her face into my hands. "Don't get me wrong. What you did was terribly wrong, and please, I beg you, never do that again. We were all scared to death."

She nods.

"But the things your uncle said to me, and us breaking up, is not your fault. Relationships are complicated. But don't think for a second that you're to blame, okay?"

She stares at the floor. "Okay. For what it's worth, he's devastated. I hear him tossing and turning all night, and he's grumpier than usual. He kind of just turned off. "

"Oh." I always thought I was a nice girl, but I might be evil after all, because a tiny part of me is glad that he's miserable too.

"So." She bites her lip. "I'm still welcome here?"

I furrow my eyebrows, drawing her into another hug. "Of course. As long as it's okay with your uncle," I add, the words burning my throat.

We break our embrace, and she mumbles, "It is. This is pretty much the only place I'm allowed to go to besides school."

Maybe I'm not that immature after all if he allows his niece to come in here. He must trust me at least a little bit if—no. Not going there. Our relationship is over. Thinking that I could be the sunshine to his grump was a bad idea. I knew I didn't like that trope. And now, I'll never read it again. Those things work great in books and movies, but in real life, it's a completely different story.