5. Jax

Jax

T he transition from the poor part of Hurricane and the rich is a huge electronic gate and a light red brick wall. On one side, it's covered in splatters and graffiti, on the other, it is kept in pristine condition, with neatly maintained flower beds. The irony never ceases to make me smile. The fence is nothing but a statement. It can't and won't stop anyone, rich or poor, from leaving or coming.

Today, I ignore it and recline in the back seat of the luxurious black sedan that had picked me up. The tense silence between the driver and I is perfectly fine with me. I need to mentally prepare myself for this party, anyway. The guy must be fairly new if he doesn't recognise me, but if he keeps up the snobby attitude, his job is going to be missing by the end of the day.

He pulls up in front of a white, three-story monstrosity of a mansion. I glance out, looking around quickly and, to be truthful, procrastinating. The picture of perfect two inch lawns, double doors with stained glass, and a perfectly white shade of paint on everything is almost confronting in its stark beauty. Even the air seems cleaner here. I let my forehead touch the cold glass window. A pang of homesickness hits.

"Life's not fair, and I will never be king," I throw the movie quote into the air between us, feeling as bitter as the character who said it. Idly, I wonder if the driver will survive another day.

"What?" the driver barks.

I open the door. "Nothing." I slide out of the car and spin, sticking my head back in the car. The driver's face is white in the rearview mirror, the whites of his eyes are huge, and his pupils are blown. "Uh, thanks, buddy."

He makes a strangled sound.

I step back from the car, and he drives the car away before I can even close the door. I watch as it screams down the driveway. Sometimes, the shadows linger, and people see them when they're close to me. Not properly, but through a mirror or a pane of glass. I'm guessing he saw Gideon.

"So, losing his job tonight if he doesn't quit."

The Queen won't accept careless drivers in her fleet. I make my way up the five steps, dragging my feet, but it only gets me a few more seconds of freedom. The door swings open, and River stomps out, only to stop short when he sees me.

"Thank fuck and all the horses that bitch rode in on."

"Seriously?" I arch an eyebrow and try hard not to laugh.

"She's on fire this morning. Like breathing it. If ever there was doubt about her parentage, I'm telling you now, the demon is showing."

I turn around. "See ya."

River jumps down the five steps and ducks in front of me. He's tall and handsome, and looks like my father, if our father were thirty years younger. His hair is dark brown, and he has this warmth that makes everyone love him. "If I have to suffer, you have to suffer. Get your ass in that house."

I pout. "You are the worst baby brother on the planet."

River smirks. "Nah, I'm the best. Covered for you when you went AWOL, didn't I?"

He puts my arm in his and wheels me around to face the house. "Breathe deep the fresh, clean air. From here on out, all you get to breathe is brimstone and sulphur."

I get a horrible chill as I cross the threshold of the house, and immediately, the strident tones of the Queen echo around the many rooms.

"Ew, ew, ew. She's in my brain already."

River snorts and hides a laugh behind his hand. A woman with long red hair sweeps across the room, giving us a filthy look. She's younger than me by seven whole years, but there's no mistaking the stunning beauty that is my half-sister Stevie. She disappears through another door, not even bothering to say ‘hi', ‘how you been' or ‘hey, bitch'. Strangely enough, I'm not surprised.

"She's been getting hassled by her supreme evilness, the Queen of Hell. Something about marriage and babies," River whispers. He pulls a horrified face, and then wipes his expression clean and casts a quick look around the room. "Did she see?"

"No, the devil's eyes are averted," I whisper back.

"Praise the cloven one."

A white blonde woman with an hourglass body runs down the stairs. She stops when she sees us and sneers.

"What the hell is she doing here?"

"She's family, and she's helping you celebrate," River snaps back.

"She's not. Ask anyone. No one knows who the hell she is, and I'd like to keep it that way. It's been almost fifteen years of bliss. Why ruin a good thing?"

"Gotta say, I kinda feel the same," I mutter, eyeing my younger sister. The resemblance is uncanny.

Andy narrows her eyes. "If you ruin this for me, I will never, ever forgive you."

"I won't ruin anything. I promise. You won't even know I'm here."

Her lip curls, and the muscles in her shoulders tighten, but there is nothing she can do, so she turns on her heel and retreats up the stairs.

"She really would be perfect for a part as an evil stepsister."

"What you talking about, she is an evil stepsister," I hiss, jabbing him in the ribs.

"Not to me."

I shrug. "Let's escape before she finds us."

River doesn't move. I follow his gaze and freeze. It's like I'm a little kid again. She's stunning, clean, with hair that's almost white. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. The coldest, most glamorous woman I've had the misfortune to meet. She's my stepmother.

And she hates me just as much, or maybe more than, she did when she met me when I was nine years old, clinging to my estranged father's hand like he was the only lifeline in the entire inhospitable world.

"Jeraldine. It's so nice to see you again. Thank you for the invitation." My words are painfully precise and polite.

"You weren't invited," she says flatly.

"Dad invited her."

Jeraldine freezes before she smiles once more. "No matter. You may leave."

"Afraid not. People want to speak to me." Anything I can do that will upset her is my number one priority.

She descends the stairs slowly, and I wait, hating the sound of her heels on marble. It reminds me of too many cold, lonely nights facing off with her. Painful nights. She turned the promise of home into a battleground.

Her dress swishes across the floor, and the reflection makes her look like the demon she is under the skin.

"You didn't even bother to try to hide how you've let yourself go. No makeup. Jeans and a t-shirt. Have you been living in a hole in the ground? Is this how you embarrass your father?"

"To be honest, I am surprised you know what a t-shirt is," I snipe back. "And I like my curves. Bobby said I'd have a full roster if I ever took him up and decided to pimp myself out."

Her eyes widen ever so slightly, and I know I've scored a direct hit.

"There are curves, darling, and rolls. You carry rolls. Refrain from talking about your friends whilst you are in my house." Jeraldine puts a perfectly manicured finger to a perfect peach lip. "I do not want you here. No one wants you here."

"I do," River says quietly. We both ignore him.

"I do not give a flying fuck what you want, Jeraldine, you should know that by now." I imitate the crisp tone she took with me.

She steps closer, and I step, too, so we are standing almost chest-to-chest. The days of her ability to intimidate me are long gone.

"Mrs Harmon, Mr Harmon would like to speak with you."

She gives me a level look, one last warning sneer, and then spins on her expensive heel and stalks off. River glances at me and takes off after her. I know what he's doing, and it makes me feel like a shitty sister. Arguing my side against his own mother, the boy, well, man, now has never stopped fighting for me. Which is why I will do everything I can to make sure he never knows where I've been.

A throat clears, and I look away from the door. My stomach flips violently and memories slam into me. The man is tall, with huge shoulders, his gold hair is tied back, and his jaw is smooth. Mason Lyons is a stunningly beautiful man and has been in my family's life forever. His father served mine, and when he went off and became a security specialist, they hired him.

"Miss Blac-"

I throw myself into his arms, hugging him tight. "Fuck, Mase, I missed you!"

His arms come around me and hold just as tightly, but not tight enough. As always, the line between us comes down thick and fast. I'm the boss's daughter, and he's an employee. He lets go and steps back, clearing his throat.

"Jax Shade, Mason, I changed my name. Please don't forget." I pause and look him over. He looks good. When I was younger, I had a mad crush on him for far too many years. He was all I thought of, while work was all he thought of. It was a hard wake up call. "You look like you stacked on another layer of muscles while I was gone."

He chuckles and squeezes me into an almost painful hug, finally breaking from his rigorous pretense. "It's so good to see you."

I pat his back awkwardly, hating that when he sniffs my hair, instead of feeling flattered, I want to put twenty feet between us. "You, too."

He puts me down and puts a hand on my lower back. I ignore the way his thumb strokes or how my skin crawls. I'm just grateful for my jacket. "Your father would like to see you."

And this is why my teenage obsession died. Mason is a stickler for rules, and his loyalty to my family is absolute. It's disgusting. I didn't want to be second to my father's wishes. And Mason will never put me first. It's why when Louis came along, I didn't look back.

"Lead the way." I slip out from under his arm and ignore the crestfallen look he casts me.

We go past the curved stairs with the gold banisters and through a glass door behind them. I feel like I'm seeing the house with new eyes. All the expensive vases and paintings. The polished surfaces. It's cold. Even my empty apartment holds more warmth than this exquisite monstrosity.

Mason opens yet another set of glass double doors and stands to the side. I glance up at him once, but he's got his working face on. The familiar disappointment springs up. So, I look ahead. The whole family is in a huddle, talking. My stepmother has her arms folded over her chest. Andy looks close to tears, and Stevie just looks bored.

It's the men who have my attention. River, with his flashing eyes, and the man next to him, in his slick suit, looking far too old. My eyes scan hungrily over him. He's just as tall as I remember, his shoulders broad. His eyes still have that kindness, and though I can see he frowns too much, those smile lines are still there. My heart pounds at the silver at his temple, the way his lips curl into a smile. It's been far too long.

"Eddie." I don't mean to say the word so loud. I don't mean to sound so sad, so desperate, so heartbroken. But he hears me. They all do.

His eyes, an older version of River's, jump to mine, and his entire face softens. "Jackie." It's a breath of sound, a lifetime of longing, too much between us, but nothing changes this.

We meet halfway as we always do, and he wraps his arms around me. I press my face against his chest and let everything fall away.

"Dad," I whisper the word because I need to say it. I need to acknowledge it. It holds everything I want to say. I'm scared. I miss you. I love you. Help me.

He pulls away and clears his throat a few times before wrapping an arm over my shoulders and leading me to the group.

Jeraldine opens her mouth, but River snarls, his expression absolutely furious.

"Don't be stupid, mum." He sneers. "She's here, and she isn't going anywhere, and if you want me to behave, then you'll leave it alone."

"Don't speak to your mother like that," Edward Harmon says calmly, but it's clear he doesn't really care. He's too busy looking at me.

"Edward, you can't just have her here-"

"She's staying, Jeraldine. I suggest you go start greeting guests," Edward says and takes my hand. "Come with me, I want to hear all about what you've been up to."

I let him lead me deeper into the garden. We walk past all the tables set out with expensive decorations and sculptures and down the stairs, out into the actual garden. We don't talk as we walk side-by-side on the path, not until he stops beside the dahlias.

"This is the first time you've been here in…what?"

I shrug. "I ran away at sixteen. That was the last time."

"It must look different."

"In some ways, in others, it looks exactly the same." This stilted conversation isn't the one we should be having, but we don't have time.

"I'm not going to ask you why you went. I think it was pretty clear, in the end, even to me, that you and Jerry would never get along. But I do wish you'd wrote or called in the time you were gone, just to let me know you were okay."

I remain silent, unwilling to tell him why.

"If River hadn't have found you, would you have even bothered to let me know you were in town?"

I look away, hating the grief and guilt his words conjure. The dahlia's call me a liar. They silently judge me.

"Dad, I have reasons. I need you to trust me."

He turns to me, frustration clear on his face. "You can be part of the family again. We can all be together."

I shake my head. "We can't."

"We could."

"Dad, we can't. I can't explain, but if you can't respect that I need this, then I will have to leave, and I won't be able to come back. My name is Jax Shade, and I'm no one to you."

He whirls and grabs my shoulders. His eyes are tortured. "Are you in some kind of trouble? I can take care of it."

"Not this. You can't take care of this," I whisper. "I'm sorry, Dad, I really fucked up this time."

"What can I do?" He sounds so old and lost. I hate that more than anything.

"Let me be a family friend. Don't be anything more than that."

He closes his eyes as if it pains him. "I know that it hasn't been easy living here, but I need you to know that I love you. You are my daughter, and when I got that phone call, the only part that I regretted was that I couldn't be there."

I take his hand and squeeze it. "I know. It was better you had nothing to do with the court case. Thank you for sending me the lawyer, though."

Six years ago, I contacted my father through a friend. Someone who promised me they wouldn't tell my father where I was or what was going on. He called my dad and, to my surprise and eternal shame, Dad came through, sending the best lawyer he could find. I never called again, and I haven't seen him since I left at sixteen. The lawyer was sworn never to reveal any details to my father. He respected my father and his business enough that he complied easily.

He died five years ago, a month after I'd been let out. Hit and run. Unsolved. His body was found in the hardware store's car park, broken and bent. His wife took their children and left town as fast as they could.

But that man got me out of hell. He went to war for me, and I will always remember his sacrifice. Dylan Lithgrow was a fucking hero to me.

We stand in silence, the scent of dahlias swimming around us. The sun is shining today but with a soft warmth and not a blistering heat. Bees zip around us, busy on their journeys. The day imprints itself into my mind. I'll never forget this moment. Perhaps I came to say goodbye.

"Dad," I say at last, breaking the silence. "I love you. You did the best you could, and I never once doubted that you loved me. I didn't leave because of you."

"Why then?" he says and flushes. "I said I wouldn't ask." He rubs a hand over his eyes and groans.

I sigh. "I left because I met someone, and I hated that I was making everyone fight. It just seemed right to disappear, just like how I arrived. I didn't think I belonged in this world."

He lets go of my hands to wipe at his eyes. His eyes are the same green shade that River has, and his hair is as thick as it always was. It's just River's hair is a few shades darker. There is nothing of this man in me. I am my mother's daughter. "You'll stay, as Jax? You'll stay where we can still see each other. I can't bear to lose you again. Even if you're in my life in some small way, it's better than nothing."

I hesitate to promise. "I'll stay as long as I can."

"I guess I'll take it. I just wish-"

"Edward, come back. The party is starting, and you need to make a speech."

We both turn and look towards the house. A dark-haired older man peers at us and waves us in his direction.

"You remember Richard?"

"How can I forget? He washed my mouth out with soap when I was eleven. I still remember him searching my room and tossing my belongings, searching for his ring." I can't help but feel a tinge of the childish outrage. "He's a dick, I didn't take it."

"He hasn't changed much. Still just as focused on business and an absolute stickler for manners and rules."

"Well, as partners, I imagine so. How is the lumber business treating you?"

Dad-Edward shrugs. "It has its productive years and its down. It's doing well at the moment. Richard has all but taken over the day-to-day runnings, allowing me to spend more time at home."

"Dear god almighty." I grasp my chest and pretend to have a heart attack.

"Quiet, you. I see that smart mouth of yours hasn't vanished."

"I'm afraid you're out of luck on that front."

"Good, don't ever change. Not for anyone. You're perfect the way you are." His love for me is in every word, and it breaks my heart.

Richard lets out a piercing whistle and glares down at us. He looks good for a man twenty years my senior. The black suit looks like it was made for him. But as good looking a man as Richard Hastings is, his heart has dollar signs, and he smiles only when he sees green or gold.

We walk back slowly, not rushing despite the filthy look Richard levels my way.

"Who is this?" Richard asks.

"Surely, you haven't forgotten Jackie?" Edward laughs.

I elbow Dad, alarmed that he's spilling my identity already.

"Oh, come on now, Richard is family."

I close my eyes and shake my head. "Hi, Richard, it's good to see you again."

He smiles tightly. I'm sure all the memories of my pranks are running through his mind, filling his shriveled heart with fear.

"You look…well."

I narrow my eyes. "I am, thanks."

"Good." He turns away from me to face my father, effectively dismissing me. "Andy is getting upset. Jeraldine is starting to whine. We have investors here, Ed. Sort those women out so I can distract the investors and show them our plans."

"You realise this is an engagement party, right?"

Richard snaps his teeth together and gives me a look that could scorch ice. "I don't expect you to understand, Jackie. Eddie, we need to talk about the Bailey Overingtons Ball-"

"Call me Jax," I cut in coldly. "Jackie is gone."

His eyes widen slightly, and the corner of his lips tilt up. For some reason, my name change amuses him. "Jax." He considers me for a moment, looking at me for the first time in my life like I'm a human. "Maybe you grew up after all."

He puts his hand on my father's back and steers him back to the party. I watch, confused and unsettled. I turn my back on the house and stare at the garden of dahlias. It's Jeraldine's pride, and as much as I hate everything she stands for, it is beautiful.

I just hate these flowers. They are poison.

I shouldn't be here. I should never have come. Should never have allowed River to corner me in the club. His expression was so pained, so shocked, that I'd been unable to do what I needed to and pretend not to know him. I'd given in. Spent months getting to know him, hanging out, becoming friends. Only to be busted by another blast from the past when my father heard my voice during a phone call. The fight between my father and River had turned lethal.

I'd had to step in or watch my brother lose our father, too.

Guilt is toxic. It eats and twists you from the inside out. It's eating me alive. The what ifs, the fears, all the millions of things that could go wrong. The price would be high, and it would hurt them.

I look up at the house. He's standing at the top of the stairs, watching me. A man I don't deserve. I should leave. I should walk, no, run far, far away. But I can't bear to see the sadness in his eyes.

I wish Gideon was here, holding my hand or brushing my arm with his. But he's not. I let my heart lead, not my head, and I move towards the stairs. His expression lights up, a radiant smile turning him back into the handsome man he used to be.

The man I used to call Dad.