CHAPTER 30 - Rosie

S heltered they might be , but neither the women nor children of Disciple scare easily. Add in the fact that we spend less than two hours in our secret hiding place under the church before we get word from Collin that Amon is already on his way back and he's got my boy in tow, and what we've got ourselves here is a… non-situation .

So it's no surprise, really, that no one hiding down in the secret tunnel below the Edge Security church—which apparently also doubles as a munitions depot—is particularly concerned about the recent turn of events.

Which kinda makes me wonder a little bit. About their lack of concern.

But then, when I take a good look at my own circumstances—boy kidnapped by presumed dead father, taken to a secret underground military city, then rescued by my outlaw security company boyfriend and a standing army of a hundred armed men—I realize that I've got my own problem with lack of concern.

And then I start to wonder where this indifference might stem from.

There's really only one answer: the Revival, of course.

Me and my neighbors have spent our whole lives playing dress-up and pretend. And I myself have taken the game to a whole new level. I mean, I don't just dress up for Disciple, I put in my playtime with Revenant and Bishop as well.

And as nice as that print shop is, and as fun as writing up those ‘desperately seeking somebodies' is, and as pretty and feminine my little cottage is… I'm starting to think I've taken it a tick too far.

I might not actually be grounded in reality.

This thought is just beginning its tour through my mind when the door to the hallway opens and Collin Creed comes in saying, "Let's go, people. Fun's over. Ya don't have to go home, but ya can't stay here."

Everyone chuckles as they get to their feet.

Part of me understands that Collin is making light of this because of the kids. But there's another part of me that understands that this is his job. He keeps people safe.

As does Amon.

This is a job to them. Danger, and secret hiding places, and coded word puzzles comin' in the mail, and maps of tunnels underneath your compound. It's all in a day's work to these men.

I've never been particularly afraid of anything. I mean, my own sad heart sometimes scares me. But that comes and goes in a casual will-I-end-up-a-spinster kind of way. Not a strange-man-claiming-to-be-my-baby-daddy-just-stole-my-child kinda way.

As I slowly follow-the-leader out of the secret underground hallway that lives beside a secret munitions bunker, which resides below a fortified church, outside of which stands an army of a hundred men ready to go to war with some bureaucrat over my once-missing child, I have an epiphany.

I might not live in the real world.

I'm not sure I know what the real world is.

I'm not sure I want to.

I come out the church doors and the first thing I see is Amon Parrish standing in the long gravel driveway of Edge Security with his hand on my son's shoulder. Like I'm getting off a train or something. Like I just got back from a trip and they're picking me up to take me home.

Cross is angry. I can tell because when I come up to them, he sighs instead of smiles.

I reach out, put my arms around him, pull him close, and hug him tight.

He could pull away, but he doesn't. He doesn't really hug me back, either, but I don't care. We can sort these feelings out later. Right now, I'm just happy he's home.

This is what I really want to talk about, so I turn to Amon. "Can we stay at your place?"

Amon is nodding yes before I even stop talking. "Of course."

"In fact"—I push back from Cross because I'm kinda talking to him now—"I think we should just move in for good." Cross throws me a look of confusion, which quickly turns into suspicion. "I've been thinking, son, that you were right."

"About what?" This comes out real surly.

"About… learning to do important things."

One of his eyebrows cocks up. And when I glance at Amon, he's got one of his up as well.

"Yeah," I say. "It's time for you to learn to be… well, whatever it is you want to be."

"Well, I wanna be like my daddy, that's who I wanna be. I wanna live underground in a secret city, and do target practice at the range, and take secret trains to restaurants that you don't even have up here."

It amazes me how fast I went from ‘us' to ‘them' in this boy's mind. But then I remind myself that he's twelve and I can work with twelve. "What would you say if I told you we were gonna quit the Revival?"

"What?" His whole face goes cockeyed. "Why would we do that?"

"Because it's pretend."

"But…" This has clearly caught him off guard. He looks at Amon.

Amon just puts up his hands. "Don't look at me. I've got nothing to do with this."

When Cross looks back at me, I keep going. "Yes, I think it's time to move away. To here." I point down at Amon's house. Which makes Amon happy, because he smiles and nods his head.

"What about Bishop? And those dresses you like? And your paper? And what about?—"

"It's all pretend, Cross. This is real. And I know that you've made up your mind that you wanna be just like your daddy, but… take a look around, son. Is there any more secret-spy place than Edge Security? Did you, or did you not, just come out a secret tunnel in an old abandoned mine?"

He's looking in the direction of the woods when he says, "I did."

"And did you know that I was hiding in yet another secret tunnel underneath that church right there?"

His eyes dart over to the church, then he looks at Amon.

Amon nods. "That's right. We've discovered a whole bunch of secret shit around here."

"Can I see it?" All the anger and grumpiness has left my son's tone and he's now excited, and smiling, and his eyes are filled with curiosity.

"If it's OK with?—"

But I'm already nodding my head ‘yes,' and Cross's kid-sense has detected this permission, so his little feet are running in that direction.

Amon turns to me. "You OK?"

"I'm fine. Why?"

"This is kind of a big move. I mean, you can stay for sure, Rosie. But you don't have to give up your place, ya know? And you certainly don't have to quit the Revival. I mean, we just promised Jim Bob to run security for him so I'm gonna be there every weekend."

"Yep." I nod my agreement. "That's all true. But don't you remember what it was like to live there? To be inside the show, all the time?"

Amon's face goes thoughtful. "Oh, I do. I hated it. I couldn't wait to leave."

"Do you remember why you hated it, Amon?"

"Because it was fake. I mean…" He laughs here, smiling. "The real world is surely lacking its share of authenticity. It's a pretty sick place overall. But when I was a kid, Disciple always felt like a lie."

"And now?"

He shrugs. "Well, now I know better. It's not real, but it's not a lie, exactly. It's just… a show. It's theatre."

"Which is fake."

"Yeah, it's still fake, I guess."

"My whole life is fake, Amon."

"What? Nah. Your life is pretty cool, Rosie. You've got your printing business?—"

"Which I wear a costume for."

"Well…" He's kinda stuck for words.

"And the diner? I wear a costume for that too."

"You don't wear a costume at McBooms."

"No?" I laugh. "Maybe you just don't know it's a costume. Maybe I didn't even know it's a costume. I feel like I've been jumping from one role to the next without ever taking a breath. I went from being a kid, to pretending I was an adult, to being a mother, and all that turned into this." I point to myself.

Amon is starting to get confused and Cross is standing on the steps of the church waitin' on him, so I figure I might as well just get to the point.

"I feel fake and I think it's holding me back."

His eyebrow cocks up again. "Pretty dresses are holding you back?"

"It's not the dresses, Amon. It's the pretending. I grew up in a show, and I stayed in the show, and I can't even imagine a life outside the show. And so…" I let out a breath. "I don't know. I'm not making any sense. I like the fake stuff. I do. But I don't want my boy to grow up all fake and get the urge to leave me and this fake place behind. And go join the marines and get himself killed, or worse. I'm suddenly very afraid that I've done it all wrong."

Amon comes over and pulls me into a hug. "If you did your best, Rosie, then you didn't do anything wrong." When we pull apart, he says, "Welcome home. I thought you'd never get here."