CHAPTER 20 - Rosie

T he next morning when Cross and I wake up, Amon is already gone. I figure he's outside doing work stuff, so I dress in my Friday costume, pack a change of clothes for after the Revival, and serve Cross a bowl of cereal.

Neary all my weekends from Easter to Christmas Eve are monopolized by the Revival. Once the fall rolls around, it dies down to a monthly thing instead of a weekly. So that's nice. But in the summer, there is almost no chance of gettin' away from the Revival. There's no tent action on Fridays, but there's always a crowd going through the shops on the grounds or just hanging around in town, so Friday's are a costume day.

I don't have any serious parts to play today—or any other day this weekend, since I'm generally a ‘filler' character—but MacyLynn and I have to sit in the tea party tent and entertain guests with gossip. On the weekends she mostly runs the funnel cake tent but her granny does it on Fridays, so nearly every week we're partners in crime.

I'm sitting on the porch having coffee when Amon comes back, jingling his truck keys and smiling like a boy. "I like that dress."

I stand up and smooth out some wrinkles. "This old thing?" Then I bat my eyelashes at him and do a twirl to properly show off this outfit.

It's not an old dress, it's actually rather new, since the one I've been wearing on Fridays all season got a tear in the sleeve and MacyLynn's twin sister, MaisieLee, hasn't had a chance to fix it yet.

Disciple's weekend fashion is just as fictional as the Revival itself—a blend of Twenties high-society, summer garden-party, and a dash of flapper thrown in for good measure. My dress today is made of pale blue silk velvet and tea-stained lace in the vein of ‘robe de style.' Which means a fitted bodice with dropped waist, as was common in the era, but with a full skirt that looks especially nice when twirlin'.

This particular skirt is adorned with silk flowers and glass-beaded stems, giving it a bit of weight. And the lace acts not only as a sort of outer petticoat, but as a shawl too. It is a gorgeous example of MaisieLee's talent.

When my twirling ends, Amon is grinning at me so hard, I burst out laughing myself. "I'm being silly, aren't I?"

"Rosie, your silliness is an absolute delight and a big part of the reason why the whole world loves you. So don't ever stop on my account."

I blush. I can feel it. And it's a very nice compliment, but there's a little part inside me that wants to object. To tell him that the world doesn't love me. Because I was a teenage mom who had big dreams. Who thought she could break the rules and buck the system and still come out shiny and new on the other side.

And while I would not call myself used up in any sense of the word, my place in the world changed the day Cross was born and even though I held out hope for a few years that I could push it back into some semblance of what I was, it's just not true.

That girl before Cross is gone and she's never coming back.

This whole time I've been thinking, Amon has been watching me carefully. Like I'm a painting in a museum that must be deciphered. He can feel these doubts inside me—which have nothing to do with him—and he's not sure how to approach it.

So I take over. "Can you drop Cross and me in town?"

Cross pushes his way through the screen door. "Town? I don't wanna go into town. I wanna hang out here, Ma. Can I?"

"It's not up to me, Cross. It's up to Amon. And I'm sure he's busy today and not in the mood to babysit you."

"Actually, I've gotta go into town too, Cross. To talk to Jim Bob about something."

Cross makes a face. "Well, what am I supposed to do while you guys are busy?"

I roll my eyes at my son. "Same thing you do every day while I'm working. Hang out with those friends of yours."

"Actually…" Amon hedges. "Maybe it's better if he does stay here. Collin's gonna be here all day." He looks at Cross. "You can hang out with Collin. I won't be long. Then we'll… I dunno. Go shoot some targets on the range."

This delights Cross to no end. "Deal." Then he takes off down the porch steps, jogging his way up the driveway where Collin is barking out orders to these men of his.

"Are you sure he won't be in the way?"

"Shit, Ryan will put him to work digging ditches, probably. He'll regret this decision by lunchtime."

I chuckle. "You're good with him. I appreciate that because I know you don't have to be."

"I like kids, Rosie. And while it's probably too soon have that conversation, I might as well put it out there." He throws me a weighty look. "I like them. And I would like them."

"I see." But though my words come out innocuous, inside I'm sighin'. Because I would love a big family like the one I came from and Amon Parrish would be a perfect father in my opinion.

"Like I said"—he winks—"too early. Come on, let's go to town."

The rain starts just as we get to Disciple and Amon parks in a covered spot marked for security just outside the east gate.

We both get out. "I'll check in with you after I'm done with Jim Bob. If you go anywhere else but here"—he points to the ground—"you text me, OK?"

With all the excitement of seeing Amon's house, and choosing where to sleep, and chatting with Collin and Lowyn, it was easy to put aside the real reason why Cross and I were out on the Edge compound to begin with. But after he says these words, it all comes back.

I look around. "You don't think he's here, do you?"

"Who?" Amon looks confused for a moment. "Oh. Erol, you mean? No, he's not here."

"How can you be sure?"

Amon blows out a breath, then takes my arm and leads me over to a more private area under a large sugar maple. "I was gonna tell you this last night, but… whatever. I didn't. And I don't really wanna tell you now because it's not fair. But it's always gonna be the wrong time and the sooner you know this, the better."

"Wrong time for what?"

"To tell you that Erol Cross is dead, Rosie. He didn't go missing twelve years ago. He died."

For a moment, these words don't make any sense and I just blink at him.

"Rosie? Did you hear me?"

I nod my head because I did. But… "Dead?"

Amon presses his lips together and nods his head as well.

My sight narrows down into a little tunnel surrounded by hazy grayness and then it's like time flies backwards and I'm that scared teenager standing in the cafeteria at Trinity High, looking down at the puddle of water at my feet.

Erol had been missing for weeks at that point. So I had kinda gotten over the initial shock of… well, abandonment, I suppose, and was well into panic territory. What was I gonna do with this baby, how was I gonna live, what would people think of me?

And then?—

My foggy vision clears and suddenly I'm looking straight into Amon's blue eyes. But he's not a grown man like he is now, he's a teenager, like me. He was the first person I saw when I looked up from the puddle. It was like we were the only two people in the world for a second there. Just him and me. And I just remember staring at him, and him staring back, and then a sense of peace flooded through me and suddenly I knew what to do.

You will just do your best, Rosie . And it came to me in Amon's voice for some reason. Probably because he and I were looking at each other. A moment later people rushed in, the contractions started, and all I knew was pain and I forgot all about that moment when I heard his voice in my head.

But I remember now.

"It was you," I say.

Amon's brow furrows. "What?"

"I was looking right at you that day when my water broke in the cafeteria."

He lets out a huff of breath. "Yeah. I was walking by and you had a weird look on your face and then your water broke and?—"

"I heard your voice in my head, Amon."

He makes a face of confusion. "What?"

"I looked at you and you looked at me and then… I knew it was gonna be OK. Because all I could do was my best. And that would be enough. And this bit of comfort came to me as your voice in my head. You helped me that day. You truly did."

"But I didn't do nothing, Rosie. I just stood there. I was closest to you and I wanted to go over to you and help in some way, but?—"

"But then a crowd of people rushed in and blocked you out."

"Yeah. And they took you away in someone's car, I think."

I laugh out loud. "Mr. Damian drove me to the hospital. I had forgotten about that."

"Tenth-grade English?"

I nod. "He was the last teacher to come over and someone pointed to him and yelled, ‘Get your car! You're taking her to the hospital!' I screamed the whole way there and he just kept mutterin', ‘I don't get paid enough to do this. I just don't get paid enough to do this.'"

Amon laughs again. His smile is bright.

But I sigh and shrug my shoulders. "Even though I can laugh about it now, I was horrified, and scared, and sad all in the same breath. And then, after Cross was born, I was all those things, plus happy too. And it made no sense at all, Amon. But there, in my head, were those words that you never said, but found their way to me anyway. You will just do your best . And that's all I did. That's all I've been doing this whole time, and now…"

I look away because I'm gonna have one of those cries. The ugly kind. Which I don't normally partake in, but nonetheless I can feel the lump in my throat and the grimace on my face as I try to hold it in.

Amon pulls me into a hug and I rest my cheek on his shoulder until I've got it back under control. Then I sniff real big and push back. "I'm not really crying about Erol." I wipe my eyes, but the tears are big and ploppy, so it doesn't do much good. "I'm just… sad, I guess. Because even though I tried to tell myself he was dead. That was the only way he'd abandon me like that, I never really believed it. I always had that little bit of hope, ya know? And then, these letters came and?—"

"It stirred up all kinds of feelings, didn't it?"

"Yeah. It didn't give me hope, I am not interested in Erol. At all. But finding that note from him, well, it made me unconsciously reflect on how I might've jumped the gun back when I was young and it's just kinda hittin' me right now. How nothing about Erol's disappearance made any sense and how I just wrote him out of my life and moved on. I feel a little ashamed about this."

Amon pushes me back, holding me an arm's length away. "Ashamed? No. Why would you feel ashamed?"

"Because I just assumed the worst. That he got scared and bailed out. And it turns out he didn't bail. He didn't leave me. I, in fact, left him. I didn't even try and find him. I didn't even call hospitals or anything, Amon."

"You were fifteen, Rosie. And nine months pregnant. You had more than enough on your mind at the time. Maybe you should come with me today. I'll go talk to Jim Bob and?—"

"No." I put up my hand to stop him. "I don't wanna go. Revival is the most consistent thing in my life. I'm surrounded by family and friends, there's nothing but uplifting messages, and it's almost too pretty to be real. I can't think of a better way to work out this sadness than to be here."

Amon places a hand on my cheek and looks me straight in the eyes. "You did everything right, Rosie." Then he leans in and presses his lips to mine. I keep my eyes open and so does he. Right until the very last moment and then I close them and let peace wash over me as this man claims my mouth like I belong to him.

Like this is was exactly how my life was meant to turn out.

When we pull back from the kiss we stay close. Pressing our foreheads together. I would like to linger in this moment forever. Just stay right here and let time stop.

Keep my boy, a boy.

Keep this new love, new.

Keep this life perfect.

But aside from being impractical, not to mention impossible, I don't want to stop things here. There's too much to look forward to. As much as I lament the growin' up of my boy, I'm looking forward to it too. I want to see the man he becomes. I want him to fall in love and have his own family.

And this moment right here can't even begin to compare to the ones coming my way if I just keep going.

Amon holds my face in his hands, looking me straight in the eyes. "You OK?"

I press my lips together and nod. "I am. I promise."

"All right. I'll pick you up at six and we'll go bowling. I'll have Cross with me. Don't worry about him."

I place my hand on his cheek now. "If he's with you, there's absolutely nothing to worry about."

Then I leave him in the east gate parking lot and make my way to the garden tent to get ready for a day of tea parties.

When my day ends at six o'clock, after I change into my cut-offs and halter top, I find Amon and Cross waiting for me at the east gate. Seeing them together like this is something new. And by that, I mean a man with my child, picking me up from work like we're some kind of family.

That has never happened to me before. Most of my dating life was fake. I told these tales to fit in with my twenty-something friends who were all focused on growing into adulthood, and starting their lives, and finding husbands.

And none of that applied to me. Did I want a husband? Well, sure. But finding one when you've already got a kid isn't as easy as it sounds. Even if you're a cute and perky Valerie Bertinelli twin. I tried to date after Cross was born, but none of the boys from school were interested in me. It scared them to think about babies, I think. And why wouldn't it? I mean, it scared me too.

So once I turned eighteen, and got my Revival trust, I bought a car. I would drive down to Fayetteville and hang out in the pool hall there. Plenty of men were interested, but that was the whole problem. They were men, not boys. And even though I had a baby, I didn't feel like a woman yet. I was looking for a sweetheart, not a one-night stand.

So I stopped really trying long before I was even old enough to legally drink. That's when I started making the boyfriends up. There was a smattering of real dates too. Every now and then I'd get lonely and give it another go. But it was the same thing over and over. They liked me, but they didn't want my baggage.

That's when I decided that free time was my enemy and started taking part-time jobs all over Trinity County. Cross and I lived in that doublewide behind the bakery because there are hardly ever any houses up for sale or rent in Disciple and I was dead set on stayin' inside the town limits. But I'm not poor. I've never lacked for anything I truly wanted, and neither has Cross. Every January first I get my profit share from the Revival, so money is a constant in my life. Something I can count on.

Plus I had my Revival trust, which was saved up in a bank account for me for when I reached legal age. There was a time, back then in my early twenties, when I had nearly a hundred thousand dollars in the bank. I had so much money it started to freak me out, so I took most of it and put it in a second trust for Cross so nothing bad could happen to it.

I just kept working, though. And the years just kept passing, and that bank account of mine got too big again. That's when I opened up the Bishop Busybody . I spend a lot of money on that place. On the dresses, and the cottage, and the store.

But as I told Amon that first day we bumped into each other, time is something you make for things you like doing. And for some stupid reason, I fancy myself an eighteenth-century printer. Plus, those dresses are just plain fun.

All my wandering thoughts come full circle when I come up to Amon and Cross and my son is bursting with words, trying to say them all at once to tell me about his day.

Something about shooting, and dogs, and body armor, and I'm pretty sure there was mention of a grenade in there, but he's talking so fast I miss the context. And by the time my brain catches up, he's on to something else about a church basement full of guns.

This is when Amon says, "Your mama don't wanna hear about any of that, Cross." And then his eyes lock with mine and brighten. "Let's hear about your day, Rosie." And he offers me his arm.

So the three of us walk down the hill towards the bowling alley, with me filling him in on all my tea-party details, and Cross jogging ahead, then waiting for us, then jogging ahead again And it's… good. It's really good, and it feels amazing to have someone to share my day with who not only likes me, but my son as well.

And this is when I realize that my life has finally started. Twelve years ago I put it on hold—accidentally or not, it was on hold. And now it's going somewhere.

I am no longer desperately seeking anyone.

Because I found my someone and his name is Amon Parrish.