21. Jax

Jax

D octor Sparrow paces in the room my father has given us. He looks wrong in this space. The expensive decor clashes with his cheap shirt. He's pulled at the tie, leaving it hanging and loose. I study it frequently and imagine it as rope, a noose.

"Astaire's the first person who's died since Titan admitted to being the partner."

I nod my head wearily. We've been over this multiple times.

"Which means that now Titan is gone, Louis is back."

It's sick how much pleasure this doctor is getting from this. I feel weary from the questions, the insinuation, the interrogation. Descario and Wayland had been gone not even five minutes when Sparrow arrived, panting and frothing at the mouth, needing to check on his patient.

The appointment has been going for two hours, and I'm tired. My skin feels too tight. I've spent the last four hours forcing my body not to betray me with nervous movements or tics, keeping my face lax so as not to give away my anxiety.

My mind is reeling. All I can think is that if this is what Louis is starting with, the next few weeks are going to be bad.

I answer Sparrow's questions monotonously until he gets frustrated and promises to return tomorrow. I watch as he stalks out of the mansion, and then I escape to the garden and curl up on a chair on the porch .

Eddie wanders out and sits opposite me. "I'm worried about you."

I snort. "Me, too."

"I want you to stay home while this blows over. They will catch him, and then you can live your life."

I stare at him, unable to tell him that he's just effectively put the nail in my coffin. Descario has me under surveillance. Sparrow wants daily check-ins now. I have no idea where the guys are or if they are okay, and my father has grounded me.

Louis has me locked in a cage, and there is no key.

My father disappears, and the day passes into night. Still, I remain in the chair, my temper sizzling as I examine my life.

I'm not even sure how I got here, but somehow, Louis has terrorized and cut off all my options until I'm precisely where he wants me, and he's using people I love to keep me hostage. A few years ago, if something like this would have happened, I would have run, changed jobs, changed houses, cut the people who were trying to be friends out of my life. Sparrow was the only leash he had. But now, he's got me by the proverbial balls.

The more I think, the worse it gets. He's taken the guys from me and made it no contact, which means I can't even call them because they might get killed. I can't go near River or my sisters.

Astaire's ghost flickers in the dark and appears.

"Do you know who killed you?" I ask bluntly.

The ghost shakes its head.

I nod. I wasn't expecting an answer, but I'll take it. At least I don't have to wonder. The ghost fades in and out, but I stand up and head into the house.

"Astaire, I find that I'm feeling really angry. Like, indescribably angry."

The ghost trails after me, but when I turn, he's gone .

I resist the urge to sigh and wander my way into the living room. I walk past the photos of my family. Baby photos of the girls and River, family shots. There are only three total photos of me on this wall of tributes, and I don't look happy. I look like I don't belong.

I spot a photo of Mason and move to stand in front of it. "I miss you, Mase." His father stands behind him with his hand on his shoulders. He looks so proud. I barely remember Martin. He died when I'd only been here a few weeks. My father was inconsolable. That's about the time Mason and I became close. I'd lost my mother. He lost his dad. And Eddie became our only parent.

I regret, and will for the rest of my life, that I couldn't and didn't have any feelings for Mason, other than that of a sister, when he finally had feelings for me. Now that he's gone, I miss him. Sometimes, I look at Gideon and just miss Mason. Not that I would ever tell Gideon that. But I can both love him and miss Mase.

"Oh, hey!" Stevie looks around and back at me. "What are you doing?"

"Just looking at the photos of Mason."

"He was so young in those." Stevie wanders closer.

"He was. We had some good times growing up."

Stevie leans against a couch and stares at me. "Why did you leave? All those years ago? I never asked, but I always wondered."

I turn to face her, shocked that she'd ask. "My presence was causing fights between Dad and Jeraldine. I think she was even going to leave, and I was so messed up over my mother and the way she died. Plus, Louis…well, we were friends, and we had plans and a way to survive. I honestly thought everyone would be better off if I disappeared again."

Stevie nods, accepting this. "Mason missed you the most, except for Eddie. He threw himself into his work for years. But Mason would talk about you and tell us about what he thought you were doing. "

I smile bitterly. "I live to disappoint."

Stevie shakes her head and looks away. "Titan…"

I stiffen. "I know."

"He told me about what he did to you. How he was collecting a set. It was all I could do not to fall apart when it happened. I felt so awful. But you, you're stronger than me. You've seen the worst. Titan wasn't the worst, was he?"

Stevie looks so young, her eyes so bruised.

"No," I say cautiously. "Titan wasn't the worst thing that had happened to me. It was bad and awful, but it wasn't the worst."

Stevie glances up, and I see the tears in her eyes. "He was the worst for me." Her lower lip trembles.

"He was a monster," I say softly. "He's dead now. He can't hurt you."

"Yeah, that's what I keep saying, but I can still feel his hands all over me. I can hear his laughter as he…" she breaks off on a sob. "The only time it stops is when I'm drunk or high."

"But then you wake up or sober up, and it's there again," I say with sympathy.

Her chin wobbles while she sucks in a breath. "I wished he would die, and I'm happy. I'm happy he's dead."

"Me, too," I admit.

Stevie looks at me, startled. "Really?"

"Really."

She stares at me, and then smiles, almost shyly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome, Stevie. You're not alone."

She nods and disappears. I turn back to the photos on the wall and shake off the strange feeling I've forgotten something.

I think I hear my name and turn. I search the room, but there's nothing, but I'm sure I heard it.

My bedroom offers no answers, so I get changed and find my way back down to Eddie's office. I knock on the door.

"Enter. "

I push the handle down and slip inside. "Hey, Dad, Richard."

"Hi, Jax," Richard says. "Listen, Eddie, I'm going to take care of all this. You just handle your home situation. I won't let anything happen to the business. I'll ring you about the Wellard Client tomorrow."

Eddie stands up and claps Richard on the back. He doesn't look at me as he passes out of the office and disappears. I throw myself into the chair he'd just stood up from, it's slightly warm. On a notepad in front of me are doodles with the initials B.O.B and a dollar sign. Strange.

"What can I do for you?"

I love the way my dad talks to you. He focuses on you completely. Right now, he's steepled his fingers and is staring at me with a quizzical brow.

I close my eyes, unsure what to even ask. "If you hear anything about Mason, Rafael, or Dane, can you please tell me straight away, good or bad?"

Eddie sits up straight and stares at me. "Jackie, is something going to happen to those boys?"

I push the heels of my palms into my eyes. "I hope not, I really hope not."

"I can call someone-"

"You can't. We don't know where Louis is, and he seems to be watching everything. I don't want you to find them or look for them, just, if you hear something, tell me."

"All right," Eddie says slowly.

I put my head in my hands and groan. "Dad, I really loved him. I really did. I thought we would be together for always."

Eddie comes around the desk and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Mason? "

"No, Louis. I, I missed him. That's what's eating me up. I feel sick over it. Because while all this was happening, I missed the man who loved me! I was grieving him and missing him, and they were telling me he's a monster! But he wasn't with me! What's wrong with me?"

"Don't say that!" Eddie snaps. "He abused you. He took advantage."

I nod my head miserably. "I know, but those were the happiest years of my life. With him. They were easy. I wasn't hungry or running. I wasn't scared all the time. With Louis, I was welcome and wanted."

Eddie scowls and then kneels in front of me. "You can't say that in front of the detectives. And you can especially not say that to Sparrow. You keep those thoughts to yourself or tell me, but you don't say them out loud."

I let out a sob, covering my eyes. "Why did he do this to us? Is there something wrong with me?"

Eddie takes me in his hands and hugs me. "It's my fault, mine and your mothers. We didn't do enough to teach you, to protect you. Don't blame yourself. You couldn't have known he was such a bad egg."

"It's not your fault, Dad."

"Your mother was a drug addict who left you alone. And don't deny it, I checked with the neighbours. You might not remember it, but she did leave you alone in the apartment. Numerous times. And I didn't know. I curse myself for never following up. When I think about what you went through, the things you've seen."

I stiffen, a fragment of memory flashing in my mind. "I didn't know that. I don't remember being alone."

"Your mother was a wonderful person. She was a light in a dark room, a flower in a desert, blooming. She was amazing, full of dreams, ideas, and hopes. But drugs poisoned her mind, her morals, her truths, and her conscience. That is what they did, and that's not on you or on her, really. She had an addiction, an illness, and that was not your fault. But maybe I should have got you help. I worry you repressed everything you saw, and when Louis came along, you let him sweep you up, you believed him the same way she believed a fix might save her. I thought he was good for you."

I stare at my father. "Dad!" I whisper. "You couldn't have known. He was a kid."

"I've had a lot of lonely long nights to think about all the ways I've messed you up. I've resolved not to do it with River, Andy, and Stevie, but alas, I've made all new mistakes." He chuckles.

"Dad, you've done a great job with us, Mason as well. I know he thinks of you as a father."

Dad's eyes well up with tears. "He's a good boy. I always hoped you and he would hit it off. The way he protected you, the sweetness he would have when he looked at you. He's a good man, he's solid, he looks at you like you're precious. His feelings in all these years haven't changed. That's love."

I blush, torn between shame and regret. "I love him, too. I think that's what's so confusing. Louis won't leave me alone. Obviously, he must love me a lot. But Mason is offering me a normal, sweet romance. Well, as normal as it can with the three of them, but Louis might kill him, and I keep circling back to maybe I should have stayed in my cheap flat and stayed with no family and friends because I don't want to see any of you get hurt because of me."

"What you and Louis had wasn't love, my darling. Trust me. Love is kind, and it's trusting, it's respectful and honest, it's raw, and it doesn't hide or steal from you. What he had with you was obsession and manipulation." My father's voice is cold, carrying no sympathy.

"You've been in love?" I ask .

"A couple of times. But only three times with all of me. Jerry might not seem like my perfect match, but I love that woman more than I've loved anyone but you children. But I did love your mother. It was a whirlwind affair, brief and over too soon. She was fun and exciting. I miss your mother. A lot."

I stare at him.

"I miss her, and part of me loves her still, will always love her. I'm so angry at her. She stole you from me. She kept you a secret and stole your childhood from us. I'm angry she abused you. I feel guilty that I wasn't there, that I couldn't save her or you. But there have been times when I looked back at our relationship, and I've missed it because my experience of your mother was one of fun and joy and love. Despite the fury, hurt, and betrayal I now live with."

I swallow around the lump of emotion in my throat.

"It's okay to miss people, even if they were bad for us, even if they were bad to us. They weren't always bad, and that's the point. Sometimes, being with them was like flying. Sometimes it was falling, and it was terrifying. But our feelings are our feelings, and it's okay to miss it, to mourn it. But it's not okay to go back to something you know is going to hurt you or other people. As your father, I will not give you permission to do that."

I hug my dad until my arms hurt. "I love you, Dad. Thank you for coming for me."

"I love you, too, Jackie." I think I hear his voice waver. "I'm glad you survived and found your way back to me, both times." He strokes his hand down my back. "I will always be there. You just need to call," he whispers. "Always."