Chapter 21

"Uncle Colin, may we come with you on the hunt now? Please?" Margaret's eyes sparkled with excitement as she tugged at his sleeve.

Colin who had been so absentminded the entire time sprang out of his thoughts at the sound of the girls' cheerful voices.

"Unfortunately, my dearest, you cannot," he replied, bending over to her level.

"Why not?" She frowned.

"Because we're little girls and future women. We should not engage in such activities— it's unbefitting for us," Louisa replied.

"Remarkable!" He beamed with pride. "Absolutely remarkable."

"I knew that," Margaret said. "I just don't think it is fair to have us behave in a certain way simply because we're little girls or potential women," she protested.

The manner with which she spoke defiantly reminded him of the other defiant woman he had hurt; his wife.

Things had been rather awkward between them since the night of the ball and he had not really attempted to make it right. He'd been dodging Jane ever since he pulled away from kissing her.

Her coldness toward him was evidence that she wasn't ready to speak with him just yet and maybe he would go to her again but for now, he hadn't gathered his words yet.

"Why the long face?" Jane said, directed her question at Margaret as she approached them.

"Thank God you're here," she said, relieved at the sight of the duchess.

"What's wrong, Margaret?" She halted before her, concern flickering in her gaze.

"Uncle Colin says we can't go hunting with him because we're girls," she reported with a stern look.

Jane stole a glance at him as he stood there, observing in silence.

"Well, we've talked about this, Margaret?—"

"I know we have," she cut her off. "It's not fair!" she grouched.

"I understand you, I really do." Jane took her hand. "Maybe someday we'll do something about what society says we can or cannot do. But in the meantime, let's try to adapt." Her voice was calm and steady as she addressed the girl. "Can you do that?"

She was quiet for a moment before replying;

"I can try— but only because you said so."

"That's my girl." She smiled.

"What about me?" Louisa whined, feigning being left out.

"Come here!" Jane laughed, pulled them together in her embrace. "You're both my girls."

Colin felt the connection between his nieces and his wife. She'd done her best to be a mother to them and didn't deserve being treated like anything less.

Gently, she rose to her feet with a hint of annoyance in her eyes and finally looked at him. He wanted to apologize but he had already apologized once to her and didn't want this to become a habit. He was a man– a duke; her duke and he should act like one.

There was a deafening silence that only broke when Margaret cleared her throat, innocent of the tension between them. Startled, the two broke eye contact and faced the girls.

"Alright. Can you both rush back to your rooms now?" Jane asked. "I'll come meet you so we can do something more fun than going hunting. How does that sound?"

"Fantastic!" They chorused and raced each other up the steps. "Don't take too long!" Margaret echoed.

"I won't!" Jane replied and her smile immediately vanished as she turned to face Colin.

His heart almost skipped for a moment. Or did it? Colin was overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt gnawing at his mind, pushing him to at least say something. A part of him knew that he was starting to fall for her yet he couldn't come clean with it. Back at the ball, he'd led her on, hinting at what he felt and he meant every word he said, every flattery. The conflicting emotions swirling within him made him feel like he was losing his mind. He needed to say something quickly.

"How do you do?" were the words he was able to summon.

Ridiculous!

He thought to himself.

"I am well," she replied, her expression blank.

He had never felt so tense before and, right now, all he wanted to do was run away from her. He needed to be away from her, just for a little while. He couldn't think when she was around.

With all of that confusion, there was only one person he knew held the solution he needed.

"You should go up to the girls," he said but that was not at all how he had intended for it to sound.

Now, she squinted at him, probably feeling like he was trying to send her away.

"I should, shouldn't I?" her voiced was laced with anger and disappointment.

Oh God.

He grumbled within himself, unable to grasp his inability to handle this situation.

"Have a good day, Your Grace," she added and left him by himself.

Colin massaged his temples and drew in a deep breath.

Hastily preparing for the day, he hurried to the waiting carriage, eager to escape before their paths crossed. As he settled inside the carriage, a wave of relief washed over him at last.

However, nearly immediately, his heart began to ache at the thought of not being able to see her face the entire day. A sigh escaped his lips as he dropped his head on the back of the seat dejectedly. He had become utterly and completely lost in love.

"Where to today, Your Grace?"

The coachman's voice echoed in his ears, eliciting another round of quarrelsome decision angles.

Colin's mind was a jumble of conflicting thoughts, but he knew he had to get away. Without hesitating any longer, he instructed, "Head to my grandmother's estate, please."

"Well, isn't this an unexpected sight! What a pleasure it is to have you over, Your Grace."

Colin responded with a warm smile, presenting her with a bouquet of flowers he had bought along the journey for her.

"The pleasure is all mine, grandmother," he replied, but he was sure he couldn't make it believable.

"Oh, please. Don't be modest around me." She chuckled.

Already, these few words shared with her were enough to reassure him..

Prudence's eyes sparkled with appreciation as she thanked him, "Thank you for the flowers. I feel twenty years younger."

Colin managed a chuckle but the frown on his face seemed to be stitched in place.

She paused, taking a long look at him before she motioned towards a nearby chair, inviting him to join her. "Here, sit."

As he settled into the seat, the tranquility of the garden seemed to envelop them. The dowager took pride in her flowers, and they were the brightest, calming stretch of land one could find.

For a moment, Colin felt his worries disappear behind the fragrant blooms and gentle rustling of leaves.

"Now, tell me, what has brought you to come see me?"

He hesitated for a moment.

"Just go ahead and tell me what's wrong, will you?" her voice came at him again.

He jerked his head and looked at her, his eyes revealing but a glimpse of the turmoil within.

"You never did know how to lie." Prudence, undeterred by his silence, pressed on with unwavering resolve, "I know when something is wrong with you, boy, tell me everything."

"It's my wife," he finally answered.

"Of course it is," she said, smiling.

"It is not amusing, grandmother," he said to her.

"Oh, but it always is when it comes to couples— that is you, my dear Colin; you're always so serious," came her reply.

"I am the Duke of Montford, I am supposed to be serious," he said.

"Not with your wife, you're not," she responded keenly, forcing him to go silent for a minute.

"In all sincerity, I really thought that it'd take a lot longer than this before Jane would grow weary of you given how daring she is," the sound of her voice revealed her liking for the woman.

Colin's brows furrowed at the statement. Deep down, he had known it was risky coming here, knowing how perceptive she was.

"Jane is different, Colin. Why haven't you realized that until now?" she inquired.

"I know she's different— but that is in fact the reason we're…" he swallowed his words and continued. "Grandmother, she is everything I want and more."

"Then what is the problem?"

"The problem is…no matter how hard I try, I just always somehow mess things up," he confessed. "For instance, she's not speaking to me at the moment."

"Ohh. Why is that?"

He paused, contemplating the content of his reply. "It's embarrassing and somewhat personal."

"Well." She let out a sigh. "Do you know what I think?"

He shook his head.

"I think that you are holding back, Colin. I think you're afraid."

"That's preposterous," he said defensively. "I am everything but afraid."

"The most dangerous lie in the world, Colin, is the one you tell yourself," she replied. "How do you expect to solve a problem when you have refused to accept the problem?"

He stared at her knowing she was telling the truth that he didn't want to hear, or perhaps he did and that was why he came here.

"You're afraid that you do not deserve her, that you're no good for her. You believe that you're too broken for Jane."

Her words cut deeper than a knife and the truth he had long run away from had finally caught up with him.

Colin's voice quivered with raw emotion as he spoke, his words heavy with self-doubt and pain, "I am damaged, grandmother. I'm haunted from the war."

As he had begun, everything came tumbling out; he laid bare his deepest fears and insecurities, "I've never been the good kind of man. The kind one. I don't think I would ever be able to love Jane as she deserves."

She stared at him in silence.

"She's better off without me. I have tried to be that man but, grandmother, I simply can't. With me, Jane cannot find the happiness that she wants, the happiness that she deserves."

"So, you're being hard on her, not for yourself, but because you believe you're protecting her from you,"

He thought about it for a moment then replied. "Yes."

Prudence's unwavering gaze bore into him. "You're disrespecting your wife with such talk, don't you know?"

Her belief and appreciation for Jane's character shone through as she declared, "I've seen the kind of woman the duchess is, so I can tell you outright that you're talking nonsense."

Colin remained seated, stunned by her directness, his mind reeling from her unexpected words. Her piercing gaze held his, but he could not keep contact any longer, allowing his eyes to fall to his lap.

Prudence's expression softened as she extended her arm to gently pat him. "You're not the terrible man you want to believe yourself to be. I see it, and so does your wife. A man so damaged would not be able to love nor be ready to lose what he wants for the sake of protecting the woman."

Her words struck a chord within him, resonating with the turmoil he grappled with for so many days.

In a tone that was both gentle and resolute, his grandmother urged him. "You should let Jane decide whether you are worthy for her or not. I'm certain that she feels the same way for you, too."