Chapter 13

“You are being impulsive,” he said to her revelation, which only served to anger her, an emotion slightly preferred over melancholy. Her heart broke at the thought of leaving him, but what had she been thinking in accompanying him here?

“I was being impulsive when I made the decision to come with you,” she said, waving her hands out to the side. “Your mother is right. You are one of the most powerful men in the country, and I know nothing of English politics nor what would be expected of me. Our countries do not even get along. I will be an outcast, especially without your mother’s backing.”

“She’ll come around,” he said, urgency in his voice. “She has all of these ideas in place from her upbringing, but she’s actually a good sort, deep down. Once she gets to know you, all will be fine. Mariana,” he stepped closer to her. “I need you. Please don’t leave me.”

His eyes were so desperate, his voice so broken, but Mariana told herself to keep her will strong.

“What if she is right?” she said. “What if I cannot have children? It is not as though I laid with my husband often, but…” she trailed off. “You could have no heirs.”

“If you were listening, then you know what I said. Arthur could have them.”

“It doesn’t sound like your brother wants to marry.”

“He will, in time,” Edward said with confidence. “Arthur always does what is right.”

She shook her head. “As should we. Like it or not, Edward, we are not the sort of people who can simply do as we please. That is not the life we were born into. I want to be with you, I do, but I am clearly not welcome, and I do not have a life here without you. You have a woman waiting for you, a woman who would do much better in the role. It is best I let you go – that I let us go.”

“Then I will come after you,” he said fiercely, stepping toward you. “I will not let you go so easily.”

“If you care for me,” she said, staring at him meaningfully, even as her heart was breaking, “then you will.”

She saw the indecision on his face, knew how much she was hurting him – but she also knew that in the end, it would be better this way. It would only hurt all the more if they did marry and he came to resent her when she couldn’t be the woman he needed.

“I wish our lives were different,” he said, swallowing, looking off into the dark gardens in the distance.

“As do I,” she said softly, reaching her hand out toward him. “I will never forget you and this time we had together.”

She didn’t tell him what she was really feeling in that moment – that she knew, deep within her soul, she would never have another man, would never allow another in. For she loved him, thoroughly, but to stay would only make his life more difficult, and she wasn’t about to do that to him. He said he wanted her, and she knew that he did, but in time, once he saw how a Spanish wife made his life more difficult, he would wish it were otherwise.

Mariana had already suffered through one marriage with a husband who did not love her, who treated her cruelly. While she knew that Edward would never be that way, she also did not want to have any regrets. She had told herself that she would live without a man, and now she realized that she must honor that promise to herself.

“I will leave tomorrow, if you can help me,” she said, and he nodded, still not speaking, his jaw tense and his face turned away from her. She wished he would say something, would shout at her, or show any emotion, instead of just standing there, staring out with despair on his face.

“Very well,” he finally said, dropping her hand. “If that is what you wish.”

And with that, he walked off into the night.

That night wasone of the longest of Mariana’s life. It killed her that she had hurt Edward as she did, but she didn’t know what other course she could take. She was adrift, unsure of herself, not a situation she enjoyed. They couldn’t change the life they were born into. It was as simple as that.

Finally, after tossing and turning for hours, she pushed herself out of bed, picking up a lantern and starting down the corridor, not knowing what she was searching for but knowing she couldn’t lie there in her bed for another minute.

She let herself out into the night, into the crisp, cold air, present here in England even in summer, so different from the lush, humid tropics of Spain that she was used to.

She let out a sigh as she sat down on one of the benches near the house, not wanting to venture too far onto the grounds alone at this hour, but needing the peace the outdoors brought her. She pulled her wrapper tighter around herself, wishing for warmth – in the form of the climate or Edward’s arms. But that was never to be again.

“Lady Palencia?”

She started, turning at her name, her hand coming to her breast in surprise.

“I apologize. I did not mean to surprise you.” Rodrigo walked closer toward her, his hands clasped behind his back. “May I sit with you?”

“Of course,” she said, sliding over on the bench to make room. “What has you awake at this time of night?”

“I have never been able to sleep well when I am away from home,” he said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Away from Peru?” she clarified, enjoying the opportunity to speak her native tongue with the man.

He smiled as he shook his head. “Not necessarily Peru,” he said, and she watched him, waiting for his explanation. “I have lived in many places throughout my life,” he said. “And I have travelled many places. Home has meant different places at different times of my life, but it is the place where I settle, where I decide to make my base, for a time at least. Does that make sense?”

“I suppose,” she said slowly.

“Home is where you make it,” he said simply. “And sometimes, who you make it with.”

“Are you trying to tell me something?” she asked suspiciously, wondering if Edward had asked Rodrigo to speak to her, but he shook his head.

“No. I know that you have decided to return to Spain. I know that the duke is miserable due to your decision. I have seen the two of you together, the way you speak to one another, look at one another. Is this what you truly want?”

“I do not want to have to fight for who I am,” she said. “And I do not want to make his life difficult. After a time, he will wish he had a proper English bride.”

“Will he, though?” the Peruvian said, lifting a brow. “He has had many years to find a proper English bride. It is not until he met you that he even considered marriage. I have known the duke for a long time – known him as a man, not as the duke. If he feels for you as I suspect he does, then I would say his life will be more difficult not having you in it.” He pressed his palms into his thighs as he stood. “What do I know, though? I have no title, no responsibility. I go where I wish and do what I’d like, changing my home as it suits me. You must do what makes you happy. From the sounds of it, you deserve it.”

“You make it sound so simple,” she murmured, even as his words resonated with her.

“Sometimes it’s simpler than we think,” he said. “Well, thank you for listening to my ramblings. Goodnight, Do?a Palencia.”

“Goodnight, Rodrigo,” she said, watching him walk off, considering his words and just what she was going to do with them.

Edward had spentall night trying to decide how to stop her.

In the end, he did what he always did when it came to such decisions, and went to his brother, although he waited until the next morning, just after Arthur had broken his fast, which happened at the same time as it did every day.

“Arthur,” he began, the two of them sitting alone in the study. This time, Edward made sure the door was firmly closed and no one was listening in the hall. “I need to speak to you.”

Arthur lifted a hand.

“I will stop you before you begin,” he said. “I know what you are going to say, and there is something you need to know before you say it.”

“Very well,” Edward said cautiously.

“I am not going to marry.”

“I said the same thing,” Edward responded. “But, eventually you will find the right woman?—”

“That is just it,” Arthur said, his voice dropping and his face softening. “I have found her. You were right about Lady Jane.”

“Then it’s perfect.”

“It’s far from perfect,” Arthur said. “She wants to marry you, not me. And to have her settle for me… it would kill me to know she didn’t truly want me.”

“But Arthur?—

“No,” Arthur said firmly. “I will not be the consolation prize. The truth is, Edward, neither of us have to settle for what is expected. So there isn’t a line of succession. They’ll find another duke somewhere down the line. Really, what does it matter to us? We will not care any longer when the issue comes to pass. You haven’t cared much about the dukedom before – why start now?”

Edward stroked his chin. “You are the last person I ever thought would say such a thing, but you most certainly have a point.”

“Of course I do,” Arthur said with so much certainty that Edward chuckled. “I believe you should marry your Spanish woman.”

Edward’s mirth evaporated. “She doesn’t want me.”

“She thinks you wouldn’t be happy together,” Arthur corrected him. “You must show her that it is possible to be together and to be happy.”

“How?” Edward asked, throwing up his hands. He had been trying to determine how to do so all night.

“I have an idea,” Arthur said. And then he smiled.