Chapter 21

The World Comes Crashing Down

Olivia stared at Nigel, his words echoing in her head. I cannot tell her I am a dying man. She felt hot tears streak down her cheeks and wiped them away angrily.

Her heart felt as though it would break in two. She stared at Nigel, saw the despair on his face, and it shattered her heart into a million pieces.

"So, it is true," Olivia said, feeling as though her words were a death sentence.

"What is true?" Nigel asked, but she could tell his heart was not in it.

Olivia shook her head. "Do not play coy. Tell me the truth."

"How much did you hear?" Nigel sounded defeated.

"Enough." Olivia's voice was steady.

"Then you already know everything."

"I want to hear it from your lips. I want to hear you say it."

"Olivia." Her name on Nigel's lips was like a plea, but Olivia would not answer it.

"Please, Nigel. Tell me. Is it true? Is it true that you are… dying?" The last word was barely more than a whisper, just saying it made Olivia feel sick.

Nigel hesitated. "The men in my family… are not blessed with long life. Quite the opposite in fact… We seem destined to remain only a short while on this Earth. I feel it is like a curse, or perhaps some hereditary illness, but in truth, no one can figure out what it is."

"What does that mean?" Olivia asked, feeling desperation well up within her. "How short is short?"

"None of us has lived past twenty-seven." Nigel spoke so softly that Olivia strained to hear him. "I had hoped… well prayed… that it would not affect me, but…"

"You… you are dying. And you were not going to tell me." Olivia's pain wracked through her, and blood pounded through her veins.

"Olivia, please, I can explain." Nigel reached towards her, but she pulled out of his grip.

"No. No. I do not want to hear it." Olivia stepped away from him. "You do not trust me. Or perhaps you deliberately withheld this from me."

"Olivia, no that is not true. I do trust you. I love you!" Nigel's green eyes met her own, a pleading desperation in them.

"Do not say that. No! How dare you?!" Olivia shook her head, her fists clenched in rage. "Until just now, I had some hope that what I discovered was not true. That you had not lied to me."

"I never lied to you," Nigel said.

"A lie of omission is still a lie," Olivia retorted. "God! How could you not tell me this?"

"I - I - I - I… I don't know. I'm sorry." Nigel sounded utterly wretched. "I wanted to, truly I did. Yet…"

"Yet you didn't." Olivia felt fresh tears form and wiped her eyes, turning from Nigel as she did so. "You know, the worst part of all of this is that if you had just told me, I still would have married you."

"You would have married me?" Nigel's voice was a mix of fear and confusion. "What do you mean?"

"That I would rather have had a short life with you than a lifetime without you. Even if I had only had one day with you as you wife, I would have taken it." Olivia let the sadness and grief seep into her voice. "But I cannot marry you. Not when you kept this from me."

"Olivia —" Nigel's voice broke, but she refused to face him.

For the first time, she noticed Nigel's mother, the Dowager Duchess in the corner. "I am sorry, you shall have to forgive my impertinence, Dowager Duchess Glassley."

"There is nothing to forgive, Lady Olivia." The Dowager Duchess looked as though she would say more but then closed her mouth, an unreadable look on her face.

"I should have liked to have you for a mother-in-law." Olivia felt numb as she said it.

"And I would have welcomed a daughter such as yourself." The Dowager Duchess gave her a sad smile.

"Goodbye. Dowager Duchess. Nigel." Olivia turned from the both and left the room.

She did not remember the journey back to Pembleton. Nor could she really recall stumbling into her room. She knew she had told Jane and her mother but then nothing. She collapsed into bed, feeling as though she were watching a stranger going through the motions rather than doing them herself.

She closed her eyes. Perhaps when I wake, this will all have been some heinous nightmare. And instead of a life without Nigel, I will be readying myself for marriage. Olivia let the tears cascade down her face as sleep took her.

When she woke the next morning, an emptiness stole over her. The events of the day before flooded her mind, but she found that she could not even muster the energy to weep. Instead, there was nothing within her. Just an odd numbness.

"Olivia?" Jane's voice called through the door. "It is nearly noon. Will you not join us for lunch?"

"I am not hungry." Olivia replied; the thought of food was too much for her.

"Well, what about a walk in the garden? You have not left your room since we returned home yesterday." Jane's voice was worried.

"And I do not intend to. Leave me alone, Jane. Please." Olivia rolled onto her other side, facing the wall.

There was a moment's silence, and Olivia assumed that Jane had done as she asked and left her alone. But she was wrong. She heard the door to her room open and the sound of footsteps.

The curtains were flung open, and Jane stood at the foot of her bed. Olivia blinked in the light, squinting until her eyes adjusted to it. It seems some horrible irony that my heart is broken, and the day has the audacity to be as beautiful a this.

"You cannot stay in here forever." Jane gave Olivia a worried look. "I know that this hurts right now, but it will get better."

"Will it? I fail to see how." Olivia rolled onto her back, staring up at the canopy of her four-poster bed. "You know, I thought this season would be different. Better. That with your mother's help, I would find the perfect husband, and I would live out the rest of my days happily and in love."

"This season has been better. And perhaps there is still some hope that you and the Duke could reconcile." Jane was clearly trying to sound encouraging, but it was lost in the numb emptiness in Olivia's heart.

"There is no hope of that. He is dying, and more to the point, he did not tell me the truth. How can I forgive him for that?" Not to mention he did not even try to stop me leaving. The thought almost broke through the numbness within her.

They lapsed into silence, and Olivia listened to the sound of birdsong in the garden. It reminded her of the waltz with Nigel, and the numbness threatened to give way to something darker and sadder.

"You know what the cruelest irony of this whole thing is?" Olivia asked Jane as she forced herself to sit up and look at her friend.

"No." Jane shook her head.

"Before I came to stay here, I overheard your mother and mine talking. And your mother said she had already found the perfect match for me. And it made me so hopeful because your mother's matchmaking skills are unparalleled. And now here I am, heart broken and alone because I did not follow her direction. Though I do not think Lord Briston would ever have been a good choice.

"In truth, I am rather baffled that your mother thought we were at all suited." Olivia caught an odd look on Jane's face. "What?"

Jane bit her lip, looked at the door, and then back to Olivia. "Lord Briston… he was never meant to be your match."

"What?" the numbness within Olivia loosened its grip, and she sat up a little straighter. "What do you mean? Your mother directed me at him all season. How can she have not meant us to end up together?"

Jane took a steadying breath and met Olivia's gaze. "Do you remember when you found me in the drawing room, the day we took a promenade in the park?"

Olivia scrunched her face up as she tried to recall it. "Yes, you seemed… sad? But you told me it was nothing. And I did not want to press you."

"The truth is, well, I was sad. And ashamed." Jane gave her a sad smile. "Mother was spending all of this time on you, all of her energy, everything was devoted to finding you the perfect man. And yet, here I was, her own daughter, thrown to the wayside."

"Oh Jane!" Olivia took Jane's hand in her own. "How selfish I have been; can you ever forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive, my dearest Olivia." Jane's eyes were warm. "I asked my mother about it. Although, confronted her may be a rather more accurate description. I… I actually raised my voice to her."

Olivia gaped. "My dear Jane, I did not know you had such fire in you."

"In truth, nor did I." Jane flushed. "Well, anyway, once I had confronted my mother, she explained the situation to me. You see, my mother will not match unless she has the perfect match before her.

"In my case, there had been no such man, and she did not want me to end up with the wrong husband, so rather than rush things, she focused on you." Jane shrugged. "She apologised for making me feel neglected."

"I am glad of that. And I am glad that she did not want to rush you into a marriage that ill-suited you. That would be awful." Olivia felt her heart twist as she said it.

"It would. Which is why I asked her why she seemed to be guiding you to Lord Briston when you seemed so wrong for each other," Jane explained.

"And what did she say?" Olivia's heart sped up, and she leaned forwards in anticipation.

"Well, she laughed and swore me to secrecy, but I feel she would not hold me to that vow. Not now at any rate." Jane gave Olivia a small smile. "The reason she directed you to Lord Briston was not so that you would woo him but that you might woo another."

"Another?" Olivia canted her head towards Jane. "Who?"

"Nigel. The day he was discovered um… well that day at Emberly Castle, she heard the truth of his protests. The Duke was not worried about marrying you, no quite the opposite. It was clear that his main concern was you being forced to marry him." Jane gave Olivia a knowing look.

"I take back everything I said, your mother truly is an uncanny judge of people." Olivia shook her head in wonder. "After all, it was not until Nigel himself told me that that I made that connection."

"It is rather hard to see the truth of a situation, particularly one you are directly involved in," Jane said, consolingly.

"But then why did she direct me at Lord Briston? I do not understand."

"To make the Duke jealous," Jane said as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. "To make him jealous and to ensure that in his jealousy, you would have to spend time together."

"Remind me to never play a game of strategy with your mother," Olivia murmured. "It is a shame that all her plans have come to this."

Jane's face fell. "I know."

"What am I to do, Jane? I feel as though my heart has been torn from my body. That all happiness is gone from the world." Olivia clutched her knees to her chest.

"I do not know. But whatever happens, you will not have to face it alone." Jane squeezed Olivia's hand. "I will be by your side."

"Thank you."

"And there is always hope when it comes to love." Jane's voice was full of quiet encouragement.

Olivia could not find it in her heart to disabuse her friend of this notion. She glanced at the window, listening to the bird song, and thinking of all she had learned.

Her heart sank in her chest. But even as the numbness stole over her once more, Jane's words played in her head. There is always hope when it comes to love.

Perhaps Jane was right. More likely she was wrong. Hope is a fool's game. And I am no fool.

Yet her treacherous heart would not let hope die, not entirely.