Chapter Nineteen

It was difficult for Rowan to find any genuine interest in the meal of lamb and potatoes before him, even though it was among one of his favorites. His full attention was on his new wife, who was laughing once again at something that Louisa said. His sister was one who could engage in conversation with just about anyone and liven up any room. But with Serena, it was as if the two of them were sisters, and he was but a friend sitting and watching the two women share a strong, lifelong bond.

Even his mother, whose smile he hadn't seen in its true form since before his father died, was laughing along with the two younger women, beaming with pride as Louisa gently caressed her barely bulging stomach. It was clear that Eleanor Davenport was thrilled to be a grandmother, and he thought of his obligation to produce an heir. He felt a bond forming with Serena after their moments in the library. However, he did not know if that would ever be enough for them to even discuss conceiving children.

When Harry knocked over his water glass, Serena turned her attention to him.

"Are you all right?" she asked, quickly grabbing her napkin off the table, and offering it to him. "Do you need this?"

Harry chuckled and shook his head, taking his own napkin and dabbing at his coat and pants, which were thankfully black.

"Not at all, Serena," he said. "You are very kind to offer. But the suit was unharmed, and the maids will clean up the rest of the spill."

As if they'd been waiting for their cue, two maids approached with cloths and began wiping up the water. A third brought him a fresh glass, and then they were gone from the table as quickly as they had appeared. Rowan looked at his wife again as she gave Harry an understanding smile. It occurred to him just how warm and kind she truly was. He was unaware of the fear he'd had at the back of his mind at that moment, that Serena was simply pretending to be caring and compassionate for the sake of keeping a peaceful marriage. But after seeing how eager she'd been to try to help Harry over some spilled water, he realized he was wrong. She really was those things. And so many more. And Rowan couldn't help noticing it every day.

After dinner, as the women retired to the drawing room, Rowan and Harry retreated to the parlor for drinks. Harry poured them each a glass of whiskey, watching Rowan carefully as he took a long drink. Harry sipped his own glass for a second, his expression gentle but firm when he finally spoke.

"I noticed this evening how social and gracious your wife is," Harry said.

Rowan nodded, a smile flickering on his face for the briefest of moments.

"That, she is," he said.

Harry nodded, grunting.

"It is just as apparent that she clearly wishes for more than just a cordial partnership with you," he said. "She longs for a union of true love, Rowan. And I believe some part of you wishes to give that to her."

Rowan nodded. Harry's point was a thought that he had been wrestling to suppress in the back of his mind since his first encounter with Serena in the library. The warmth she consistently radiated and the love with which she treated everyone, no matter how long she had known them, spoke the truth of the union she had hoped to have. And on top of the constant guilt Rowan felt about his father and his secrets, he also felt terrible that he took away Serena's chance to have that kind of marriage. He was beginning to think that perhaps one day, he could give that to her. But another part of him felt certain that one way or another, he would end up making her run far away from him, whether it was because he told her the whole truth, or because he refused to.

"I do," he said honestly.

Harry nodded, his brows creasing with concern.

"Then you must be more open with her," he said. "The foundation of a strong marriage is built on trust and communication. And just like any building or structure, if that foundation is broken or hollow anywhere, the entire thing is fragile and in danger of crumbling at any time. Any secrets you keep from your wife are the cracks and hollow places in your foundation, Rowan. They will create distance and misunderstanding between the two of you. And you may never be able to recover any trust once that building starts to fall."

Rowan listened, knowing that his brother-in-law was right. Just like his mother, his advice was sage and wise, and it made all the sense in the world. If he ever truly hoped to build a true and lasting relationship with Serena, he had to find a way to let down his guard once and for all and let her share in his secrets. Even the ones that weighed him down so.

"I know, Brother," Rowan said, feeling his mind shift, even as the last of his resolve to take his secrets to his grave were struggling vainly to remain alive. "But the thought of becoming so vulnerable, even to her, is frightening. I have no idea how she will receive me once she sees me for who I truly am."

Harry looked at Rowan like he was mad, shaking his head with a small smile.

"I do not know all the secrets you harbour," he said. "But I know your heart. You are a good man, and those who are fortunate to know you have no doubt that they are well loved by you. Just as you know that you are well loved by all of us. And I am certain that Serena cares enough about you to accept whatever those secrets are as part of who you are and love you just as much as we do."

Rowan bit his lip, the apprehension building within him. He wanted to believe that Harry was right, that Serena would embrace him, rather than reject him. But once more, the thought of losing her came to his mind, and it made his heart ache. He didn't know exactly how it came to be. But part of him was beginning to feel more strongly about Serena than he could have ever imagined possible.

"I do hope you're right about that," he said.

Harry grinned, clapping Rowan on the back.

"I am sure that I am," he said. "Now, why don't we go back and join our beautiful wives?"

Rowan sighed and nodded, another smile sneaking up on him.

"I think that is a wonderful idea," he said, surprised at how deeply he meant the words.

When they returned to the main gathering, Rowan's gaze immediately sought out Serena. He found her laughing and chatting with Louisa and Eleanor, as though they were the oldest and dearest of friends. Her face shone with happiness, which warmed his heart. In that moment, as he watched her, he felt determination rise within him. He silently vowed to bridge the gap between them. He would take the first steps toward building a deeper connection with his wife. In truth, he would do anything, if it meant seeing more of that radiant smile on her face.

However, even as Rowan made the mental promise, he knew that the path ahead would be fraught with challenges. The secrets of his past, the vow that haunted him and the expectations of his family and of society all loomed like large, nasty storm clouds above him, threatening to derail all his efforts. The things he needed to tell Serena were not small, by any stretch of the imagination. Any one of them individually could destroy any chance he had at a happy life with Serena. But so could keeping them from her any longer than he had. He just prayed that she would extend her understanding and compassion to his delay in telling her the whole truth.

For the moment, however, he was determined to enjoy the rest of the evening. Just as he and Harry made their way to their respective wives, the women decided on a game of charades. Serena smiled at Rowan just as he reached her, patting the seat on a small bench beside her.

"Do come join us in charades," she said.

Rowan smiled, allowing himself to be swept up in the moment. He wished to enjoy the laughter and camaraderie that filled the room. If only for a single night.

Louisa was chosen to go first, and everyone settled in to watch her pantomime. Rowan glanced at Serena, who just happened to look over at him at precisely the same time. Their eyes met and they shared a smile, filling Rowan with renewed hope. Perhaps, if they continued having conversations like the ones they had already had, their future could be as filled with the love, compassion and the same unbreakable bond that he saw between Louisa and Harry.

It would not be an easy journey. But then, nothing in Rowan's life since his father's passing had been easy. For the first time in a long while, Rowan was ready to take the first step in letting Serena into his heart. Come whatever may.