Chapter Seventeen Rowan

The next day, Rowan found himself pulled from his study, and the papers requiring signatures that lay spread all over his desk, and toward the library. It had always been one of his favorite rooms in Dalenwood Manor. However, since his talk with Serena in there, it felt even more like the most inviting room in the mansion. Perhaps, in all of London. His mind was heavy with the weight of his secrets. But if there was anything that could lighten that burden, it would be his books.

But as he entered the room, he noticed he would not be alone. Serena sat in the bay window, holding a book close to her face, clearly engrossed in whatever she was reading. He stood staring at her for a minute, appreciating the fact that just three days prior, their positions had been reversed. He also noted how the sunlight coming in through the window made her hair shine like spun gold and brought out a slight pink blush to her cheeks.

Before he could speak, Serena looked up, as if sensing his eyes on her. When she caught his gaze, she smiled warmly at him, her features brightening immediately.

"Rowan," she said, setting aside her book and moving over on the cushioned bench in front of the window. "Please, do come join me."

Rowan smiled, letting his burden melt, if only a little. He took a seat beside his wife and glanced at what she was reading.

"Sense and Sensibility," he said, recalling her story from their first accidental meeting in the library. "Did you need to remind yourself that they are not the same word?"

Serena's laugh rang through the library, and his heart skipped. He had not forgotten how lovely her laughter was. But hearing it anew was as if waking from a nightmare and entering the most beautiful of heavens.

"I assure you that I remembered this time," she said. "The first is sometimes common and the second is often delicate."

It was Rowan's turn to laugh, and he did so boisterously. She was funny as well as clever and smart, and of course, even more beautiful than ever before as the morning sun painted her in an angelic glow. Compared to him, he supposed she was an angel. And for a moment, even his demons could not ruin the vision before him. Serena was genuinely happy to see him. And he found that he was glad to see her, as well.

However, as he took a seat beside his lovely wife, he felt a mix of comfort and apprehension. He recalled how he had felt more comfortable with her than he had with anyone, even Harry, in his entire life. But with everything he still kept secret from Serena, his mind was never completely at ease. His books brought him solace. But his thoughts never truly rested.

Seeming to sense his tension, Serena gave him another kind smile.

"Rowan," she said in the gentlest voice he had ever heard. "I do not mean to ruin such a lovely morning. However, I do wish to say something. I am well aware that there is some very specific reason why you married me. I want you to know that you can trust me, and I want to trust you, too. But to do that, I need you to tell me what led you to choose to arrange a marriage with me."

Rowan bit his cheek, glancing at his wife's face before averting his gaze. He no longer balked at the notion of opening up to Serena. She had proven to be interested in hearing anything he had to say, and she was incredibly kind and compassionate. Right then, however, he was torn. He recognized that he had rapidly blooming feelings for Serena. But he was also afraid of rejection. Even the sweetest of hearts could turn sour when they were wounded or frightened. What if she rejected him once he told her everything?

Of course, she will reject you, he thought bitterly, his own image sneering at him with repulsion in his mind. Do you really think she would want to remain married to you once she finds out why you truly married her?

Rowan knew that the truth and the vow he made could shatter the delicate bond he was forming with his wife. Not until that moment had he cared about the thought of Serena rejecting him. He had married her now, fulfilling the vow he'd made. But right then, as he thought about life without her and pictured her looking at him with horror and betrayal in her eyes, rather than the warmth that radiated from them in that moment, he was filled with freezing, paralytic dread. He hadn't meant to, but he had quickly become attached to her presence. To lose her now would devastate him.

However, he thought about what his mother had said. The truth wasn't the only thing that could drive her away. His continued unwillingness to be honest with her and give her the answers for which she was begging would also push her away. He was hardly prepared for the decision that lay before him. But he knew he needed to make it. And he knew what it must be.

"Some of this might not make sense to you," he said, choosing his words carefully. "But my father and I were once very close. And when he died, I made promises to him that I swore that I would fulfill."

Serena nodded, listening just as intently as she had when he told her the story about Benjamin.

"And I was one of those choices?" she asked. There was no judgment or malice in her voice. Only confusion and curiosity. "But you are right. This still does not make much sense."

Rowan nodded.

"Sometimes, it does not make much sense to me, either," he admitted. "But after father died eight years ago, after the way he died, I felt that the only way I could do the right thing by him, especially after the way we… we left things the day he died, was to throw myself wholly into my ducal responsibilities. I was most resistant to marriage before he died, and that was the one thing I swore I would do, no matter what. But with all the responsibility on my shoulders at the time, inheriting the dukedom so many years before I expected to do so, I knew that was something that would need to wait."

Serena continued listening, and Rowan dared a glance at her eyes. The understanding and warmth were still there, as was a silent urge to continue. However, he knew he could not say much more, lest he slip and reveal the true secret of his vow to marry her.

"Please, Rowan, continue," she said. "I want to remind you that you can tell me anything at all. I am your wife, and I want to support you through anything. But you must allow me to do so."

Rowan nodded. He could not tell her the whole truth, not even in that moment. However, he owed it to her. He owed her something. And he was too afraid of losing her to ignore his instincts on that matter.

"You know that my father died," he said. "However, you do not know how."

Serena's eyes widened only for a brief second. Clearly, he had surprised her. But she recovered quickly, giving him a warm smile and reassuring nod.

"That is correct," she said.

Rowan nodded.

"It was a boating accident out on our lake," he said. "He went out ahead of a storm and got caught out in it when it hit. It was too powerful for him to return to the shore, and he drowned. That is the reason why until we were married, I preferred to stay in the townhouse in London."

Serena gasped softly, covering his hand with hers instinctually.

"I am truly sorry, Rowan," she said. "That must have been horrible for you and your mother."

Rowan swallowed a scoff. It was not Serena's fault that the death of the late duke drove such a grand wedge between mother and son. It is mine, he thought bitterly.

"Thank you, Serena," he said. "And as you can imagine, I withdrew a bit into myself after his death. It was so unexpected, you see, and I loved my father dearly. But there was also the heavy responsibility that fell to me upon his passing. I became duke far earlier in my life than I expected. I believed that I would have many years before that mantle was mine. Thus, I did not take the ducal responsibilities as seriously as I should have. Father and I discussed that fact at length more than once before he died."

He took a breath, stopping himself just before he told her about the argument they had before he died.

"In the years since his passing, I have felt terrible guilt and shame for the way I was then," he continued. "So, I took on those burdens, heavy though they were, and I have done everything I can to focus on everything that a duke must do, according to my father's teachings. But that weight quickly overtook me, and though I struggled against it, as I often do now, by working harder than ever before in my life, I felt like it would consume me."

Serena listened intently, gently squeezing his hand and looking at him with the kindest, most reassuring eyes he had ever seen.

"I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for you," she said. "To lose your father before taking on such big responsibilities and losing the guidance he might have offered until you were ready. I know the pain of losing a parent, as I lost my mother. And while I have missed her dearly at every one of my life's milestones, I know it must have been infinitely more difficult for you in your position."

Rowan blinked, surprised at her empathy. Even knowing her warm, kind nature, he had not expected such understanding from her. But at the mention of her mother, he blanched. He was glad for the reminder, as he might have completely opened up to her and told her everything, including the secret vow.

"I do recall hearing of your mother's passing," he said. "And I am sorry for your loss, as well. As morbid as it is, it seems that is another thing we have in common."

Serena nodded, giving him another heartwarming smile.

"It is not morbid," she said softly. "It is mere fact. We lost parents who were dear to us. And we have had to navigate life without them since. And I want you to know that I want to help share your grief. You do not need to do it all alone anymore, Rowan."

Rowan allowed himself to turn over his hand and take hers, giving it a brief squeeze.

"Nor do you, Serena," he said. He began to feel hope that with time and patience, he might learn to trust Serena fully. If there was ever anyone who deserved his trust, it was certainly her.

Yet even as he took the tentative first steps of opening himself to his wife, Rowan knew the road ahead would not be easy. The full truth of his vow and the circumstances leading to their marriage still hung heavily over him. He knew they were a terrible treat to the fragile trust they had only just built. But he needed to keep his secrets a bit longer. He was unaccustomed to letting people share in his pain. And with secrets so big, he could hardly just expose them in such a sudden fashion.

"Thank you for sharing these things with me, Rowan," she said. "I am glad to know this much more about you. It helps me feel closer to you. And I am always happy to talk with you like this any time you wish."

Rowan smiled. Though he felt trepidation, he also felt tremendous relief. He knew that he had to find the courage to confront his past and his secrets if he ever hoped to have a true and lasting relationship with his wife. But he was finally starting to believe that was possible.

"Thank you for listening and being so considerate," he said. "That means the world to me, and I shan't forget your kindness."

Serena beamed at him as she released his hand.

"I am glad," she said.

He rose from his seat with a heavy sigh.

"I am afraid that now, I must tend to more of those aforementioned duties," he said. He was serious, but he made an exaggerated face for the sake of hearing Serena laugh once more. She did, and his heart melted.

"I understand, Rowan," she said. "I look forward to seeing you at dinner.

Rowan gave her a small bow, making her giggle again.

"Until then, Your Grace," he said.