Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

F rederick was already fast asleep when Hannah crept into their bedroom later that evening. Or perhaps he was faking it? Pretending so that they would not have to continue their discussion—argument, more like.

Did she wish to have children with Frederick? Did she wish to force the issue and make him commit? Or was she happy with what they had, for it was more than she had ever dared hope for, and to risk it now might ruin everything?

She vacillated between both options, deciding at the moment that she would give it the night. Sleep. Wake up beside her husband. Hopefully, remind him in the morning how happy she could make him—she knew exactly how to do that. And once the tension between them faded, she might dare to broach the subject again.

Eventually—she did not know when—Hannah drifted off to sleep, looking forward to tomorrow, certain that when she woke up, it would be to happier times…

But the following morning, Hannah woke up alone.

Every morning since their first night together, she had woken up to her husband between her thighs. Licking her where he knew she loved to be licked. Smothering her in kisses. Pressing his naked body against her own. Wrapping her in his arms. Making love to her because what better way to start the day?

This morning, there would be none of that.

Hannah sat up slowly as she looked around the empty room. Then to the side of the bed, where her husband should have been lying. It was still early, just past sunrise, yet he had woken up and snuck out without waking her—determined not to, by the looks of things. If Hannah had harbored any hope that they might have been able to forget the previous night, now she knew that dream to be folly.

She readied herself for the morning in a state of confusion, panic, and bewilderment. Bathing, she tried to convince herself that what she needed to do was tell Frederick in no uncertain terms that she was fine with not starting a family with him, that she was happy with what they had, and if this was as far as their relationship went, then so be it. Better that then to risk ruining everything.

Dressing herself next, she could not escape the feeling that to do so would be to lie to herself, for although she had not considered the possibility of a family before now, the more she thought about it, the more she came to realize that it was the next logical step in their relationship.

Leaving her room and making her way down the hall, she again came to the decision that she would just leave it… only to go down the stairs and change her mind once again.

Did she love Frederick so much that she would happily go along with this strange desire to keep their marriage stagnate? Or did she love him so much that she needed to stand up for herself and demand that he treat her as a wife, not a plaything?

What to do… what to do…

Her mind whirred, her stomach twisted, and by the time she wandered into the dining room to find Frederick and Amelia already seated at the table, she still had not a clue what she would do.

“Hannah!” Amelia cried out at the sight of her. “Where have you been?”

It was the sight of Amelia that finally answered Hannah’s question. The little girl, for how much Hannah had grown to love her, was not her own. To walk into the dining room as she had and to see her own daughter sitting there, buzzing with excitement at the sight of her… her mother … Just the thought had Hannah’s heart soaring, only for her stomach to drop when she spotted Frederick eyeing her as if in a warning.

Hannah forced a smile. “Sorry I am late…” A quick glance at her husband, who suddenly looked guilty, even though he did smile at the sight of her. “I must have slept in.”

“I was going to come get you, but Father told me to let you rest.”

“Is that right?” Hannah eyed her husband curiously as she made for her seat. “How very… considerate of him.”

Frederick did not speak at first. Watching her still, his expression was impassive, and for a heartbeat, Hannah realized what this must mean. He was true to his words. Determined to go back to the way things had been. A marriage of convenience was all she could hope for.

This broke her, and she stumbled slightly as she reached her chair, unable to look at him, for she might shatter right then and there.

“You looked so peaceful,” he said suddenly, his smile returning. “And I thought you could use the rest.”

And then, most shockingly, he rose from his seat, leaned forward, and kissed her on the cheek.

Hannah straightened up at the kiss. Trying her best not to react in a way that might seem strange, she looked at Frederick, who simply smiled to himself as he sat back down. But the kiss lingered on her cheek, tingling, as if to pull her out of her funk and let her know that the situation wasn’t nearly as dire as she had allowed herself to believe.

Frederick wasn’t done with her yet. Maybe he had come to realize that a marriage of convenience wasn’t possible? And if that was the case…

Hannah sat up straighter in her seat at the thought, wondering now if maybe there was still a chance.

“What are we doing today?” Amelia asked excitedly. “I want to go to the pond again!”

Frederick looked pointedly at her. “You have lessons today, Amelia. Miss Temperton is expecting you.”

She scrunched up her face. “No fair!”

“Besides, I am busy…” His eyes flicked to Hannah, causing her to frown. “I will be out most of the day.”

“W-what? You are leaving?”

He had not told her that he would be out today, which suggested it was a sudden decision, which suggested that he had made said decision after their conversation.

“Nothing exciting,” he assured her. “Work, mostly. I don’t want to bore you with the details.” He paused for a moment. “You will be all right by yourself, I trust?”

“Oh.” She blinked “Yes, I am sure I can find something to do.”

“Good.” He took her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze, paired with a smile that reached his eyes.

It was all very confusing. On the one hand, Frederick seemed to be doing the little he could to remind Hannah that they were still husband and wife and that his ‘no touching’ rule was a thing of the past.

On the other hand, Hannah could sense a gap widening between them. A tension. An awkwardness that hadn’t been there before.

“Hannah,” Amelia began. “Not today, but one day soon, do you think…” She bit her lip, looked at her father as if concerned, but then nodded her head. “Might you teach me to swim? I so want to learn.”

Hannah chuckled. “You did rather well the last time.”

“That does not count.” Amelia scrunched up her nose. “The water was not deep, and I didn’t do anything!”

“Amelia,” Frederick warned her, “I have told you, you are not old enough.”

“I am! Please, Father. I wish to learn! Hannah!” Amelia looked pleadingly at Hannah. “Tell him!”

“I told you no,” Frederick insisted.

“Hannah!” Amelia continued to look pleadingly at her.

Hannah was about to laugh it off and tell Amelia that she would discuss it with her father first. Not wanting to overstep, aware of the precipice that her marriage stood on, she figured it might be best to play it safe.

Only before she got the chance, Frederick interrupted.

“Enough, Amelia,” he said warningly. “Hannah is not your mother.”

That statement, said so assuredly and simply, knocked the wind out of Hannah. Frederick did not raise his voice. He did not snap. But the words were enough to remind Hannah of the reality in which she lived.

He was right. Amelia, for how much Hannah loved her, was not her daughter and never would be. Not the girl’s fault, of course. Simply a fact.

Hannah tried her best not to look taken aback by the comment, even if it lit something inside of her that she had been trying to ignore since the previous night. Frederick could treat her like a wife. He could kiss her and make love to her and be the very best of husbands. But it was all surface level, a distraction because that was easier than dealing with the truth—that this marriage had come as far as he was willing to let it.

Anger rising, frustration surging, Hannah forced a smile and looked at Frederick, who frowned when he saw the look in her eyes.

“That reminds me,” she began, knowing already it was foolish but unable to stop because dammit, she needed to do something . “I wish to have my aunt and my cousin Selina over for dinner tomorrow night.”

Frederick balked. “Excuse me?”

“And my father and mother, too. And my sisters and their husbands. We have not hosted since our wedding, and I think it might be a good idea.”

She gave him an over-the-top smile that had his mouth twitching.

“That is… something we should discuss in private.”

“It is needed,” she pushed rightly. “And it is smart. With everything that has happened recently—concerning my aunt, I mean—I think we should make amends, and inviting her over for dinner is a sure way to do that. We don’t want to look petty.”

She could see Frederick struggling to contain his anger in front of his daughter.

“Again, I think this is something we should discuss in?—”

“Furthermore, it will give everyone a chance to see how far our marriage has come.” She took his hand again and squeezed it, looking into his eyes, making sure he saw the point she was trying to make. “And that those nasty rumors were just that, rumors. Isn’t that what you want, after all?”

“I…” Frederick clenched his jaw, forced a smile for Amelia, and then looked at Hannah. “The timing is queer. Perhaps if we wait a few weeks and?—”

“No, no,” Hannah spoke over him, taking a little too much pleasure in the way it made him stiffen. “I insist we do it tomorrow night. I mean… this is my home too, is it not? I should be allowed to host a dinner party?” She chuckled as if it were a joke. “Unless there is a good reason that I cannot? Is there, Frederick? Surely, you would not begrudge me that?”

It was a nasty trick, but it spoke to Hannah’s desperation… and annoyance at her husband.

Knowing that Frederick hated the gossip that had surrounded their marriage, and his desperation for it to stop, a forced social setting like this one meant that he would have no choice but to display his affections. Furthermore, with her sisters and their husbands in attendance, he might see what a happy marriage looked like, the boon of bearing children and starting a family, as she knew both her sisters and their husbands were beyond besotted with their children.

And also, perhaps most importantly, he needed to be reminded that she wasn’t to be walked over and treated like an ‘other’ in this house. They were married. This was her home, too. And it would be that way from now on until her dying breath.

“It will give me something to do today,” Hannah continued triumphantly. “Seeing as you are away all day, that is. You don’t want me growing weary and complacent, do you? After all, a wife needs ways to fill out her day.”

Frederick looked at her ruefully, for surely, he could see what she was doing. The protest. The denouncement of the power he tried to wield over her. The announcement that this marriage wasn’t going to be on his terms only.

“Sounds like a wonderful idea,” he said carefully, keeping his anger at bay. “As you said…” He narrowed his eyes at her quickly, then gave her a smile. “This is your home too, and I would hate to begrudge you that.”

“Thank you, dear.” She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, which he accepted without hesitation.

Did Hannah want to raise a family? Did she want this marriage to be more than it was? She decided right then and there that she did. And while she suspected that Frederick was hoping to ignore what had happened last night, slowly letting things settle and then returning to how things had been, she needed to let him know that such fancies were not an option.

Consequences be damned.