Chapter 14

"Miss Lettie, Miss Lettie, it's the day of the May Day celebration," cried Sasha, racing into Audrey's room, and jumping onto her bed.

"I'll get dressed and be with you in a few minutes," responded Audrey, longing for a little more sleep. The tendrils of exhaustion still clung to her since the illness. One day she would feel strong again.

Sasha almost jumped up and down in excitement. "Barton says that there will be rides in the little pony and trap. I can have the first ride, along with Miss Jane and Miss Grace. There will be a tug of war between the two villages on the estate, and Mrs. Driscoll says there is dancing around a maypole. I've never seen a maypole. I'm good at dancing, though."

"You're an excellent dancer Sasha. You keep time to the music very well indeed."

Audrey remembered the annual maypole dancing at Rowton Castle, signifying the beginning of the warmth everyone had missed in the long, dark winter months.

As she came down the stone spiral staircase with the wrought iron balustrade leading to the room that had been set up as a temporary school room, she reflected on her fear that one of the thirty guests might recognize her as Lady Audrey, and she would have to explain why she was here.

Until recently she had been one of them, a member of the ton, attending recitals and balls in Bath and London.

Although she had no qualms about working as a governess, she didn't want any awkward conversations, or gossip spread, about the way she had left Rowton Castle, and why she had taken a post of governess.

The dowager duchess, aware of Audrey's story, suggested she spend a few weeks recovering from the scarletina fever, and considering whether she wished to enter society again. Audrey had time to consider what to do next as Sasha settled into her new life, and Audrey acted as her governess. Despite the close confinement during quarantine, there had always been chaperoning by Nurse Walters, or Mrs. Driscoll, so her reputation was not ruined. If she chose to enter society again, then the dowager had offered her full support.

She needed time to think. At the moment, she certainly had no desire to return to society but knew that may change as her strength returned.

Sasha had skipped off with Grace and Jane to investigate what was happening in the park.

Sasha had asked Audrey to look after Flossie, thinking it might be too busy and bustling for the puppy. Audrey held the puppy close, as they watched events get underway in the park.

She had planned to stay inside most of the day and watch the activities through the window.

Nurse Walters told her not to be so silly, as in her opinion, people of quality rarely looked at governesses or companions, unless they needed something from them. But Audrey remained cautious, using her recent illness as a reason not to attend the May Day Celebrations.

Yet, as she watched the Morris Dancers, ribbons flying from their colorful costumes, dancing to the music of a group of musicians, she wished she'd made a different decision. Her foot tapping, and with the sash window thrown open, she tried to copy the steps. How she missed dancing.

A procession of women and girls wearing flowing white dresses with sashes and flowery circlets in their hair made their way to the maypole, which stood tall, ribbons streaming from the top.

The music changed tempo and the dancers moved into position, ready to begin the steps of the ancient Clairville May dance.

Sasha stood gracefully, in her flowing white dress and circlet of flowers, holding hands with Jane and Grace, and then they were off, skipping towards the maypole, a look of intense concentration on every face. Seeing little Sasha dancing joyfully around the maypole, giggling with the duke's sisters, lifted her spirits.

The music grew quicker, and their feet found the rhythm, dancing under and between the ribbons, and she gasped as she saw the woven pattern beginning to form at the top of the tall pole. If any of the dancers had gone wrong the ribbons could have twisted in a knot, but they all kept focused on their position and steps as the music continued.

How she wished to be dancing around that maypole and not hiding in her room. Anger built as Audrey considered the restrictions she had put on her life, all started by the need to escape from her brother.

As the maypole dance ended, and the dancers bowed and curtsied to each other, something snapped inside Audrey. Despair, fury, white hot anger filled her body. She held the tiny dog close as she stood tall, almost gaining in height.

Why am I hiding in my bedchamber, anxious about joining Sasha in exploring the event? We could have been down there Flossie, but I told myself I had to stay hidden in this room.

Why am I hiding what happened? I hide inside while Ethan drives around in the shiniest carriage I've seen, enjoying his riches and power. He tells me the family is poor and I must marry. I don't believe a word of it. He just wanted a marriage settlement and even more wealth.

She caught her breath, full of a gritty determination that she would no longer hide. She had chosen to be a governess. If she met anyone, she knew then she could be proud that her independent spirit had led her to make her own way in the world.

She placed Flossie in her basket and went to check her face and gown, putting on her bonnet of a shade of spring lilac and wrapping a woolen shawl around her shoulders, as much for comfort as for warmth. As she felt the soft wool around her shoulders, she felt calm and confident.

She glanced out of the window as she prepared to go downstairs and join the May Day Celebrations. Seeing the duke escorting Lady Caroline onto the temporary dance floor, she held onto the window ledge, her fingers curled around the wood as she watched. Everyone stopped to clap in rhythm as the pair led a procession of dancers.

Ah, the dowager must have chosen Lady Caroline Ridlington to be Queen of the May, thought Audrey. Everyone had expected it would be Lady Beatrice, but the honor had instead been given to their guest. As the music stopped, the dowager duchess moved forward to crown Lady Caroline with a circlet of periwinkle flowers, with lilac ribbons flowing down her back. Audrey gasped, seeing Lady Caroline looking like a true May Queen, smiling up at her May King.

The duke bowed his head as his mother placed the May King's crown on his head and curtsied before him. Applause rang out across the park and the musicians played the music for the first dance.

Audrey brushed a tear from her cheek, as she started crying. The duke and Lady Caroline were so elegant as they moved through the steps of the traditional country dance. They looked so right together, an elegant pair, gliding and twirling in unison.

All these weeks, part of her had been dreaming of love and romance with The Duke of Clairville. Standing at the sash window, looking out over the park she recognized her folly. The duke would soon be betrothed to the May Queen. It was time for her to leave. She would prepare and wait until Sasha no longer needed her, but that day was very close.

Whatever happened, she was determined to no longer hide in the shadows, and so she made her way downstairs to join the celebrations. Sasha did not need her. Audrey smiled as she saw the child being introduced to new arrivals who she assumed to be Lady Alice, the duke's eldest sister, with a boy of about six and a girl about the same age as Sasha. All three raced off together to play touch tag. Lady Elspeth saw Audrey and called her across to meet her sisters, Alice and Mary. Mary carried a baby in her arms, a little girl who reached out her hand to grab Audrey's fingers.

The dowager duchess joined them briefly, telling Mary and Alice that Cook had prepared refreshments for them in the morning room. She nodded at Audrey, but there was no invitation to join them.

Overcome with intense sadness, and angry with herself for feeling jealous of others, Audrey made her way to the ornamental garden at the side of the hall.

The scent of honeysuckle and viburnum met her as she turned the corner and went through the gate into the private family garden. It would be quiet, and she needed time to reflect.

Settling into an arbor, enclosed by scented early honeysuckle, she closed her eyes and breathed in the fragrance. The scent was like a comforting balm enveloping her mind and body. Everything was still and calm, away from the lively celebrations, and she relished these moments of peaceful sanctuary.

It would be best to leave Clairville and find a position where nobody knew her history. She would start again in another part of the country. Maybe the family in Harrogate would still have a place for her, or she could stay with Franny until she found employment. It was possible she still had an inheritance, and it was time to make enquiries.

Eyes closed, working out her future direction, she didn't hear the creak of the gate and sound of footsteps approaching. A quiet voice called her name, and she opened her eyes to see the duke approaching. She reached down to grasp the stone-cold bench. knowing she needed strength and support as she prepared herself to tell him her plan.

Audrey rose to greet him and his smile was one of pleasure at finding her. "I wondered if you would be here. You look perfect there, surrounded by that arch of honeysuckle. Please sit down."

As Audrey sat back down, she felt the usual flip of butterflies in her stomach, along with a racing pulse.

It can't continue, she thought sadly. We've been flirting, skirting around romance for several weeks. There is a connection, a web of love and passion joining us together, but we both know that nothing can come of it. It's time for me to put an end to this.

"I'm glad to see you, Your Grace. What a wonderful afternoon," Audrey declared. "It appeared that everyone was having a wonderful time. Little Sasha is truly happy with your sisters, and now she is with your nephew and niece playing games. She has settled very quickly and appears to be coping well with all the changes."

"It's good to revive the May Day traditions. I wasn't sure, but my mother made the right decision."

And the same can be said about your future bride,she thought. You may have doubts, but in the end, you will decide your mother has made the right choice for you.

"The crown suits you,"Audrey joked. "With Lady Caroline on your arm, you made an elegant couple."

"Hardly," he said, laughing, "but it made Mother happy."

"I have news of my own. My good friend Mrs. Weston has invited me to join her, as a companion, on a trip to Italy. When I return, I will take up a position as governess for another family."

Her arms kept gripping the stone bench. Every word was difficult, but she was determined to keep bright and cheerful.

"Sasha is happy and settled," Audrey continued. "I'll leave at the end of June, so you have time to find a replacement. By then she will be ready to study and learn again."

"But…" The duke looked stunned.

Audrey carried on, ignoring his attempt to speak. "You need to make sure the new governess can speak French; I believe it is Sasha's first language."

Audrey stood up from the bench. What she had decided earlier, about being strong and no longer hiding in the shadows, was true now. There was no place for her at Clairville Hall, especially once the new duchess-to-be, Caroline, was in residence.

The duke stood speechless, seemingly in shock at her words.

"Miss Banks, erm, Lady Audrey, I thought you were happy here and wanted to stay?"

"That was only until you found a replacement," Audrey said, and with a huge effort, she managed to smile brightly and look directly at the duke. "I believe the end of June gives you time for that?" She paused and pulled up an even brighter smile. "I cannot say no to the opportunity of an extended trip to Italy. I've always longed to see Florence."

Keeping her emotions under tight control, she curtsied and turned to leave the fragrant flower garden.

‘No!" His exclamation pierced the silence and startled a group of sparrows into fluttering away.

Audrey stopped and turned back, as the duke reached out and put his hand on her arm.

"Your Grace?"

"You cannot leave this way. I don't understand. Is it something I've said or done? I thought we were friends."

Yes, friends. That's all there I ever was to you, she thought with bitterness.

The duke continued pleading, "Surely Sasha still needs you, needs some stability. You made a commitment to care for her. You cannot leave yet."

How dare he tell me what I can and cannot do. He comes to find me after being crowned May King and making it clear he is ever closer to Lady Caroline. I won't stay here and be hurt by watching the engagement and marriage. It's too painful.

To Audrey, time seemed to stop around them. The scent of the honeysuckle, the enclosure of the herbs and flowers around them created a place where they stood together. The duke gently pulled Audrey into his arms, and she raised her eyes to meet his.

That connection, that fusion between them, drew them closer and Audrey was lost gazing into those caramel-colored eyes. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and the tip of her nose. She held onto him, knowing if she let go, she might swoon to the ground. He smiled, eyes tender, but with a hint of desire. "Audrey, dear Audrey," he whispered, his breath ragged. She sighed, her lips ready for his, as he kissed her and the connection between them was complete.

Those weeks of suppressed desire, in close confinement, the growing attraction between them. Audrey had not dreamed it, it was there. The strong, invisible web of connection. She was home, this was the place she wanted to be.

As the duke moved away, all the anxiety she had felt earlier flooded back into her mind. This was an illusion, she was a governess who had left her identity as Lady Audrey behind. There was no future for them.

I need to stop this now. I may love the duke, thought Audrey, recognizing that she was, indeed, in love with him. That made it even more imperative that she should put distance between them and leave Clairville Hall.

She took a deep breath and spoke with cold, dispassionate clarity. "I believe there has been some mistake. I am glad to be a governess and friend." She stood back and curtsied. "However, this moment must be a memory and nothing more. You cannot decide my future, I am the only one who can decide the direction I must take. There is no future in …" she paused, willing her voice not to falter, "no future, in this …"

He stood staring at her in disbelief. No matter. her decision and direction were set.

"I plan to leave at the end of June." Audrey was adamant.

Gathering every inch of dignity, she walked down the path toward the hall, away from the man she loved, away from the most beautiful, tender moment of her life, walking toward heartbreak and uncertainty. She did not look back.