Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

S eth walked out into the darkest part of the garden and paced back and forth. It was hard to feel as if he had any justification at all for being out here, but he couldn’t make himself go back inside. Not now that he knew what he would see if he did.

Of course, I’ve known all along . That made him feel as frustrated as anything else. He couldn’t really bring himself to be angry about any of it, because he knew the anger was entirely unjustified. How could he feel angry that Lady Lavinia was dancing with other gentlemen? They had planned for her to do that. They had planned it together .

Seth had given her every indication that this was what he wanted. Even when he had broken his resolve and allowed himself to kiss her, he had quickly thrust her away and told her that it wasn’t what the two of them ought to be doing.

That didn’t change the way it made him feel to see her in someone else’s arms. Though he knew it didn’t make sense, it felt as if someone was stealing from him. It felt like someone was taking what was rightfully his with no regard for him or respect for him at all.

He knew that was a terrible way to think. Lady Lavinia did not belong to him, or to anyone else. She was her own person. That was something she had made very clear in the time they had known one another, and it would be deeply disrespectful of Seth to try to claim her like that.

Besides, even if she was eager to belong to a gentleman, she could never be his. He was determined not to marry, and a marriage was precisely what she wanted. How could she ever be his under those conditions?

He turned at the sound of footsteps, knowing that he needed to retreat even more deeply into the garden. He didn’t want to see anyone right now. He wanted to be on his own, to sort through these thoughts. If Allan were to find him, his friend would try to persuade him that he ought to go to Lady Lavinia, and if his mother came upon him, it would be even worse. Seth didn’t know if he had the strength to have those conversations again right now.

For a moment, he considered hiding in a bush the way he had done with Lady Lavinia. The thought made him smile, but it also made his heart break a little. To think of all the things that had happened to him—to both of them since that moment—and now they were all over. It was enough to make him feel something close to grief.

The footsteps were almost upon him. There was no escaping, then. He turned to see who it was?—

His heart constricted in his chest so violently that for a moment he genuinely wondered whether he was ill.

It was Lady Lavinia.

“You shouldn’t be out here,” he managed. “Go back to the ballroom.”

“You’re out here,” she pointed out.

“That’s different.”

“Tell me why it’s different.”

“You know why.”

“Because I’m a lady?”

“Yes, of course. And because you and I shouldn’t be out here together like this.”

“Still worried about scandal,” she said. “Sometimes I think worrying about scandal is the biggest part of you.”

“I think you must know it isn’t,” he said. “Besides, it’s you I’m worried about. I’ve put a lot of time and energy into you, Lady Lavinia, and I would hate to see it all go to waste because you aren’t protecting yourself from rumors. How do you think it would look to the gentlemen at this party if they found out you had been out here in the garden with me? No one would ever want to marry you.”

She looked away for a moment, and he thought he must have hurt her. It made him feel guilty, and he was about to say something—to apologize, tell her he hadn’t really meant it in the way it had sounded. Something had to be said.

But when she turned back to him, her eyes were blazing so fiercely that he imagined he could see sparkles of green in the darkness. “Is that what you think?” she demanded. “That a little thing like this could change my fortunes so entirely? Make it so that no one would ever want me?”

“I’m not criticizing you,” Seth said. “This is the way the world works. People get ideas about young ladies, and those ideas change everything. They just do.”

“You’ve never given me enough credit,” she snapped. “You always think I’m less than I am. You think I don’t understand the way the world works, that I’m out here speaking to you because I don’t realize it puts me at risk.

“Don’t you remember that I’m the one who saved you from a scandal in the first place? Don’t you recall the reason you decided you owed me in the first place? And now you think I’m not clever enough to have made the choice to be here on my own, knowing the risks.”

“I think you should go back inside,” Seth said firmly. “That’s what I think.”

“Well, I can’t go back inside,” Lady Lavinia insisted. “I can’t go, because you’re wrong about something else, too. You’re wrong to think that I’m going to struggle to find a gentleman who wants to be with me.”

“I never said that,” Seth told her, genuinely surprised. Was that what she had heard? What he’d said—what he believed he’d said—was that she was going to struggle to find love with someone. The idea that someone would want to be with her wasn’t difficult to believe at all. It was the idea that such a person would also be someone she would choose—that was what gave him trouble.

Lady Lavinia didn’t bother to clarify with him what he had meant to say to her. “Lord Hennington has proposed,” she said.

Seth felt as if he had been punched. “What?”

“He’s asked my father for permission to marry me.”

“I understand what proposal means,” Seth barked. He had a million questions and didn’t know what to ask. “When?” he managed. “When did this happen?”

“Just now,” Lady Lavinia said. “I just came from my father’s chambers, where Lord Hennington made his request.”

“He hardly knows you,” Seth objected.

“Do you think I don’t know that?”

“What did your father say?”

“He gave his permission.”

“So you’re going to marry Lord Hennington.”

“Lord Hennington says that he wants me to choose for myself,” Lady Lavinia said. “But I think you and I both know that I’m not going to have any real say in the matter. My father has made his decision.”

“Then why are you here?” Seth asked her. The question came out sounding unnecessarily gruff, but he was irritated. “If you’ve already found a marriage, you don’t have any more reason to spend your time talking to me. What are you doing here? Why aren’t you off with your fiancé, celebrating?”

“I have nothing to celebrate!” Lady Lavinia burst out. “You’ve left a serious gap in my education, Your Grace.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know how to love him!”

He stared at her, unable to make sense of her words.

She took a deep breath, evidently in an attempt to steady herself, and went on. “I don’t know how to overcome the fact that, when I look at him, I feel nothing,” she said. “He’s a very good man. There’s no reason for me to be like this. I should be happy that someone like Lord Hennington wants to marry me. I should be grateful. But I feel nothing at all.”

“And you feel as if that’s my responsibility?”

“You never taught me what to do when a gentleman wanted me.”

“That’s all I taught you!”

“No. That isn’t what I mean. What I mean is that you didn’t explain how I should focus my attention on him. I can’t seem to picture a life with Lord Hennington. I can’t convince myself to get excited about the prospect. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said. “I look at him, and I feel nothing at all.”

Seth felt hollow. He had suspected this. He had seen the way she was around Lord Hennington, and if he was perfectly honest, he had known the two of them weren’t right for one another. But he’d never thought Lord Hennington would ask to marry her. He had never thought this would all become so serious so quickly.

She was looking at him with desperation, and he could see that her question was a sincere one. She really hoped that he would be able to help—that he would give her some magic answer to the problem she now faced. She wanted him to tell her how to force herself to fall in love with Lord Hennington.

Seth knew that no such answer existed. Love would grow or it wouldn’t. He personally tended to believe that such things were more likely to fade than they were to grow. If you didn’t feel passionately toward one another at the very start, what hope was there for things to improve further down the line? She seemed to be facing an impossible situation.

And he wondered—if he had believed there was an answer, a way to make the love she was looking for a reality—would he have given it to her?

Would he really have crossed this final bridge and helped her to fall in love with Lord Hennington?

He wanted to say that he would have done that for her, just as he had done everything else he had believed she’d needed so far, but the truth was that he didn’t know. This time, he wasn’t sure. Maybe he wouldn’t have been able to bring himself to help her fall in love with another man if he’d had the secret.

He had to get out of her life. She deserved to be free of someone as selfish as him.

And yet, for all that, he couldn’t bring himself to walk away.

Her eyes filled with tears. “I’ve done everything,” she said softly. “I’ve done everything you suggested. Everything you told me I needed to do. I have worn the right colors, behaved the way I was supposed to, moved with confidence, spoken to people I might otherwise have avoided. I have done everything right.”

“And it’s paid off,” he told her. “You’ve already received a proposal from a wonderful gentleman.” He tried to keep his voice gentle. He didn’t want her to be able to hear all the painful things he was feeling. She shouldn’t have to suffer through his mental anguish.

“But it isn’t supposed to be like this,” she whispered. “I was supposed to get to fall in love. Love, like what you read about. Like what?—”

She trailed off, looking into his eyes, and Seth wondered what it was she wasn’t saying. It was obvious that there was something she didn’t want to mention to him, but he couldn’t fathom what it might be.

She cleared her throat. “Like what other ladies feel when they look at the gentlemen they admire,” she said. “I know what it feels like. I’ve—I’ve heard about it.”

She had stammered over her words again, and Seth felt quite certain that I’ve heard about it was not what she had originally intended to say.

“Why can’t I feel those things with the gentleman I’m to marry?” Lady Lavinia demanded.

“My heart doesn’t flutter. My head doesn’t spin. I don’t feel anxious or excited for the next time I’m going to be around him. I feel nothing at all, and it isn’t right or fair in the least. You were supposed to prepare me for marriage, Your Grace. You were supposed to make sure I was ready. But you did something wrong. You missed a step. I look at Lord Hennington and I feel nothing at all.”

She looked at him with expectation in her eyes, and Seth felt utterly at a loss as to what he ought to say.