Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

“ I have to approach him and speak to him,” Lavinia told her sister. “I have to tell him I’m sorry for the way I acted the last time we saw one another, and that’s going to be very difficult, because it means admitting I was wrong.”

“It sounds to me as if he’s the one who ought to apologize,” Edwina said firmly. “Did he really tell you that you had a bad personality?”

“I think he meant to say that I didn’t , actually,” Lavinia sighed. “It was just the way he said it that I didn’t like. But I shouldn’t be so sensitive about it. I do want his help, after all.”

“No, he should be courteous to you,” Edwina said. “If you ask me, he’s the one who has the bad personality.”

Lavinia chuckled. “You’re a good person to have on my side,” she told her sister. “I know that you would always defend me, no matter what.”

“Well, of course I would,” Edwina said firmly. “I don’t know what kind of person wouldn’t always take her own sister’s side. But I’m not doing it because we’re sisters. I’m doing it because it’s the truth. You’re a lovely person, Lavinia, and you always have been, and anyone who can’t see that is clearly the one who has a problem—not you.”

“He had a point,” Lavinia said. “There is something about me that pushes people away. I can’t pretend it isn’t there. I need his help if I’m going to find myself a match by the end of this party.” She looked at her sister. “Do you still believe it’s possible for me?” she asked. “Do you still think I’m going to be able to find someone? That I shouldn’t give up?”

“Of course you shouldn’t give up,” Edwina said. “Why would you give up? Your time isn’t even halfway done, and look what’s happened already. The Duke of Loxburgh has taken a personal interest in you. He’s bought you new gowns—which people have been noticing, by the way. You might find someone at any moment. Today could be the day the gentleman you fall in love with approaches you, and what if you had given up before he could do it?”

“It’s a relief to hear you say so,” Lavinia said.

“Why are you asking me this? I thought we’d established this already. Wasn’t I clear that I didn’t think you should give up on yourself?”

“You were clear,” Lavinia said. “But then I spoke to Matthew yesterday, and he believes that I should go to father and tell him I don’t wish to try to find love anymore. He thinks I should give up.”

“That’s preposterous,” Edwina said. “I know Matthew believes in you.”

“I think what Matthew believes is that my desire to find love isn’t very important,” Lavinia said. “I know it’s not very important to him , and he’s never really understood why it matters to me. He thinks I should just let it go.”

“Matthew is a good brother, but he’s never fully understood what it’s like to be a lady,” Edwina said. “It’s not something he can understand.”

“So you still don’t think I ought to give up, truly?”

“I think it makes perfect sense that you want a marriage to someone you feel something for,” Edwina said. “To tell you the truth, I dream of the very same thing.”

“Do you? You never said so.”

“I didn’t feel as if I needed to bring it up,” Edwina said. “Father reserves all his pressure and criticism for you. But I think I feel the same way you do. I don’t think I would like to marry someone who doesn’t matter at all to me. I think I would rather remain a spinster. Grow old alone.”

“Matthew thinks I would have regrets if I were to choose that life.”

“Matthew can’t possibly see the future. He doesn’t know what you would regret.” Edwina sighed. “He’s our brother. He wants to take care of us. I understand that, and it’s something I appreciate about him, but at the same time, he needs to learn when to step back.

“He needs to understand that sometimes you and I know more about what we want and need than he does. If you don’t want to be forced into a loveless marriage, that’s understandable. I’m not even sure he wouldn’t say the same thing, if he was at risk of having his hand forced on the matter.”

Lavinia smiled. “I should speak to you about this more often,” she told her sister. “You always seem to know what to say to make me feel better.”

“Are you going to speak to the duke now?” Edwina asked. “I’ll come with you, if you’d like me to.”

“That would be helpful,” Lavinia admitted. “I don’t relish the idea of facing him again after our confrontation—but I know what he would say to me about that.”

“What would he say?”

“That I ought to be bold. That gentlemen will like me better if I show that I’m not too timid,” Lavinia said. “I think a part of my problem is simply that I’ve always felt shy. I’ve always been a bit of a wallflower, and that makes it difficult for me to socialize with gentlemen because I’ve never gotten any practice at it.”

“I think that’s right,” Edwina said. “You have a lovely personality, and you’re very enjoyable to talk to. But I’ve seen what happens when you get nervous in a conversation. You stumble over your words. You say odd things. And then gentlemen don’t respond well to you, and it makes it that much more difficult for you to try again the next time.”

Lavinia smiled at her sister. “Now, if the duke had said it like that , I might have found it easier to hear.”

“But you believe that was what he meant when he spoke to you?”

“Yes, I think it was. And even if it wasn’t…I do need his help. He’s not a gentle sort of man, but he does genuinely want to help me—if only for his own selfish reasons. I think I allowed it to bother me that his reasons were selfish, but I shouldn’t let that get to me because, at the end of the day, help is help, no matter what his motives for giving it may be.”

“He’s right over there,” Edwina said. “Shall we go and speak to him now?”

Lavinia turned in the direction her sister was pointing and saw the duke. He was on his own, not in conversation with anyone else, staring out the window that overlooked the garden, and she knew that it was an ideal time to speak to him.

She took a deep breath and walked over. Edwina followed a few paces behind her, and Lavinia was grateful for her sister’s steadying presence. This would have been more difficult to face on her own.

“Pardon me, Your Grace.”

The duke turned to face her. His eyebrows lifted slightly at the sight of her. “Lady Lavinia,” he said. “I didn’t expect to speak to you today.”

“I believe I owe you an apology,” she said, feeling her face grow warm. She had thought she was ready for this conversation, but now, looking at him, she suddenly felt shy and off-balance.

“You owe me an apology?”

“Because of…the last time you and I spoke.” She knew she shouldn’t say out loud that their last interaction had taken place in the library late at night. They might be overheard, and it would cause all sorts of problems if the details of that clandestine meeting became widely known. “I wanted to tell you that I know I shouldn’t have become as angry as I did. I certainly shouldn’t have walked away from you in the way I did.”

“No,” the duke agreed. “You shouldn’t have.”

It struck her deeply. She knew she needed to stay where she was, that she needed to remain humble and hear what he had to say if she was to have any chance at convincing him to help her again. But a part of her wanted to walk away right then and there. Couldn’t he even accept an apology? Was that too much to ask for?

He sighed. “The truth is, I’m the one who should apologize,” he said in a grudging tone.

That was completely unexpected. Lavinia found herself tugging at the bodice of her gown before she remembered his admonition that she shouldn’t do that—that it betrayed her anxiety. “What do you mean?” she asked, letting her hands fall to her sides.

“I mean that you were right,” the duke said. “When we met, I asked you to be vulnerable. I asked you to expose your weaknesses, and you did so readily. I could have been kinder in the way I dealt with you. I wanted to be of help to you, and I wasn’t worried about your feelings.”

And Lavinia realized—he was fidgeting too.

Not as much as she had. Most people would probably never have noticed the way he had shifted his weight from one foot to the other and scratched behind his ear briefly. But he had said it himself—fidgeting was a sign that you were nervous.

Was the duke nervous?

Had she made him feel that way? Even in a small way?

He cleared his throat. “I still think you need to be a bit tougher. You need to promise me that you’ll be capable of hearing criticism without walking away.”

“I can do that,” Lavinia said. Her pulse felt uneven. She thought she might have agreed to anything he asked of her in that moment.

“Good,” the duke told her. “And in exchange, I can promise you that I won’t be as harsh with you in the future.”

“So…can we begin again?” she asked him.

“You’re saying that you’d still like to have my help?”

“I’m saying I think I need it. I don’t know if I have a chance at finding the future I want if someone doesn’t help me, and you are the only person who’s offered.”

He nodded. “Then shall we say the usual time and place?”

“I think that would be good, yes.”

“Your Grace,” Edwina interrupted, stepping forward. “I want to be sure that you’re dealing with my sister kindly.”

“Do you, Lady Edwina?” The duke raised his eyebrows at her. “And how much of all this are you aware of?”

“She knows everything,” Lavinia told him. “I told her all about it.”

“Do you think that was wise?”

“I do, as a matter of fact,” she said evenly. “My sister can be trusted with all my secrets. If I can’t trust her, there’s no one in the world I can trust.”

The duke nodded. “I suppose it’s too late to take the information back if you’re wrong,” he said. “Does anyone else know?”

“No one,” she assured him. “I know how much it matters to you to keep this a secret. You wouldn’t want anyone to find out you had been meeting with me.”

“I wouldn’t want anyone to find out I had been meeting with any lady,” he clarified. “It’s not because it’s you, Lady Lavinia.”

She appreciated that clarification. It made her feel a bit odd that he had realized she would need to hear it, that it would matter to her that he treated her no differently than anyone else. There were so many gentlemen at this party who thought of her as someone to be avoided because of how awkward she was with them.

Things might be complicated and somewhat unpleasant between the duke and herself, but at least he didn’t look at her in that way. It made it easier to think of voluntarily spending time in his company.

“I’ll see you later this evening, then,” she said.

But she lingered for a moment before walking away, a part of her wondering whether he might ask her not to go. Was there any possibility of them spending time together during daylight hours? If there was anything that would improve her social standing more than being seen in the presence of a duke, she couldn’t think what it was.

And there was something more than that, too. Despite the unpleasant tension that had existed between them, she found she didn’t want to walk away. She wanted to stay with him. As exasperating as he was, she felt more alive in his company than she did with almost anyone else.

But she could find no excuse to stay, and he didn’t ask her to, so after a few moments, Lavinia turned and walked away.