Chapter Twenty-Seven
chapter twenty-seven
June 21, 2019
So, how are you doing, really?” Ryan asked. “The no-bullshit answer, please.”
I didn’t know who else to tell about Lexie’s ashes, so I had gone to Ryan. We were settled into a corner table at the Blue Heron with lattes. Soft rock from the ’70s drifted from the speakers, America singing “Tin Man”—the kind of music Ryan’s parents had always played. I rubbed my eyes. “Okay. The truth is, I think I’m going crazy.” I was unsure where to start. I wasn’t ready to tell him about dropping the flashlight in the pool and then finding it on the edge. Or that there was a real girl who drowned who had the same name as Rita’s imaginary friend. Martha wasn’t such an uncommon name, was it? So I said, “My father is insisting that Lexie is visiting him. He’s been sketching her as proof. I’ve seen pictures he’s done of her in the attic, bedroom, and kitchen. The details… they’re unsettling.”
“Where’s your father now?” he asked, his voice serious.
“At Sparrow Crest. Diane’s there with him. She thinks he’s had a total psychotic break.”
“And what do you think?” he asked.
That maybe I’m having one, too.
“Last night, after he put her ashes in the pool—dumped them in, really—he pointed at the water and said Lexie was there.” I paused; here was the tricky part. Did I admit it? And what had I really seen? The only thing in that water is what we bring in with us. “I saw something,” I admitted. “A flash of white. Like an arm and hand coming up, breaking through the surface. Then it was gone.”
He looked at me, then down at the foam on his latte. His face had lost all its color.
At that moment, Terri brought over two raspberry muffins, fresh out of the oven. “So nice to see you, Jackie,” she said. “How are you holding up?”
I smiled back at her and lied. “I’m doing okay, thanks.”
“And your father?”
“Oh, you know. He’s managing.”
“How long will you two be in town?”
“We both leave on Sunday.”
“Well, if you can manage it, I hope you’ll have a chance to see my mother again. I heard you had a lovely visit. I know she’d love to say goodbye before you go.”
I nodded. “Absolutely.” Terri went back behind the counter. I turned back to Ryan. “Maybe my father’s not the only one having a psychotic break.” I forced a laugh. “Maybe it’s grief. Guilt. Lack of sleep. Or likely all of the above.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy,” he said, keeping his voice low so that his mother wouldn’t overhear us. Terri went back into the kitchen, leaving the register to a young man with a pierced eyebrow.
Ryan looked at me. “I don’t think Lexie was either.” He took in a deep breath and let it out. “She told me she believed there was something in that water. Something terrible. Something that had been there a long, long time.”
The hairs on the back of my neck felt prickly. “She told you that? When?”
“The last time I talked to her—we were sitting right here, actually. But I thought it was just Lexie being Lexie. Or at least, that’s what I told myself.”
“And now?”
He picked at the muffin on his plate, pulling it apart. “There’s something I need to tell you,” he said, eyes not meeting mine.
“Okay.” But it didn’t feel okay. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear this, whatever it was.
“That same day—the last time we talked—Lexie asked me if I remembered what happened to me that afternoon in the pool when we were kids. That day Lexie and I had the contest?” His voice was small and squeaky, as though he was turning back into his twelve-year-old self.
I nodded. “The last time you were in the pool.”
“Right. Anyway, she asked if I saw anything down there in the water.” He frowned hard, sighed. “I told her I hadn’t seen a damn thing. She got really mad. Wouldn’t believe me. She sat back, crossed her arms over her chest, and said she wasn’t leaving the bakery until I told her the truth. She even did the whole ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’ thing.”
“Was this what your fight was about?”
He nodded. “I held my ground. Told her it was nothing. I let her think she was crazy for believing otherwise. It was such a shitty thing to do.” He looked away, rubbed at his eyes. “She got so mad at me. Said the reason the water had power was because of its secrets. Because no one ever talked about what they’d really seen, things that had really happened there. She stormed out. That was the last time I saw her.” He looked down at his ruined muffin, pushed the plate away, looked up at me. “But the thing is… I lied to her. I did see something that day. But what I saw, it didn’t make any sense. Not then or now. And I guess I thought that by not talking about it, not admitting what I’d seen, that would make it less real.”
I nodded, understanding completely. And I steeled myself for whatever he was going to tell me. “What was it?”
There was a long pause.
“A girl,” he said at last. “A little girl with dark hair and eyes. She was wearing a white dress or a nightgown? She grabbed my leg. She was pulling me down.”
As I listened to Ryan, part of me was floating in the pool with my sister, eyes wide open, terrified of what I might see.
“It sounds crazy, I know, like I made it up, but I swear it was real.”
“I don’t think it sounds crazy,” I said. But then I added the practiced words I’d been telling myself my whole life. “The water down there is so black.”
Keep telling yourself that, Jax.
Ryan said, “Later that night, when I was back at home, underneath the three scratches on my ankle, there was a bruise. My ankle turned black and blue from whatever grabbed me in that water.”
Something’s in the water.
“Do you think I’m nuts?”
I shook my head. “If you are, then I guess I am, too.” I blew out a breath. Thought for a few seconds about how carefully guarded I’d become. The only person I was truly upfront and open with was my therapist, and even then, I didn’t tell her everything. I thought of what Diane had said, about how our family was: If we didn’t talk about something, it was like it didn’t happen. And look where it had gotten us all. I was a social worker. I knew how secrets could fester, bloom into something much bigger, much more powerful and frightening. I knew the importance of facing things, getting them out in the open, talking through them. I knew all of this, yet had been pretty lousy at applying it to my own life.
But it wasn’t too late.
“When I was a kid,” I began, forcing myself to say the words quickly, before I lost my nerve, “not long after your episode in the pool, I went out there at night, alone. And I saw something. Someone. A girl in the pool.”
“With dark hair? A white nightgown?” He looked hopeful but frightened.
“No. She had long blond hair and a blue dress. I think… I think it was Martha.”
“Who’s Martha?”
“My aunt Rita’s imaginary friend. The little girl who lived at the bottom of the pool but came out sometimes.”
“Jesus!” he yelped.
“And the girl you saw.” I swallowed, couldn’t believe what I was about to say. “I think that was Rita.”
He pushed back in his chair, balancing on the two back legs, rocking slightly.
“Martha was a real person once,” I said. “At least, I think so. A little girl named Martha Woodcock drowned in the springs back in 1929. Lexie had been doing all this research, learning about the history of the springs. I found a list she’d made of names of people who had drowned in them.”
“So the girls we saw both drowned in the springs.” Ryan rubbed his face hard. “Now I’m thinking about other things Lexie said. Other stuff that I wrote off—things I wasn’t ready to hear because I was too freaked out. She saw someone in the pool, too.”
“One of the girls?”
“No. A pale, dark-haired woman.”
The woman from Lexie’s sketchbook.
“Lexie said she came from the water. She said there were others down there, too. She’d seen them. But she thought maybe they were all one… thing.”
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“I know. Neither did I. She was talking so fast, one of those famous Lexie tangents. She said for every life it took, it just grew stronger. That’s what gave the pool its strength—to heal people and grant wishes and stuff. And the water, it used those people, kept hold of them somehow. Like everyone who drowned became a part of it. It sounded like such crazy nonsense to me at the time.” He shook his head.
“Ryan, all this is—” What? Impossible? Just another clear example of Lexie’s delusional thinking?
“Your father, when he put Lexie’s ashes in, he said she told him to, right?” He was talking fast, like things were clicking in his brain. “What if that’s true? But what if what he’s seeing isn’t Lexie, but some twisted version of her? Acting on behalf of whatever’s really down in that water?”
How many times had my sister gotten other people to go along on the magic carpet ride of her mania, against their better judgment? Even though she was dead, she was working on me now. Clearly Ryan was caught up in it, too.
He rubbed his face with his hands. “Crazy,” he said again, quieter this time. Then, “Jackie, whatever the truth is, it might not be safe for you to keep staying at Sparrow Crest.” He looked genuinely worried. Like the young Ryan who’d run away from the pool that day. “You and your dad should pack up and stay at Diane’s for the next couple days. Or you can come stay at my place. I’ve got a spare room. Get out of that house—away from that pool—as soon as possible.”
The acidic coffee felt like it was burning a hole in my stomach. I picked at my muffin but couldn’t bring myself to eat any. “I leave day after tomorrow. So does my father. I’m sure we’ll be all right at Sparrow Crest until then.”
When we said our goodbyes, Ryan hugged me extra tight. “Be careful,” he whispered. It came out sounding more like a threat than a warning.
“Folie à deux,” Barbara said.
I’d called her as soon as I’d left the bakery, and told her everything as I walked back through town and up the hill to Sparrow Crest. “I’m sorry?”
“Or more properly, folie à trois, or, if we include your father, folie à quatre.”
“I’m sorry, but my French is limited to please and thank you.”
“It’s a shared delusional disorder. Delusional beliefs and even hallucinations are passed on from one person to the next. Technically, I think yours is more a case of folie à familie.”
“I’m not feeling very comforted here,” I said. “Am I losing my mind or not?”
There was a long pause. Too long for my liking.
“You’re grieving, Jackie. You’ve been gutted by the unexpected loss of your only sister. You’re dealing with a lifetime’s worth of guilt and regrets and old memories. And you’ve thrown yourself into this project, this idea that if you go through your sister’s papers, you’ll be able to make sense of what happened in some way. All of this has made you very open to being caught up in all kinds of shared delusions, conspiracy theories, legends, what have you.”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
“Keep your head, Jackie. Keep yourself safe. I think you should box up your sister’s papers and deal with them later, when you’re out of that house and the grief isn’t so raw and fresh. Come home on Sunday, and give yourself time and distance to heal.”
“Okay,” I said.
“And above all else,” she continued, “I think you should stay the hell away from that pool.”
I walked back to Sparrow Crest, and when I reached the driveway, I saw not only Diane’s car, but a little red Volkswagen Beetle. The gate to the pool was wide open. I steeled myself, thinking of Ryan’s and Barbara’s advice, and went to latch the door. The pool seemed to be waiting for me, perfectly still, black as onyx, the sun above reflecting off it like a mirror.
Someone was there, at the water’s edge. My heart jackhammered.
But no, this wasn’t Lexie or little Rita. This was no ghost.
Diane was crouched at the edge of the pool, leaning down, over it. She was talking. Saying something to herself—or to the water? Was she making a wish? I watched as she dipped a jar in. Then she looked up, saw me, and started.
“I didn’t know you were back,” she said. She was pale. There were dark circles under her eyes.
“What are you doing?” I asked. There were three big glass jars of water beside her. She put the one she’d just filled next to them.
“It’s for Terri.” Diane blushed a little. “Her symptoms have been better since she started drinking it and swimming in it. More than better, actually. She was in a wheelchair this time last year.”
“So you think the water’s… healing her?”
She thought a minute. “I think she believes it is, and maybe that’s enough.”
I looked at my aunt. “You and Terri—” I began.
I was so tired of all the secrets. Of everything we’d all been keeping from one another.
“Terri is one of my oldest, closest friends,” Diane said.
“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. I just feel like all of us, this family, we’re drowning in secrets. You were absolutely right yesterday when you said that’s what our family does.”
I thought of what Ryan had said Lexie believed about the pool: that all the secrets were what gave it its power.
Diane was quiet, looking at the jars she’d just filled, then at the house and the shadow it was casting over us.
“Terri was my first love,” Diane began, voice low and hesitant. She smiled a bittersweet smile, looked down at her own reflection in the black water.
“We were both teenagers, completely freaked out because we’d fallen in love. It was the seventies, people weren’t exactly accepting, to put it mildly.”
“Did anyone know?” I asked. “Mom? Gram?”
She shook her head. “No. We kept it a secret, which only gave it more weight, but it also made it… toxic. We’d end things dramatically, swear each other off, then end up together again a week later. We just couldn’t stay away from each other, no matter how hard we tried.” Her smile was a sad one, but her eyes lit up, and I caught a glimpse of teenaged Diane, young and madly in love, the secrecy only adding fuel to the fire.
“It was a tumultuous relationship that ultimately ended with both of us running off to the safety of boyfriends. We moved away, went to college, got married. But you know what they say—you never get over your first love? It’s absolutely true.” She looked back toward the house. “Nothing, no one, compared to what I’d had with Terri. In my dreams, it was her I went back to again and again.”
It broke my heart a little to think of my aunt pining after Terri for all those years, trying desperately to make some other life work.
“And now?”
“It’s complicated,” Diane said, the muscles in her face tightening.
“What isn’t?” I asked. I looked at the jars of water, thought of my father dumping Lexie’s ashes, of the flash of white I’d seen in the water.
“This pool,” she said, looking down into it. “It has a hold over all of us, doesn’t it?”
I nodded.
“A while back, before Mother died, I was here visiting. I’d had a lot to drink. I actually came out to the water and made a wish. I wished for the thing I wanted most—the thing I’d longed for my whole life. I wished to have Terri back.” She shook her head. “I feel like an idiot admitting to it.”
“It’s not wrong. I think we all make wishes for things that feel impossible. Some do it through prayer. Some wish on shooting stars. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to believe the pool might have the power to grant those wishes.”
She shook her head. “The only power it has is whatever power we give it.”
“But you got your wish,” I said. “You and Terri.”
“It’s not that simple.”
I nodded, imagining she meant Randy and the divorce and all the secrecy.
Diane’s jaw tightened. Her eyes seemed to darken. “See, Terri wasn’t sick then. Not long after I made the wish, she was diagnosed with MS. Her symptoms progressed so rapidly. Her mother, Shirley, pushed her to try the spring water from the pool. Terri resisted at first, but nothing else was helping, so she started coming to Sparrow Crest. I’d meet her. Help her into and out of the water. The old spark between us was still there, and over time, it grew.”
“Wait, are you saying you think your wish made Terri sick? You know that’s not really possible, right? You can’t blame yourself.”
Diane frowned, looked down at the inky water. “No! Of course not!” She kept her eyes on the water, on her own wavering reflection. “But Terri does.”
“What?”
“I told her. I told her about the wish I made. And in her mind, she’s connected it all.”
“So wait, you’re saying she blames you for her MS?”
She shook her head in frustration. “I don’t know. She’s never come right out and said it, but she’s hinted at it. ‘The pool gives and the pool takes,’ she says.”
“That’s what Gram used to say,” I told her.
“Like wishes have a price,” Diane said, scowling. She leaned down, tightened the lid on the last jar of water. “Terri’s a big believer in the power of the water. She got it from her mother, I think. Terri says that the pool grants wishes, but only if it’s the one thing you wish for most.”
“Lexie believed that, too,” I said. “She told me once.”
Diane went on, “But for each wish it grants, it takes something in return. Something to ‘balance the scales’—that’s how Terri puts it.”
I shivered.
“Complete nonsense,” she said. “All these people believing this freezing cold water could possibly hold so much power.” Diane looked back toward the house. “Terri should be out any minute. She went inside to change into her suit for a quick swim. I don’t want her to catch us talking about all this.”
I nodded. “And where’s Ted?”
“Inside. He was going to do some artwork, then go lie down.”
“I think I’ll go check on him.”
“Jax, don’t let on that you know about me and Terri, okay? She’s still… unsure about our relationship. She was sure enough to ask Randy for a divorce, but that whole thing has been messier and more difficult than she’d hoped. She feels like shit for hurting him. She isn’t ready to tell people about us yet. Not even Ryan.”
I smiled. “Mum’s the word,” I said.
I headed inside and upstairs, walked down the carpeted hall to see if Ted was in his room before going up to try the attic. The door to my own room stood open—but I was sure I’d closed it. I slowed my pace. There was someone in there. Someone sitting on the bed. From my vantage point, I could see a pair of bare legs. Lexie?
It was Terri.
She was sitting on my bed in shorts and a T-shirt, no sign of a bathing suit, with her back to the open door, going through the boxes of Lexie’s papers. She was rummaging quickly, like she was searching for something specific. She pulled out a blue envelope. She opened it up, flipped through the contents, then set it down on the bed on top of a pile of papers and photographs she’d already pulled out. She reached back into the box, pulled out something else, and studied it. Then, as if sensing that she was no longer alone, she turned and saw me standing in the hall.
“Oh!” she said. “You frightened me!”
I’d frightened her?“Is there something you’re looking for?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. Her face was red and sweaty. She looked… caught. Guilty. She held out the photograph in her hand. “I was looking for this.” I stepped into the room and looked down at the photo: Terri and Diane at fourteen or fifteen standing in front of the pool in bathing suits, hair wet, arms around each other, sly expressions on their faces. Two girls with a secret. “Lexie showed it to me not long ago. I was hoping to find it so I could show it to Diane.” She glanced down at the photograph. “It seems impossible that we were ever that young. Do you mind if I take it and show her?”
“Not at all,” I said.
She slipped the picture into her back pocket, then gathered up all the other papers and photos she’d pulled out and shoved them into the nearest box. “Lexie found a lot of great stuff,” Terri said. “A real treasure trove of family history.” She put the lids back on both boxes and stood, reaching for her cane.
“Yes, she did,” I said.
I watched her go. Then I went to the window and looked out. Terri was heading for her car—so much for her swim. Diane loaded the jars of water from the pool into the backseat—she seemed flustered. She touched Terri’s shoulder, but Terri shrugged her away and got into the car. Diane leaned down, spoke to Terri through the open driver’s-side window. Terri shook her head and drove off.
Diane and I made sandwiches for lunch.
“Terri decided against a swim?” I asked.
“She wasn’t up for it. She gets tired easily.”
I told her about Terri rifling through the papers in my room. She immediately snapped to Terri’s defense.
“She was looking for a photo, Jackie,” she said, setting down a jar of mustard too hard.
“I know. She showed me.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I just think it’s odd, don’t you? That she’d sneak up there and go through the boxes on her own instead of asking?”
“Jesus, after everything I just told you out by the pool? Terri is not the enemy here.” Diane glared at me. “You’re sounding a little like your sister, looking for secrets and conspiracies that just aren’t there.”
Diane turned away from me and sliced her sandwich in half decisively; the conversation was over.
My father came into the kitchen, whistling. Then, sensing the tension, he fell silent too. He made his own sandwich and we had a quiet lunch, no one saying much of anything.
After fifteen uncomfortable moments in which the only words uttered were “Pass the chips, please,” Diane cleared her plate and announced she was going into work and then home and she’d see us tomorrow. “I trust you two will be all right here on your own tonight?”
“Of course we will,” I said, the words coming out with more of an edge than I’d intended.