21

Fourteen Years Old

NOTHING ABOUT HOMECOMING IS special or fun or the party that Atlas was promising it would be. There are older kids sneaking off to make out in the corners of the room where the adults aren't paying attention. I roll my eyes and ignore the sight of it.

Music fills the room, not too loud, but not quiet either. Lights flash, and people sway and dance.

And with my date using me as a dare, as someone to make fun of behind my back, I'm pretty much over the entire high school experience that is homecoming.

I'm not having fun.

Atlas bumps his hip to mine, swaying gently next to me. His smile is wider than I've ever seen it. "Come on and dance."

I shake my head. He takes my hand gently and tugs me towards the dance floor.

For a moment, I can forget that he's here to be with Moriah. I can go back to believing that it's me and him against the world, like he always promises.

I ignore how my heartbeat races at his touch because I don't want to think of how I have a crush on my best friend. I just want to remember what it was like to be best friends.

That's all I want tonight.

So I let go for the length of the song. I dance with Atlas, letting him spin me away and pull me close to the beat of the song. Moriah is nowhere to be found. She wouldn't care. She doesn't see me as a threat. She knows Atlas and I have been best friends and there's nothing that changes that.

Then the music slows. Couples start pulling each other close, swaying to the music.

"You should go find Moriah," I say, pulling away from Atlas. "You've paid me a lot of attention tonight."

He tugs me back towards him with his hands on my waist, pulling me into a hug and swaying with me. "She'll be okay. I want to make sure you're having fun."

"But what about her?"

"I've spent half the night dancing with her. Besides, she's been dancing with some other guys and keeping herself busy. And I promised I would make sure you didn't regret tonight. Besides… you're my best friend."

He's right… and he's also wrong. I'm hoping he doesn't feel the way my heart is racing against my chest, threatening to break free. Or the way my hands shake slightly behind his neck.

This is everything I've wanted. Yet it's not what I want at all. To know his heart belongs somewhere else while his arms are around me is a cruel joke.

As the music fades, I hold him tighter, trying not to cry.

He rubs my back. "You and me against the world. Always and forever."

His words are a whisper in my ear.

I only wish I could believe him.

AS WE LEAVE THE dance and get into Mrs. Jameson's car, I wonder if I can believe him.Maybe there is truth to his promise.

Atlas sits in the backseat with Moriah while I sit up front with Mrs. Jameson.

I ignore the fact that Atlas and Moriah are whispering and giggling. I glance back, though I instantly regret it when I see Moriah has her hand in his. Maybe it's friendly, but something in my heart says it's more than that.

But Moriah was so insistent that she knew I had feelings for Atlas. She also said she wasn't trying to be with him. So what is all this? Could it really be that she's just touchy and they're talking?

But my heart drops to my stomach when Atlas walks Moriah to her door, and she leans in and kisses his cheek. I look away, knowing that if I keep looking, I'll break.

Atlas returns to his seat in the back, talking with his mom as they drive me home. He tells her about the dance and doesn't ever ask me to fill in any details. I appreciate that very much. Mrs. Jameson pretends she didn't see Moriah kiss his cheek on the front porch.

I pretend, too.

When they drop me off, I thank Mrs. Jameson for bringing me home. I tell Atlas a quick goodbye before he can get out and walk me to my door. I race up to my house before the tears can break free.

My dad is home tonight, for once. One of his coworkers needed to switch shifts with him, so he had a normal day of work and was home in the evening. He also wanted to be home for my first dance, in case I needed him to come get me.

"How was it, Ophelia? Did you have fun?"

Fun. Of all the words to describe that experience, that isn't one I would use.

"Yeah, it was alright. I don't know if I liked it."

I hated it. Maybe not the part where Atlas comforted me. Or the part where we danced. But everything after that shattered my entire experience.

Moriah accuses me to my face of lying about having feelings for Atlas, then kisses him anyway.

Yeah, it was just a kiss on the cheek, but it still meant something to both of them. And now all I want to do is scream and cry.

My dad tilts his head. "Are you okay?"

"I'm tired. That was an exhausting experience. I'm going to shower and go to bed."

"Okay, bug. But you can talk to me if something's bothering you. I'm sorry I'm never here."

I understand why he's never here. I don't resent him for it. My mom made a lot of money and when she dipped out of our lives, he had to do something. And everything he's doing is a sacrifice to keep us here, in the house I grew up in. I never complain about him being gone, although I miss him constantly.

When I say nothing, my dad pulls me into his arms and I finally break down and sob. He doesn't make me say what's wrong. He doesn't force me to speak through the tears. He just holds me close until I'm numb enough to stop crying.

Afterwards, I take a shower and clean the night off of my body.

I knew Atlas didn't reciprocate my feelings, but Moriah knew better. And that's what breaks me apart inside.

When I'm finally in my room, ready to sleep everything away, my phone goes off. I don't look at it, not immediately. I don't want to linger on my emotions. And when I see Atlas has texted me his usual goodnight, I don't reply. I know he'll ask what's wrong tomorrow.

But tonight, I can't face him.