24. Brent

CHAPTER 24

brENT

The flight to Colorado Springs felt like it took half the time on a private plane, even though I knew the flight time was essentially the same. Maybe it was because I dreaded what I had to do. Every time we deployed somewhere, the time to get there seemed so much shorter than when we were coming home.

John sat across from me on the sofa, occasionally chatting with Sandra, while I chose the recliner. I knew I'd pushed him away, and that needed to change. My head still hurt, and I knew he could make things better.

Unbuckling my seatbelt, I got up and went to him on the sofa. He looked up at me as I sat down, leaving space between us.

"You okay?" he asked.

"No. My head hurts," I said, lying down. I put my head on his thigh and immediately felt somewhat better. Just being close to him gave me peace like I'd never experienced before I met him.

John ran his fingers over my head, careful to avoid the injured area to massage the headache away.

"I'm sorry for pushing you away this morning. I know how this is going to go, and I really didn't want you to see her dismiss me again like she did the last time I was here."

"What happened?"

As he gently massaged my scalp, I closed my eyes and told him the story. He listened without saying anything and just let me talk. "Ever since Matt died, it's like they've become strangers."

I turned onto my back to where I could see him. He scooted down a little on the sofa to lean back.

"Does it bother you to talk about him?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I haven't talked about him in a long time. He was fourteen when he died. I was sixteen. He had leukemia, but it wasn't the cancer that killed him. It was a reaction to the chemo."

John changed the topic from death quickly. "Were you close?"

I smiled. "Yeah. I was two years older than him. We both loved football and when we got old enough to play, we were on the same team. He was better than I was, though. That's how they found the cancer. Middle school football. He had bruises all over his body that wouldn't heal, and he was losing weight. Mom took him to the doctor and they sent him over to the children's hospital for testing. He didn't stand a chance at that point. He'd been hiding it. Even from me."

John ran his fingers over my head, relaxing me more. And the words kept flowing from me.

"It's not your fault. You couldn't prevent that from happening."

He was wrong. "I was supposed to protect him. I was the older one. My job as his older brother was to take care of him. And I failed at that."

I didn't realize I was crying until John wiped my tears away. I couldn't remember ever telling all this to anyone.

"All this time, my parents have been punishing me for failing my brother. They stopped being parents, stopped attending my games, stopped showing up for anything unless they had to. And when I went off to college, it was a relief to have the reminder gone. They didn't argue with me about going into the Navy. They just didn't fucking care. And I deserved it."

John cupped the side of my face. "Look at me, Brent. You are not responsible for Matt's death. Cancer is not something you could have protected him from no matter what you did. This is not your fault. And I will keep telling you that for the rest of our lives until you believe it."

God, I wanted to believe him. How could he love me when my own parents didn't? And now the floodgates holding back all this guilt and pain inside me were cracking under pressure. I wanted to believe John, but it was difficult after twenty years.

"And as far as your parents go, that's bullshit. Every bit of that is on them. Not the shoulders of a sixteen-year-old. Now sit up. I need to hold you."

His commanding tone brought me comfort, and I needed to feel his arms around me. I stood up and wiped my face as John wrapped me in his arms. He kissed my face and my forehead, being very careful around my injury.

A bump of turbulence had us sitting back down, but he didn't let go of me. As we sat on the sofa, I thought about what he'd said. I hated the thought of John seeing how I knew my mother was going to treat me. But I had to be there to bury my father. No matter how much of my life they'd missed, they were still my parents. He deserved my respect, even though they'd never returned it.

"You're a good man, sweetheart. And you're not alone in this life."

I nodded but didn't reply. Things were changing. My brothers had found their partners and with time, they'd go about living their lives and raising their families. I just hoped they didn't leave me behind too.

I sat with my head on John's shoulder as Sandra approached. "Gentlemen, can I get you anything to eat? Or bring some coffee or juice? We have about thirty minutes before we land."

"Coffee would be great, ma'am," John replied. "I take mine black, and he likes five pounds of sugar in his."

I laughed. "Not quite that much, asshole. Three packs will be fine."

Sandra smiled at us. "You two make the cutest couple. You remind me of the newlyweds. Have you been together long?"

John chuckled. "Funny thing. We got married on our first date on New Year's Eve in Vegas ."

Her eyes widened as his mouth broke into a big smile. "How romantic is that? And you work with my sweet Austin? That just makes my heart happy."

I smiled at her enthusiasm. "Your sweet Austin, huh?" I couldn't wait to call him that. "What makes him so sweet?"

"He loves my Greer. And it's written all over both of them. It's beautiful to see. They are going to make the best fathers someday. Do you two want kids?"

I sat up and held up a hand. "Oh no, I am a kid. I don't think the Commander here wants more than that."

John chuckled. "Never say never, sweetheart. I wouldn't mind a kid or two in addition to you. Never got the chance to raise Laura, so maybe it's something for us to think about."

I slowly panned to him, making him laugh. I loved that sound and the look on his face that said he was happy. Not just in general, but because of me.

There was no denying it any longer. Despite every wall and obstacle I put between us, I'd never stood a chance. He was selfless and saw the good in me when I thought there was none. And if he'd survive a few days with my mother, he'd be a keeper.

"I guess we can think about it."

He grinned at me. "I'd love to think about that with you."