19. A Shrimp Out of Water

CHAPTER NINETEEN

A SHRIMP OUT OF WATER

The Present: Sato at The Oceanic Conference on Threats to Marine Biodiversity and Population Decline

Sato trailed behind the pod of mermaids, walking among a pack of werewolves. The result of such a group on a marine biology conference was surreal carnage, like a shark feeding frenzy meets ambulatory jellyfish. Only more psychological.

It was an invasion of sorts. If mermaids waged war it would look a lot like this. Weapons of choice: cute power suits, wild hair, lipstick, and a boundless superiority complex. They really weren’t great on legs so they wobbled. Which is why Sato kept thinking about jellyfish.

Judd was grinning. “Are we protecting the mermaids from the biologists or the biologists from the mermaids?”

They kept having to pause while one or another of the diplomatic pod went off to flirt. In the guise of asking unsubtle questions about potency and virility. The mermaids also were quickly learning how to stumble with purpose . Which meant random biologists were being forced to “catch a falling mermaid.”

Sato listened with mild amusement to the eddies of conversation that resulted.

“Why are they all so beautiful?”

“Who are they?”

Cascade tossed her long blonde hair and batted her eyelashes at some gangly tattooed young man who trembled, his fight-or-flight response engaged. She started to approach with clear intent, but Sato put an arm out to stop her.

“No target acquisition allowed right now, we have a mission. You’re too slow at sperm harvesting.”

The man bolted.

Cascade pouted. “Spoil sport.” Obviously she was still in her fertile cycle.

They continued on through the entrance into the main part of the convention center – the scientists scuttling out of their way like hermit crabs.

Sato wasn’t sure what he had expected but this seemed to be a standard collective of adult humanity. No outward signal markers as to them all belonging to a marine biology category of foliage. During his hunt for Patrick over the years, Sato had occasion to observe that some classes of humans dressed alike, those associated with the military or music or sports or being a teenager. Or, for some strange reason, postage. Marine biologists didn’t seem to have any identifying scale colors. Although their attire did appear to be somewhat fish themed as a general rule.

Everyone seemed to be finding the mermaids, as a group of twelve gorgeous women, more intimidating than the werewolves – even though there were three of them, six-foot-plus with muscles for days. In this instance, beauty won over brawn.

“Are they models? Actresses?” Sato heard one of the scientists ask. “Where’s the film crew?”

“What are they doing here?”

“Did they come to the wrong conference?”

“Perhaps it’s cosplay of some kind?”

“What are they cosplaying? LA?”

“Maybe they’re booth babes.”

“This isn’t a gaming convention, Fred! Why would there be booth babes?”

“Can you think of a better explanation?”

“Is that Professor Frederiksen?”

“The microorganism dude? Sure looks like Frederiksen. What’s he doing with them ?”

“He’s some kind of shifter, isn’t he?”

“Is he? You think those are shifters?”

“Makes sense.”

“That’s a lot of women, though. Isn’t the triple helix mostly Y chromosomally linked?”

“Shifter genetics is not my field. Nor is it yours.”

“Just speculating.”

“Funny how a group of people who look like that come to our conference and we think it’s the supernatural walking among us.”

Sato desperately tried to keep his scowl in place.

The pod paused to one side of the cavernous room after completing their entrance process. This involved lines and lanyards and the giving of names. The humans’ convention box was cold and very big with too much space inside it. Everything was white and gray and industrial. It was as if his old high school gym had swollen up like a puffer fish. The lighting was unnaturally white and there were lots of signs of different types hanging everywhere. Sato was unimpressed.

His feet were already hurting from the cement floor. Why were human structures just so awful? He missed Patrick and didn’t like that he had to be away from him already.

He glared at Meymey, but she barely acknowledged his existence.

Instead his sister said to Alec, “So who do we talk to?”

All the mermaids turned to look at the Alpha expectantly.

Alec tugged on one ear, deeply uncomfortable. “No idea. So far as I know, there’s no scientist who studies mermaids in particular. Your kind wouldn’t allow such liberties. But everyone here is interested in marine life and population issues. Someone, probably quite a few someones , has to know something useful.”

“We aren’t fish,” said Onda, firmly. “Just a reminder.”

Alec gave her an annoyed look. “No humans will understand that distinction better than the ones at this very event. You are, technically, marine mammals, though. Even if you do have a scaled tail in your shifted form.”

“No,” said Aqua, firmly. “ This is our shifted state. One tail is our true form.”

Alec looked intrigued. “Is that how you think of it? Interesting. I suppose you can talk in either form.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Alec looked thoughtful. “It just makes you unique among shifters, doesn’t it?”

“Of course we are unique among shifters. We are the People of the Sea . Never animals. People , either way, you silly wolf.” Meymey sniffed as if that were perfectly obvious.

Sato thought it was. But Alec looked like he’d only just come to this realization and was shaken by it.

It didn’t last because he caught sight of someone across the crowd. He waved a hand at a dapper elderly human. “Doctor Morlunkin! Excuse me a moment, I must ask him a quick question about protozoa fungi.” He gave Meymey a funny look. “I suppose you need a cetologist of some sort. Closest I can think of.”

“What kind of species of human is a cetologist ?”

But Alec had already gone off in pursuit of the academic, whose quick steps and nimble dodging through the crowd belied his age.

Meymey looked hopefully at Judd, Kevin, and Tank. “What does a cetologist look like?”

“All humans look the same to me,” said Lana.

“Right?” Morwenna fluttered her hands.

Rilian made a lunge at a bespectacled young man hurrying past them with real fear in his eyes. He dodged. She stumbled on her silly heels.

Kevin said, “The Alpha was articulating a type of marine scientist, I expect. Unfortunately they don’t wear tags saying what they specialize in. Believe it or not, most of them know each other’s specialty by their names and publications or something. I’ve never understood academia. Perhaps we should have brought Colin after all.”

“So what does a cetologist study?” asked Tarni.

Everyone was quiet for a long moment. Judd patted a pocket. “I’d look it up but convention centers never have decent wifi.”

“Why don’t I just ask?” Before anyone could stop her, Meymey sashayed over to a small group of nervous-looking younger humans. Sato suspected they were students of some ilk. “Pardon me, human younglings, would you mind explaining what a cetologist is?”

“Uh oh, a quiz already?” said one.

One of the others quickly added, “A marine mammal scientist who focuses on whales.”

“Whales?” Meymey looked faintly offended.

One of the others hastened to add, “The scientific order Cetacea also includes dolphins. You aren’t actual biologists, right? That means you probably like dolphins. Laymen always love dolphins.”

“Did you just call the Paralia a lay man ?” Onda was truly offended.

“Don’t insult her!” reprimanded one of the others who Sato didn’t catch. Sato suspected Morwenna; she had the worst temper.

Meymey’s lip curled. “Dolphins? I can take ‘em or leave ‘em. They mostly get in the way. Whales and dolphins, you say?”

“And porpoises. Any given cetologists could study any one of approximately eighty species. Did you have a particular cetologist in mind? Or were you looking for someone with expertise in any specific family, genus, or species?” A female of the human group stepped in to take point in dealing with the mermaids.

Wise decision. Best to lead with the feminine when merfolk were around. The pod calmed slightly.

Meymey looked hopefully at Tank, who had moved to keep pace with her. “What is this young human female prattling on about?”

Tank shrugged.

Meymey looked back at the young scientists. “Do you have one in your particular school?” Being a mermaid, she meant the collective social group currently before her, but the students went with the human definition. Sato had to assume that they were, in fact, students. Perhaps graduate students, but they seemed awfully young.

“Is Doctor Wendile here? She’s from our university. But population levels aren’t her particular focus so she might have opted out of attending.”

“Are you reporters?” one of them asked Meymey.

Aqua wobbled over to help. “No, we are just interested – what word did you use? – Oh, yes, lay women .”

Sato and the enforcers stayed watching the interplay with amusement.

Regularly, Sato let his focus drift over the mermaids as a pod, checking up on them and the crowd beyond. The youngsters had failed to engage their collective interest so the mermaids ebbed and flowed.

Cascade had found herself a confused-looking young man with a large beard, and was slowly backing him up against a set of stairs.

Doris and Morwenna had drifted over to a nearby coffee stand and were flirting with both the barista and any male scientists who came to get a beverage.

Rilian, Tarni, and Zale had found a large fish tank and were apparently riveted by the mantis shrimp inside. Rilian appeared to be telling it off in no uncertain terms, using the language of the sea which was odd to hear and see out of water. Her hand gestures were nice but the siren song was somewhat abrasive in the thin air of a landbound world.

Their werewolves were all wincing from it – sensitive supernatural hearing.

Onda went off with a young man who looked like it was the greatest day of his life. Sato wished him well, but wasn’t worried for her safety or timing. She was nothing if not efficient. He expected her back in less than ten minutes. She was also in her fertile cycle, just less flashy about it than Cascade.

Flotty, Hali, and Lana joined Meymey and Aqua. Hali latched onto one of the students and began stroking his arm. He looked like a silverfish stunned by the sun.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think there are any cetologists here from our school,” said one of the others, hurriedly.

The female student, who remained neither awed nor stunned nor confused by the pod, said, “What about Doctor Luckie?”

The group of youngsters collectively inhaled. “But she’s terrifying .”

One of the others hastened to explain to Meymey, “She’s not from our school but she has a wicked reputation.”

“So smart it hurts.”

Meymey inclined her head. “And she is a cetologist?”

“Her specialty is orcas. But if she doesn’t know the answer to your question, she can certainly find out. She’s like that.”

Meymey looked pleased. “Very good. Please summon this lucky human to us immediately.”

“Oh, it doesn’t work like that with Luckie.”

“ She finds you .” The tone was hushed with portent.

“Usually when you least expect or want it.”

“Like an STD.”

“Or a shark.”

“Orcas aren’t sharks, though, you know?” one of them hastened to explain to the mermaids.

Aqua said, “Of course we know .”

The students all looked relieved. “Are you celebrities of some kind? Do you host a show?”

“Maybe a Beauty and the Geek dating show or something?” asked one of the ones whose arm was being caressed.

“Reality TV would make sense but there is no camera crew. None of them even have their phones out.”

“What now?” asked Meymey.

“I’ve answered your questions. It’s now your turn.”

Sato was impressed. This scientist girl was plucky.

Meymey pursed her lips, silvery pink with gloss. “It’s fair. That’s how diplomacy works.”

“Who are you and why do you walk amongst us?” asked the one not easily cowed by mermaids.

Aqua said, “We’re just, ya know, visiting.”

“No one plays tourist at a marine biology conference.” A healthy amount of skepticism colored her tone with sarcasm. Sato admired her even more.

Suddenly, there came an impossibly loud crack noise and chaotic ripple of shocked squeaks from the three mermaids at the fish tank. Also from the small group of courageous scientists they’d gathered around them to flirt.

“Oh, for goodness’ sake, what did she say that pissed it off?” Doris’s tone was all annoyance.

Flotty was grinning. “Was Rilian teasing the mantis shrimp again?”

“What is it with her and shrimp?”

“You know that notch she has in one fin?”

“The one she’s really self-conscious about?”

“Mantis shrimp.”

An even louder crack emanated from the tank, sharp like a gunshot. Raised voices followed, and then the high pitch of mermaids shrieking in siren song.

The werewolves collectively clapped big hands to their ears.

The fish tank fractured.

Tarni and Zale managed to dodge, but Rilian and her stupid heels stumbled. So when the mantis shrimp broke through its massive tank, she was completely drenched in salt water as a result.

Enough water for her to sprout tail. Now there she lay, in a puddle on a glass-covered floor, poised to tail-slap the uncowed mantis shrimp.

Judd lowered his hands. “So much for infiltrating this conference incognito.”

Sato sniffed. “Were they really blending that well?”

“Should I help?” asked Tank.

“She’s not in any actual danger,” answered Sato.

“Ooooo,” said one of the students. “You’re mermaids? That is so cool. Makes way more sense why you’re here.”

“I’ve never met a real live mermaid before,” said another.

“Have you met a dead one?” Meymey turned hostile.

“Oh no! That’s not what I meant.”

“Good.”

A ripple of awe went around the whole convention at the sight of Rilian, now flopping indignantly in the puddle left by the tank. Her damp power suit looked ridiculous all bunched up with a massive tail sprouting out the bottom of the short purple skirt.

“That is glass. She’ll cut herself,” said Kevin.

“Well, go gallantly rescue her then,” suggested Judd.

“Oh, should I?”

“Why are you so bad at being straight?”

Kevin dashed over to rescue Rilian.

“It’s as if he spends all his time with a bunch of furry queers,” said Tank in that mellow, mild voice of his.

Sato shot a confused glance at Judd.

“Our token straight dude,” explained Judd.

“Straight? Why?” wondered Sato.

“We don’t get it either.”

One of the bystanders dove in at Rilian. But Kevin warded him off with one huge arm. Protecting the vulnerable mermaid.

“Move, you big lug,” yelled the man. “Save the shrimp!”

Kevin crouched down, guarding Rilian’s prone form with his bigger body, but the scientist truly wasn’t interested. He scooped up the mantis shrimp and went dashing for one of the other saltwater tanks in a different part of the cavernous room.

Kevin lifted Rilian easily out of the carnage. She was dripping and annoyed but uninjured. Her makeup (by Marvin) was running and her hair was flat and stringy.

Now they were even more of a spectacle, stunning mermaid cradled in the arms of a massive red-headed hot biker guy. It was like the cover of some romance novel.

Murmurs went all around the convention. Scientists began crowding toward Kevin and Rilian with interest. A group of sexy women in power suits was apparently quite scary, but a mermaid was absolutely fascinating. They were marine biologists, after all.

Sato looked away from the tableaux and up, only to realize that the railings all around and above the main room were lined with onlookers. Alec had said that’s where the presentation rooms were located. Classes must be out.

“A mermaid!”

“A real mermaid!”

“Walking among us!”

“Well, flopping.”

“Isn’t she amazing looking?”

“That tail is incredible. Much bigger than I expected.”

“Look at the way the scales go up over her skin, forming a pattern. That is so cool .”

“Also, her skin doesn’t look like normal human skin. More like a dolphin’s.”

Onda rejoined them looking pleased with herself. Sato consulted the big clock. Sperm acquisition had taken her just under eight minutes exactly. Very efficient.

“What’d I miss?” She was smug and relaxed.

Sato pointed at Kevin, standing in the middle of a large crowd of humans, looking slightly confused about what to do next – mermaid in his arms, the hero of an unexpectedly damp action movie.

“We’ve been outed.”

Onda shrugged. “Pity, but we might get answers and attention now.”

“You want more attention?” asked Tank, awed.

She raised her chin at him. “Always.”

“Someone should talk to that mermaid officially . Like representing for the conference,” said a tremulous voice out of the crowd.

“Yes, but who? It’s like we have a visiting celebrity.”

“The organizing committee members?”

“Who’s the most prestigious professor here?”

“Ludvong, but he’d be the worst ambassador ever . So boring.”

“Fair point. Who, then?”

“Professor Macy is our most charismatic speaker. Should we ask her?”

“Isn’t her expertise krill?”

“What has that to do with it?”

“Shouldn’t it be someone who studies marine mammals ?”

Frustration came then. “Does anyone know what to do?”

“Have we ever had actual mermaids visit a marine biology conference before?”

“Not that I’m aware.”

“Are they all mermaids?”

“Not possible. Mermaids hunt alone. They only come to land one at a time.”

“But look at that group there. It would explain how supernaturally sexy they all are.”

“But previous case studies and social patterns suggest they only don two legs for hunting and procreating – on an individual basis! Group visitation to the land is unheard of.”

“Well, I think they’re all mermaids.”

“Not the males.”

“No, you’re right, not them. Just the females.”

“I still think it’s unlikely they’d walk amongst us as a pack like that.”

“Pod. A group of mermaids is called a pod .”

Alec came up to Sato then.

Absolutely no one had noticed the Alpha’s return except Sato and the other werewolves. The Alpha, of all of them, entirely blended in with their surroundings.

“I see you’ve decided to come out.” He was clearly amused.

Sato said, “Rilian has beef with mantis shrimp.”

“I see, surf and turf war. The shrimp won?” The Alpha looked calm and unruffled.

“Evidently.” Sato added, “Bit of advice? Never engage in a fist fight with a mantis shrimp.”

“Okay,” said the Alpha gravely.

Kevin used his bulk and Rilian’s flopping tail to push through the crowd and join the rest of the pod.

“Anyone have a towel?” asked Alec.

Sato said, just to keep them on target, since he’d like to get back to Patrick sooner rather than later, “Do you know a Professor Luckie, Alpha?”

“Of course. Everyone knows Luckie. We don’t have much to do with each other. She’s on the other end of the research spectrum from me. Orcas. Why?”

Sato gestured with his chin. “The young ones said she might be a good person for Meymey to talk to.”

Alec looked thoughtful. “About your little —” he glanced around — “spawning problem? I can’t think of anyone better. Orca population numbers is one of her areas of interest. I remember this one paper I read about how algae and?—”

Sato raised one webbed hand. “Yes, yes, but how do we find her?”

“Oh, look! He has webbed fingers. He must be a mermaid too.”

“Merman.”

“Aren’t they like really super rare? Even more so than mermaids?”

“There are fewer of them, I think, but they walk among humans more often.”

“Do they really? I’ve never heard of that.”

“Well, do you read up on merfolk?”

“Not regularly, why would I?”

“Exactly. Well, I do. I’m a big fan. Just look at them.”

A handsome young scientist with aggressive eyebrows and a reluctant ponytail came over at that point. He seemed quite focused on Sato but he spoke to Alec.

“Frederiksen. I noticed that you had a white paper on the program for today.”

“Madible. How nice to see you again. Yes, I do. Honored, of course. Are you presenting this year as well?”

“Not this year. Are these friends of yours?”

Alec gave a big sigh. “Of a sort.”

“Oh, right! You’re something supernatural yourself, aren’t you?”

“I don’t really talk about it in this context. But yes, Canus lupus sapiens.”

“And these are colleagues of your lupine self?” The man’s interested gaze swept the mermaids and then came back to focus on Sato.

“I suppose you could put it that way. They’re in-laws – of a kind.”

Was that how the Alpha thought of them? Interesting.

“Would you introduce me?” asked the newcomer.

“Are you sure?”

The man looked startled.

Alec explained, “They will target you.”

“Will they, indeed? How novel. But you know I’m more interested in facts than figures, so to speak.”

Alec tilted his head. “I didn’t know you were gay.”

“Ace, actually. So who’s this?”

Alec said, “Sato Daiki, this is Doctor Madible. Madible, meet Sato.”

Sato shook hands with Professor Eyebrows. The human kept his grip tight, bringing Sato’s hand up so he could look at the finger webbing. “Remarkable. And you have gills in water?”

“Yes.” Sato extracted his hand with brute strength. The man looked both put out and impressed.

“But she’s in her mer-form and not suffocating?” Madible gestured at Rilian, who was still in tail. Although someone had brought a mound of those horrible brown napkin things from the restroom. The other mermaids were attempting to blot her dry. Attempting being the operative word.

Regardless, any second now she’d be dry enough to don legs. Sato suspected she was enjoying the attention or she’d have already forced the shift herself. They could all do it. It just took extra effort when very damp. Plus Rilian, like most merfolk, was proud of her tail – a spectacular iridescent teal color. Since they’d been outed, she might as well show it off.

Sato wasn’t one to make small talk or give away information to strange scientists with sharp eyes, no matter how impressive his eyebrows. “As you see, not suffocating.”

“I guess the merfolk are about as forthcoming as most shifters,” replied the scientist.

Sato inclined his head.

Alec asked, “Have you seen Luckie yet? She’s on the program but hasn’t shown up.”

“Yes, I saw her at breakfast. Impossible woman.”

“Know how to get hold of her?”

The man’s lip curled. “Certainly not. Say something insulting about killer whales, though, and…”

Alec said, quite loudly. “No, I actually do think orcas are a kind of shark.”

“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, FREDERIKSEN?” It wasn’t werewolf VOICE, but it was as close as Sato had ever gotten to hearing that tone out of a human mouth.

“Like summoning a demon,” said Madible. “One must simply use the appropriate invocation.”

Meymey bumped up against Sato’s side and entered back into the conversation. “Do demons regularly attend marine biology conferences?”

“Just me,” said the owner of the powerful voice. Who was clearly entirely human, just feared by many.

Alec said, “Ah, good, Luckie. We were hoping you’d show up.”

The crowd around them began backing away.

Sato heard one of the outside commentators say, “Professor Luckie would appear to be our ambassador of choice. Worst possible option. She’ll cause an interspecies incident.”

“Too late now.”

Professor Luckie proved to be a stocky human with a powerful frame, short spiked green hair, and lots of silver jewelry piercing various parts of her face. She was wearing some kind of suit, but with lots of dangling strappy bits and very large shoes.

She looked like she belonged to one of the louder tribes of music-humans. Out of place among the biologists.

Sato felt Meymey tense against him and looked down at her curiously. She was staring at the newcomer with an expression he’d only ever seen when a mermaid was focused on hunting. He’d never seen that hungry look on his sister’s face.

Interesting.

“You’re insane, Frederiksen. No one is ever hoping I’ll show up.” The female’s booming voice was a little husky. “Did you bring that mermaid with you to the conference this year?”

“Indeed.” Alec was calm and sanguine.

“I love a man who knows how to accessorize properly.” Luckie looked at the pod with great interest. Sato felt her gaze assess him, find him wanting, move on.

Meymey said, stepping forward and trying to sound confident, “I’m the one in charge.”

The professor met Meymey’s hot gaze and instantly moved into her personal space. Counterpoint hunting behavior.

Even more interesting.

Sato didn’t mind; it put the cetologist within easy reach of his spurs.

Meymey blushed as red as a sea star.

Sato hadn’t known his sister could blush in her human form.

Meymey tentatively stuck out a hand, prepared to engage in the human ritual of the shake .

The orca specialist took that hand gently in both of hers, glanced down at the webbing, then raised it to her lips.

Interesting gesture. Sato wondered if he should try that on Patrick. His otter would probably find it terribly confusing. Or worse, laugh at him. But Sato liked the ritual feel of it.

Meymey went even redder.

“Nice to meet you, gorgeous merwoman in charge.”

Alec snorted. “Are you being nice , Luckie?”

“There’s a first for everything,” agreed Madible.

“Actually I think she’s flirting ,” said Alec.

“Gross,” said Madible.

Professor Luckie ignored them.

His sister leaned forward to lower the neckline of her blouse. “I understand, as you are an orca specialist, that we could really use your assistance and the benefit of your expertise.” She chose her words carefully and batted her eyelashes hopefully. “Would you help us – me – please?”

“Nothing could make me happier. Anything to distract from this pustule of a conference and the ever-present nincompoops pretending to be my intellectual equals.”

Alec and Madible exchanged long-suffering looks.

Sato knew that werewolves and other land shifters regularly engaged in pissing contests, both literally and figuratively – he hadn’t realized scientists did the same.

“Would you like to step outside and talk privately?” suggested Professor Luckie.

Meymey’s eyes shone. “I would love that!”

Luckie placed a solicitous hand to the small of his sister’s back and began ushering her toward one of the side exits.

Sato trailed after.

The crowd parted before them.

Professor Luckie noticed Sato, although Meymey did not. “Did I stutter when I said privately ?” she asked him, chin up.

“Where she goes, I go.”

The scientist looked suddenly upset and let go of his sister. “Your significant other?” she asked Meymey.

“My vangill,” replied Meymey, and then remembering she spoke with a human who would not know the word, added, “My brother.”

“Brother? Biological brother?” the professor swooped back in.

“Brother from the same mother.”

“His presence will make it harder to flirt.”

“You’re gonna flirt with me?” Meymey was clearly delighted.

“I thought I had been. You’re especially adorable, did you know that?” She held the door for Meymey to go through, not Sato.

Meymey put a hand to her throat. “Am I?”

Sato said, “As awe-inspiring and amusing as this is, Paralia, I must remind you that the purpose of our visit is, in fact, not flirting.” He paused. “Well, not just flirting.”

“ Paralia . Pretty. Is that your name?” asked Professor Luckie.

“It is my title. I am the Paralia of All Seas, one of the five Soteria of the Deep.”

“Royalty?” Professor Luckie was understandably confused.

“More like a type of leader.”

“You’re the matriarch of your pod?”

Meymey hedged. “Sort of.”

Sato interjected, because he was, in his way, proud of his little sister. “More like a matriarch of the whole ocean.”

“You’re one of the rulers of the mermaids?” For the first time Professor Luckie actually looked shaken.

Meymey hastened to add with false modesty, “It’s not that big a deal.”

Sato let himself heave a huge sigh. They were outside, the sea breeze and salt smells were all around them. Calling him to swim. Swim across the bay to Patrick. Could they get on with it? He wanted to see his otter shifter, not hang out watching his sister toy awkwardly with a green-haired orca specialist. “Meymey, ask the expert your questions.”

“ Meymey , is that your name, then?”

“Just Mey. He’s my brother, you know. It’s a special name we use just for family.”

“Very well then, beautiful powerful Mey, how can this one academic be of service to the merfolk?”

Meymey blushed again. “We have a problem and could use your help.”

“Delighted, what’s the problem?”

Meymey’s tone lowered. “It’s a fertility problem.”

“I mean, I’m willing to try as much as you would like, darling, but strap-ons only go so far. Although, once we’ve moved in together, there’s always adoption or IVF to consider.”

Meymey smiled, confused into silence.

“I was flirting again, sweetheart. You’re too cute when you’re confused. What’s the merfolk version of a U-haul? A tugboat?”

Blink blink blink went Meymey.

The professor smiled indulgently. “Please explain how your fertility issue is manifesting and the cause.”

“You may know that mermaids have to procreate with human males, on land? But over the years we have been able to produce fewer and fewer viable offspring, and the percentage is more likely to be male. They used to number less than ten percent.”

“Lower population numbers are a concern, but skewing male, when there was a deficit in the past, that I don’t understand. Shouldn’t you want closer to fifty-percent for species viability?”

“Males are useless to us.”

“Well, of course they are, honey, but what do you mean exactly?”

“Most mermen are sterile,” explained Sato, because his sister was only getting more flustered.

“How interesting. All of them?”

“No, some are potent, like my vangill here.”

“He can produce children with mermaids regularly?”

“Well, he could! He just chooses not to.”

Professor Luckie turned to stare at Sato for a long moment. “What’s up with you then, if not your dick?”

Sato squinted at her. “I assure you it functions well enough.” He considered Patrick’s complaining and funny walk that morning. “Sometimes to excess.”

Meymey made a face.

Sato sighed again. “I’m not into women.”

“Madness,” said the biologist, without missing a beat.

Somehow Sato knew she’d say that.

Professor Luckie returned all her attention to Meymey. “Has the sterility amongst mermen also gone up?”

Meymey frowned. “We don’t really sing a record of mermen or vangill. They’re not considered all that important.”

“So you don’t know if there have been fewer and fewer vangill born over the years?”

Sato said, “There have.”

Meymey looked confused. “How would you know?”

Sato had no idea. “I think the Navarch said something about it at some point during training. He would know.”

“I forgot about him. Should I summon him?”

Sato was about to say that likely wasn’t necessary and then he remembered he’d once made a promise. He bet Patrick could get the Navarch laid in San Francisco.

“Yes, summon him.”

Meymey fluttered her hands, agreeing.

“So you don’t know much about the masculine side of your own procreative process?” Professor Luckie sucked in around her teeth. “I know it can be difficult to find the penis interesting or important, but unfortunately it is necessary for producing children, at least, in some capacity or another. We need to know whether your decrease in population numbers has to do with something impacting sperm production or egg production, or the process of fertilization, or fetal viability, or something else I haven’t thought of. Things like pollutants and global warming can impact sperm count in particular, but if most of your children are the result of breeding with humans, then there is likely something else in play.”

“How do we find out?” asked Meymey.

“I’m afraid that will require lots of tests and most likely human fertility experts. Data analysts. That kind of thing. If you’re mostly fucking human males, then the scientists who study human fertility will know the most about such things.”

“Not marine biologists? Or—” Meymey grappled to remember the word, “—cetologists like yourself?”

“Sadly, no. But I am absolutely going to help you sort out this problem. No matter how long it takes.” Professor Luckie looked like she relished the idea and was making a sacred vow. “You know, those who breed dolphins in captivity use fertility technology developed for humans. I do have some passing familiarity with the technique. And, of course, there’re all my lesbian friends.”

“Huh?”

“I’m saying I know quite a bit about IVF, sweetheart.”

Meymey leaned in, focused. “Oh, good. IVF?”

“In vitro fertilization?”

“Come again?”

“Later, honey. As many times as you like.”

Sato shifted from foot to foot. “Yes, but is there no immediate solution?”

Professor Luckie glanced at him, clearly annoyed. “To your fertility problem?” She turned quickly back to Meymey. “You say the ones who are like your brother here, these vangill , they’re reliably fertile?”

“Predictably so.”

“Are there not enough of them to go around?”

Sato wrinkled his nose.

“They do their best. Except my brother, of course.”

“Yes, yes, he’s gay. Doesn’t mean you can’t use his sperm. I mean, not you yourself , of course, because gross, siblings, but others who are not related to you by blood.”

“Didn’t you say the penis had to be involved?” Meymey leaned forward.

“Ah yes, I did, for my sins. But it doesn’t have to be intimately involved. Plus you said some humans are viable too? How about looking for commonalities by comparing his sperm with that of effective human sperm from previous successful baby daddies.”

“Sires,” corrected Sato.

“Thank you, sires . Then you might be able to determine what causes fertilization in mermaids. Most likely latent carriers of the triple helix. I think I read about some fertility clinic doing experimental work to test for that. The land shifters were not best pleased . But if you could source human men who had the right genes, as well as using your vangill, you’d stand more of a chance of viable pregnancies. And,” she winked, “you wouldn’t have to actually fuck them.”

Meymey’s face went through several emotions all at once – pleasure, excitement, relief.

Sato said, “And I wouldn’t have to fuck mermaids?”

“Exactly.”

“Fertility clinics, you say? Human ones?” What a blow to mermaid pride. Sato was amused that the solution to the merfolk’s fertility problem, at least at the start, was sourced among the humans. Who, so far as he could tell, never had any issues procreating. The land was so overrun with them, they took to the oceans regularly to fuck things up there, too.

“I’m afraid so. You’d have to work with us. But I know an excellent clinic on the Peninsula. My friend Bethany and her wife used it. I understand pipettes were involved. They have adorable twins now.”

“Twins, you say?” Meymey’s eyes shone with interest.

“It won’t be cheap, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, we have plenty of human money. That’s not a concern.”

“You’re rich, princess? Did I find myself a sugar mama? I’m a poor lowly academic, Paralia of All Seas, but I promise to help as much as I can. And in any way possible.”

“Call me Meymey.”

“Meymey, beautiful, have I mentioned recently that I’m a dab hand with a pipette?”

Sato said, “Before this gets out of control, can I ask, Professor Luckie, if you’re based out of this bay area?”

“Oh yes. Stanford.”

Sato grinned. “Welcome to the family.”

She had no idea what she was in for. But Meymey had clearly just had a very successful hunt. This was gonna be fun.

And, unless he missed his guess, Meymey and her diplomatic pod were about to take up semi-permanent residence in the San Francisco Bay.

“Good, that’s settled. Now, lovely Meymey, have you ever heard of the 1980s teenage orca fad for wearing dead salmon on their heads? Very fashion forward.”

Meymey giggled. “Lately I’ve been hearing that their latest quirk is capsizing yachts.”

“Yes, the sea creature version of cow-tipping. You know, among my particular group of friends we used to joke about my salmon being pinker than yours .”

“And what does that mean?” Meymey giggled again. Sato was faintly revolted.

“Well, sweetheart, maybe tonight we can meet at this charming little seafood place I love, without your brother around, and I will tell you all about it.”

Meymey’s eyes were huge. “I would like that.”

Alec materialized from the convention center at that juncture. Sato suspected they’d been under observation through the glass doors all along.

“Where’d you come from?” asked Professor Luckie, annoyed.

“I’m presenting in half an hour.” Alec turned to Meymey. “You good now, Paralia? Problem solved?”

“I think we have made extremely promising progress,” said Meymey.

“Really?” Alec looked like he hadn’t actually expected that.

“You doubted me, Frederiksen?”

“Never that, Luckie.” Alec’s quick eyes caught his colleague’s solicitous hand at Meymey’s back and her care in helping the mermaid negotiate stairs and confusing glass doors back into the building.

He looked at Sato.

Sato nodded.

“Really?”

Sato nodded again.

“No accounting for taste,” said Alec, with feeling.

They rejoined the pod and pack. Sato said, because someone had to explain for the poor wolves, “Apparently something called IVF and a pipette is the answer.”

That didn’t seem to help. The boys mostly remained confused.

“Sperm banks?” suggested Tank, tentatively.

Cascade said, “Like a sperm whale on a sandbank?”

“Or like offshore accounts?”

“Now you’ve confused them.” Luckie gave Sato a conspiratorial look.

Alec, being a biologist and all, attempted to explain. “Ah, no. Basically the humans have this system where they collect sperm and then use a turkey baster tool to put it inside, oh dear,” he blushed very red, “ugh, lady-parts. And then… voi-la, babies.”

“Nice try, gay boy,” said Professor Luckie, clearly amused.

Sato decided he liked her.

“Why bring turkeys into it? Aren’t they huge, flightless birds? Why are they getting involved? They aren’t land shifters, are they?” wondered Aqua.

“This sounds like the stories we tell merbabies about pelicans bringing them.” The mermaids were off again, chattering about inane things.

Sato sighed. Why were they still here? They had the solution, didn’t they? Couldn’t they leave now?

“I think you mean storks,” said Kevin.

“No, I believe storks are for human babies. Pelicans are for merfolk,” Judd explained.

“What’s with all the birds all of a sudden?”

Cascade suddenly said, “Wait. Are you telling me the humans have a technology for impregnation without sex?”

“Yes,” said Alec, obviously relieved that someone understood.

She pointed at Sato. “With his sperm, if we wanted?”

Alec looked at Sato. “You’d be willing?”

“In theory,” replied Sato, carefully.

Judd said, “I’m sure Trick would be willing to help you with the sperm collection part of the equation.”

Sato was interested all of a sudden. “Is that an option?”

Alec interrupted them. “Before I go sing for my professional supper, a quick question for you, Professor Luckie.”

The professor turned in clear exasperation, dragging her attention away from Meymey. “Yes?”

“Are you in town next weekend?”

“I am.”

“It’s full moon.”

“Oh?”

“Ah, right, why would you care? It means that Sunday we’re having a barbecue at my place in Sausalito. Come visit. I’m certain at least some of the merfolk will be in attendance. Especially now.”

Professor Luckie looked both shocked and pleased. “You’re inviting me to your home ?”

“It’s potluck.”

“I’ll bring seafood kebabs for the grill.”

“You do that. Two p.m.?”

“Done.” Luckie immediately returned all her attention to Meymey.

Alec sighed and then looked pointedly at Sato. “Ms Trickle is gonna have a field day with this. I bet she knows Luckie already. It’s always like that with the power lesbians.”

“A new kind of supernatural creature?” wondered Sato.

“Exactly,” said Alec.