Chapter Twenty-Two

" W ho knows, Aonghas," Raina asked, "when next we'll have an opportunity to visit the beach? It might be months again before the weather gives us such a fine day."

Looking decidedly uncomfortable, Aonghas shook his head. "I have to put my foot down, milady," he said, though he sounded more apologetic than confident. "Aye, ye said ye'll use the far path, where the decline is gentler, but I dinna ken ye should be traipsing through the woods and the dunes, which may verra well be covered in ice."

Raina winced, sorry to inform him, "I appreciate your concern but I'm going, and since I don't suspect you will use force to prevent me, I suggest you retrieve your heavier cloak to stand against the wind."

Aonghas sighed, defeated. "Fine. But wait here, will ye? I'll nae ever speak to ye again if ye set off without me."

Raina smiled but only a little bit. "As I would not risk such a thing, I will await your return."

Aonghas exited the hall and Raina turned at the sound of chuckling behind her.

Peigi approached, wiping her hands on her apron. "Sure and ye keep him on his toes."

Raina shrugged, donning the cloak she'd brought down with her. "I didn't ask him to be my keeper." But then, she was still a wee bit hesitant about going anywhere outside the keep by herself.

"Dinna need to," Peigi replied. "He and Uilleam have made ye their life's work."

The housekeeper stopped a few feet in front of Raina and plopped her hands on her hips, which informed Raina a grousing was forthcoming.

"Milady, I dinna ken how much more I can take," Peigi began. "I dinna ken Nell will work out in the kitchen—or anywhere near me for that matter. Christ, and her bairns, with their brooding gazes, always lurking underfoot, never speaking—it ain't right, something's wrong with those two."

Raina bit back a smile. While she hadn't expected that Nell's transition from fisher to house servant would progress seamlessly, she still believed this was a better circumstance for her. To Nell's credit, she'd swallowed her pride and had approached Raina—with a mended though still limping Samuel by her side—to request a position inside the hall, as Raina had once offered. Citing the winter weather, much harsher upon the beach itself and her lads' threadbare garb, and wearing a grim expression, as if she expected to be denied, Nell had asked if the offer still stood. Raina had been happy to comply.

"Her lads are shy," Raina said now to Peigi. "Nell's husband was heavy-handed, if you recall. They simply need time to understand that there is no danger and that not every man will speak with his fists."

"Aye, and to that, Cook's barking is nae helping. The weans jump and cry every time Cook opens his mouth. "

"Hm. I didn't think of that," Raina admitted. "Let me give it some thought. I'm sure we can find a different position and circumstance for Nell that better suits her...special needs."

"What would suit, milady, is if she'd close her trap for at least five minutes every hour. Saints in heaven, but she dinna shut up. All day long with her blathering. I canna take it, find myself avoiding the kitchen and my own duties."

"All right. I'll think of something today and we'll move her out of the kitchen." She retrieved her basket from where it sat on one of the trestle tables, having some idea that she might collect seaweed for either the apothecary or the kitchen, and mayhap some nettles if she found them.

"I ken same as ye, she had nae business down there on the beach, nae with her bairns hanging on her skirts—nae place for them so small—but she dinna fit in the kitchen, milady. Too disruptive."

"Understood," said Raina, supposing Nell might be better suited to house maid than kitchen chores.

Aonghas returned then and Peigi waved her away. "Go on with ye then, though I dinna ken what fancy strikes ye, wanting to be down on the beach yerself."

"There's beauty and glory and peace down there, Peigi," Raina called over her shoulder as she followed Aonghas to the door. "You should try it sometime."

Peigi's response chased Raina from the keep. "As if I've got time for that!"

"Prickly one, innit she?" Aonghas commented.

Raina chuckled, drawing her hood close; though the sky was clear, and the sun was fine, the wind was a wee bit dastardly. " Nell is prickly," Raina corrected. " Peigi is...she's simply bossy."

"Should've been an army commander," Aonghas supposed.

"Imagine coming up against Peigi MacGregor and her army on the field."

"I'd run the other way, milady."

Raina chuckled. "Me, too."

Raina's cloak billowed about her as they walked, turning right beyond the gate to pursue the northern trail. Before they entered the trees she gladly tipped her face up to the sun, her cheeks warmed despite the wild breeze.

Raina felt the familiar surge of tranquility as the sound of waves crashing against the shore filled the air. At the top of the slope, just above the dunes, she paused to take in the scene, the sea's vast expanse meeting the horizon, the crisp air invigorating her.

"There's something restorative about the sea," she mused aloud.

"But nae quiet," he called loudly as they descended, to be heard above the sea's roar.

Upon the beach eventually, Raina strolled just above the mark of the furthest-reaching wave, bending and collecting the kelp, which lay in abundance along the shore. The strands were slick and cold to the touch, and bending was not so easy these days, making the process slow.

Aonghas idled about, occasionally picking up a stone and tossing it into the waves or poking at interesting shells with his boot. It had taken weeks and weeks, but she'd finally gotten through to him that she was expecting a child, but was not an invalid, which she supposed accounted for his ability today to leave her to her own devices, not jumping to help with every little task .

Her eyes lit up when she spotted a patch of sea fennel. "Fortune favors us today, Aonghas," she called out, holding up the bunch of green, waxy leaves.

He glanced back at her. "Ye've an eye for treasures, milady." The wind tugged at his cloak, but he seemed content to let it play its mischief.

Before Raina removed her gaze from him, she saw his smile fade, replaced by a gaping mouth as he stared beyond her, higher, beyond the dunes by which they'd come.

Raina whirled around, her cloak blown all in front of her.

And her breath caught in her throat at the sight.

Torsten had returned, and stood now, a solitary figure upon the low cliff, bathed in winter's bright sunlight. His silhouette was striking against the clear blue sky, his broad shoulders and tall frame commanding attention. The wind tugged at his dark cloak, revealing the glint of his armor beneath. His hair, longer than when he'd left, was tousled by the breeze, and his eyes seemed to be fixed directly upon her.

For a moment, he seemed almost otherworldly, like a hero from the old legends, returned from battle to claim his place once more. Raina felt a surge of emotion, a mix of relief, joy, and something deeper, something she'd adamantly refused to acknowledge during his absence.

He began his descent, jogging easily down the winding path, and Raina briefly lunged, overwhelmed by a desire, an instinctive want, to run into his arms. She caught herself before she'd taken more than one step and stood still, her pulse pounding, swallowing a sudden dryness in her throat.

Torsten was home , her heart screamed .

Torsten was here , she amended, but this was not his home , she reminded herself.

I am not his home , came to her as a mournful dirge.

He didn't slow upon the level beach but continued to jog toward her, giving Raina pause as it seemed he was...happy to see her?

Oh, but his face was so beloved, she thrilled, leaner and paler than she recalled but handsome all the same. His blue eyes pierced her across the lessening distance. Though no grand and delighted smile creased his face, there was an ease about him. His lips parted, teasing a small smile, anyway.

Her cloak was the first thing he met, fluttering forward at the wind's insistence, and he didn't stop but took her face in his hands and kissed her with an inexplicable wild urgency.

Against all her better judgement and while tears of gladness formed behind her closed eyes, and though her response was tepid at best, wary, Raina melted against him as he pulled her closer.

He stopped abruptly, pulling back, wearing a startled expression as he glanced down between them, his eyes lighting on what her billowing cloak had concealed, her rounded belly.

Torsten's entire broad and imposing frame seemed to soften as he gazed at Raina's expanding middle, his usual brooding expression replaced by one of awe and wonder. His brows, typically furrowed with the weight of command or his infamous impatience, now lifted slightly in surprise. The lines around his eyes softened, and his lips, which often wore a serious or stern demeanor, parted slightly in amazement .

Raina was startled and then somewhat gratified by the emotions displayed, shock and disbelief overcome by what seemed a slow-dawning joy.

Torsten met her gaze. "Raina?"

She nodded and hadn't the power to refuse the smile that came. "Yes. Mayhap in the beginning of June the babe will come."

And Torsten smiled and kissed her again, conscious now of the bump between them, his kiss gentler by far than the hungry one that had greeted her.

Frankly, though, she didn't understand what was happening, why he was being so...warm, so loving.

Why he was smiling when he'd shown them so rarely, when he'd never not once expressed any desire for a child, but only in the making of it all those months ago.

Aonghas, having allowed them a moment of privacy for their reunion, showed himself now.

"Christ and are ye nae a sight!" He exclaimed. "Brought the whole troop with ye?"

Torsten disconnected himself from Raina, his smile intact as he greeted Aonghas, the two men clasping forearms and bumping shoulders.

"Aye, all of us home," Torsten said, sadly having to qualify his response with, "save those few lost over the winter."

He mentioned a few names, men and lads that Raina did not know well, and she felt poorly for being thankful that Gilles, Rory, James, and others she knew better were not among those listed.

"Go on then, will ye?" Torsten asked politely. "And give me a moment with my wife. I'll talk to ye later, as I mean to give ye grief for allowing her down here in her—"

"Don't you dare reprimand Aonghas," she interjected with no small amount of censure. "He's been my loyal friend and guard for more than five months. He's been relentless, almost annoyingly so—and Uilleam as well—scarcely letting me feed myself, hoping to avoid the danger of a spoon and God-knows-what misfortune." She lowered her voice, compelled to disclose, sheepishly, "And today, he was rather coerced against his will, I have to admit."

"Fair enough," Torsten allowed, his grin returned. He patted Aonghas on the shoulder. "Spared the reprimand, my friend."

Aonghas chuckled and meandered away.

Torsten returned his attention to Raina, reaching for her hand.

She stiffened and held her ground while he tried to draw her forward.

"Kiss me, Raina," said Torsten. "Kiss me like ye once did, with hope in yer heart."

Bewildered, unsure who this man was and what he'd done with her real husband, Raina gawked without an ounce of cleverness at him.

"Nae arrested in surprise at my return," he cajoled, "or with some small gladness that I live. Kiss me as if ye love me."

Her eyes widened in furious alarm.

Ooh, she was angry. Why was he doing this to her!

Slowly, she began to shake her head. She tugged to have her hand returned.

No! He was not allowed to do this. She would not let him.

"I should—" she began breathlessly, her words nearly lost in the wind .

"Ye should kiss me again. Unless ye mean to tell me everything I need to ken about the babe, the pregnancy. Are ye well? Ye look radiant, but I ken a sickness sometimes—"

"I'm fine," she stated starkly, her brows drawing together. Her pregnancy was, by Peigi's assessment, relatively easy. The upset morning stomach hadn't visited her in several months, she knew no pain or cramping, and aside from just recently beginning to struggle to get comfortable in bed, she couldn't honestly say she had any complaints. She didn't tell Torsten this, though. "It's been uneventful...normal, according to Peigi. There's nothing to tell."

"I want to be a part of this, Raina," he said. "?Tis our child ye carry. I want to go through this with ye. Why do ye shut me out?"

Raina stared at him, the blazing pain in her eyes asking him without words how he could dare to ask her that, after he'd done the same.

"I am in love with ye, Raina," he confessed, as easily as if he'd only announced the sky was cloudless today. "Surely... surely that must count for something."

And the surprises continued relentlessly! Raina was sure she appeared as a fish caught in the net, gaping and gasping.

"I-It would," she stammered before indignation hardened her voice, "but only if I believed it would remain true on the morrow, or next week or next month." She snapped her lips closed then.

Shock aside, she was imbued with sadness, for having to rebuff a seemingly earnest Torsten, for being too afraid to even pretend that he meant it, that he might love her.

Oh, but if he did... !

"Raina—" he began again.

"You say this today," she cut in, lifting her chin, "and what of tomorrow? How will you feel then?"

"A fair question, considering my behavior. And aye, I freely admit, I was an eejit. Gilles and the king confirmed it. But Raina, hear me, see me, listen to yer own heart. Forget even that ye want it to be true, just ken that it is."

Her eyes grew even larger. "My God..." she began, but had no words, stuck on that part that seemed to suggest that he'd discussed their personal affairs with—never mind Gilles, but the king!

She was quiet for a moment, her mind churning with both joyous possibilities and tremendous doubt. "My mother used to say that dreams never die natural deaths. I did have hope, Torsten, hope that you crafted, but which you also shattered." He nodded, apparently willing to accept his culpability. "I...in truth, I want to seize on this, to believe you...but I'm afraid to trust you again, Torsten."

"Aye, I imagine ye are." He ignored her protest and her rigidity and stepped forward to claim her lips again. His kiss mirrored those of her dreams, tender and ardent at the same time. "But love me, Raina," he said against her lips, "and let me love ye. I vow from this day forward, ye will nae ever again have cause to doubt."

A war raged within, between her heart and mind, and Raina refused to respond.

Torsten sighed and distanced himself by several feet.

"I'm going about it all wrong, I ken," he said with apparent dissatisfaction in himself. "What do ye want me to say, Raina? I dinna ken the...right words. I'm nae guid with tender sentiment. I only ken what I feel—what frightened me, aye, but what I now am ready to embrace. But what do ye need to hear?" He asked, lifting his hands in a helpless gesture. "That I want ye with me all the time? Aye, I do, spring and summer, and in the dead of winter. That I need ye? Aye, same as roses need rain, as much as tides need the moon. That I dreamed of ye, of holding ye, loving ye? That, too. Raina, ye are the beat of my pulse, the—"

"You broke my heart, Torsten," she finally acknowledged, even though she hated the vulnerability of saying those words.

He nodded, scrunching up his nose and baring his teeth, as if he was shamed to be reminded of it. "And I canna promise I'll nae ever hurt ye again." He paused and sighed, searching for words to express himself. "Raina, I ken war. I understand how to train men and lead men, how to raise fine war horses, how to command. I ken strategy and odds and ugly politics and a ferocious want of freedom. That's all I ken. That's all I've ever kent. But I'd give every bit of knowledge, all of it, simply to ken how to convince ye of what's in my heart now."

She drank in the sight of him, still amazed that he stood before her, beautiful, beloved, so vital and vibrant even as he was vulnerable in a way she had never seen him.

Her heart warred with her head. She had every reason to doubt him, to shield herself from the pain he had caused. But as she looked into his eyes, she saw the raw honesty, the plea for forgiveness, and the deep longing that mirrored her own. Her breath hitched. Could she risk it? Could she open herself up to the possibility of being hurt again?

Yet, in the stillness of that moment, a realization began to take root. She had longed for this, dreamed of a love that was real and true. Here he was, offering it to her with all the uncertainty and messiness that came with it.

Raina's eyes softened as she felt the fragile buds of hope stirring once again within her. She had been so afraid, so guarded, but she knew—she'd known for some time—Torsten was her heart's desire. To reject him now, after he had bared his soul, would be to deny herself the very thing she yearned for.

"If you...if you are lying, if you start again with that coldness, that insufferable indifference, I vow to you, Torsten I'll take a blade to your—"

"I'll lend ye my sword and expose my neck if I do, lass." His voice was steady, and his eyes held hers with a promise she was beginning to feel deep in her soul.

There was one final obstacle. "I won't come to you. I—I just can't. I can't close the distance and simply...give in."

Torsten did though, closed the distance between them, his movements deliberate and filled with purpose. "Then I'll come to ye, love." His hands gently cradled her face, his touch warm and reassuring. "I will come to ye every day, every hour if need be. I'll prove myself to ye. I'll be there for ye, always."

The wind whipped around them, but in that moment, it felt as if they were in their own world, isolated from everything but each other. The sincerity in his voice, the earnestness in his eyes, and the gentle touch of his hands made her believe, for the first time, that maybe, just maybe, love might prevail.

Her lips trembled as her heart soared with hope.

"Ye want to say it," he guessed.

She nodded, fighting larger, happier tears. She was thrilled to lose the fight. "I am so in love with you."

Torsten pulled her closer, his strong arms circling her. He kissed the top of her hair. "That's all I need, love. That's everything."