Chapter 15

Jaegar

WHEN I TRIED TO GET out of bed, Vanya didn’t want me to get up, but I had to. “Let me just feed the fire. I’ll come back straight away, and it’ll heat the place up. I promise.”

She nodded but didn’t speak as she slid off my chest.

I tried not to worry, but something was wrong with her. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I rushed over to the fireplace and placed two more heavy, dry logs on the dwindling fire. The flames flickered around the wood hungrily, and I made my way back to the bed. The fire wasn’t making much of an impact yet, but it would.

I climbed back under the covers and sat up against the headboard I’d made years ago.

Vanya immediately clambered back into my lap like a child, curling up into a small ball, and shivering against me.

I gathered the blankets around her once more and wrapped her up in my arms. I’d made a mistake bringing Vanya here. I saw that now. It wasn’t even the middle of winter, and yet the chill of our kingdom was obviously far too much for her. I had to get her clothes that would suit her and help make her comfortable.

I needed her to get to know me properly. She was my fated mate, which meant I was meant to marry her, have children with her, and love her forever. But only if she knew who I really was. Not the princely facade Queen Cass draped me in.

The poor bastard side of me. The real me.

“Are you warm enough yet?” I asked her, kissing her on the head. “I might get dressed and go get you some appropriate clothes.”

She looked up, her heart in her eyes. “Can we go to the castle?” she pleaded. “Veronica’s clothes might fit me.”

I didn’t want to go to the castle, nor take other princesses’ clothes to dress my mate, but Vanya looked truly miserable—so I gave in. “Of course,” I said, managing to extricate myself from her clinging arms, and went straight to my dresser drawers. “But I’ll have to get you a coat and some boots so we can make our way up to the castle.” I had to get her a full outfit, obviously. The castle was probably an hour’s walk from my home, and she wasn’t going to make it without warmer attire.

“I can shift and fly up,” she offered by way of an alternative option, looking relieved and hopeful for the first time since our arrival.

I clenched my teeth, stopping myself from immediately responding. “I can’t shift again,” I said through my teeth as calmly as I could. “I’m too tired. I’m not used to it.”

“But I’m not,” Vanya offered. “I could shift, and go get the clothes, then come back. Would that work?”

I bristled in annoyance. I wanted to yell from the depths of my chest.

No! It won’t work.

It was just another nail in the coffin of our burgeoning bond, further proof that Vanya would never survive in my world.

Maybe fate does make mistakes.

I tried one more time. “Dymitri’s house isn’t far. He has daughters about your size. I could go and borrow some of their things for the journey.”

Her shoulders fell, and she looked utterly crestfallen, but she nodded, resigned. “Yeah, okay. I suppose that’s a good compromise.”

Relieved that she wouldn’t be flying off to the castle without me, I tugged on my clothes, adding an extra thin layer under my shirt in case I’d gone soft after being in the South. “I won’t be long,” I told her, rushing forward to kiss her pouting lips. The room was heating up, and the fire was beginning to truly blaze. “Stay here. The fire should last until I get back. Try to stay warm.”

I went to the door, gave her one more smile and headed out into the cold. The temperature had dropped, even though it was barely lunchtime. Storm clouds gathered overhead, and I could smell the snow on the wind coming our way.

Great.

We weren’t leaving the house today no matter what clothes I brought her. Vanya wouldn’t venture out in this kind of weather.

I went straight to Dymitri’s house, and his daughter, Matilda, was there darning some socks and baby clothes.

“Hey Jaegar,” she called out, waving me inside. “Come on in. What can I help you with?”

“Ah... your warmest clothes,” I said, with an awkward shrug. “Or something of your sister’s maybe?”

Matilda raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest with a chuckle. “I don’t think my dresses are going to fit you, Jaegar.”

I rolled my eyes at her ridiculous sense of humor. “It’s for Vanya .”

Matilda’s eyes widened. “The princess from Bravadok?”

I nodded, immediately feeling like I was drowning. “Yeah. She came back with me and she’s freezing.”

Matilda tilted her head, her assessing gaze narrowing on me. “She came back with you? Why?”

I huffed and refused to answer her question. “Can you just help me? Please?”

She squinted at me, then sighed. “You know, you really need to just... share your feelings with people. Open up a bit. You’re so much like my dad.” Then she turned away and walked into one of the bedrooms.

I waited for a few moments, looking around at Dymitri and Sarah’s beautiful home. It was small like all the homes in town, though it was probably three times the size of my own. The inside was well made, and the furnishings were brightly colored.

The contrast to my own little house was quite stark and confronting, and I was struck with the inexplicable desire to do some renovations on my mother’s home. The insulation needed to be replaced, as did the front door. It was so warm in here by comparison, and I knew that Vanya would have been so much happier to have come back to a house like this.

It wasn’t a palace, or even an extravagant house, but it was beautiful and comfortable. It had the feeling of a real home.

“Here you go,” Matilda said, bustling back into the living area, her arms full of clothes. “If I remember correctly, Vanya is super skinny, so she’ll need lots of layers. And here’re my boots too.” She handed everything over and stepped back to grab some socks.

I couldn’t express the amount of gratitude I felt in my heart in that moment. “Thanks, Tilly. This means a lot.”

She rolled her eyes at me this time. “Go on.”

I rushed back to my house, noticing, not for the first time, the cracks in the front door and the missing sections of the thatched roof. For someone who’d been so desperately hoping to find his fated mate soon, I certainly hadn’t done a great job of feathering my nest.

That needs to change, and soon.

I knocked once, then pushed open the door. “I’m back.”

Vanya had moved over to the couch. She was still wrapped in many blankets, but she was closer to the fire and her pale skin had a hint of pink now. “Hey,” she said, smiling softly.

I held out all the clothes I’d gathered. “Here you go. There’s lots of layers so you’ll be warm.” I placed the clothes on the couch, then went back to the front door. There was a huge draft blowing through the cracks, which only added to the discomfort of the space.

What can I do to fix it on such short notice?

I went to the cupboard and grabbed an old wool blanket and a hammer. Once I found a couple of nails, I covered the door with the blanket and tacked it in place. Immediately the whistling of the wind through the door quieted. It was rudimentary at best, but it definitely helped a little. I turned back to face my mate and licked my lips, clearing my throat.

She was staring at me, unmoving.

I gestured to the door and heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry about the state of this place. It needs a little work.”

She nodded but didn’t say anything. She took some of the clothing into the blanket pile and began dressing within the folds of its warmth.

I missed seeing her naked beauty, but it was good to see her looking happier at least.

When she finally emerged from the blankets, she was wearing many layers, a long dress, leggings, and an overcoat. Still, she rushed for the fireplace to warm her hands like she was still suffering.

“How are you doing?” I asked, my heart aching in the strangest way.

“I’m a bit hungry,” she admitted with half a smile.

Shit.

“Okay, well, let me make us something. I’m sure I have some food in the fridge.” I managed to find some meat and vegetables and heated those up for us in a pot over the fire.

We ate in silence at the small table I’d grown up sitting at.

Vanya glanced around occasionally, but she was so hunched over, it was difficult to tell what she was taking in.

I cleared my throat with a rough cough. “Thank you for coming back with me.”

She nodded, then shivered again.

“You know,” I said, “If you want to go up to the castle after lunch. I’ll walk you up. Maybe I can show you some of the village on the way?”

Vanya’s head came up and her gorgeous dark eyes met with mine. “Really?” She sounded so hopeful.

I squashed any rising disappointment I felt, and instead injected a happy tone into my voice. “Of course! I wanted to show you the village and my house. So, one thing down, and then we can do the other on the way back to the castle.”

She immediately brightened, eating faster and smiling.

Meanwhile, my appetite was gone, so I just drank some water and watched her.

When she’d finished her lunch, she asked me some questions about my life. “So, you grew up here, right? Your whole life?”

I nodded. “Yeah, as far as I know.”

“And your mom?” she asked, gently this time. “She passed recently?”

“Yeah,” I answered, the familiar pain hitting me again. “It was a few months ago, but it feels like yesterday.”

“Is that why you sought out Uncle Damon?” she pressed.

I sighed and went to clean up our dishes. “Yeah... but that wasn’t totally my choice. My mom made me promise that I’d go and find him after she was gone, so I’d have a family. She was worried about me.”

I didn’t need to tell Vanya I’d been dreaming about her too. That—more than my promise to my mother—had been the driving force. That and Dymitri threatening to out me, of course.

“Why didn’t she want you to find Damon while she was alive?”

I ran a hand through my hair. “That’s not an easy thing to answer.”

Vanya turned toward me and waited. “Can you try? I’m not going anywhere.” But she was. She’d leave me today and never come back, that was obvious.

So, what did I have to lose by telling her the truth? “Well, my mother was proud.”

Vanya chuckled softly and reached across the table to touch my hand, the first sign of affection she’d shown me outside of her need to be warm. “Oh, I can’t imagine that,” she said with a grin.

I knew she was trying to tell me that I’d gotten it from somewhere, but I couldn’t smile or laugh. Talking about my mother hurt. It likely always would. “Mom wanted to tell the king about me, but she said that the whole kingdom was struggling to survive, and as they weren’t fated, she felt conflicted. And by the time I was old enough to want to know him, the king had already married Cass.”

Vanya nodded and waited.

I exhaled slowly and kept going with my tale. “I wanted to meet him, of course, but I... I don’t know—maybe it was pride, or ego, or something—but I didn’t want to just throw myself at him as if I were desperate. And I didn’t want my mother to ever think she wasn’t enough for me, because she was. She was a great mother.”

“Yeah... but surely she wouldn’t have felt rejected if you went looking for your father too?” Vanya asked, her eyebrows drawn together. “I mean... the bigger the family, the better. Right?”

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. My mom was my whole family, and she was enough.” I stood up, not wanting to talk about my mother anymore. Vanya would never understand what my mom had to do to survive. How hard she worked just to feed me, to keep us alive.

I’d gone to bed hungry for most of my childhood, knowing somewhere in the castle my sire was warm and fed. It still made me angry to think about it, even though my adult brain knew that the king would have helped us if he could. If he’d only known. And that our whole kingdom was grateful for how hard he’d worked to rebuild everything.

It didn’t make me feel any better though. I’d been unwanted then, and I was just as unwanted now. I forced a smile on my face. “Should we go?”

Vanya nodded and stood up, grabbing the boots Matilda had lent me and pulling them on. “Definitely! I can’t wait to be back inside the castle’s walls.” She headed for the door enthusiastically.

I tried not to show her how disappointed I was once more. She didn’t care for my heritage, my home, or my town. She was a princess, and no matter how much I wanted her to adjust to the North and accept my humble origins, it was clear that was never going to change.

She might have wanted to see my world, and I was grateful for that concession, but she just wasn’t built to survive this place, and I couldn’t blame her for missing what she was used to—just as I did.