Chapter Thirty-Six

King Vaxarion left the next morning, and my life as the King”s consort took shape. Things changed. I fully moved into the King”s tower. I took most meals with him. I slept and often bathed with him. My world was Shale.

A month passed in bliss. During the day, I worked in the garden. As soon as the sun set, I returned to the King”s tower where Shale and I would dress for dinner. But sometimes, Shale visited me during the day and helped me plant, trim, or lift anything heavy. He always seemed to know when I needed him. If something posed a problem and I found myself standing back, pondering it a while, he would appear. Like magic. I liked to think that we were becoming attuned to each other. I even thought I could sense when he needed me. There had been a few times when I got a strange urge to go to the tower in the middle of the day. He would be there every time, waiting for me, usually naked.

It had been the best month of my life. A month and five days, to be exact. Between Shale and his courtiers, I felt like royalty. My humanity ceased to be an issue. I was simply Master Sebastian, Consort to the King. Word spread through Enleran, and when I ventured into town for supplies, I received even better treatment than I did at the castle.

And I fell even deeper in love with Shale.

No previous love I”d felt for another compared to what I felt for Shale. Every day, I found something new about him to adore or admire, another reason to fall harder. And when he held me, I had to bite my tongue to keep from declaring my feelings. Shale had to know, had to see it. But he never spoke of it—not of my feelings or his. That was a subject we avoided. It had become a law for us.

But I was happy. He was happy.Staring at the completed garden, I knew it was enough. We could go on like that forever. As much forever as I got.

The gentle sound of bubbling water joined bright birdsong and the low humming of bees to create the most perfect music. Flowers perfumed the air with a hint of ripening fruit. Everything was flourishing. The beds overflowed in the proper ways, full of immaculately clipped and carefully selected plants. And through it all, the rays of the star fountain spread, delivering water to every part of the garden.

“You don”t need me anymore,” I whispered to the garden. “You”re gonna be fine with a few gardeners now. But I”ll check on you when I can.”

“Talking to the plants again?” Shale asked from behind me.

“I was just about to go looking for you.” I smiled to myself before I turned around. As I said, he seemed to know when I needed him.

Shale, dressed in turquoise and tan, lifted his brows as he stepped up beside me. “Is it done?”

“Yes.” I waved an arm out. “Would you care to tour the garden, Your Majesty?”

“I would indeed.” He held out his hand, and I took it.

Warm and strong, his grip was nonetheless soft, without the callouses my hands bore. Yes, even this thrilled me. Just holding Shale”s hand and walking through the garden with him. The garden I had brought back to its former glory for him. I watched his face instead of admiring the plants. I didn”t want to miss a single reaction.

Of course, Shale had seen the progression, so it wasn”t a big reveal. He didn”t gasp or exclaim at the beauty of the cherry blossoms or the shine on the freshly polished stone bench. His reactions were more subtle—a lifting of the corners of his mouth, crinkling around his eyes, a long stare. The last had me worried. Shale went still several times and just gazed at the garden. His hand clenched around mine and a little frown appeared on his face. But then he moved on.

It was my best work. I”d made sure of that for him. Every plant was placed to enhance the rest. The frothy, bright pink bouvania, puffing above the spikes of jacrus. Roses burst through fluffy mounds of pale green frasper. Hyacinth bloomed in thick columns around sprinkles of pink orchids. Tiers of plants kept the eye wandering, ever seeking something new. It was close to the original garden, but I added some extra touches just for Shale. Like the bower of wisteria near the back of the garden where he finally stopped. There was a bench but also a soft patch of grass there that would be the perfect place for a romantic, or lusty, encounter.

Pausing to brush his hand over a hanging clump of purple flowers, Shale said, “You”ve done a remarkable job, Sebastian. You should be very proud. Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure.”

Shale let go of my hand and turned around to face the star fountain. “Erelis would have been pleased. And I”m pleased to be able to honor her memory.”

“What was her favorite plant?”

The King blinked, frowned, then turned to look at me. “I can”t remember.” His gaze slid away. “I should remember that, shouldn”t I?”

“It”s been a very long time, Shale. Maybe instead of trying to remember, you should try to forget.”

His frown deepened.

“Not completely,” I hurried to say. “Just about the minor things. You don”t have to hoard the details of her life. They are as unimportant as the body she inhabited. They weren”t her.”

“But they are all I have left of her,” Shale whispered.

Oh, that cut deep. I don”t know why. Maybe because his mate had his love. Even now, in the hands of his god, it still belonged to Erelis. Never to me. Tears suddenly threatened to rise, but I blinked them back.

“Gods, I”m filthy,” I said. “I think I”ll head upstairs and bathe.”

I thought Shale might offer to go with me, but he only nodded. He didn”t say anything when I rushed away, and I didn”t look back. I was happy, truly I was. But at that moment, my happiness faded. Satisfaction vanished. None of the joy we shared mattered. I wanted one thing and one thing alone—Shale”s heart.

You always want what you can”t have, right?

Rushing past the Dragon knights on guard at the entrance to the King”s tower, I kept my head down. My eyes were watering again. Now that I was away from Shale, my body thought it was all right to let loose. I started to tremble as I climbed the stairs. And it wasn”t because there were so many of them. Between the garden and the tower stairs, I”d gotten stronger. Then there were the endless escapades in the King”s bed. I was in better shape than I”d ever been. Sometimes, I even raced Shale up the stairs. No, it wasn”t my muscles that were giving out.

By the time I reached the bathroom and got the door shut, I was crying full out. Just weeping like a little girl. I fell back against the door, then slid down it, and crumpled on the floor. Head on my knees, I let out all the emotions that I”d been denying. The pain, fear, jealousy, rage, and, above all else, the love.

“Sebastian?”

My whole body flinched at the sound of Shale”s voice.

Hurrying away from the door, I called out, “Yes?”

“Would you open the door, please?” he asked.

“I”m in the bath. I”ll be out in a few minutes.”

“Sebastian, I know you”re not in the bathtub. Open the door.”

“I don”t want to.”

“Open the door or I”ll break it down.” No anger, no passion even, just fact.

I swiped at my eyes. He may not be angry, but he was riling me up. “Great fuck, can”t I get a few fucking minutes to myself?” I swung open the door.

Shale grabbed me and pulled me into an embrace. I stiffened, but one of his hands held me tightly while the other rubbed soothing circles on my back. I soon submitted to that silent comfort. With a shudder, I crumpled against him.

Shale didn”t speak, just held me as my trembling returned along with my tears. I sobbed. Big, body-wracking sobs. He bent his head over me and stood strong, holding me upright as my strength gave out in more ways than one. I hadn”t realized how much my unfailing optimism had cost me. Or how much it hurt to not say what I felt. Holding back, yes, that”s what I”d been doing. Holding back the most important parts of myself. The parts that belonged to the Dragon King. I let them go at last, and they flew to him. My heart, mind, and soul. My words.

“I love you,” I whispered. “I love you, Shale.”

“I know, Sebastian. I know, and I”m so sorry.”

“You”re sorry?” I jerked out of his arms.

Shale stared at me with pity and there was caring in that, but no love. Not a drop of it. I had told myself over and over that it didn”t matter. Or, worse, that maybe his god hadn”t taken all of his love. Maybe a seed of it had been left, and I was exactly what he needed to grow that seed. So stupid. So wrong. All of it. Having Shale was wonderful. Life with him was pure magic. But it was incomplete, and I couldn”t be satisfied with it anymore. Not now that I”d given him my heart. Without his heart to take its place, I couldn”t live. No one can live without a heart. Or at least we mortals can”t.

I had to take mine back.

The knowledge was crushing. My mind fought it. My fucking soul fought it. But this was the only way for me to survive. I faced the same choice Shale had. Wither away for love or sacrifice it and live. I wanted to live. No, I couldn”t truly take back my love for Shale. Nor could I sacrifice it to a god. He would own a piece of me forever. But I could save the rest of myself. I could walk away now and eventually, I would move past this. It would hurt for a long time, but I wouldn”t curl up and die as Shale had tried to do. I would survive. If I left now.

“You know I have nothing more to offer,” Shale said. “I care for you, Sebastian. Your pain hurts me. But I cannot love you. I will never love you.”

“I do know that,” I said and backed away. “I”ve always known. But I never thought it would hurt like this.”

“Sebastian,” he whispered.

“I”m sorry too, Shale. But I”ve finished your garden. It”s thriving again, as you are. You”ve remembered how to live. You can be happy even if you can”t feel love. I”m glad for that. I can leave knowing you—”

“You cannot leave!” Shale roared and grabbed my arms. Gone was his calm. Gone in a heartbeat.

I just stared at him. I was calm enough for the both of us.

His voice dropped into a whisper again, “Sebastian.”

“Let go, my love,” I said firmly. “I”m so sorry, but you have to let go.”

“No,” Shale said. “And you promised to never let go of me.”

“Lovers make promises they sometimes can”t keep. You will forgive me. Eventually.”

His grip tightened. “No, I won”t. Because you are going to keep your promise.”

“Shale, if you care about me at all, you will let me go. This is killing me.”

The Dragon King”s face crumpled.

Then it filled with rage.

The pain in me fell to my feet, pushed down as fear climbed upward. “Shale,” I whispered.

“You aren”t going anywhere,” Shale declared. “You are mine. My doll. And you are staying right here.” He shoved me backward as if he didn”t trust himself to touch me any longer, then turned around and stormed out of the bedroom.

“Shale!” I ran after him. “Shale!”

I caught up with him in the stairwell. He was speaking to Gunrel, and Gunrel looked grim.

“Yes, Your Majesty,” Gunrel said and turned his stare on me. “I will look after him.”

Shale grunted and left.

“What the fuck?” I growled and tried to follow.

Gunrel firmly but respectfully grabbed my upper arm. “I can”t allow you to leave, King”s Consort. I”m sorry.”

“What?” I gaped at Gunrel, then shouted after Shale, “So now I”m a fucking prisoner? Are you going to make me a bed slave like they have in the oceans? Huh, Shale? Shale!”

But he didn”t answer, just kept going, the sound of his footsteps ominous in the narrow space.

I glared at Gunrel. “Let go of me.”

He let go but settled in the middle of the step, blocking my way.

“He can”t do this. I”m not his property.”

“He is the King,” was all Gunrel said.

He didn”t have to say anything more. It was implied. Dragon Kings could do whatever the fuck they wanted. And the rest of us just fucking dealt with it.

I turned around and went upstairs into the bedroom. My footsteps took me across the broad space to stand in an archway and stare out across the castle. Below me was so much beauty. The wealth of Latur on display. I stared at the sprawling castle, large enough to house the King”s courtiers and all his servants. I noted the gardens nestled among the stone structures, and the pools divided into grids by walkways and spotted with gazebos. Shale had taken me swimming in one of those pools. We had lunch in the gazebo. We had walked through his gardens, not just the one I revived for him, but all of them. We had become friends as well as lovers.

And my friend had just betrayed me.

I was trapped in an open cage with a man I loved who could never love me back. I didn”t want to escape him. But I had to. I had to find a way out of the castle and back to Sken. Or I would lose myself, piece by piece, my love sacrificed to the Dragon King as he had once sacrificed his to a god.