9. Katerina

Nine years ago, I made the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Leaving my son in the care of his father. Because I had no choice. It sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is but I did my best. I fought, I thought of every possibility where I could keep him with me, but in the end I had to let him go. There were so many moments leading up to me leaving him, so many things involved. Maybe a part of the decision involved my own selfishness but that doesn’t really matter. When I left him, a part of me died.

But at least I knew he was safe. I knew he was loved and he had his father.

I just never considered the fact that he would grow up thinking I was dead. My hand starts to tremble, my heart as well. I don’t care that I’m in front of the one person capable of using my weaknesses against me and winning. I don’t care that I probably shouldn’t be showing this much outward emotion.

One of my first lessons when I started learning how to be a Don was to be stoic all the time. Never to show weakness, pain, suffering. All of that flies out the window. I suddenly can’t breathe, air is trapped somewhere in my chest, my throat tight. A weight starts to settle in my stomach.

Very slowly, I look up at Alexander’s face. My eyes sting as I realize he really has changed. I’m on the verge of a panic attack and he looks like he couldn’t care less. He’s still icy cold. And that more than anything shocks me back into feeling somewhat normal. The weight on my chest starts to loosen, albeit slowly. He doesn’t say a word through it all.

A voice in my mind curses me, calling me weak.

I already know I am. It’s just a matter of getting stronger. But that’s not going to start now.

“You told him I was dead,” I finally manage to say, unable to keep the shakiness from his voice.

Alexander leans forward to grab the cup of coffee I am just now noticing. He takes in a long sip, his expression thoughtful.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Katerina. But shouldn’t you be grateful? Better he think you’re dead than the fact that you abandoned him,” he spits. “I would have never let my son think that. And in a way I did you a favor. He bears you no ill will. In his mind, his mother was an amazing woman who died when he was only a baby.”

“You lied to him,” I say softly.

“I protected him,” he counters. “I’m sure you wouldn’t even begin to know how it feels, but as a parent, that’s my number one responsibility, making sure he’s not in pain.”

I exhale softly, needing to get a grip on my emotions. Deep down, I understand what he’s saying. Logically, it makes sense. It was the right thing to do. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. In his mind, his mother is dead. I’m dead to him.

“Do you need a couple of moments?” he asks, green eyes hard. “I’m sure it’s a lot to take in.”

“No,” I shake my head. “And my terms still stand.”

He pauses in the process of taking another sip of the coffee.

“What?”

“I want to meet him. Just once. He doesn’t have to know who I really am.”

“That’s not happening,” he says, eyes flashing.

“Alexander.”

“No. You’re not his mother. You have no relation to him. The only thing you did was give birth to him but that doesn’t make you his mother. Do you understand?”

My fists clench. “Then we don’t have a deal.”

He gets to his feet angrily. “You know a part of me really hoped you weren’t as horrible a person as I thought. But you are. You’re using my son as a bargaining chip to fulfil your own wants. He’s not an object you can just pick and choose whenever you feel like it. He’s a child, a little boy, my little boy. You have no right to demand to meet him.”

My throat dries. I start to speak, to try to explain but he doesn’t wait to hear what I have to say. He walks away heading for the elevator. I get to my feet as well, hurrying after him and managing to get there just before the doors close. He pretends not to notice my presence.

“You think I’m a bitch,” I start. He doesn’t reply. “I am. I’m a terrible person for what I did to you. And what I did to Nathaniel-”

His eyes meet mine sharply. “Don’t fucking say his name. You have no right.”

I only just found out his name a couple of years ago. The Steele’s made sure there was no mention of him anywhere before that. I was going crazy trying to catch a glimpse of him, to know one thing about him. When he was five I even went to D.C to see him. But I didn’t make it very far.

He was exposed to the public not long ago. He started accompanying his father in functions and they didn’t seem intent on burying news articles about him anymore. Since then I’ve seen pictures, videos of him on his aunt’s Instagram. Every single one making my heart hurt. I’ve tried my best to be strong.

But those short glimpses haven’t been enough. I just want to see him, look into his eyes. Even if it’s just once. I know I don’t have a right to it. But I can’t help wanting it regardless.

Alexander’s looking at me now, green eyes filled with fury. I swallow softly, trying to give off some semblance of control.

“You have every right to be angry,” I start.

“Don’t patronize me, Katerina. This conversation is over.”

I take a step towards him and place my hand on his arm. The touch is searing, the first in almost a decade. “Please,” I say softly, uncaring how desperate I sound.

In one split second, he’s wrenching his arm away and shifting our positions so I’m pressed against the wall. My breath leaves me in a rush. I try to push back but he’s bigger and much stronger than me. I blink up into his eyes and swallow softly. His body presses into mine, his chest warm against my heaving breasts. The musky scent of his cologne invades my senses as he renders me unable to move.

I straighten my spine, making sure to look him in the eyes, despite how stunned I am by the turn of events.

“If you go anywhere near him, Katerina. I’ll end you.”

A chill runs through me at the words, at the brutality in them. He’s changed so much. But I also need to remember who I am.

“Calm down, Alexander. And let me go,” I order, raising my hand to push him away.

He captures my wrist in his hand and raises it up the wall, effectively rendering me immobile. My stomach start to churn. Out of nerves from the proximity. I swear I turn into the biggest idiot when he’s around. And I can’t believe he’s still able to affect me this much.

Just when I’m about to kick him in the balls or something, anything so he’ll back off. He releases me on his own, taking a step back, then another until his back is on the opposite side of the elevator doors. It dings at the exact moment as we arrive on the ground floor. The doors open but he doesn’t immediately exit.

“He’s in New York,” I say softly. “Isn’t he?”

His expression doesn’t change but he doesn’t reply which is enough confirmation.

“I don’t want to hurt him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.”

Xander looks me up and down and scoffs.

“You already have, Katerina.” He starts to walk out but then turns around halfway to say. “This isn’t over.”

Of course it isn’t. It’s nowhere near close to being over. If he knows me well, he knows that I never give up when I want something. And right now, I just have to plot a course of action, figure out how to get what I want.

I’m the boss of the Mincetti family. And while I may have made some mistakes, I refuse to be cowed.

When I exit the elevator, I do so with my head held high. No trace of the woman, begging for a chance to see a son she abandoned. Rico’s standing in front of the car with my guards. He steps forward as soon as I make an appearance, eyes roaming my face.

“We saw him leaving. He looked angry as hell,” Rico states. “And you look like you’ve been through hell and back. What happened?”

“Can we just leave, Rico?” I ask weakly. “We’ll talk later.”

“Of course, Don. Where to?”

I briefly wonder if going home right now would be a good idea. Especially with my dad around. As soon as I appear, he’ll have questions about where I’ve been. Questions I can’t answer because he can’t know anything about the Steeles.

“Let’s go to Sophia’s house. I want to see my little niece.”

Truthfully, I want to hold Nova to me and imagine she’s my little baby. The one I gave up. But on the flipside, being around her and my sister, sometimes makes me feel so fucking sick. Nova has a cousin she has no idea about. My sister has a nephew. A nine year old, little boy called Nathaniel. And he’s perfect.

I’ve never met him but I know without a doubt that he’s perfect. And I love him so much in spite of it all. I wish his father would understand that.

Alexander used to be so understanding. Willing to look past my flaws, willing to forgive me. I can’t blame him for losing that ability. Not after what I did and the effect of my actions.

We arrive at Sophia’s home and meet them in the middle of dinner. My sister gets to her feet, her expression worried as she takes in me and Rico.

“What’s wrong? You never stop by unannounced,” she says.

“I missed you and Nova,” I tell her softly. She flicks an eyebrow up but doesn’t say anything as she moves to hug me.

Sophia has always been better at both giving and receiving affection than me. She’s also great at putting herself out there, despite the possibility of being hurt. I don’t possess that ability. At the first hint of trouble, I close up, feel the need to run and hide.

My little niece climbs down her booster seat rushing towards me. The only person remaining seated at the table is her father who watches the scene quietly. I crouch down to hug Nova.

“Hi, my little angel,” I greet.

“Zia Kat,” she says happily, placing a tiny hand on my cheek. “Happy to see you.”

I smile, feeling my chest warm. Coming here was definitely the right idea. For the first time since I met Alexander earlier, I feel a sense of normalcy. Sophia insists we have dinner with her family, gesturing for Rico and I to take a seat at the table. I look towards Anthony as soon as I do, arching an eyebrow.

“You’re suspiciously quiet,” I note.

“I know when not to poke fun at you, cognata. You look rough,” he states.

“Careful or I might think you actually like me.”

“We wouldn’t want that,” he says with a small smile.

“Papa likes Zia,” Nova says, adding her two cents to the conversation.

I smile. “Of course your Papa likes me, Nova. He’s a big old softie.”

She giggles just as Sophia reenters with Rico behind her, holding two plates of food. We all settle in to eat and I feel more at ease than I have in days. This is the only place, I truly allow my worries to disappear. Where I feel the most comfortable. With the people I love the most.

But all good things must come to an end. After dinner, Rico and I have to leave. We say our goodbyes, with Sophia heading upstairs to tuck her baby into bed. I don’t miss the look she gives her husband as she leaves.

Anthony follows us outside, stopping me a few feet from the car. “Hey, listen if there’s something wrong, you know you can always ask for help, right? I mean sure, you can be a little scary and a little annoying but we’re family. And we protect each other.”

“You’re only doing this because Soph asked you to, aren’t you?” I tease.

“Sure she did. But I’m also doing this because I care.”

I smile, placing my hand on his arm reassuringly.

“I promise, if there’s something I can’t handle and if I need your help, I won’t hesitate to ask.”

“Your sister’s worried about you,” he informs me.

“She shouldn’t be. Let me do all the worrying. You guys just be happy.”

“How about you try to be happy too. Huh, cognata?” he asks,

“We’ll see.”

I can’t be happy. Not if I don’t get to at least meet my son. I just need to see him. Just once. When he was in D.C, protected by his entire family, unreachable, I managed to convince myself that I had no choice to stay away.

But now that he’s in my city. So close to me. I don’t think I can stay away. Not anymore.

“Makesure the warehouses are in strategically hidden positions across the city,” I’m saying to Rico. “We can’t risk an FBI raid right now and loose the entire shipment so we have to keep them hidden until they’re ready for exportation. Okay?”

Rico doesn’t reply. He’s staring at me from across the table, dark eyebrows furrowed. I sigh softly, clasping my hands together.

“What?” I question.

“You still haven’t told me what went down with Alexander Steele,” he states.

“Nothing much. Our conversation reached an impasse and we couldn’t continue. And exactly why are you so interested in him. I told him, this has nothing to do with our business. He requires my help on something and we’re negotiating the terms of the agreement.”

“What terms?”

“I’m not saying.”

His jaw clenches. “You know I trust your judgement, Katerina. You’re smart as hell, smarter than most people and I know you know what you’re doing. But in the past few days, I’ve watched this man affect you more than anyone else ever has. You can’t blame me for being curious.”

No, but I really wish he wasn’t. Especially not since he could very well find out the truth.

“I know but I promise there’s nothing wrong. I won’t let him affect me like that anymore.”

“Feelings aren’t a button you can just turn off and on, Katerina.”

My eyes narrow. “I’m sorry, did I ask for a lecture?”

“No,” he says, sighing defeated, “You were telling me about keeping the shipment hidden from the FBI. I’m listening.”

We go back to discussing business. When I woke up today, I decided that the only way to truly get what I want from Alexander, is to separate my emotions. We’re conducting a business deal, and sure it has something to do with an issue that’s vastly personal. But if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s negotiation.

As long as I can keep my head in the game and my heart out of it.