Chapter 34

Ira

I'm already drunk on this woman, and I've barely pulled her into the elevator to kiss her.

Doesn't matter that I don't get to dominate her tonight. That can come later. At present, I only see her as this stunning creature that makes me lose my whole fucking mind.

I've been with women I can't keep my hands off of. I've been with women who make me come undone in such mesmerizing ways. What I haven't been with are women who make me completely forget who I am because I'm so consumed by who they are.

Their crevices. Their beauty. Their intriguing thoughts and what drives them to do what they do. I've been on the precipice of those cliffs with other women, but this is my first time thinking her name over and over in my head as I explore everything that makes her her.

She's pinned against the elevator, mouth all over mine as her legs wrap around me. Her breasts are pushed up in her dress, taunting me. I want her. I want her like I've wanted so many other women, yet I'm discovering that every inch of her is something I want to know better.

The moment my lips leave a spot, I want to kiss it again. My mouth is so confused because, like a dumbass, I'm making it try to do a thousand things at once.

This wasn't part of my plan for her. I need to calm myself down.

No, what I need is to taste her.

By the time the elevator doors open to my floor, I've composed myself, and Katie's smoothed out her hair and dress. I wrap my arm around her waist and direct her toward my door. We're greeted by Saoirse, who hasn't been fed in hours – and that's a crime to any cat.

"Poor baby." Kathleen bends down to pet my dying feline as I take care of her dinner. Not exactly how I want to be spending the first few seconds in my condo. "Poor baby. Mommy didn't feed you."

"I did too." The moment the food hits the bowl in the kitchen, Saoirse comes running. Kathleen stands out in the living room. "Also, I'm her daddy. She used to live with some other guy before me, so it's the title she knows…"

I trail off because nobody cares about that deal. Nobody questions if a cat calls me Mommy or Daddy.

God, I should be nose deep in Kathleen.

"Come here." I lead her toward the bedroom. The lights are left on in the living room, and I don't give a shit. There are more pressing things I must do. Like her.

I know I'm not supposed to be domineering tonight, but I can't fucking help it! A woman like her is going to turn that on inside of me. I'll need to take her. I'll need to constrict her movements, to tell her what she's doing to me, and punish her for it. I need – need – to hear her come five million times. Preferably all over my body.

Press her down.

Feel her writhe beneath me.

Feel her constrict around my fingers. Experience her riding my face as I spank her ass.

Right. My plans.

Katie acts as if we're going to bed. She's wrong. As she eyes me suspiciously, I direct her to the en suite bathroom, which I've equipped with candles ready to be lit.

Vanilla. Lavender. Other women like those soft and sensual scents. Fuck that. I've got cinnamon and jasmine. I like spicy. Katie is a spicy woman who can appreciate the same tastes.

Sure enough, she laughs when I light the candles and turn off the overhead light. "What is this? You're foregoing fucking me for romance?"

I draw her into my arms, inhaling the scent of her equally feisty perfume over the burning candles, creating the perfect ambiance. "You have no idea what I'm foregoing."

"Tell me."

Her ass is firm in my hands as I drive my nose into her throat. "Fucking you senseless."

"Ready again? Already?"

"For you? I'm always ready. Practically the Grand Canyon of desperate urges"

I tear away from her long enough to turn on the faucets in my tub. Bubble bath is plenty, the soap mingling beneath the running water as I take off my jacket and toss it toward the covered toilet. Katie kicks off her flats behind me.

"Don't get undressed." When she frowns, I explain, "Give me something to do, darling."

I've got a million names for her. Katie. Babe. Darling. Who knew a month ago that I would feel this way about her? The more time I spend with Kathleen, the more I want to come up with naughty names and hear her scream mine in ecstasy.

As the water and bubbles fill my huge tub, I pull her back into my arms and kiss her, hard. Her fingers play at my buttons and zipper. I let her. Fuck, do I let her.

"Did I tell you that there are plans?"

"You might have said that," she says on my lips.

My plan is simple. As I ease her toward the tub and sit her down on the edge, my only thought is to make her come before the bath fills with water.

She braces herself on the edge. I open her legs and kneel between them. As she tosses her head back, the tips of her blond hair getting wet in the water, I pull aside her silk underwear and plunge my tongue into her wet, warm slit.

I don't hold back. I want her to feel as wild as I did in the concert hall, where she licked me so well that I almost shouted loud enough to drown out the music. As satisfying as it was to assert myself last week, to put her in her place, this is about intimacy… and there's nothing more intimate than feeling a whole mouth eat you whole, that lovely woman pouring all her attention into making you come as hard as possible.

It's only right that I give back.

"Oh, my God." Kathleen opens her legs wider, almost losing her balance and falling into the water. "Fuck me…"

I do. With my tongue, my hands gripping her thighs and hips as she bucks against me.

The water is rapidly filling the tub. If we're not careful – or quick – we'll end up soaked from the overflowing water. I'm determined, however, and I've set out with the challenge of making this woman come before it's time to get in the bath.

She grabs my hair, my scalp, and the edge of the tub. Kathleen fucks my face, her swollen clit pushing against my tongue every time it lashes out to taste her.

Wetness – and not from the faucet – overcomes my lips as we press on. She's a maniac, grinding against my face, humping my mouth, and losing herself on my skin. Every time I inhale, I smell her scent. It's getting stronger. Stronger. Stronger. The sweet menagerie of her voice and the running water are getting me greedy, but I forego touching myself so I can touch nothing but her.

"Ira…" I love the way she says my name. "Eye-raaaah." The sound is so desperate and drawn out. "Ira!"

Gushing. The heat smacks me in the face, and I ravenously eat her, letting my tongue lap up everything tumbling onto it. She's coming into my mouth, and fuck me sideways, it's the hottest thing that's happened tonight.

Her writhing gradually slows, and she eases me off her and shuts off the faucet. The water is at perfect depth. Kathleen looks at me, glowing, her clothes falling off and begging me to undress her.

So I do.

Our movements are slow in the candlelight. She mutters sweet nothings into my ear as I untie her halter and help her shimmy out of the red dress. My lips suck the necklace dipping into her cleavage until she unclasps it and lets it fall onto the dress. Her underwear falls with grace from her legs, and soon my darling Kathleen is naked and radiant in the candlelight.

"My hair," she laments, holding it in her hand as I undress in front of her. "I don't want it getting all wet. I washed it this morning."

I open one of the counter drawers and pull out an errant hair clasp a long-ago lover left behind. Kathleen snatches it from me while I pull her hair on top of her head. It's the messiest bun in the universe, and I love it.

I love it even more when she dips into the water, shuddering at how hot and delightful it is. As soon as I finish undressing, I join her, displacing enough water to reach the rim of the tub. My arm wraps around Katie's shoulders and brings her close to me as I relax against the back of the tub. Her arm circles in front of me, her cheek against my shoulder. I should have brought us drinks, but the candlelight and bubbles will have to be romantic enough.

"I never thought in a million years that you would put something like this together."

Rarely do I see the ceiling of my bathroom. Can't say I look up at it very often. Then again, rarely do I soak in the tub. Not alone. If I'm getting in the bath, I want to be with another woman. That's real luxury.

"You underestimate me," I whisper into Katie's ear. "I'm quite the romantic."

"Uh-huh." Her lips touch my chest, and I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this moment. I thought she would have run away from me by now.

Especially since she's acting so submissive.

She probably doesn't realize it, but the way she defers to my plan, sinks into the tub, and curls around me screams mine. Luckily for her, I can't think about it because the feeling of her hand rubbing my breasts is lulling me into a light slumber.

I wait until a few more minutes pass before broaching the sensitive subject on my mind.

"We need to talk, Katie. About the other things."

Her body tenses in my hold. "Screw you," she mutters. "Can't let us have one nice night without bringing up that shit."

There's nothing pleasant in her tone. It kills me. "It has to be discussed."

"Why? You said tonight was vanilla. Our kind, anyway. I don't want to think about kink, Ira. My thoughts are already muddled with everything else I'm thinking about."

"Why are you thinking at all? Just relax."

"What a typical thing to say." Her fingers clench my shoulder. "I don't know how you can shut your thoughts off like that. It's the kind of thing I associate with men, you know."

Now it's my turn to clench her, right on the upper arm. "It's neither a man nor a woman thing, my dear. It's also a sub thing."

"Don't bring that word up tonight."

"Katie…"

"Don't." The water splashes as she lifts her head and meets my gaze. Her blues are icy flames, and they're pulling me in, threatening to burn me alive if I say the wrong thing again. "After what happened last time, I want to be myself with you, Ira."

"What about ‘that' wasn't you?"

She clamps her lips together, blond brows scowling in thought. "Don't start that up. Don't you get it, Ira? This is what I want tonight." Her wet hand gestures to the tub, to our nakedness. "I'm comfortable with you. Don't compromise it."

"I'm not going to do anything." Even if she begged me in bed to get rough and Top her, I wouldn't do it tonight, no matter how much my body cried for it. I don't want to take the risk of driving her away again. Every time Kathleen grows closer to me, something happens to scare her off again. I'm sick of that. I've learned my lesson. Please believe me, Katie.

She sighs anyway. Shit, the distance is growing between us again. Good job, Ira. How many times have you freaked her out? This is a good example of why we're not compatible.

I need to remember that. This isn't a blossoming romance. This is two stupid idiots trying to make something out of nothing – a negative nothing. Our physical attraction to one another will only take us so far.

"I'm sorry," she mutters into the tub. "I know you don't expect anything tonight."

Leaning forward, I wrap both arms around her torso, some of the water of the bath splashing over the side and falling down a center drain. My lips kiss her damp back, licking away the water droplets overtaking her. I'm careful not to touch her breasts or thighs as I embrace her again. I don't want her to think I'm trying to dominate her.

Although I would really, really love to.

I got a taste of her innermost self two weeks ago, and now I only think of having more. She asked me to train her. She asked me, yet I know deep down that she can barely handle it.

There's so much pressure. Pressure from her to be kind, gentle, and the exact kind of Mistress she needs to fulfill those fantasies lurking in the back of her mind.

Pressure from myself, telling me to forget all that and plunge myself into her again.

"We need to talk, Katie."

Her arms fold on the edge of the bath, her cheek resting on top of her elbow. I draw a line up her spine, but she does not respond. I nuzzle my nose into her messy bun and inhale the sweet scent of the shampoo she used this morning. Even though my tub is big enough for two people, we're still cramped in here, and turning on my side to indulge in her body means rubbing my thighs against her ass.

Keep this up, and I won't be able to hold back much longer.

"What the fuck do we have to talk about?" She's pouting. I bet she's adorable, gorgeous. If only I could see her. I'll have to make do with touching her seductive body.

"We need to talk about us."

"Why?"

"Because you've asked a lot of me, and I want to make sure we're on the same page."

"Do we have to talk about it tonight?"

"Better tonight than when we're trying to have a scene and you feel pressured into things you don't want to do." Before she can protest, I say, "You wouldn't think of it that way at the time. You would try to push yourself like you did the other night. That's where things get scary for you, and I want to avoid that."

She doesn't answer. She knows what I mean.

"Katie," I say softly, pressing myself against her. "Before we can do any of that, I need you to feel comfortable with me and trust me unconditionally, because I will push you. There will be times you seriously wonder if you should keep going, out of discomfort and fear. Please believe me when I say I only want our most mutual pleasure."

I kiss her neck, but not hard. I want to allow her to speak.

"I don't know what I was thinking when I asked that of you. It's pretty clear we don't operate that way together."

"You are harboring those fantasies that you want to act upon. They will keep building up inside you until they start interfering with your usual life. I've seen it many times. With you… it's very different because you're not like most women. You know what it's like to seek out and feel powerful. Giving up power is hard, I know."

Katie presses her forehead against the tub. "Why are you doing this? Why are you taking me out on dates?"

This isn't a question about domination and submission. She's asking why we're even here in this tub, and I admit it's something I haven't fully thought through.

"Because I like you, Kathleen. I'm not going to deny it any longer."

My hands touch her, finally, feeling her supple breasts in my hands and the heat between her legs. I'm gentle, but she knows my intentions. Katie relaxes a little. Not enough for me to make love to her here in this tub, though.

That's all right. That can come later.

I can barely think about what I said. Of course I like Kathleen! Why would I be doing this if I didn't like her? I've had casual sex with many women who didn't do it for me, but she's different. I want to be in the bath with her. I want to take her out to dinner and listen to her talk about her family and work. I want to curl up with her like this, feel her warm skin move with her breaths, and listen to her heartbeat in her chest as we fall asleep together.

I won't say it's love. I'm practical and being with Kathleen would be the most impractical relationship possible.

"I like you too," she softly says. "But I also kinda hate you."

I don't ask for details. Who would want them in this moment?

A part of me understands. I represent a lot of things to her. Fear, foreboding, embarrassment. In a way, it's the same for me. Well, don't know if I would use the word hate…

"You know what I want?" Kathleen picks up one of my arms and tucks it beneath hers, so my hand can curl up and cup her face. I roll against her back, feeling the hot water soothe my muscles while Katie's body soothes my soul. Nope. Not love.

Definitely not love, whatever the hell that is.

"What do you want?"

It takes a few seconds for her to confess her innermost desires. For her to trust me enough with these words and not make fun of them. At this point, I may still give her a hard time about things, but I respect her enough to know that this is not the right time. Instead, I stroke her skin, hoping I can take her to bed soon.

So many plans.

"I want to combat these voices in my head that say I'm somehow weak because you make me feel a certain way. No one has made me want to submit before, Ira. I don't know what that says about you. I try not to think about it, but I can't deny that when you grab me, when you growl into my ear, and when you get a little rough with me I don't feel alive. I thought I was ready last time. To explore that side of myself, that is. I realize now that wasn't the case. Doing that with you requires letting go of everything I thought I knew about myself. As a femme, it's terrifying."

"You know that I would never let that leave the bedroom, right?" I am both for and against the idea of a lifestyle relationship for myself. I've dabbled in it, and it was fun, but I don't know if I could handle a sub who needs me to dominate them 24/7. Not just sexually but telling them how to live their lives and permitting them to do every little thing. That sounds exhausting.

Not to mention, I like a woman with her own life and independence. They're much more interesting. So what if one night a week I want to make her get down and devour me?

So what?

"I'm not going to think any less of you, Katie. Not for following your desires and sharing them with me. You're allowed to be vulnerable around me. You're not weak. You're doing what you need to do to be happy. You work so hard to please people and to prove yourself. That's admirable."

I hope I don't come across as condescending. I've been accused of that a time or two, and I know that Katie often thinks that about me.

Katie.

I'm the only person who calls her that. Of all the people in the world, it's me, the fuck up whom the press can't decide is male or female, who my own father introduces to his old buddies as "the son I always wanted." The one my mother coddles because she still sees me as a walking minority who is going to get utterly destroyed by my peers if I show any weakness. It's me. I'm the only one.

"It doesn't matter how much I know that," she says. "Things are still different. They're different to me."

"All right."

She lifts her head, some of her hair falling from the clasp and landing in the water. She doesn't care. "Let me ask you a question. Something that's been burning in my brain whenever I go to sleep tonight. Besides, it's your turn to be put on the spot about who you are."

I steel myself for a conversation I expected a few weeks ago, not tonight. "Yeah? You can ask me anything."

Kathleen slightly grimaces within my hold. Is it because this is touchy for her? Because we've already talked so deeply about her? Or because she's afraid of what I might think?

"I know you're non-binary." Ah, there it is. At least I was prepared. "And you tell people you're a lesbian. So… is it okay if I think of you as a woman?"

"Now, Kathleen." I grin into the back of her head as I clench my arms around her, intentionally making her giggle a little when I blow my lips against her neck. "You can think of me however you like. As long as it's done with respect."

"That's what you said about your pronouns when I asked a few years ago."

I remember. We hadn't seen each other for a few years after I graduated high school. College, grad school, work… then she was in my periphery, and I had become some sort of mascot in both the local queer community and the world over because of my family's reach. There are as many people inspired by me as there are who hate me. For being queer. For being rich. Some hate me for both!

"Because that's all I care about. I think I'm a pretty good judge of someone's character. If they call me a woman with feminine pronouns out of insistence that I follow their script, then fuck ‘em. They're assholes. But if they're like you, and that's just how you relate to me… I don't mind. I can tell the difference."

"Your dad calls you his son a lot."

"Sure. It makes it easier for him. He always wanted a boy. Makes it easier, sometimes."

"So…"

I lean back again, my hands ascending her dewy arms. "My relationship to my gender is simple, Katie, so don't think too hard about it. I consider myself fairly privileged in that regard. I don't mind my body. I wear a prosthetic half of the week because I like it. That's all there is to it. And, to be frank, my girlfriends tend to like it too. If you haven't noticed."

She laughs. "You're quite skilled! Way more than I am."

"It's partially about the intent. When I'm making love to a woman with it, I want to blow her mind so hard she doesn't even know what gender she is. Because I fried her brain."

"That's apt, honestly."

"But I like being like this, too. I don't take hormones and the only medical thing I've done is get an IUD to make me forget about my period. I might have a problem with the whole concept."

"Is it… because of me? And what happened twelve years ago?"

I hesitate before answering. "Maybe a little bit. But that's always been one of the more dysphoric issues I deal with. Now I don't have to."

"I have an IUD too. For different reasons."

My nose traces a line from her hairline to the top of her spine. "See how much we have in common?" Beneath my grip are her breasts, and I squeeze them, tenderly, reminding her of her own body's existence. "I love women, Katie. With all my heart. Especially women who make me even more aware of my blood rushing through my veins." That includes my extremities. My heart. My entire body… tits, cunt and all. "You women are a celebration of femininity that brings me peace with myself."

She finally relaxes. "Are you living vicariously through my long hair and dresses, Ira?"

"Are you living vicariously through my undercut and tailored suits?"

"Ah, maybe a little…"

"Tell me, how does Kathleen Allen, bisexual, feel about her non-binary lover?"

"Oh, this bisexual feels many things about her. Some of them I'm still not sure about, but I know I wish I was half as confident in myself as she is in herself."

I don't tell her this, but she might be the only person to so effortlessly refer to me with feminine pronouns and not stir something uncomfortable inside of me. I don't tell her, because I don't want to complicate this, including my feelings. I feel safe with Kathleen… in ways I never thought I could with someone who sees me as not so different from her femme self.

We could be two sides of the same beautiful coin, Katie. We could conquer the world one night at a time.

"I want to still do it, I think," she says. "Experimenting, I mean. As long as I also get stuff like this."

I kiss her skin yet again. "You can have it as much as you want."

It's not love I feel for her. It's not.

It's not love.