Chapter Ten

AVA-MARIE

This was a fucking disaster. And I’d been involved in enough shit shows to know when things were going south, and when things had ended up in the pits of hell, and this was absolutely the second one.

“Marcus, wait!” I cried out. My wheelchair couldn’t go as fast as he could run, and I was losing him in the palace halls.

I’ll go after him, Oberi said, sailing forward.

I was too tired to push myself, so I used the remote on the chair to hurry after them. I followed my bond to locate Oberi. She was perched in a tree in the palace gardens a few branches below Marcus. He’d climbed into the limbs of the tree and was crying. Rishi had found him, and the cat was lonesomely mewling in his lap.

I stopped my wheelchair below the tree and looked up. “You’ve gotta come down.”

“Go away, Ava. Go back to your bastard husband.”

I felt Charlie’s hurt twinge across our bond. He’d heard that.

I blocked Charlie out, because Marcus needed me right now. If he had to vent some frustration, he needed to be allowed to do that without my husband getting hurt.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I replied. “You need to talk about this.”

“Talking isn’t going to do any good. She left me. There’s no way to fix it now.”

He sobbed harder. I was pretty lost on how to help him, because there was no way to express how absolutely devastating this was for him.

Then I realized… he had to express it. He was in so much pain all that anguish needed to go somewhere. He needed to do art.

“Hey, Marcus?”

“Yeah?” He sniffed.

“I’ve been wanting to get another tattoo,” I tried. “Can you give me one?”

“Right now?”

“Yes. Please?”

He gave another loud sniff, then wiped his face and muttered, “Okay. I’m coming down.”

Marcus let out an ouch as he cracked branches on the way down the tree. He almost tumbled out of it. I had to hold my breath, because I worried he was going to fall. When he got down to the ground, his face was so blotchy he didn’t look like himself.

“Let’s do it here.” He sat down on a chair beside a fancy outdoor table, then conjured the tattoo quill I’d seen him use so many times.

“You have it in your stash?” I asked as I rolled up to the table.

“I always carry it with me, in case I get any urges.” He gave a miserable shrug. “It’s a replacement for… other things.”

My mind didn’t have to wander far to imagine what he meant. I’d seen tiny slit marks hiding underneath the colors of his tattoos once or twice, when we sat close together or when he pointed something out.

I’d noticed for years, but never said anything about them, because they didn’t make Marcus any different to me. I destroyed others; Marcus destroyed himself. It’s just what we did.

But that’s exactly what I needed to talk to him about, because this conversation didn’t really have anything to do with Kallie.

“It’s good you’re investing in your art,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

“I’m running out of places to put them. I wanted to draw one on my elbow, but I can’t reach around that way without making the drawing look like shit.”

“You should open up a part-time tattoo shop,” I suggested. “You’re so talented that you should share those gifts with others.”

“Maybe. I’m gonna have to start moving on to my legs next. There’s a lot of empty skin there.”

Marcus conjured a drawing pad. “What did you want to get?”

“A unicorn, on my right wrist.”

He began to map out the idea for the design. I let him work in silence, observing as he put curled lines and intricate loops onto the paper. When he was done, he turned the pad around to show me.

I nodded. “It’s perfect.”

I liked it. It was really girly, but I also thought it signified Oberi. The design said something about being really strong when you didn’t have any other choice. He’d definitely put his feelings into it, and that’s what made the tattoo so heartfelt. The design was complicated and would take time to finish tattooing.

Good. It would give me some time to talk to him, and this conversation was going to be a deep one. I didn’t want him running off until I got my point across. Marcus wouldn’t leave a piece of art unfinished, even if he hated it. It wasn’t in him. So he’d stick around to finish the tattoo even if he didn’t like what was being said, and there were some things he needed to hear.

I laid my arm on the table. Marcus bent over and began to draw. The cool edge of the quill’s tip laid ink into my skin, and the familiar feeling of getting a massage drifted across my wrist.

I didn’t know how to start the conversation, until Marcus said quietly, “I don’t know what I’m going to do now. She was the center of my universe.”

If that didn’t cut me through. An image of Charlie suddenly vanishing broke into my head, and I felt completely gutted. “I’m sorry, Marcus. I wish it could’ve turned out differently.”

“Doesn’t matter. I guess it’s over now.”

“It does matter, Marcus.” I wanted to cry for him, because this was terrible, but I managed to keep myself together. “Kallie and Charlie aren’t like us. They think with their heads, and we think with our hearts.”

“Is that why she did what she did?”

He stopped drawing to look up at me. His eyes were so full of heartbreak. It was like looking into the eyes of a little kid. He seemed like a little boy who’d been abandoned, and he didn’t feel the need to mask it around me like he did the others. It showed.

I was honored he felt he could be that vulnerable with me. But we understood each other like that. “Marcus, she asked Charlie to break your bond because she physically couldn’t hold on any longer. I know her— she tried, with everything in her. If she had remained bonded to you, it would’ve eventually killed her. I know you don’t want that for her.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “I understand. I always knew I was bad for her.”

Impatience flared within my chest, but I placed it aside. “It’s not about that, Marcus. You’re bad for her because you believe you are. You could’ve made a different decision. But now that it’s over, you’ve gotta think about what you want to do next. Not what you and her are going to do, but you, and the life you want to live. That’s the only thing that counts from this point out.”

“Why does it matter if I’m not with her?” he asked. “Everything’s pointless now.”

I knew his mental health was on the edge. I completely got it, because I understood what it was like to feel like you were free-falling through life with no way to see the bottom, or know if the impact was going to hurt once you finally got there.

“It’s not pointless. You don’t need her to be yourself.”

“But it feels like I need her to keep breathing,” he argued. “Logically, consciously, I know Kallie loves me. I know we belong together. But there’s something inside of me that can’t accept it, and I always felt like she was going to leave me, so why make it permanent if I’m just holding out to be abandoned? I feel like I have to test her loyalty, even though I know that’s unfair. I don’t want to be this way, and I don’t know why I am. But I can’t make this go away, no matter how hard I try to logic my way out of it.”

He gave a shaking sigh. “My dad’s got depression, and he promised me if I went on meds this weight on my shoulders would be lifted. But I feel like it’s never been heavier. He doesn’t get me. And I thought that Kallie did, but I ended up being too much for her.”

This was the part where I prayed he wouldn’t run away. I’d suspected this for a while, but hadn’t been sure until tonight. “Marcus, maybe you were misdiagnosed. Maybe it’s not depression. Maybe it’s BPD.”

“What’s that?” He shook his hair out of his eyes and looked up.

“Borderline Personality Disorder is?—”

“Oh, that’s great, so it’s a personality disorder, like narcissism,” he grumbled. “I’m an even shittier person than I thought.”

“Let me talk,” I said gently, and he shut up. “As I was saying, being borderline is a pattern of having unstable and explosive emotions. It messes with self-image, makes people impulsive, and leads to having chaotic relationships with others. People who are borderline can’t tolerate being alone. They feel empty often, get angry at inappropriate times, self-harm, and have an intense fear of being abandoned. Suicide attempts are common with untreated BPD, too. Sometimes, it can masquerade as depression, though that’s not really what it is. Maybe that’s why nobody’s caught it.”

“I mean, it sure sounds like me,” he said. “But I’m still not convinced it’s that bad.”

“It is that bad. Marcus, look at how it presents. You’re always talking shit about yourself, you have a hard time controlling your anger, and you’re always afraid you’re going to get left, to the point you blow up your own relationships with the people you care about the most.”

“But how do you know this is something I potentially have?” he pressed.

I wasn’t surprised he was in denial. There were times I tried to talk myself into believing I didn’t have bipolar, either, but it never worked. “It’s just a guess. But I spent a lot of time in and out of the mental hospital growing up, and I know what it looks like. I’ve seen other patients with it.”

He scowled. “I don’t want these labels. I’m so sick of being told something is wrong with me.”

“I’ve been labeled my whole life. I didn’t like my diagnosis at first, either, but I learned that the label isn’t about marginalizing ourselves, but about making sense of it, so we can find the tools that work for us,” I explained. “Without my bipolar label, I wouldn’t understand what was going on with me, or how to manage it. I think you need to see a psychiatrist and seek a formal diagnosis so you can get the help you need. You need mood stabilizers. Your antidepressants aren’t enough. They might not even be the right prescription for you.”

Marcus focused more intently on the tattoo as he asked, “How does somebody develop BPD?”

“Usually, it happens due to childhood trauma. Being in an unstable household and that sort of thing.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” he argued. “I had really good parents, so I can’t have it. My childhood was overwhelmingly positive, as far as my family goes.”

“Usually, people with BPD have abusive or narcissistic parents, but that isn’t always the case. Your parents might’ve loved you so much and been so overprotective that it started to become intrusive, and that made it hard for you to understand what you needed emotionally.”

“Having helicopter parents isn’t enough to cause this kind of mental pain,” Marcus argued. “There’s gotta be some traumatic event in my past that caused all of this.”

“Maybe it’s trauma you don’t remember, because you were too little. But it could’ve had a big effect on your development,” I said. “Do you know if there was anything bad that happened to you when you were a toddler, or even younger?”

He seemed contemplative. “Well, my brother died when I was young, but that wasn’t the only thing. When I spoke to my parents, and they told me they knew I was a demigod all this time, they explained something bad happened to me when I was an infant. That’s when I was cursed so they couldn’t tell me what they knew about my powers. Apparently, it was terrible enough that I summoned my god Santos to protect myself. I was in danger, and people were hurting me.”

Marcus acted like nothing bad had ever happened to him in his childhood, but he’d just listed off so many things that could be the cause of his struggles.

“You don’t have to give any details on what happened,” I said quickly. “But if what your parents say is true, then it explains why you’re hurting so badly. Most of our personality, and our insecurities, are formed before the age of five. My concern here is that BPD is usually formed from consistent trauma over a long period of time, and not just one instance. There are also genetic factors which can make you more likely to develop BPD even if you came from a good family. High emotional sensitivity can be an inherited trait, and that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, but it can lead to problems if it’s not managed well. But maybe we’re not looking at the big picture. There’s not necessarily clear causes for a lot of mental illnesses, and that could apply here.”

Marcus scoffed. “I’ve been fucked up since I came out. I’ve always struggled with depression and stuff like that, even when I was a little kid. Other kids picked on and bullied me mercilessly because I just didn’t come out right. How I was as a child isn’t normal.”

“Well, I was diagnosed with bipolar really young, far younger than usual. Typically, bipolar isn’t recognized until late teens or early twenties, and I was having severe symptoms by the time I could talk,” I pointed out. “Marcus, we know having demigod abilities fucks with our brain chemistry. It wouldn’t be unusual for your magic to mess with your brain, like my abilities worsen my bipolar. And you killed eleven people by accident when you were eighteen, which probably made it worse. You were barely an adult, and it was really traumatic. Do you realize you probably have PTSD on top of all of this? It might not be just one thing, but a lot of different things contributing to how you feel. The trauma from your infancy, your demigod powers messing with your brain chemistry, the bullying when you were younger, and potentially, trauma from your past lives could all be contributing to why you feel this way.”

His response was thoughtful. “I guess that’s true. But if I really do have BPD, it’s not fair, and it’s not okay for you to have bipolar, either. Why did we get the shitty end of the stick? Charlie doesn’t have to deal with this. He’s fine.”

I nearly scoffed, because whatever Charlie was, he was never fine. “He does have to deal with it. He doesn’t have BPD, but he gets angry and destructive. It’s just in a different way. And Kallie struggles, too. But this is how you personally struggle.”

His lip quivered. “I want to be with Kallie, but it’s like I can’t.”

“Marcus, I really need you to hear me right now.” I reached out to lay a hand on his arm, and he stopped drawing long enough to look up. “This isn’t about Kallie. This is about your mental health. You’re really sick. You need help. I’m worried you’re not going to be around if this goes on for much longer. And no matter how bad things have ended up between you and Kallie, I want you to get treated for what’s bothering you. Because despite what happened, I can’t handle losing another friend. And none of us want to lose you, because your life is worth more than what you’re willing to admit. You’ve always mattered. So as much as you think everyone else has given up on you, don’t give up on yourself.”

His eyes watered. “Can you promise me that it gets better?”

“I think it does. And it gets worse. Then it gets better again. Bipolar is shitty, and having BPD can be just as awful. But I still think life is worth living with it. There are ups and downs, but this world is so big and beautiful. It’s not worth missing out on just because our brains are being assholes.”

I paused before I added, “People who have borderline personality also fixate and obsess about one certain relationship. They choose somebody called a favorite person who they idolize and rely on for constant validation and comfort, but they typically blame the favorite person whenever they feel insecure. The BPD individual craves the favorite person’s attention, but when they’re triggered, the one with BPD will test the favorite person and push them away to see if they’re going to leave or not. And I think we know who your favorite person is… and how you’ve been treating her.”

“If that’s true, then I can’t have BPD, because I only push Kallie away,” Marcus said. “I don’t think she can love a guy like me.”

“That’s the BPD talking,” I replied gently. "Marcus, you did latch on to Kallie. She's the person you seek all your love and adoration from, but at the same time, you don't believe it when she shows it. You also don't believe you can ask for validation, because you think that if you do, it doesn't count. You pushed her away because you wanted to see her fight harder for you, but that only became a self-fulfilling prophecy. She loved you so much, and it became too exhausting for her to give her love to someone who didn't receive it.”

Marcus dropped his gaze. "It's all my fault, then.”

"I'm not saying that, and I don't think it's helpful to think that way,” I told him. “Relationships take work from both sides, and there were times when Kallie didn't treat you right, either. Having a greater understanding of this isn't about assigning blame, but about acknowledging the role you played and taking responsibility for making improvements. It's important to recognize what was helpful and what was harmful. With that understanding, you can find the right tools that will help you in the future. Neither of you have to excuse how you treated each other, but you do have to forgive yourselves, because you can't move forward if you're resentful towards Kallie or yourself. It's about getting the help you need, Marcus."

His hands shook, but he took a moment to calm them before he returned to working on the tattoo. “Do you think me having BPD is the reason I lost it at the Institute when we broke out?”

I didn’t know. Marcus had turned into someone else that night, and from what he said, he couldn’t remember going manic and developing a personality that was so contradictory to himself. But I had struggles remembering things when I developed psychosis, too.

“I'm not saying that psychosis episode was related to you having BPD,” I started. “But the thing is… if a mental illness gets bad enough, almost all of them can result in people hearing or seeing things, even with something as common as depression. That's why it’s really important to get some sort of treatment, because the longer you let it go, the worse it can get. You just get more and more paranoid, and more scared, and upset. Eventually your mind starts making up shit that's not there because you’re sick and not getting help. It's like the progression of any disease. And I think you're at a point where you can’t handle this by yourself.”

Marcus nodded. “I can agree with that. There’s something dark within me that I don't understand, and I don't think it’s related to whatever’s going on in my head. Back there, when we were breaking out, it was like something else… took over me.”

“Maybe it wasn’t BPD. Maybe it wasn’t even a psychotic episode,” I suggested. “Maybe it was the villain inside of you, coming out to protect yourself and all of us.”

“I agree with that,” he added. “Everything you’ve said so far about BPD makes sense, except for this. I don’t think that episode and what’s going on in my head are related.”

“Do you think it was magical?”

“Possibly. That’s what it felt like. It didn’t seem like something that was going on inside my head, or something I was being possessed by, but something my demigod magic was channeling. I’m not really sure what happened.”

“Whatever it was, I don't think you want it to happen again.”

“No. It was scary, blanking out like that. And if it does happen again, I want to be in control of it this time.”

I dropped my gaze. “I know how you feel. It's no fun, losing yourself.”

“No. I hated it.” Marcus scowled.

“If you don’t want it to happen again, you’ve gotta work on understanding yourself, and what your triggers are. It’s important for you to manage your condition, so it doesn’t interfere with your life anymore. Or at least, as little as possible.”

“It’s not like I’m disabled like you and Charlie are.”

“BPD is a type of disability, because it’s disabling to live like this,” I insisted. “You shouldn’t discredit how painful this type of disorder can be.”

“How can you say that?” Marcus asked. “You definitely have it worse than me. You’re in a wheelchair.”

“Big deal. That doesn’t mean I get more disability points than you,” I said. “Yeah, not being able to walk isn’t exactly ideal, but there are times where my bipolar gets so crippling that it becomes more of an obstacle to my life than being a paraplegic does. It’s not a competition to see who’s suffering more. You’re in pain, so you should get what you need to get better. That’s not taking anything away from me.”

“Okay. I suppose you’re right.” Marcus leaned back as he finished the tattoo. “I’ll go see a psychiatrist as soon as I can— tomorrow, even.”

“Thank you. It means more to me than you know that you’re taking this seriously.” I raised my arm to observe the finished tattoo. I almost went breathless at how elaborate it was. “It’s beautiful, Marcus.”

“If you say so.” He shrugged. “The nose is too long, and I put too many lines in the mane.”

I didn’t see it. “Well, whatever you think, the world shouldn’t live without a gift like this, or without you. And despite your bond being broken, maybe things between you and Kallie can get better once you find what works for managing your health.”

“She’s never going to take me back. It’s done,” he replied despondently.

“I’m not saying you guys are ever going to be romantically involved again,” I added. “But she means a lot to you, and you mean a lot to her. And though she needs her space, maybe there’s still room for you somewhere down the line, once you get better. Being friends is a lot better than being nothing.”

Marcus subconjured the drawing pad and quill. “I don’t know if I can get better. But I want to at least try. Thank you, Ava. For being there.”

I always would. Marcus and I shared something with each other the other two couldn’t comprehend, a wordless understanding that agreed we were very similar and struggled with similar things. Charlie struggled at points with connecting with my turbulent emotions, but Marcus didn’t, because he had to battle them himself. We couldn’t shove down our feelings and hide them like my husband and Kallie could; we had to fight with them every day. So I would be someone who Marcus could battle his feelings with, because I knew better than anybody no one could do this alone.

Marcus agreed with me that he shouldn’t be alone right now, and that he should stay with his parents for a while instead of in Charlie’s suite with the rest of our friends. I figured it would be best if he didn’t cross paths with Kallie or Charlie right now, and that his family would look out for him until he got to a more stable place. I personally escorted him there. I explained the situation quickly to Nadine and Lucas before I left with Oberi to travel back to our quarters.

By this time, it was pretty late at night, and I was longing for bed. But I really wanted to talk to Kallie before I turned in.

She opened up her door immediately when I knocked. I had the thought she appeared to be completely renewed. She stood straighter, and there was a reignited light in her eyes that I thought had gone out a long time ago.

My heart sank as I realized she looked like a girl who was relieved to finally be out of a bad relationship. My own feelings about the whole matter were complicated. I’d be cheering for her and opening a bottle of wine to celebrate if this had been some douchebag she’d dumped.

But it wasn’t. The person she’d left was one of my best friends. I was happy that she was finally free of a situation that had been suffocating her. But I was also sad for Marcus that he’d lost her.

“Hey. You talk to Marcus?” she asked.

“Yeah.” I entered her room, and she shut the door behind me. “He’s with his parents.”

She nodded slowly. “Good. I won’t have to worry about him. I can focus on… me.”

“How do you feel?” I asked. We roamed to the balcony, and she took a seat in one of the chairs while Oberi perched on the ledge.

“Honestly? Like I can finally breathe,” she admitted. “It’s no longer about what makes him happy, or what makes us happy, but what makes me happy. I can think about what I need, and I haven’t in so long. I lost myself in what we were, and to find myself again… I can’t even tell you how much that means.”

“I’m glad you’re getting your identity back.”

“I had to. It’s hard for me to remember who I was before him.” She crossed her arms, holding herself. “At least now I can make decisions for myself without some jerk trying to run the show.”

“There might be more to it,” I said slowly.

I explained the conversation I had with Marcus, and told her my thoughts about him potentially having BPD. She seemed thoughtful when I finished explaining.

“This makes sense. If you’re his favorite person, it explains why he has such intense feelings about you that go back and forth between positive and negative,” I said. “He projects these big fantasies onto the relationship and needs your approval to feel good about himself, but he also lashes out because he’s trying to test if you’ll leave. It can be hard being with someone who has BPD, but if he gets treated, this relationship isn’t doomed to fail. You guys could still make this work and set up healthy boundaries.”

“Maybe that could’ve happened before, but the bond is broken now. The magic is gone, so I’m not interested in trying again,” Kallie said shortly.

“Not even a little?” I whispered.

“No. He hurt me more than you realize. I can’t sit around and allow him to treat me poorly because I feel bad for him.”

“I get it. I have bipolar, but it doesn’t give me an excuse to treat Charlie like shit.” I shook my head. “But at least now you know why he acts the way he does. He doesn’t want to, Kallie. He’s not just an asshole.”

Her mouth remained flat. “It’s not an excuse for the way he treated me. I never thought he wanted to hurt me, Ava. But I don’t want us to get back together. Ever. I don’t want to even be his friend. And until he’s better, I think it’s worse for him if I’m around.”

My heart broke into a million pieces for them. “I agree. Still sucks, though.”

“It does. But I’d rather live with a broken heart than with regret that I never took the chance to see what life could be like without him hurting me,” Kallie stated. “He might be able to recover and live a happy life, and that would be really awesome. Me and him, though? Never again. I wish him all the best, but he needs to leave me be.”

Oberi cooed, then hopped onto her lap. Kallie stroked her feathers, and whatever hope I still had left for her and Marcus died within me. I really thought my intuition was right about them, but guess not.

It was contrary to everything I believed in, but I really had to wonder if love was able to fix the worst situations. At the very least, if they couldn’t be happy together, maybe somehow they could be happy apart.

Time, I supposed, would tell.

Things were really quiet after what went down with Kallie and Marcus. Charlie and I didn’t see either of them around, just kept to ourselves.

Charlie felt guilty about what he’d done, but he didn’t regret his decision. I thought that Kallie and Marcus had to grow separately before any progress could be made on reconciliation, friendship or otherwise, and Charlie had done all he could to help our friends. It was up to them now to see what the future held.

A few weeks later, Abigail delivered a letter from my Auntie Imogen, asking me to come visit her. I hadn’t seen her in ages, so I was delighted. She was spending the day at Uni Essentials, a place in the city, and asked me to swing by. I wasn’t sure what the location was, but it sounded magical, so I was looking forward to going. I took a carriage, and Eldin escorted me downtown.

From the moment I entered through the glass double doors, I was instantly transported to a fairy land. The doorway was a portal, and it took me to a room that had been placed under a wonderful illusion spell. The area around me was a massive flat plane surrounded by mountains, bathed in golden sunlight. The very air sparkled, and I inhaled the scent of wildflowers. On the cliff sides of mountains were gigantic mushrooms in pink, green, and light blue, so large they rivaled the size of trees. The sky seemed to span overhead, though if I looked closely, I could see wooden beams where the ceiling was high above.

There were unicorns everywhere, grazing on the mountain and napping in the sun. A river ran through the middle of the room that the unicorns drank from, and the water came in rainbow colors. Balloons filled the air, and the entire area smelled like birthday cake. All around the room were different vendors— chocolatiers, candy carts, and ice cream. Nearby, there was a white barn. On the wall were mounted all kinds of bridles and saddles, which the Elves tacked onto the unicorns to ride. Elves were bathing the unicorns, brushing their coats and feeding them treats. A big smile bloomed on my face as I watched unicorns bounce off of gigantic marshmallows into candy cane clouds.

“It’s a unicorn stable,” I said in wonder. “With all the things a unicorn could ever need.”

Oh, goodness, I appear so silly, Oberi said in embarrassment, hiding behind her phoenix wing. I need to fit in.

Oberi changed into a unicorn and pleasantly stomped her hoof. There. I am no longer a faux pas.

I saw Auntie Imogen standing near a long stage at the bottom of the mountain that looked like a runway. She called me over, and I rolled across a pink bridge to where she was standing.

“Hey, Ava. Glad you could make it. You’re the go-to girl on fashion, and we really need your opinion,” Aunt Imogen said in a fluster.

“I’ll say!” A high-pitched voice rang out from behind a rack of clothes. A blonde woman with large glasses poked her head out of a mess of gowns. “And to make things worse, I don’t think this is my color.”

The blonde woman waddled out from behind the racks, and I had to slap a hand over my mouth to keep from belting out with laughter. The color wasn’t what was wrong with it. In fact, the lavender shade was the only thing saving the dress— if you could call it that. It was more like one big ball of tulle, shaped in a way that made the wearer look like a massive puff ball. The sleeves were so huge that the woman’s arms stuck straight out, and she couldn’t bend them.

“I designed that dress myself, Odette!” Aunt Imogen shouted. “I think it’s great on you.”

“It makes my ass look huge!” Odette countered. “I look like one big butt cheek!”

I knew her. Odette was one of Kallie’s aunts— an alicorn sorceress, who was married to an alicorn shifter. There was an array of mischievous giggles. Three clones of Odette stepped out from behind the curtains. I assumed they had to be around my age. One of the girls was stuffed into an outfit that made her look like a walking avocado, while her two sisters wore equally outlandish garments— one an outfit that looked like a variety of long stuffed gloves sewn in a mismatched array, another a gown that appeared to be a bunch of pillows taped together.

“Theodora, take that off,” one of the girls snapped, poking the avocado outfit. “You look ridiculous.”

“Absolutely not, Odessa! It’s in style,” Theodora purred.

“Well, I suppose it does suit you, because you’re always green with envy,” Odessa said, fluffing her hair around the pillows.

“Says the girl who’s cosplaying a mattress!” Theodora squawked. “Back me up, Kiara!”

“I’d rather look like a mattress than a hand job,” Kiara said sourly in her glove dress. She'd definitely gotten the worst pick.

The triplets began to squabble. It was hard to tell who was saying what, because all of the triplets sounded identical.

“Girls, please, we don’t have time for this,” Odette told her daughters. “Let’s see the opening dance again.”

Theodora, Kiara, and Odessa lined up on stage before they broke out into a coordinated ballet sequence, which would’ve been lovely to watch… if Odessa hadn’t stepped on Kiara’s glove skirt and caused the three of them to come tumbling down in a heap.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. “What are you guys doing?” I asked with a laugh.

“We’re putting on a fashion show,” Aunt Imogen explained. “It was your friend Marcus’ idea. Help morale around the city and all that.”

“Yeah, except my morale is in the toilet, because this is a disaster!” Odette cracked. “The show is tomorrow, and it couldn’t be more of a mess.”

“Things would’ve been fine if my nephew hadn’t insisted on turning the whole show into a musical.” A petite brunette woman emerged from behind the scenes, holding a collection of sheet music and looking flustered. A white cat purred at her side. She hastily rearranged her sheet music. “I was good to go before Marcus came and made all these changes, and now, I’m more confused than ever.”

“It wasn’t such a bad idea, Talia,” Aunt Imogen started. “Marcus is a good director, and he had some splendid ideas.”

“Except I demanded that I play the lead, because my singing voice is beautiful, and he said no!” Odette squeaked.

Odette broke out into a croaking ballad that made several of the unicorns around us bray.

I winced. “What did Marcus think of all this?”

“Unfortunately, after seeing the first run-through, our director got frustrated. Marcus gave up and went home,” Talia explained. “So Imogen decided you’d be the first one we should call for help. After all, a fashion show endorsed by the princess herself is sure to get attention.”

“I don’t know what to do. Jonah and I spent all week making these dresses, and it’s too late to change them now,” Aunt Imogen moaned.

That explains why they look so ridiculous. “I’m sure if we put our heads together we can think of something,” I insisted. “Run the whole thing over again from the beginning, and I’ll tell you what I think.”

“Very well.” Odette pulled at her dress. “I swear, this gown is giving me a wedgie.”

“As long as a unicorn horn isn’t where it shouldn’t be,” Talia joked.

Odette’s mouth fell open in outrage. “Don’t speak about my husband’s endowments that way!”

A light laugh caught my attention, and I turned my chair. Queen Emmaline was sitting on a stair by the stage. I didn’t know Kallie’s mother would be here. She’d been so quiet I hadn’t noticed… though it was easy to get overlooked when Imogen and Odette were in the same room together.

Queen Emmaline didn’t exactly make me uncomfortable, but she was an intimidating figure. I suppose she had the right to be here just as much as I did, so I did my best to focus on the performance and not on impressing her.

I spent the rest of the afternoon watching the rehearsal. I made some suggestions and helped Aunt Imogen with the alterations for some of the garments. After all, I wasn’t going to put my name on this fashion show unless it was as good as I could possibly make it.

The other models in the show were actually unicorns the girls had dressed up in different outfits. One had a doughnut-shaped hat around her horn with a cape draping down her back that looked like sugar sprinkles, and another was dressed to look like a scarecrow. The unusual garments looked very pretty on the unicorns. I thought Aunt Imogen should start designing clothes for animals instead of people, because they made more sense.

Of course, Oberi insisted she wanted to be a part of the show now, too. My Familiar proudly strutted her stuff up and down the stage in a giant green hat that was adorned with fake flowers. It was so heavy that it almost toppled off her head and killed me on one of the walk-throughs.

Seriously, though. That thing hurt coming down. I was going to have a bruise. By the end of rehearsal, everyone was feeling much better.

“You’ve saved the show, Ava,” Aunt Imogen insisted. “We wouldn’t have known what to do if you hadn’t gotten here. We really needed an outside opinion.”

“Glad I could be of service.” I wasn’t fully on board with the entire production, but I’d done what I could to save it. Odette had insisted on coming down from the ceiling in her puff ball outfit riding a giant plastic banana to start the show, and we hadn’t been able to talk her out of it. She’d declared it would make an impression.

It would certainly do that. However this show performed, it would certainly be one the Elves never forgot.

As I turned away from the stage, Queen Emmaline rose. “Princess. If we could, I think we should have a conversation.”

She wanted to talk to me? Why?

Queen Emmaline wasn’t the kind of person you said no to, and even though this was my kingdom, she was a guest in my court. I wasn’t going to refuse her. “Sure. Where should we go?” I asked.

“I pay for a personal parlor room in the store,” she said. “We can talk there.”

Oberi followed me as I trailed the queen. She came to a white door with golden swirls that was set into the side of the mountain, and she opened it wide for me.

We roamed inside, and I softened at how beautiful it was. We’d ventured into another illusion room. This one had been transformed into a beach, perched at what seemed the edge of the world. It appeared there was a setting sunset on the horizon, bathing the entire beach in shades of pink. On the beach near the water was a table set up with a grouping of chairs. There was a paved area beneath my wheels, so I could roll up to the table easily. There were unicorns here, too, and they frolicked in the water when they saw us approaching.

The queen sat down at the table and ordered tea from a waiter, while I bit into a cupcake that had already been set out.

“What a pretty room,” I remarked. “I love it.”

“I write poetry here. It’s a hobby of mine,” she explained. “The unicorns are inspiring, and sometimes I need a bit of space to myself.”

I understood that. From the pocket of her dress, a little faekin came whizzing out. He was a miniature tiger no bigger than a dragonfly, with monarch butterfly wings and feelers on top of his head. He rubbed his face against the queen’s cheek, then greedily got to licking up a spoonful of honey she set out for him.

“How wonderful! Is he your faekin?” I asked.

“Yes. Tygrys has been my constant companion and protector since I was nineteen,” she replied. “He goes everywhere I do.”

The queen gave Tygrys a cookie to nibble on, which he jealously guarded from Oberi with tiny, growly teeth. She waited until the staff brought the tea, and didn’t begin speaking until we were alone again.

“You have to be wondering why I brought you here.” The queen dropped two sugar cubes into her tea, before silently gesturing if she could give some to Oberi. I nodded, and my unicorn lapped up the sugar cubes in her hand greedily. “If we can, I’d like to get straight to the point.”

“I appreciate that,” I confessed. “I’m not someone who enjoys small talk.”

“I’m not, either.” She tapped her stirring spoon against the teacup. “And I believe this needs to be said, because no one else will say it, and you’ll understand if it comes from me.”

“Please, Queen Emmaline?—”

“Call me Emma. At least, when we’re alone,” she insisted. “I know we have to follow royal protocol, but at heart, I’m still just a fae girl, and always will be.”

I nodded. “Okay. Emma.”

I dared to take another cupcake, because they were really fucking good. “Sorry if I’m awkward. You just seem so… strong.”

“Strong?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. No-nonsense.”

She gave a wistful smile. “That actually encourages me to hear. Reminds me of someone I used to idolize. Perhaps I’ve become a little like her.”

Emma sighed and added, “Well, the point is, I know you have a heavy burden. You’re a royal now, so you have to act like one and manipulate the court in your favor. I want to help make that process easier, if you’re open to the idea. I could tell during your spiritual ceremony that you felt out of place.”

I blew out a breath. “I guess I couldn’t say this to anyone else, but it is hard. I like being a princess, but there are so many things to learn. I wasn’t born into this. I’m the daughter of a chieftain, but Hawkei culture is so different from Elvish. And the Elves have become important to me. They’re now my people, but I feel like I’m going to fail them.”

“It’s typical to feel that way after marrying into a monarchy,” Emma said. “It can be overwhelming at first, but you’ll get used to it.”

“You weren’t born royal, were you? You came from America.”

“I did,” Emma said. “I became queen when my mate ascended to the throne, though I do say he couldn’t have made it without me.”

Her eyes narrowed as she mumbled, “At all.”

“I guess you had a lot to do with it?” I asked.

“We both did a lot of work to save Malovia and become the rulers our country needed us to be, but if I’m speaking bluntly, I put him there. When I became Ethan’s mate, I wasn’t just choosing him, but choosing the crown and all its responsibilities.”

I shrugged. “I guess it wouldn’t have made a difference. I married Charlie knowing who he is. Even if I’d realized the role we’d have to step into down the line, I still would’ve married him.”

“Being a royal becomes you, the longer time passes,” Emma stated. “I can’t imagine not living this life now, but there was a time when I was younger where I really had to weigh if this was what I wanted.”

“How did you deal with the pressure?”

“I had a great many mentors who believed in me,” Emma said. “And I wanted to change things in Malovia for the better, no matter what the cost. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do that unless my mate and I were the ones in charge. The fae are a stubborn people— but I’m worse. I was determined to set things right and get my way. And in the twenty years that my husband and I ruled, we certainly pushed things in the right direction.”

“People say you’re the greatest fae queen there ever was,” I whispered in near awe.

Emma scoffed. “They certainly didn’t talk like that when I was first crowned.”

“You moved an Elven city from Edinmyre to Earth. That’s an incredible feat.”

“Perhaps. It’s not that impressive. It’s just what had to be done.”

I wasn’t buying it. No other fae on this planet would be able to do that but Emma. She’d accomplished something amazing, and no matter how high the queen’s standards were, she was more powerful than I had anticipated her being.

“It’s still a big deal,” I stated. “I can’t imagine anyone going up against you.”

“Anything worth doing is going to meet with opposition, and quite frankly, the fae are assholes,” Emma replied. “They worship me now, but it took years of ruling with grit and iron to get them to see things like I did. I was never cruel, but I wasn’t going to allow hatred and bigotry to exist in Malovia if I had something to say about it.”

“I want to be like that.” I leaned closer. “I want to be a good Empress, someone people talk about for ages after I’m gone.”

“Consider yourself lucky— you already have an advantage. The Elves nearly consider you a deity, so they’ll be easily persuaded. But that’s a heavy responsibility in itself. You’re young, so you’re going to make mistakes. All rulers do. The best advice I can give you is to think of the world before yourself. And don’t make a move until you’re certain your orders are going to help more people than they hurt… because someone always gets hurt at the end of the day, Ava. You can’t prevent that as a princess. Only try to mitigate the damage.”

“I don’t believe that,” I argued. “Charlie and I agreed we’re going to make a better world for everyone.”

Emma gave a thin smile. “You’ll learn.”

Oberi was begging for another sugar cube, rubbing her soft lips on Emma’s shoulder. She fed the unicorn another, then gave Tygrys a second spoon of honey. “My daughter told me about your… death, so to say, after your encounter in the Infernal Underground. Firstly, I would like to apologize. No one should have to go through such a thing. I should be the first one to know.”

I had heard the stories. “You went to the afterlife and returned too, didn’t you?”

Emma went slightly pale, but I didn’t see any other signs of her inward crumble. “I did. I had to imprison an evil entity on my quest, a very powerful dark creature. He wasn’t easy to defeat. Putting him back in his grave took my life, as my prophecy had foretold.”

“Yet your gods allowed you to return.”

“They did. Someone I loved very much took my place.” She gave a sad smile. “I had to leave them behind, as well as my goddess, Milonna. I haven’t seen her since I departed the fae afterlife, the Great Hunting Grounds, and I miss her dearly.”

“Why’d you come back if the Great Hunting Grounds were so wonderful?”

“I returned for my husband. I wanted to live a full life with him, and I felt cheated that I hadn't been given that.”

“But you came back,” I said. “Just like me.”

“Yes.” She nodded. “But I didn’t come back the same.”

I got it. Probably a little too well. “I wish others could understand. I’ve tried to make them get it, but they can’t.”

“Because no one will ever be able to comprehend what we’ve been through except each other,” Emma told me. “You and I are the only ones I know of that have been to the land of the dead, existed amongst them as the dead, then returned to life on Earth. It’s not enough to merely visit the spiritual realm and understand what it’s like. You give up yourself as you die. Your soul becomes different. So walking amongst the living afterward, who have no idea what that experience is like, feels… empty.”

I fiddled with my teacup. “Marcus said his parents visited one of the afterlives during their quest.”

“Yes, but visiting it as a living person and being a part of it as a deceased individual isn’t the same,” Emma noted. “You and I both thought we were there to stay once we arrived, and then we had to leave. It’s confusing to our souls, not to mention our mortal bodies remember dying, and what it’s like to be dead. So it feels off to be living and breathing. Though we’re happy to be alive, we’re also sad we’re not… there.”

Ancestors, she understood exactly how I felt. “Being in the Ancestral Lands… it was the most unconditional kind of love,” I said. “I’ve never experienced anything like it. I love others, and others love me, but nothing comes close to that feeling of peace and complete acceptance on the other side. And I was fine— it was the people back on Earth grieving me who weren’t.”

My throat constricted. “I came back because of Charlie. I definitely would’ve stayed in the Ancestral Lands if he hadn’t called for me.”

Emma nodded. “The things we do for our mates. You have a soul bond with Charlie as well. Though from what I understand, it goes deeper than other bonds I’ve heard of.”

“It can be all-encompassing sometimes,” I admitted. “We’re not just soulmates, we share a soul. Things have stopped being about me or him, and have become about us. And I like it that way, because I think we work best when we’re acting as one being, instead of two separate people. It’s the way our magic works. But I love him so much that sometimes, that love is scary. I don’t know what I would do without him.”

I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “Though there’s one thing he can’t really understand. My brain’s never been right, but things have gotten worse since I came back. It’s hard for me to remember things from the Ancestral Lands. I get mixed up on what happened and what I’m making up. Part of me still thinks I died young— because I did— and the other part thinks that since I’m alive here, that never happened. Because logically, it couldn’t have happened if I’m still around. I have a hard time keeping things straight.”

“I believe that’s normal. Our soul isn’t able to comprehend how powerful the spiritual realm is when it’s stuck in a mortal body,” Emma explained. “I have trouble with that, too. You’re not crazy. Just trying to figure out what’s real and what’s in your head. Though that doesn’t help, because I suppose it’s all in your head.”

“I’m just trying to put the pieces back together, one step at a time,” I hushed. “But there are gaps. And I’m never going to be able to see the whole picture until my soul goes somewhere else.”

“It’s not a simple process. I’ve had to deal with this alone for almost twenty years,” Emma said quietly. “And though I’m sad that you had to go through it, too, it makes me happy I have someone to share this experience with, because we can lean on each other.”

My eyes watered. “Thank you, Emma. I’m… I’m really glad you understand.”

We sat in silence for a moment. I played with my napkin and said, “It’s too bad Kallie’s not here. She used to tell me she missed tea parties back in Malovia. It’d be nice, the three of us.”

Emma chewed slowly on a cupcake. “I asked her to come today, and she didn’t show. She has to go through the grieving process, because her mating bond didn’t turn out to be the happy ending fae society promises.”

“What do you think she should do?” I dared to raise my eyes.

“I’ll support whatever Kallie needs. I told her before her bond was broken to keep fighting for Marcus. But now that bond is gone, and I understand why she’s tired of trying.” Emma frowned. “Losing a mate is a devastating experience. It’s soul-damaging. I nearly went through it myself. I think she and Marcus would be good together. But that’s only if they can get out of their own way, and it seems too late to turn back now.”

“Maybe,” I said sadly. “Losing a bond is the hardest thing I could imagine.”

It was unfathomable to think about losing that connection to Charlie. I wouldn’t want to live anymore. Yet Kallie seemed like she’d needed the bond to break, so she could heal herself. I was both proud of her that she could be that strong, and sad things hadn’t worked out.

“Let’s hope they can keep working together,” Emma added. “Because even though their bond is broken, I’m not convinced they can cut each other off completely.”

I really hoped so, too. I went to say something else, but the door to the room creaked open. Aunt Imogen stuck her head in. “Ava, I hate to bother you, but Ezekiel is asking you to swing by as soon as you can.”

She closed the door, and Oberi nickered. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I can stay?—”

“It’s fine.” Emma put her teacup down wistfully. “I said what I needed to. Go spend some time with your brother.”

Her eyes glimmered as she whispered, “It’s more important than you know.”

I said goodbye, and Tygrys waved his feelers in farewell. The servants took me back to the palace, Eldin following behind. All of our friends had rooms in Charlie’s quarters, and Ez and Opal shared one there. I noticed my handmaiden wasn’t around as I entered the space. I told Eldin to stand guard outside.

My brother was pacing on the balcony. He looked… nervous. Tahoma was spread out across the bed and snoring loudly. Apparently he wasn’t worried about Ez’s freakout.

“You’re the only one who can summon a princess and get away with it,” I said as I approached my brother. “Look how much I love you.”

“Thanks for coming by on such short notice,” he said. “I didn’t want to lose my nerve. It’s about Opal.”

I gave a dramatic sigh. “This again? Look, Ez, I’m sorry that you’re tired of other guys hitting on her. I don’t know how many times I gotta tell you, but Opal’s technically an available lady. My lady. The Elf dudes at the palace couldn’t give a flying fuck if you’re her boyfriend. All of them want to elevate their positions, and marrying the princess’s handmaiden makes them look good to the Emperor. If you want to keep her, you’re gonna have to lock that shit down.”

Ez took a breath. “Actually… that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Ez dug in his pocket. He took out a tiny box and opened it. Inside was a rose-gold engagement band with a fire opal set into the center.

“Well?” he burst anxiously.

“No way.” I looked up. “You’re really gonna ask?”

“Well, since she’s your lady, you technically have to approve any marriage proposals she’s given,” Ez said sheepishly. “And I figured I’d better ask you now, before you get pissed off at me for some stupid thing and tell me no.”

“I wouldn’t do that, shut up.” I leaned closer to inspect the ring. “That’s a pretty nice gemstone.”

“Yeah, it is. I don’t know when I’m gonna ask her, but when I found this ring, I decided I should go for it.” He shrugged. “What do you think?”

“Wow, Ez.” I looked up at him. “Have you talked to Mama and Daddy about this?”

“Yeah, and they’re on board. They know I’m gonna do it anyway, whether they approve or not, and she’s the one.” Ez swallowed as he put the ring back in his pocket. “I think we’ll wait to get married until the war’s over, though. I want this wedding to be about her, and I know Opal. She won’t focus on planning stuff because she’ll be too busy worrying about what’s going on out there. Not to mention med school is kicking my ass right now. I need to focus on passing some classes before I can actually tie the knot.”

“I’m happy for you guys. Really.” I leaned back in my chair. “You ready to be a dad?”

“I’ve been ready. I love Marina, and she loves me. Opal’s daughter is the best, and I want to be her dad. I know you think this is fast, which is why I’m gonna give it some more time before I ask her, but I’ve made up my mind.”

“Then I’ll support you.” I reached out and gave him a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Ez. You’re going to be a great husband, and you’ll make Opal happy.”

“I hope so,” he said, and he gave an anxious laugh. “I guess we’ll have to see, right?”

There wasn’t any doubt in my mind. I knew they’d be happy together. And it would be nice to attend a big, fancy wedding, since I hadn’t gotten one of my own. I couldn’t wait to help Opal with whatever she needed.

Though I hoped the day would actually come. Ez didn’t want to marry Opal until after the war, and who knew how long things would drag out.

I hoped love would find a way through all things, but I wasn’t sure if it would. Not when the world was this dark.

I felt the world tilt as my mind twisted, and my stomach lurched as I saw The Beast appear in a darkened corner. There he was, looming in the back of the room and observing me with a cruel smile. His gaze nearly promised that Ez and Opal would never get to be husband and wife, because he would kill them both before they had a chance to wed.

Over my dead body.

“You okay, Ava?” Ez asked warily. He knew when I was slipping; he’d grown up alongside me and could see the signs.

I glared at The Beast, refusing to take my eyes off of his as I replied, “Of course, Ez. Everything’s just fine.”