Chapter 26

After I pull into our garage, I sit there for a minute to figure things out. I’m going to see Ben in the immediate future and I have to figure out what I’m going to say to him. How am I supposed to explain why I was two hours late?

Traffic was really, really bad during the fifteen-minute drive from the hospital.

It was such a nice evening, I decided to take the scenic route home via Connecticut.

Two words: Time warp.

Or, I suppose, I could tell the truth. It was just a kiss after all. I wasn’t the one to initiate it.

And anyway, this is his fault. He’s the one who said he didn’t think he wanted to be with me and that he was going to stay at a hotel. How was I supposed to know that he’d changed his mind and was suddenly sorry?

I’m sure he heard the garage door open, so I know I don’t have forever. I finally get out of the car and enter the house as quietly as I can. Maybe he’s asleep. Maybe he just plum forgot that we had a gigantic fight and I decided to come home two hours late without any explanation.

No such luck. Ben is standing in the living room to greet me when I walk in. He isn’t smiling. He actually looks awful . His hair is standing up in ten different directions, his face is unshaven, his shirt is smeared with peanut butter (I hope that’s peanut butter), and his eyes are wet and red-rimmed. Oh my God, has he been crying ? Seriously?

I’ve never seen Ben cry before. Maybe a tear or two when Leah was born, but that was it.

Christ, this is bad.

“Jane,” he says when he sees me. And before I can get out a word, he comes over to me and throws his arms around me. He holds me close to his warm body, whispering into my neck, “I was so worried…”

“Sorry about that,” I manage. I pull away from him and he releases me somewhat reluctantly. “My clinic… ran late.”

Is that the lie I’m going with? Guess so.

“And I didn’t see your text messages,” I babble on. “I mean, not until I was already driving and by then—”

“I’m sorry,” Ben interrupts me.

I blink up at him. “What?”

“About last night,” he says, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The things I said to you… I can’t believe I said all that. I just… I’ve been doing this project for work and it’s all gone to hell lately and it’s really frustrating. More than frustrating—all I do is stare at screens of code until I want to poke my eyes out. And then I look at you being so successful and I just felt like… I don’t know… inadequate . I felt like you wouldn’t understand. Not that that’s an excuse, but…” He shakes his head. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

I don’t know what to say to that. He sure sounded like he meant it last night. And it’s not like this was an isolated incident.

“Okay, that’s a lie,” he admits. “I did mean some of it. It’s been… rough lately.” He sighs and looks away from me. “I’ve been having so much trouble focusing on work lately and when I stayed that extra time at my mother’s house, it was just… so peaceful. I admit it—it was nice. But…” He bites his lip. “Look, I’m not being entirely honest with you about what happened last night.”

My stomach churns. What happened last night? Was there another woman involved? If there was, it would certainly make things easier guilt-wise, but the thought of Ben being with another woman makes me feel physically ill.

“I did go to a hotel,” he says softly. “I paid for a room and I went up there, thinking I’d at least spend the night. But then… the second I walked in, it just felt wrong . I knew I had made a horrible mistake. All I could think about was how miserable I’d feel if I never got to spend another night with you. So I left and came back home.”

“Oh,” I murmur. So he really did mean to leave me. It wasn’t just talk.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. His eyes fill with tears. Honest to God, tears . “I know I fucked up. We were just fighting so much and I was so frustrated with work and… no excuses though.” He takes a deep breath. “I’ll do anything to make things right between us again. Anything . I’ll go to counseling, I’ll build a temple in your honor—whatever you want. I love you. I mean, Leah’s my daughter and all, but you’re the one I’m going to grow old with.”

I allow my eyes to meet his. “I want to grow old with you too.”

He reaches out and gently eases his warm fingers into mine. “You’re the one whose hand I’m going to be holding in our matching rocking chairs on the patio.”

“Is that what you fantasize about?” I tease him gently. “Matching rocking chairs on the patio?”

“Hell yeah.” He manages a smile. “And matching walkers. And dentures. We’re going to be the envy of all the old people on the block.”

I return his smile. The great thing about Ben is that he was always the kind of guy I could imagine getting old with. I never felt that way about Ryan, even when things were at their best. That was sort of prophetic, considering he’s not going to get old with anybody.

“But when you didn’t come home tonight…” he says. “I just thought I blew it…”

I swallow hard. This is the tricky part. I can’t lie to him. If we’re going to have a fresh start, I need to be honest. But then again, if I tell him the truth, I don’t know how he’ll react. It was just a kiss. But still, no man is going to want to hear that his wife kissed another man.

“Ben…” I begin.

Ben looks at me and his eyes fill with tears again. And that’s when I realize that he knows. Maybe he doesn’t know everything, but he knows something went on tonight. He saw those text messages from Ryan on my phone. He knows that he walked out on me and how awful that must have made me feel. And he isn’t a complete idiot.

“Ben,” I say again.

“No,” he whispers. “It’s okay. You don’t have to… listen, I love you. Whatever you have to say, just don’t say it. Okay, Jane?”

I nod.

He pulls me to him again. We stay that way, embracing in the living room of our home, for a long, long time. I love Ben so much. We’re going to be old people on the porch together someday. And I tell myself that tonight will be the very last time I ever see or speak to Ryan Reilly.

I couldn’t possibly know how wrong I turn out to be.