Chapter 14

Iyla

I STILL COULDN’T BELIEVE HOW I’d opened up to Zagan. I’d never dared to speak about my feelings on how I lived, yet the person I chose to disclose that to was a demon ?

My lips and mind had seemed to loosen under Zagan’s influence. After having mind-blowing sex right there in a room full of people, something had changed inside of me. I kinda felt like a badass for doing something so daring and taking control of what happened, so afterward, the words and confessions just came easy.

His words of comfort helped, too.

So let’s find out together.

The mere idea of even trying to talk to my mom about potentially having a bit more freedom—less random check-ins, deciding what I wore for myself, listening to music again—terrified me. But I didn’t have to figure out who I was alone. Zagan offering to be beside me for the journey made it seem less daunting, if not a little exciting and nerve-wracking. Thinking back on his offer caused my heart to beat harder in a way that startled me.

It wasn’t like he had a choice. We were bound to each other for the rest of my life, so he had to be along for the ride. That was probably the only reason he offered.

Still, his inspiring words had me believing that maybe I could talk to Mom. There was nothing wrong with having a conversation about me gaining a bit more wiggle room. I could be my own person with my own ideas and desires.

Now that I was back in my quiet, lonely apartment, though, the confidence I’d felt with him rapidly dwindled. While at the club, a place full of demons in this seemingly other world, life felt separate from this one where my mother existed. I felt safer from her and the reality of my situation, but that sense of strength and security was gone now. I was back in my mother’s domain, and now, I questioned if Zagan really knew what he was talking about. I questioned if I knew what I’d been saying.

My mom was brilliant, and she just wanted what was best for me. What was wrong with wanting to make her proud?

I wanted Mom to accept me and love who I was as a daughter. So I pushed aside what Zagan and I talked about as I prepped for midterms.

I spent all of Saturday organizing my notes from the semester and going over them. I rewatched any lecture I had a video of and reworked old homework problems. By the time Sunday morning rolled around, my eyes felt full of sand, and when I sat down at my kitchen island to get back to work, my brain felt like putty. It desperately needed a break from philosophy of law, public policy, and government.

My fingers twitched with a need to relieve the stress by doing what I loved. I stared at my hands, which were ready to move over ghost keys, but instead of playing a nonexistent piano on my cold countertop, I curled my fingers inward and took a deep breath.

Coffee. I just needed some coffee.

And Nahla.

I grabbed my phone and called my best friend. It was nine in the morning on a Sunday, so I wasn’t sure if she was actually awake, yet. Still, I needed to hear her voice to distract me from the tightening in my chest as I ignored the need to get lost in Bach or Mozart.

“Perfect timing,” her voice suddenly said from the other end of the line.

I nearly dropped the glass coffee pot when I realized she was actually awake. “Wow. You’re up,” I said disbelievingly, holding the coffee pot under the sink faucet to fill it up. “Why’s it perfect timing?”

“Because I’m coming up your apartment elevator right now.”

Instantly perking up, I rushed to my door. I peeked my head out just as Nahla appeared at the other end of the hall. Her long hair had been straightened and partly pinned back with a gold clip. She wore a thin gold turtleneck, black pants, and held two cups of coffee from a nearby café.

Awake and dressed? Was the world ending?

“I’ve brought the goods,” Nahla announced, holding out one of the cups for me.

“Perfect,” I said, taking it and letting her in. “I was just about to make some.”

She dropped her purse by the island and collapsed onto the barstool beside mine. I immediately joined her and sipped on the warm brew as I eyed her expectantly. She was being oddly quiet, and she was up before noon on a Sunday.

I stared at her while she looked around the apartment, seemingly too afraid to meet my eyes.

“Nahla,” I said slowly. My heart was beginning to pound harder as potential reasons for her odd behavior darted through my head.

Was she pregnant?

Was she sick?

Was her sister, Noya, hurt?

Had Noya dropped some secrets, and it was actually Gemma who was hurt?

“Is that a new couch?” she asked, pointing at it with a forced edge of normalcy to her tone.

I couldn’t tear my eyes from her face. “No. It’s the same couch I’ve always had.”

“Really? It looks—”

“Spill it, Nahla,” I demanded quickly. “You’re freaking me out. What’s going on?”

Her mouth clamped shut, and she finally faced me. I held my breath as she took a deep one herself. “I …”

I couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. I was ready to pass out from the anxiety soaring through me right now.

She covered her face with her hands and peeked at me between her parted fingers. “I went on a date.”

My eyes doubled in size, and I leaned forward to grab her hands to pull them off her face. “What?” I squeaked, bringing out my inner boiling teapot.

She blushed. Actually blushed . I’d never seen Nahla blush .

My heart raced for a whole new reason now as the fear slipped away and excitement took its place.

“You went on a date?” I asked in a string of words. “This morning? With who?”

“Do you remember Iseul? The girl we met at the Sinners Do It Better VIP party?”

Iseul. She’d been the quieter of her trio of friends, the one with the black bob. She’d also been the one Nahla had been eating out while getting pummeled from behind by Dante.

I flashed her a knowing smirk. “I remember.”

She laughed. “Yeah, well, she and I hit it off. Obviously . We exchanged numbers and have been talking ever since. We went to the movies last night and got coffee this morning.”

I shoved her in the arm. “How could you not tell me this was happening, you jerk?”

She ducked her head and fiddled with the lid of her coffee cup. “I know. I just wasn’t sure, yet. You know me. I don’t do dates. I don’t do serious. But Iseul … she’s different. She … makes me happy. Really happy.”

I squealed and threw my arms around Nahla, overjoyed to hear how great this new person in her life made her feel. It also made me think about the new person in my life and how I’d not divulged that information to her. But how did I explain it? Zagan and I weren’t dating by any means. I wasn’t even sure if we were friends. We were more like business partners—each offering the other a service in exchange for something.

But I definitely couldn’t say that.

My phone buzzed then. Nahla and I looked at it at the same time, and when I unlocked my phone, I saw a text from an unknown number. His number. I’d forgotten to save it as anything.

?: Come over.

Nahla grabbed my phone and pulled it closer to her face. “Who is this?” She scrolled to see the previous messages before I could snatch it back. “Why do they have a photo—” Her eyes widened. “‘Let’s fuck.’” She dropped the phone to the counter and grabbed my arms with a strength wrestlers would be envious of. “Iyla Marie Winters, who the hell is that, and why are they asking to fuck?”

I cringed.

Nice timing, Zagan.

“I-I wasn’t sure what it was, yet,” I said carefully, repeating her own explanation to me. “I still don’t, to be honest.”

She held up a manicured finger to stop my words. “Are you telling me you lost your fucking V-card, and you didn’t tell me?”

Guilt pricked at my insides. Even if I didn’t know how to explain what happened between Zagan and I that night, I should’ve told Nahla. We shared everything with each other, yet I’d kept something huge from her.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized softly. “I wasn’t sure how to say it. Just like how you don’t date, I don’t do … that . I think I’ve been too afraid to say it out loud. Like if I do, I’m somehow admitting my shortcomings to Mom, even if she isn’t here to hear me.”

Nahla squeezed my hand. “Babe, there is nothing wrong with what you choose to do with your body. If you want to have sex as the adult that you are, you can do that.”

My throat clogged with emotion, and I found it too hard to speak. I nodded so she knew I heard her, but I wasn’t sure if I believed it. Not when my mom had taught me how wrong it was or how dirty it made me to want or like those things.

“I know it must’ve taken a lot of courage for you to do it,” Nahla continued. “So I won’t hold it against you for not telling me. This time . But you better tell me every detail from here on out. Starting with who this is.” She tapped her finger on my locked phone.

I nibbled my lip nervously, because that was going to be yet another huge shock for her. I decided the best way to tell her was to just come out and say it, like ripping off a band-aid. “It’s Zagan.”

She stared at me, completely frozen. Seconds ticked by, and she still hadn’t moved. I started to fear I’d broken her when she finally blinked and said, “Come again?”

I nodded like I, too, struggled to understand it. “It’s Zagan.”

“Zagan,” she repeated, sounding each syllable out like the name didn’t make sense on her tongue. “As in, Sinners Do It Better?”

I swallowed and bobbed my head once.

Her chin nearly hit the floor. “ What ? You—You’re—Holy fucking shit! Are you serious? You’re joking. Oh my God. You’re dating Zagan ?”

I quickly shook my head. “No. We’re not dating . We’re—” I sighed with a shrug of my shoulders. “It’s complicated. I’m not sure what we are.”

Her mouth was still a gaping hole, so I placed a finger under her chin and closed it. “Careful. You’ll catch a bug like that.”

“I can’t believe you’re fucking Zagan,” she breathed out in a string of words. “Like, you’re partners. He’s texting you.”

I grabbed my phone to read his text again. Last time I’d taken too long to respond, he popped in. Not wanting a repeat of that, I quickly typed out a reply.

I’m studying for midterms today.

“Studying my ass ,” Nahla shouted. “You already know everything.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know everything . So dramatic.”

“You know everything for these stupid exams,” she argued, gesturing to all my notes and books still littering the counter.

My phone buzzed again.

?: Bring it with you then. I need that pretty pussy on my cock. Maybe I can fuck you while you study.

Nahla choked on her coffee, completely oblivious to the brew now dripping down her chin and onto her sweater. “Oh, hell yes. You’re going.”

“Nahla—”

She snatched my phone and typed out a reply for me, letting him know I was going to get ready and be there soon. She beamed at me as she handed me my phone back. “You’re going. So get out of those pajamas, and get your ass in gear. I’ll be waiting to hear all the dirty details later.”