Chapter 14

P retending everything is okay when my life is falling apart is unexpectedly easy. But maybe it's because Kate and Tami get along well, and we spend the weekend focusing on ourselves with self-care. They even drag me to a proper salon where I get a bikini wax because shaving isn't apparently enough.

The girls insist that it's "just in case" my date with Oli goes well. I know nothing will happen, but they refuse to hear it.

I forgot how much that shit hurt, and as I'm holding my knees against my chest so the technician can work her magic way down there, I wonder why the fuck we do this to ourselves.

My blonde friend hasn't peeped a word about Friday evening's events, but I know she's dying to hear some details. Kate is too smart not to have figured out what happened, but she understands the matter isn't funny or up for debate.

Sunday night provides little rest, even though I have the bed to myself again. I keep tossing and turning, wondering how things will be in the morning. There's a reason bosses and employees don't mingle, and I'm living it.

By the time my alarm rings in the morning, I slept for three hours at best, and I'm in no shape to face whatever the day will throw at me. I consider calling in sick, but it's too cowardly.

So, I get ready and go to work, bottling everything up.

To my relief, Lex isn't in his office yet. The strong facade I built deflates at once, relieved to see the confrontation won't happen right away. I sit on my chair, and as my computer boots, I stare at my keyboard, holding my head between my hands, elbows on the glass desk .

Today, Steven and Mason start their work on the app. I already devised a schedule and prepared the scripts they'll work on first, but Lex hasn't gone through it yet.

It won't do any harm to debrief them, so I head downstairs. A mini heart attack strikes me as soon as I enter the Troll's Lair.

He's there. Lex is at his desk with the guys.

Is he avoiding me, or is he needed down here?

"Hi, guys," I say, hoping I sound natural. They lift their heads and greet me back, except for Lex, who imperceptibly tenses.

Oliver gives me a wink and a grin when our eyes meet on my way to Steven, and I smile back, a little awkwardly.

I spend a solid hour there, talking to Steven then Mace. They don't seem to take the fact that I'm the project leader poorly, even though I'm the most recent hire. Selling my app to Kelex, which was such a huge personal accomplishment, is now tainted by the fact that Lex has been wanting me for God knows how long.

Surrounded by my colleagues, I wonder what they'd think if they knew. Would they imagine that I seduced our boss? Would they think I slept with him in exchange for all this?

I feel dizzy when I realize I'm not even sure of Lex's motives anymore. Yes, my app is amazing and perfect for Kelex. But did he push for the sale to get in my panties? Was this why he helped me get the best deal?

Before that dreaded kiss, I felt like a boss-ass bitch, a programmer extraordinaire. But now, I feel like a fraud, a naive imbecile.

Even when I return to Lex's empty office, I can't fully relax. Despite trying to focus, I'm constantly distracted by the fact that he might come in at any second. Every time I hear someone's footsteps, I tense, and every single time someone knocks on a door in the hallway, my heart drops—even though Lex doesn't knock, a fact I'm well aware of.

After lunch with Tami, Dakota, and Kat, I go upstairs again.

The office isn't empty.

Lex is on his computer, working on something. Our eyes meet over his screens, and I hold his gaze for as long as I can—not very long—before looking away and moving for my seat.

"Don't worry. I just need a few things, and I'll get back downstairs," he coldly explains.

Does this mean he's working downstairs to avoid me? We're grown adults. It's ridiculous to go to these lengths. Even if it was the most incredible kiss of my life, and I almost got his dick inside me in the process.

"Don't feel obliged to do so on my account," I say, trying to be professional. "It was just a kiss. "

His gray eyes instantly seek mine, dark and angry behind his glasses.

Although many thoughts seem to cross his mind, he doesn't say anything and returns to his screen. I sit down to get back to work, tired of feeling like shit all the time. We remain in utter silence for a long time, and my attention span becomes that of a four-year-old. I end up breaking the ongoing cold war out of necessity.

"Would you mind checking the shared calendar and telling me if everything seems alright?" I try to give my voice an assertiveness I'm definitely not feeling.

"I've gone through it already. I didn't see anything wrong." From him, it's almost a compliment.

About half an hour later, I'm alone again. I let out a long sigh, the tension leaving my body slowly. I hope things settle down soon because this isn't a sustainable work environment.

And I have more important things to care about.

Like my date with Oli.

W ith every day that passes, this tension between Lex and me becomes a little worse. We both pretend the kiss never happened and ignore each other's existence.

On the other end, Oli grows on me more and more with his gentleness, humor, and attentiveness… There's something about him that soothes me, something that I crave lately.

Hopefully, our date will finally get some sparks going, and I'll develop sensuous feelings for him—something I'm pretty sure would have happened without our infuriating boss in the picture.

Tamika is sitting on my bed as I browse through my things for our date in less than an hour. When she snaps her fingers to get my attention, I twist around, holding a white dress.

"I know you wore it recently, but the black dress you had for the sale's dinner looks amazing on you. And Oli hasn't seen it yet, so he won't mind."

I shake my head, determined not to wear that dress ever again. It can be thrown into an incinerator for all I care. By the twelfth outfit that gets discarded, I'm starting to understand why some girls take hours to get ready. This is draining. Especially since I need three approvals: mine, Tami's, and Kate's—via a video call.

The final choice is a black bell skirt with a lace overlay and a white, off-the-shoulder boho crop top. The ensemble is cute and in good taste, perfect for a first date. This time, I wear modest heels, and Tami helps me again with my makeup.

She's rooting so hard for this date to succeed that she even lends me a pair of large gold hoops and a matching necklace that highlights my neck and collarbones.

After a massive hug and the promise of my abuela's chilaquiles to thank her, I leave. On my way out, I utter a silent prayer to whatever gods might be listening—Hindu, Norse, Muslim, Greek, Jewish… any of them, I'm not picky.

Please make it so everything goes perfectly. Make it so my unwanted obsession with my boss transfers to Oli.

Lex is a matter of the flesh, and Oli is a matter of the mind. And I'm pretty strong-minded.

I learned my lesson, so I take a cab this time. The driver drops me at the corner, fifty yards from where Oliver is waiting for me, pacing anxiously. With an amused smile, I approach my date on foot, unnoticed. He's wearing an elegant outfit—camel pants, a white T-shirt, a navy blue jacket, and, on his feet, immaculate white Vans.

When I come closer, he notices my presence and turns to me. Tami's great work makes his jaw drop slightly.

"Hi," I greet once I'm before him.

He remains flabbergasted for a short moment before shaking himself out of it. "Sorry, I'm— Wow… Andy, you look—" Short of words, he shakes his head again.

"I take it Tamika did a good job, then," I say coyly, spinning to show off the extent of her miracle.

"You're always pretty, but now, I'm really wondering how a guy like me could get a date with a girl like you."

"You look pretty good yourself, Oliver Paulson. And don't worry, I'll get back to my Chucks and superhero tees in no time," I joke, sliding my arm through his. "So, where are you taking me?"

"The best Korean restaurant in the city, according to Yelp," he explains with pride, cleverly disclosing he did his homework to woo me.

"Really?!"

"Yeah, you told me you've always wanted to go there. This is the next best thing I could think of."

Our arms remain interlocked the whole walk there, about a block away, and he only lets go to open the door for me.

"Good evening," a middle-aged woman welcomes us as we enter. She's even shorter than me and has a thick Korean accent. The quaint little place is sleek and tasteful, with minimal decor and elegant furniture .

"Good evening," Oli greets her. "I have a reservation under Paulson."

"Ah! Yes! You're finally here. This is the girl?" she asks, looking at me with curiosity. Oli nods, and she smirks. "She's very pretty. Worth the wait."

I let that sink in as we follow her to our table.

"Have you eaten here before?" I ask Oli once we're alone with our menus.

"No, it's my first time here."

"Oh, she seemed very friendly."

"I guess she got more invested in this date with every call I made to postpone the reservation."

Fuck, right… "Sorry about that."

"Don't be. You were doing big, big things. Which, by the way, we need to talk about because I'm not sure I'm up to date."

I have no doubt that Oli and I are highly compatible, but the evening more than confirms it. Our brain chemistry matches, and there isn't one moment of silence throughout our entire meal. We essentially have the same humor, and the anecdotes we share never fail to work on the other one. Our similarities were never as evident as tonight, and I often find myself thinking of what a great couple we'd make. It seems impossible we'd even argue, and I already know our matching taste in movies and hobbies would provide us with endless discussions and activities.

The restaurant is a bullseye, perfect in so many aspects. The food is so stellar that I can cross Korea off my bucket list. Ain't no way it gets any better than this.

At some point, long after the dessert plates are gone, he admits to having never seen Jaws , and it properly shocks me. "What! How is that even possible?"

"I don't know, I just never got to watch it," he defends himself with a laugh.

"We have to fix this right now! Okay. You get the check, I get an Uber, and we go to my place to watch it after we pay. I'm not letting you live another day without having seen Jaws ."

He tenses for a split second, but I barely pay attention to it, already whipping out my phone from my tiny purse to get us a car. Eventually, he complies. By the time he's back, I have secured our ride to my apartment.

"Do they take credit cards?" I ask.

"It's all paid for, don't worry."

"What? Oli, we should have split."

"Call me old school, but I like to pay on a first date. "

I open my mouth to insist but close it abruptly. Somehow, it momentarily slipped my mind that we were on a date. And now we're heading back to my place after a lovely dinner. We ate, drank, talked, laughed… And we're now going where my bed is. Is Oli thinking about that, too?

There's nothing about the way he is acting that indicates any expectation. He doesn't strike me as pushy, so when he agrees to come home for a movie, I'm sure that's okay with him and it's all he expects. But… still…

Maybe it's my realization, maybe it's the unspoken possibility of what comes next, but for the first time tonight, we're out of things to say. That silence lingers as we walk to the corner where the Uber will pick us up, and I have no idea what to do to lighten the mood. Now that the sun is down, it's much colder out here. Maybe I can mention that to get us back on track.

I must have shivered because as I'm observing the street, watching out for our car, Oli's warm jacket slips over my shoulders.

"How is it that women never take a jacket or something when they go out?" he humorously asks.

"Well, I don't know about other women, but I can't wear one with this top. It would ruin the fit."

He chuckles, shaking his head. "You'd look lovely in anything. I'll always remember the day you arrived in that Hulk T-shirt, surprising everyone. I'd never seen a geek that pretty. And then you worked on that script and showed me I had never seen one that smart either."

When I turn to him, slightly shocked by his bold declaration, his eyes stare into mine. I can read many things in them, including a few I'm not ready for yet.

Some strong emotion causes my chest to tighten. As much as I wish it were desire or love, it's mostly guilt. I want his compliments to make something flutter in my stomach, like when Lex gives me the tiniest bit of attention. I want Oli to awaken something in me I didn't know existed—like Lex did. I want to want Oli because he's what I need, what's best for me. By a whole fucking mile.

A car stops next to us, breaking the moment, and the driver rolls his window down. "Are you Andrea?"

"Yes, that's me."

Oli, who can do no wrong, opens the door for me. I climb into the sleek black Honda, then slide to the other seat to allow him inside. The car takes off, and I get lost in my thoughts again.

But they aren't about Oliver.

Why do I crave Alexander so much? Why do I harbor so many fantasies about him? Why can't I get over the passionate kiss we exchanged last week ?

I don't even like the man. The little I know isn't to my taste. It makes no sense why I'd be so absurdly into him when I can barely stand him. What kind of fucked-up primitive impulse is that? Fuck the smart and athletic man, have his babies, and ensure the longevity and success of your lineage? I'm not a brainless animal living on instinct. I have a fully developed frontal lobe and free will. I don't have to feel like that for Lex.

I shouldn't wish so hard that the drunk group never stopped us, that we fucked in his car right there, that we spent the rest of the night in my bed, trying out every position we could come up with. I shouldn't wish I knew what it's like to have him ramming inside me, to know the sensation of his hammering dick as he makes me come hard.

"I'm thrilled we finally got to do this," Oli lets out beside me, ripping me away from my thoughts.

Shame. An enormous amount of shame takes over me. I'm right here next to Oli, out on a date with him, and my thoughts are of Alexander fucking Coleman. Not only that, but I'm growing wet at the idea of him fucking me.

I try to stop myself, but I can't. My head is filled with images of Friday night, flashing in my brain, awaking lustful needs—needs I'd give anything to feel for the man sitting beside me.

Maybe it's time to take the matter into my own hands. Time to make it happen.

So, I do just that, grabbing Oli's face to force him down onto mine, crashing our lips together.

Immediately, I know this is nothing like the unstoppable kiss I had with Lex. This is me desperately attempting to make those sparks ignite. This is me doing whatever I must to get my body to cooperate. This is me listening to reason instead of lust.

After a moment of shock, Oli eventually reacts and tilts his head to the side before raising a hand to rest it on the side of my throat, handling me delicately. I wait, unmoving, for something to happen. Anything .

Pressing my mouth harder on his, I intensify our kiss, trying to drag out the sensations I felt with Lex. When it still isn't enough, I open my mouth to get more. Oli follows, and soon enough, our tongues are meeting. This is pleasant but not as shattering as I'd hoped for.

His lips are soft, pliant under mine. He lets me lead and only takes control when I allow it. It's nice, enjoyable, but it still isn't enough. Undoing my seatbelt to get closer to him, I raise the intensity again. With my head further to the side, I grab his jaw with both my hands, shoving my mouth harder against his.

In my eagerness to get closer to him, to draw out those feelings, I end up half-straddling Oli, one leg hooked over his, my skirt rising on my thighs. Oli's hands are on me, but in a sweet, gentle way, like he's cradling me. But all I want is for him to need me like Lex did.

It doesn't matter how much I try… The jolts of pleasure, the desire, and the need to have him aren't coming. I want Oli to crawl into my mind like Lex did and take up all the room. I need this kiss to chase away the memory of the other one.

My experiences with my exes were less pleasurable than this. It should be enough. It was always enough. And he wants me; I can feel it in the hard bulge at his crotch and the lascivious touches of his tongue. He wants me, so we're halfway there, aren't we?

But it isn't enough, nor okay. Now that I have tasted the immeasurable heights I can reach, it's all I crave. The raw desire, the lust, the need, the passion… I want Oli to grab me, to pull me, to devour me, to want to fuck me right here, to kiss me like he'll never kiss again.

Tears of frustration well up behind my closed eyelids.

In an attempt to get all those things, I do what I did to Lex. I lick Oli's lips, bite them, undulate… When his hands don't move, I grab them and set them on my ass, like Lex did, to show him what I need from him. But they barely stay there, quickly moving back up to my waist.

When, finally, they do something, it's to gently push me away. "Andy," he calls into our kiss. "Andy, we're here."

My blood freezes, making an icy chill run up my back. What the fuck am I doing?! Stunned, I push myself away from him and sit on my side of the car, avoiding his amber eyes. I've never, ever, acted like this before. Never used someone like I just did. Lex has fucked up my brain so badly that I've turned into a careless asshole.

Nauseous, I look at anything but him. As if to add to my shame, I meet the driver's eyes in the rearview mirror. My stomach churns with disgust at the concupiscent look the stranger gives me. I reach for the handle, ready to get out, but Oliver rests his hand on my arm, holding me back.

"Andy, I…" He struggles to find what to say, his mind still blurry. I glance at the driver, who isn't missing an ounce of this. "I really want to come up with you, but I want to do this the right way because I really like you," Oli continues. "I want this to work out, so I don't want us to rush into things."

My heart is in my bowels now, and I'm really going to be sick. I need to get away from this situation, the car, Oli…

"Yes, you-you're right," I stammer, struggling to contain myself. I just gave Oliver the impression I'm into him when, in all truth, I'm as clueless as when the whole date started .

During my moment of insanity, Oli's jacket fell from my shoulders. I pick it up from the floor and hand it to him before pulling the handle. "Thank you for everything, Oli," I say as I exit the vehicle.

The door is barely closed when I hear the driver shout at Oli, "Are you crazy, man?!"

As I make my way to the apartment, I somehow feel even worse than I did on Friday evening after Lex brought me home. And deep down, I know exactly why. Had I not kissed my boss, this just now would have been the best kiss of my life. Better than with any of my boyfriends or flings.

But I know better now. I know too much.

Tami's in the living room when I get there, and the smudged red lipstick betrays me despite how much I tried to clean it up in the elevator. When she asks me how it went, I give her two thumbs up and the best fake smile I can muster. I'm alone in my room when my phone rings. Please, let it not be Oli…

On the screen, I see the face of the only person I might agree to talk to right now. My voice of reason. Kate. "So!" comes her familiar voice when I pick up. "Tamika texted me to tell me the date went great! Tell me everything!"

"I literally got home five seconds ago."

"We've been texting all evening. We're rooting for you guys." Okay, those two are getting a little too close. Since I say nothing for a while, Kate worries. "Babe, is everything alright?"

"I-I kissed him on the way home."

"And …?"

"It wasn't—it wasn't like when I kissed…" I stop, letting her fill in the blanks. Admitting it out loud is too much.

After a long moment of reflection, she asks, "Andy. Do you like Oli?"

"Yes, a lot."

"And, do you like you-know-who?"

"He isn't Voldemort, you can say his name. And no, I don't. I just want to fuck him and fuck him up."

"Okay, then it's just a sex thing."

"A what?"

"The man is sex on a stick. Of course he'd make your hormones squirm with want. You like Oli, but you want to bang Alexander. There's a pretty simple remedy to this."

"What?"

"You need to fuck Alexander out of your system." Her matter-of-fact tone isn't enough to sell it .

"Yeah, right. I have to fuck my boss to get over him. I don't see how that could backfire," I sarcastically say. "Brilliant plan, blondie. Call me again when another one of those moronic brain farts comes to you."

"I'm the one experienced in wanting assholes, remember? You need to fuck them to get over them. If you're lucky, he'll be amazing at it, and you'll have to do it a couple of times. Or he'll suck, and all the sex appeal will fade away."

There's a moment of silence where I try to figure out if she's pulling my leg. I might be inexperienced in these matters, but this sounds like a terrible plan. "Are you seriously suggesting that I should fuck my boss?"

"Yes, I am."

"Aren't you a lawyer or something? Don't you see how terribly this could end?"

"Babe, this is the twenty-first century. I don't see why two consenting adults who want to bang each other can't indulge. Make sure he's on the same wavelength, and just fuck him. Or let him fuck you. Regardless of who's fucking who, have his dick in you."

"How long has it been since you last got laid?"

"It's been almost two months."

"Ah, makes sense… You're the one who needs a good dicking. Not me."

"Yeah, I know. I'm working on that. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong, Dee. I've had flings like that, and I swear, physical attraction always wears off. It always has for me, at least."

I can't believe I'm still entertaining her idea, but I ask, "What are the chances it'll actually work?"

"Since it's just sex, it will work. Just might take a few tries."

I whimper, hating that I'm genuinely considering her advice. What if that's all it takes? A few naked cardio sessions with Lex, and then he's out from under my skin so Oli can take his place.

"Well, I can hear you're calculating every possibility, so I'll leave you to it," Kate says. "If you need to talk some more, call me in the morning, babe."

"Hmm… You know I hate you for putting this idea in my head, right?"

"Yep, I figured you would. You know me, though. I tell it like it is."

"And I love you for that. Sweet dreams, blondie."

"Sweet dreams, Deedee."

As I lie down in my bed, still wearing my date clothes, I wonder if I reached it yet—the point where I regret moving here, taking that new job, meeting those new people…

My life was boring before, yes. But it was also so much simpler.