19. Hayden

19

HAYDEN

Dear Diary,

Cole and I finally did something on Thanksgiving. It was like coming up for fresh air from drowning. Cole always sees me when others don't. But something was missing. I'm not saying he was terrible or didn't know what he was doing. Something in the way he kissed me, the way he moved against me, and the way he whispered sweet promises into my ear with gentle caresses.

I wanted more. And I wanted it to be hard. I wanted pain.

And when he wrapped his hand around my throat, I wanted him to squeeze it. I wanted him to take my breath away and force me to do strange things with him. I craved to be pushed past my limits and my boundaries to shatter like they were never there in the first place.

Is that wrong?

Instead, he let go of my neck and kissed my temple as he finished on my stomach.

After he finished kissing me down there, I was hesitant to go all the way with him. I'm still a virgin, technically…

Cole was careful, but I wanted the opposite. I didn't say anything or share my interests to explore more with him because I felt ashamed of my cravings like it was something taboo and immoral. How do I tell him I want those things?

There should be a connection with him, and I don't feel it. The fact that I'm questioning the durability of our relationship is what validates my doubts.

~Millie

I shouldn't be reading her diary, but I can't help it. I want to kill Santiago. But I want to kill Cole even more.

I guess I still can.

I closed her diary and drifted into a deep sleep, thinking of all the ways I was going to make them scream, cry, and hurt while I smiled.

I was exhausted, from council meetings to the little concert debacle, saving Millie from the Southern Vampires. I tossed and turned all night, and even when I was able to rest, the cravings wouldn't stop.

Her blood, her scent, her flesh. My cock was harder than a fucking rock and throbbed in pain when I closed the door to my room. As soon as I got done "punishing" her, I jacked off in an earnest manner until I spurted cum all over myself, and it still doesn't scratch the catastrophic itch that she inflicts upon me. Only she can do that. Being around Millie puts the pain at ease, and she makes me feel like I'm human, too, capable of masking reality. Because, at the end of the day, I'm a monster. It's like I can breathe, even though my lungs don't expand. Like I can feel a fire inside my cold, dead skin, even though my heart doesn't thump. She has been destructive of my old ways. Catapulting into my life at a very unexpected time…and I'm afraid I'm lost.

I can't think straight. My plan for revenge starts to crack. It began to fade when I met her, but then it really started to fuck with my head when I started reading about the most vulnerable moments in her life.

Holland came to my chambers to summon me at midnight. The reality is that my father still wants to step down. Our once peaceful alliances with the Davenports have wilted beyond repair. There will never be peace again after I killed his men to save Millie. Secondly, I have to choose a wife, and I know they're wondering why I haven't taken Millie to unlock my powers.

I walk into my father's headquarters with rejuvenated energy after a day of rest, and I can feel my little Bambi sleeping peacefully. I can hear the sound of her even-paced breaths. I wake up every night, voracious because I'm allured to the enchantment she places me in.

I push open the thick door and tighten my collar nonchalantly as I enter.

My father sits on his throne of jewels, a chair made up of the eyes of those who have crossed us. Our eyes, once plucked from our soulless bodies, turn into diamonds. The chair reflects red, green, magenta, and blue, bright twinkling like rare stones in the dark.

"Father." I stand before him, ready to be attacked with questions.

He narrows his eyes at me and intertwines his hands like he's ready to chew me out.

"The girl continues to live. I can smell and feel her. It's been causing quite a stir-up between the walls of this Cathedral, Hayden. The longer she lives, the longer the tension continues. King Davenport has already sent his men to surround Montana, hoping she might escape again." Holland stands tall beside my father like a prude wanting to rain on my parade of keeping Millie alive longer than they want. He wears a long black cloak and leans on his cane. He glares at me, unbothered to mask his true feelings toward me. Lately, it's been more truant.

"My God, Holland. Did you do something new to your face? It really brings out the miserabilist in your eyes." I point to my own and smirk. He mumbles something under his breath and shakes his head.

I love getting under his skin.

"Hayden," My father interjects with a cold tone. "Why is she still alive? Why haven't you done your part?"

"Father, let me play with my food," I argue.

"I want to step down, and I want to do it today , son. I'm tired…your mother wants me to retire so we can go back to London and visit her family, and that can only happen if you ascend with your wife. And your powers. I'm trying to convince the council to change the law about Valkyrie's. Maybe they'll bend the rules for me. I'm highly respected amongst the regions."

My cold smirk dissipates into a tightening of my lips. A somber pause loiters the dark red and black throne room as I search for the right words.

"Have you even chosen a wife since the proposition to Eleanor has been shot to shit when you recovered the Valkyrie in Texas? When you murdered her brother and King Davenport's son? Everyone is breathing down my neck about sending you to the Inferno for that. But I told them that they were responsible for slaughtering humans, and of course, Davenport acted oblivious to it. He's playing pretend like he wasn't the one that tasked his son with killing innocents."

Another question daggers at me, like he's trying to get inside my head and figure me out. This isn't like me. I'm selfish and depraved; I'm a monster amongst our kind, and I'm sure the gossip has run rampant since the concert. The kiss we shared was on display, and I don't give one fuck what everyone saw.

I wanted them to see it .

"Her name is Millie," I say as I turn back to face my rigid father. He's bent over on his throne, eyeing me suspiciously.

I sink into my confused thoughts. I lean on one leg, rubbing a hand through my slight beard. I'm usually clean-shaven, but lately, that's changed. A lot has changed.

"Do you have… feelings for the Valkyrie?" he pries with a blanching grimace like he's stunned with disappointment that I could have any type of empathy for Millie. I can see why. It's what got my uncle killed. He leans forward, daring me to answer him truthfully.

I laugh. A dark and soft roar dwindles and echoes off the Victorian walls because the thought of me falling for someone is humorous and wild. It comes out so naturally and fast, but then my chuckle disintegrates slowly as I process his accusation because it strikes cords within me—cords that have me wondering the same thing—and it hits home.

I massage my lips with my fingers, and flashbacks of her nipples in my mouth and her lips on mine paralyze me momentarily. The memory of how she held my hand and begged me to stay the night with her fuels the impossible.

I'm falling for this girl. If it's not love, it's lust, and I don't mind lusting for this woman until she shows me what kind of version of love she needs me to accept and show her. It's what she deserves. After reading everything she's been through…I can relate. Although she's still full of hope, and I'm full of despair.

After watching her for months on end, stalking her, intruding on her safe space she calls a diary. She's never been shown unconditional love. Her family left Millie behind without a second glance.

Hell, I don't know what love is, but I would like to say that it's a privilege to have parents who want you and want the best for you. The guidance everyone requires when they're born isn't always given, and she never had someone to look after her in the right way.

I want to be that for her. I want to look after her. Even if I have to do it in the only ways I know how.

She bounced from parent to parent to grandparents; nothing was stable.

"If you're falling for this girl…you know how it'll end."

You don't need to remind me .

A relationship with a Valkyrie is forbidden. He doesn't need to remind me.

My father's icy grumble interrupts my brooding. I quirk a brow at him, and hope sinks into the pit of my stomach as nausea swirls into my mind at his dry empathy. No one wins in this situation, no one but time itself. I glance quickly at the portrait of my uncle Amos near the throne. My father catches my pinned vision and clears his throat before pinning his blue eyes on me.

"Do you want history to repeat itself by having the second-in-line son take over like I did for your uncle because he couldn't keep his private life private? Attempting to marry someone that's forbidden? Do you want Kallum to ascend instead of you because my patience has worn thin?"

I pensively place my hands on my hips and pace back and forth as I get lost in my apprehension. I'm never good at confrontation, and I like to avoid it at all costs.

Holland leans on his cane, grinning mischievously like he's won his small victory, challenging me to relinquish my right as King.

Not in this lifetime nor the next.

Through gritted teeth and all the courage I try to find within my broken soul, I muster, "I'll kill her tonight and find a wife by the end of the month."