Chapter 30

30

S he wasn't sure what she had done so wrong, but Lilith had seen enough people be angry about their futures to know that some of this was her fault. Sloth hadn't wanted to see his future, but she had to tell him that there was hope for him.

After all that he had suffered, the man at least deserved that much.

Seeing his past had made her heart ache in a way that it hadn't in a very long time. He had loved that woman so much . She had felt it in him. His entire being had revolved around that woman's beauty and love. He had needed her to see him like no one else had ever seen him before, and she had not done that.

Sloth had found himself a partner who had loved him back, but she'd always wanted him to change. And that wasn't right. She should have loved him as he was, even if she hadn't liked everything about him.

But feeling those complicated emotions had reminded her of her own feelings for Envy. How she felt around him wasn't like she'd ever felt in her life. She was wanted and needed and desired, and all of that made her a little dizzy.

She knew there was a part of her that needed him. That she wanted to be around Envy more than was necessary. And the longer she was here with him, the less she thought it was just because she desired him. Even though she could lie to herself.

Curling up on the bed, she leaned against her headboard and drew her knees back into her chest. Arms wrapped around her shins, she set her chin on her knees and tried to think through the emotions.

She didn't love him.

Did she?

No, no, it wasn't possible. She couldn't love him when she barely knew him. She couldn't love a man who had done so much damage in this kingdom and who would still kill people if he wanted their power. But she also couldn't help but think this was how the other woman had felt. She couldn't love a monster like that because what did that make her?

And yet...

And yet.

Lilith stared at the wall as she tried to get her head back on straight. She was not like this. She had never fallen in love in her life, and now that she had most of her memories back, she knew that was by design. No oracle was supposed to ever fall in love.

Love made things complicated. It made the future muddy because she was no longer making decisions, only for others. She was more likely to make decisions that protected the partner she loved and the family they would eventually build together. She was more likely to make choices that were selfish because they served her.

She shouldn't even entertain this. Oracles didn't do this.

Envy walked through the portal into her room. She knew in that moment, seeing the dark smudges under his eyes and the expression of disapproval, that she would do anything to make him happy. Even choose other people's ends if that was what it took. Because she loved him.

Oh, shit. She loved him.

He looked at her and caught her expression. With a soft grunt, he landed on his back on her bed, exhaustion in every inch of his body. "Not you too. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Because she had just realized that she'd broken every rule of the oracular order. Because the thought of fixing this and removing herself from his life was like thinking about removing one of her own limbs. Because after all that he had done, all the things that terrified her, all the reasons she should hate him, she had gone in the opposite direction.

She wanted him in her life forever. She wanted him by her side, and she wanted to allow him to consume her.

The thoughts were daunting, but when he looked up at her, everything filtered out of her head. She couldn't hurt him. She couldn't do anything but lean down and kiss him.

Her lips lingered on his, still very unpracticed, but she wanted to try. She wanted to kiss him so he could feel the passion and desire in her body. But more than that, she wanted him to know just how much he meant to her.

Words were too intimidating. They bound them together in a way that neither of them would ever crawl out of. She wanted him to be with her, want her, keep her, but none of that was anything she could verbalize.

So she kissed him, drawing her hand up his neck and bringing them closer. Lilith held onto him with every hope in her body that strained for him to see her. She needed him to know that after all of this was over and done with, if they were both alive, she would still be here for him if he wanted her.

And he reacted.

Envy groaned deep in his throat and dragged her closer. His hands found her, clutching at the fabric that covered her waist before he yanked her on top of him. He just did it. No hesitation, no fear, just that he wanted her on him, and so she went.

Lilith knew she could exist in her mind right now. As she threw her leg over his waist and sat on top of him, feeling his breath underneath her body and how he rolled with every single movement, she knew he gave her permission to disappear into them .

And some part of her mind did. Some part of her thought this was a mad decision. She'd always wanted her first time having sex to mean something to both her and the person doing it. She'd built up this romantic idea in her head about what it would be, what they would do, and how it would feel. But in the end, that wasn't what she actually wanted.

She wanted him. Every part of him. Every shape of him that lingered underneath her hands and every muscle that flexed as she palmed it. She wanted his lips on hers, his breath in her lungs, and the whimpers of movements that brought them even closer together.

She wanted to feel him against her bare skin. It didn't matter that they'd both had a trying day, or that they were being hunted by countless people. It didn't even matter that he might not like her the way she loved him. She might just be a toy for him to play with, as a man who had seen so much of the world and sampled every part of a woman that he could. Lilith could just be his newest distraction until he decided to kill her, just like her old master wanted to do.

But if she was going to die, then she was going to die knowing what he tasted like.

His hand slid up her leg, shifting fabric to the side so his hands could linger on her skin. "Little love," he growled against her lips. "There is much we should talk about before we do this."

"I'm so tired of responsibility," she said against his mouth, lingering on the edges of his lips before dragging hers to his jaw, where she could press lingering kisses against the chiseled edge. "I'm tired of doing the right thing. All I want to do right now is to taste you. Touch you. I'm so tired of waiting for the right moment, Envy. Right now is the right moment."

She could feel him hardening between her legs. That curious bar of heat and velvet that she'd had on her tongue. She wanted to know what it would feel like when he pressed it inside of her. She wanted to know what sex actually was.

And maybe that was immature of her to not want to tell him everything she'd seen in the future. They had so much to figure out, but right now, she was done with thinking and planning.

All she wanted to do was feel.

"You don't know what you're asking," he groaned against her, arching his neck so that she had more access to press kisses down the strong column.

"Yes I do. And I know what I want. So shut up, Envy. Stop talking unless it's to say all those pretty, dirty words that you're so good at."

Lilith had no idea where she'd gotten this confidence. She needed, wanted, and he was the only one who could give it to her.

Heart thundering in her chest, she almost held her breath until it seemed like he exploded into motion. One moment she was on top of him, the next he'd palmed the back of her neck and rolled them. His lips and teeth and tongue kissed her with a ferocity that she'd never experienced. All of a sudden, Envy was everywhere.

He licked at her neck, then bit down on her thundering pulse in a way that made her arch into him. The slightest spike of pain didn't detract from how much it made everything in her light up with passion.

He growled against the side of her neck and suddenly every hair on her body rose. That. She wanted him to do that again over every part of her form until she didn't know which way was up or which way was down.

Before she could even react, he'd grabbed the bottom of her dress. Inch by inch, he revealed her form. Slowly, taking his time, using the dress to hide her from his gaze until the very last second.

Then he leaned back on his knees, kneeling atop her, so his gaze could sweep over every inch of revealed flesh.

He'd seen her naked before. But now? It felt like he was seeing her for the very first time.

"Fuck, you're beautiful," he said, his voice low with need. "I can't even tell you what I want to do to you, because it's so filthy it would make you blush."

She stared up at him, her eyes wide and shocked. "What do you want to do to me, Envy?"

That growl sent goosebumps dancing along her flesh and her nipples tightening so hard they almost hurt. He stared at them as though he couldn't rip his gaze away from her, no matter what happened. "I want to fill every hole of yours with me. I want to sink into you with my cock while you ride my finger in your ass and then plug your mouth with my other hand. I want to feel you shaking and clenching so hard that you beg me to stop and then I want to do all of that again and again until you pass out from pleasure."

"Yes," she whimpered. "Do that."

Maybe it was a lot to ask a novice, because he hadn't yet filled every hole like he'd promised. But he leaned down and capture the tip of her breast in his mouth and that was still mind numbing enough to distract her.

His hands were everywhere. Grabbing, holding, bruising and yet it was still perfect. She wanted to feel him clutching at her breast, jerking her closer so that he could switch that wandering tongue to her other breast, circling the peaks until she felt like they were made of diamonds.

She couldn't even think. She squirmed in his grasp, trying to touch him, but he pinned her hands down onto the bed with a warning. "If you touch me, this will be over far too quickly, little love. Stay where you are and let me play."

What if she wanted to touch? What if?—

A low moan escaped her lips as his hand slid between her legs. A long, broad finger smoothed between her slick lower lips and then sank deep inside her. They both groaned with that movement, stilling to look at each other as he shallowly moved his fingers in and out of her.

"Good girl," he whispered. "Look at you taking me so easily now? How about we add a second?"

She should probably be embarrassed by the wet echos in the room, but how could she be when he so thoroughly enjoyed it? His eyes were between her legs, staring down at his own glistening fingers moving in and out of her.

"I could stay here all day," he said, but then he crawled down her body. "But I want to do something else far more."

What was he doing? Oh, not that again, was he? He'd already done that to her and yes, it was amazing, but...

He sank another finger into her. Two stretching fingers that pushed her to her limits. And then his tongue was there. Not in her like last time, but flicking over her clit. Over and over again, circling and flicking while those fingers scissored inside her, stretching and filling so well.

Already she was spiraling out of control. How did he do that? How did he do all of this and remain so straight faced while she was falling apart on his fingers and tongue?

Breathing hard, she looked down her body to see him staring up at her. Those green eyes twinkling with mischief and the wet sounds of her own sloppy mess that he was somehow making even worse.

"Come for me," he growled against her skin. "I want to feel you fall apart around my fingers, little love."

And then he sucked on her clit. Hard. So hard that she could do nothing other than come.

Gasping, she tried to find words. She tried to think about anything other than the ache between her legs that still wasn't enough.

"Did you think we were done?" he rasped, leaning back on his knees so he could undo his pants. And the sight of her own slick on his face was nearly enough to spiral her back into that realm of passion yet again.

He released the latch of his pants and then leaned over her, one hand bracing him above her and the other on the thickness of his cock. He moved them so the head of his cock pressed against her entrance and she had thought she would be terrified of this moment. But all she wanted was for him to move. To get inside her. She needed it.

Arching her back and spreading her legs a little wider around his hips, she begged.

"Please," she whimpered. "I need you."

"I know, little love. I know. But we have to be careful." His head came down on her shoulder and then she could feel him push .

Just a little. But the resistance wasn't pleasant. It didn't feel good for him to be shoving like that, and yet, she still wanted him to continue.

Panting, she wrapped one of her legs around his hips and then used her heel to guide him. Inch by painstaking inch, they worked him into her body. He was sweating, shaking, nearly convulsing as they eased him in and out of her. Sometimes the strokes felt too tiny to even feel and then, suddenly, he was all the way in her.

She could feel the warmth of his pelvis touching hers, and then all the pain disappeared. All of it.

It was just her, him, and the stars that bloomed behind her eyes.

Finally, he lifted his head from her shoulder and met her gaze. "How's that feel?"

She kissed him, because words were failing her in this moment. But when she felt him throb inside of her, she knew she had to speak. "Like nothing I've ever felt before," she whispered.

Shifting, she pulled her hips back and then wiggled them forward, sinking him in and out of her.

His eyes widened, and she swore his expression was one of pain. "Lilith?—"

"Move, Envy. I want to feel you." She planted both of her hands on the round globes of his ass and tugged him into the movement she wanted. And when he slid out of her only to glide back in with the most wondrous sensation, she threw her head back and sank into the feeling.