1. Bennett Killian

ONE

BENNETT KILLIAN

Late February

"Okay, so let me get this straight," I say, trying to hold back my need to snap at my newly retired parents. "You two decided that moving to Las Vegas is the best possible way to spend all your money, and you want me to go with you? To pack up the perfectly good life I've made with my daughter here and raise her in the City of Sin ?"

So I might not have succeeded in composing myself, I do sound a little unhinged. I doubt anyone would blame me, especially my two very rational parents. They raised me to be just as rational, so why the hell are they acting like it's their last year to live?

They're only in their mid sixties, and they had a more than exciting youth. Believing they couldn't have children, they did everything they wanted in life way before I came into this world .

"Yes," Mom says, with a nod and a placid expression on her face. As if my question didn't have an "are you fucking insane?!" implied at the end.

I can only stare at them.

My two-year-old daughter, Lizzie, is napping in her room upstairs, just blissfully ignorant that her father is about to lose his shit on her grandparents.

"Why did you buy a house without talking to me about it first?" I ask through clenched teeth.

"It's our money, we can do whatever we want with it." Dad shrugs like he couldn't care less what I have to say about it.

"Okay, but then why are you talking to me about it like you're trying to convince me to go with you?" I'm seriously so confused. They're acting so strange. Why?

"Because we do want to convince you to move with us!" Mom says excitedly. "The house we bought needs a lot of remodeling, and we plan to work on it, but it has an amazing pool house with three bedrooms, two full baths, an amazing kitchen, and of course, the pool right outside.

"The main house is a disaster and that's why we got it so cheap, despite how big it is. You and Lizzie can move in there, and we can see you guys more often. You work from home, we know that, but your father reminded me the other day that you've been looking into graduate programs, and he has a colleague who just told him about this new program he's the director of at Albert University. I think it's perfect for you—well, we both do. You could finally get your PhD and keep writing!"

Again, what else can I do but stare?

I try to think of something but come up blank.

"Bennett," Dad says quietly. "The city of Las Vegas is not all depraved, you know? In fact, only the strip is full of dancers and drunks. The outskirts of the City, where the house we bought is, are more like normal suburbs you'd find all over the country. There are some great schools there just like there are amazing schools here."

"Besides," Mom says, before I can process what Dad just said. "Honey, none of your friends live here anymore." That fucking stings. The tone especially, like she's telling me I need to get a life. I have a life.

A perfectly good one, thank you very much.

"You need to have more than your work and Lizzie, honey. You do," she insists, when I shake my head and open my mouth to protest. "Las Vegas isn't that much closer to New York, where Sebas is, or Boston, where Leaf, Glenn, and George are, but it is a lot closer to Josie in San Diego and Derek in LA."

"C'mon, Mom. It's not like we live in the middle of nowhere. This is Seattle for crying out loud!" I throw my hands up in exasperation, finally finding words. "What the hell am I supposed to do with my house, then? The house I'm still paying for, by the way?"

"The same thing we did with ours," Dad says, like it's the simplest thing in the world. "Sell it."

"You sold your HOUSE?!" I lose it. They look truly shocked by my outburst, how the hell can they be shocked? "What did you expect to happen here? Did you just think I was going to shrug and say, ‘Yeah, okay, I'll move my daughter and myself a thousand miles away' without even giving it a second thought?"

"Okay, there's no need to shout," Mom says sternly. And that's the woman I recognize. "No, we didn't expect you to just go with it . You're not a spontaneous person, honey, we know that. We just didn't expect you to be so against it without even considering it." She tilts her chin up and her words have all my defenses crumbling.

They're not wrong.

I mean, I can at least consider it.

That's fair.

"I'll think about it then, but for now, I have to go cook lunch." With that I stand and leave them in the living room to go to the kitchen. I need space. I need Wendy.

I rest my forearms on the quartz countertop I had put in a few months ago and hang my head from my shoulders.

I've been working hard on renovating our little house since I took the plunge and bought it a year ago. I've been turning it into our home, not just a house. Now it feels like nothing will ever be the way I dreamed it would. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, maybe, but that's how I feel right now.

My parents left an hour or so ago and I gave Lizzie a bath, then put her to bed and read her a few chapters of The Horse and His Boy. Lizzie has been loving the Chronicles of Narnia and we're going through this latest one pretty fast. After she fell asleep I came down here and took in the disaster zone of the kitchen.

Right, time to get to work.

My mind can't help but go through the conversation with my parents as I fill the dishwasher and wipe down the counters.

What they said about none of my friends being close hit hard. It stung. I have to admit that even though it's only to myself. And I'll have to admit it to Wendy, my therapist, tomorrow as well. She's gonna be so smug about it too. I groan internally and put some elbow grease into cleaning the greasy saucepan .

Since I don't have any siblings, Lizzie's blessed with many honorary aunts and uncles, just like I'm blessed to have the best friends in the world. Our friend group expanded dramatically in my senior year of college at Cavendish, near San Francisco, thanks to Sebas becoming Adam's boyfriend. Life has changed a lot in the last five and a half years since my friend met his now-husband.

Of course, I became a parent, but I also got to know George better when he came to play for the Seattle football team. I was still bartending part time back then, and felt lonelier than ever after ending—more like running away from—yet another disastrous attempt at finding a man to love. But then George was drafted here, and things got better.

I started the adoption process before he was even gone from Seattle because I knew he was leaving. The thought of spending just one more day by myself was unbearable. I wanted to start a family, and with zero guys around who could understand and respect my asexuality, I knew it was up to me to make it happen.

Even though it was only for a season, George and I bonded while we lived together, and we also got to know Leaf, the then-quarterback for the Seattle Sea Lions, and his girlfriend Heather. Then there's George's husband, Glenn, who has been my friend for a lot longer, Josie and her partner Biddy who're down in San Diego, Mike and Theo who live in New York like Sebas and Adam, and of course Derek and his new boyfriend Hawk who live down in LA and have had a hell of a few months lately.

Derek just won the Super Bowl, and of course we were there to support him like we always are. Lizzie even cheered for him instead of Adam and Mike—more for the uniform colors than anything.

She loves all her uncles in equal measure, I swear. They never believe me, but I know it's true .

Those are a hell of a lot of friends who I can count on, and that's even before considering most of them have awesome, big families who're just as kind as they are.

Problem is, none of them live near me.

Who lives here? Wendy.

Wendy, who basically saved my life. Wendy, who's irreplaceable and who is absolutely not moving to Las Vegas. I shake my head as I move rhythmically to fill the dishwasher. My therapist would tell me I saved myself, not only by reaching out for her help, but by doing the work.

In any case, another thing with my friends is... well, most of them have found love. Or love has found them. Hell, even love-repellent Derek got engaged two weeks ago after he won the Super Bowl.

I can't say that didn't make me feel as green as the grinch. Which has made me feel like a shitty friend ever since, but come on .

I've always wanted love, to find a man who wanted to start a family and share a life with me.

I haven't been able to find that but Derek, who's always been adamant he never wanted a relationship, let alone a lifelong one, found it without even trying ?

How's that fair?

It isn't. And my friends are all great at commiserating with me. They've never tried to tell me that I need to be more lenient about my asexuality if I want to find someone. They've never implied there's anything wrong with me or that it's something I need to fix.

They're great, they really are, so feeling even a fraction of resentment or jealousy over them being happy feels petty as fuck.

I try not to let it affect the way I act and how often I reach out to them, and I think I've succeeded in that. I even think it would be awesome to be closer to some of them, I do. But Vegas?

I sigh, as I finally turn off the lights in the kitchen and go to my office.

My grandparents all passed away when I was pretty young, so Mom and Dad are really all the close family Lizzie and I have.

I want them to be more comfortable, I do. But again, Vegas ?

I walk into my office and look at my closed laptop. I have a work in progress I should be writing of course, but in order to do that I have to do something else first.

There's no way I can focus on my sad, lonely hero until I get a bit of research done.

My parents have one thing right. There's an amazing graduate literacy program at Albert University. I've known about it for a while, and it looks enticing even though it's pricey as hell. Being a private university, that makes sense, but... I could make it work.

Without giving it too much thought, I sit at my desk and get to work on researching the program my dad mentioned. I notice there are also a few scholarships available, so without thinking twice about it, I apply to all of them as well as the PhD.

Then I start looking into the area my parents mentioned their new house is in. They were right, it looks like any other suburb in the country. Even close to the one I grew up in. My parents sold my childhood home right after I left for college. They wanted to downsize, and never regretted it.

I love Seattle. It's been my home for so long, but I don't really have any childhood friends, or any support system besides my parents. Leaving would be hard, but not heartbreaking in the least. Besides, in Vegas I'd still be close to Josie, Derek, and...

Oh, my God.

How did I not think about this before ?

Gab. Gab Darnell, Adam's aunt lives in Vegas.

I saw her a few weeks ago, at the Super Bowl. She was cranky because her team lost the game before, but she was there to support her nephew.

She asked me about writing, and she wants my help because she's been offered a deal to write her autobiography.

This could actually work. I mean, I'd have to talk to her about the schools in the area, and how good the city really is to raise a child in, but it could work.

I'd told her two weeks ago we'd talk about it soon, but then, in all the emotion of the day we never exchanged information.

I grab my phone from the counter and text Sebas, begging the universe for him to answer quickly even though it's getting late in New York already.

He should be at home already, and able to see his phone, hopefully?—

Sebas

Yeah, sure.

Here's her number.

You gonna tell me why you wanna talk to her?

Bennett

I'll tell you later, I have to text her now.

I tap on her information and open a text thread quickly.

Bennett

Hey, Gab. This is Bennett Killian.

Adam and Sebas' friend from college.

I just remembered our conversation during the Superbowl and was wondering if you're still interested in my help?

I leave it at that and force myself to keep researching the education programs of various schools I find close to where my parents' house is.

My phone stays still and silent, so I get to work on laundry. There's always laundry to put in, get out, fold, and put in place. It's a good distraction, except not really, because I could do all this in my sleep.

I need to do something that will really take my mind off it.

I guess I could call Josie, tell her what my parents said, mull it over with her?

I take out my phone and look at my best friend's contact information for a full thirty seconds. I can't decide if it would be a good idea to tell her before I speak to Gab. This could all crumble if she says no.

Or not . . .

I did apply for the scholarships already. I could get one or two, so I could just put my house up for sale and move into a mansion in the Las Vegas desert. Jesus, this is fucking insane.

My phone vibrates in my hand and the notification appears at the top of the screen before I can make up my mind.

I click on it so fast and hard I almost drop the phone into the washing machine.

Gab Darnell

Yes!

I absolutely am .

The second text comes before I can answer. And then they just keep coming.

I've thought a lot about what you told me, and I want to take this seriously. I have no idea how to write a book or an autobiography, so I need help.

Problem is I'm a busy woman.

Is there any way you could spend a few months in Vegas?

More than a few probably.

I chuckle to myself, knowing the woman is Busy with capital B, and in italics. She's the physical embodiment of boss-ass bitch, in the best of ways.

Bennett

I'm considering moving down there right now, actually.

I'm looking into a graduate program at Albert University. I have to wait to hear back on some scholarships, though. I should be able to tell you what my next moves are in the next couple of days.

I think this could be a great opportunity for me, so I really do want to help you, but there are logistics to figure out.

I would also really appreciate it if you could tell me what you think about the schools in the city? Lizzie's education is a top priority for me.

Even if she's only in nursery school right now, it's really the most important thing to me and moving my child to live in the City of Sin sounds like a very bad idea if I'm honest.

Gab Darnell

I completely understand.

I'd pay you, of course.

She sends me a sum per hour that has my eyes bugging out of my skull. Well, the woman is a billionaire after all . That's still a lot of money. I mean, if I work an hour a day for her for three months, I could pay half my tuition, for fuck's sake.

Gab Darnell

And I understand your thoughts about having a child live in Las Vegas, but I found raising my kids here amazing. There are a lot of great schools on the outskirts of the city, not near the strip or the party scene at all. I'll send you the links, okay?

Just get back to me when you know more.

There's also no rush.

I haven't signed on to any publishing house.

I want to have the book finished before I do.

That's smart , I think and sign off.

I open the monitor app and watch Lizzie sleep from a safe distance for a few minutes. Whatever I choose to do, she has to be safe. I won't do anything unless I'm one hundred percent sure she's going to be happy and healthy.

She's my whole world, and I don't need anything except to see her happy. Being okay enough to be her parent is why I still go to therapy in the first place. Everything else would just be a bonus. But I'm not holding off for anything.

I already have all I need.