Twenty-Seven

TWENTY-SEVEN

REN

Soon after I was drafted to my first AHL team, I had a girlfriend for a short time. We were together during the holidays, and I remember the stress of trying to keep up with her expectations for this time of year.

The appropriate kinds of presents to buy for your partner. How much is too much money to spend but also not insult them by only spending $20? The awkwardness of family gatherings with people I didn't know and had never met.

On top of which, she was Catholic, so there was all the mass and praying and stuff that I hadn't seen before, but that she wanted me to participate in.

It was… enlightening.

The experience is why I have always made it a point to be single during the month of December. I don't want that pressure. There was literally no part of that entire ordeal that was fun to me.

Needless to say, we broke up very soon after. I'm a firm believer in letting someone do their own thing and not being a wet towel, but I also believe it's important for partners to have an understanding between them as far as spiritual values and traditions are concerned. There needs to be compromise and clear communication.

It's really difficult when you come from two very different backgrounds and belief systems.

My months with that woman greatly shaped how I view relationships. Since meeting Zenia, Denny, Carson, and Kroy, I haven't felt the need to spend a lot of time with a single woman. I get companionship from them and if I'm honest, group sex time has been much more satisfying than when I'm hooking up individually.

Felton's fast asleep as I lay in bed and think about this. In just an hour, it'll be Christmas morning and I have so many trains of thought vying for attention. Once I hit a small road block in which I'm not sure what to think, my mind skips to something else and I find myself in this circular pattern of repeating questions.

For instance, why Felton? Honestly, his gender doesn't make much of a difference to me. While I won't say that America is progressive as far as gender equality and sexual freedoms are concerned, I will say that it's at least better than the climate back home regarding that. I definitely feel safer here in a gay relationship than I would back home.

But I'm still a little surprised that in all the years I've been here, it's Felton Badcock that's truly caught my attention in a way that no one else has before. Am I just ready to settle down now? Is that influencing my willingness to see him differently?

Or is it just Felton himself? Once I let myself truly see this man, there was simply no turning back from knowing that he's the person I want to be with. Every single day, every little interaction has only confirmed it a little more.

But I'm reminded of the girl I suffered through a Catholic Christmas with all those years ago. I am not willing to convert to a system of beliefs that I just don't believe in to be with someone.

Yet, I've adjusted to this Western culture quite a bit. There's a fusion in my life of things I've compromised on out of necessity or lack of options, and sometimes because I like the alternative. Then there are things that I've steadfastly kept as best I could.

However, I only have myself to take into account during those kinds of decisions. Being with someone raised so vastly different from myself can lead to a lot of issues later.

Yet, I'm not entirely sure that there's going to be that kind of head butting. Felton hasn't once expressed feeling any particular way about anything. He'd disconnected from almost everything in his life. The only thing he's had of his own is hockey.

And sex.

Which leads to another thing that's been a concern. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. The deep connection is of far greater importance. But when you both like sex, it's definitely important that you're on the same page and enjoy it the same way.

Since grouping it with my friends, I've not enjoyed one-on-one sex nearly as much as I used to. I'm not sure if it's their energy that makes it different or something else entirely.

The question that keeps plaguing me is—what if I don't like it as much when it's just Felton and I as I do when it's my friends and I sharing someone? I know, there's going to be a lot of people that say that when you love someone, you need to make sacrifices. But is it wrong to want our sex life to be great?

Then there's the other side too. What if I don't do it like Felton likes?

It's true that sex isn't everything, but that doesn't mean it can't make or break a relationship.

My arms tighten around him, and I hate the idea of anything being a roadblock. It's definitely important that we work through it. We need to. That also means we need to have a conversation.

There's also the idea that maybe I'm not going to like all the things involved with being in a sexual relationship with a man. Fucking in the ass is one thing. I've done that and clearly haven't had a problem. We've jerked off together in the shower, and I definitely enjoyed that.

But a cursory glance of ‘butt stuff' online tells me that there's a lot that we can do together. What if I'm not into some of it? How will that make him feel? What if he wants to top and I don't think I can do it?

Seriously, the size of his cock alone is… intimidating. Everything about Felton is big. His dick isn't an exception to that.

He sighs in his sleep, and I press my lips to the top of his head. He sleeps pretty hard, so I think I can disentangle myself from him easily enough and decorate my room without waking him.

I'm not against the idea of Christmas. Not at all. I like the fun and the lights. I like the idea of making sure the people important to you know how much they mean.

What I'm not a fan of is the look that Felton gets when he thinks about past Christmases. It's not just sadness. It's deeper than that.

I want to give him a happy Christmas memory. Even if we don't last longer than this month or maybe this year, I want him to have something to remember what the holiday should be for him. Taking everything else out of it—religion, family, expectations—I want him to wake up and smile, knowing that it's going to be a really good day.

It takes me several minutes to disentangle from him. Partly because he holds on so tightly and partly because I don't really want to let him go. But eventually I'm free and can slip out of bed.

With phone in hand, I slip into my closet and silently shut the door before turning on the phone's flashlight. I've already unpacked anything that can make noise—no plastic in here, thank you!—so all I have to do is tack everything up.

I've been putting little things in place to make this easier over the last few days while he's been in the shower, or occupied with something when I get out of the shower. I have a few sets of string lights of the colored variety. In the inspiration pictures I studied, it seemed colored lights were the most traditional and single colors were elegant. This year, I want traditional.

Opening the closet door, I reach around and plug in the end of the first set of lights right outside and then watch Felton. He doesn't move. There are little clear hooks already stuck to the wall and I carefully snap the string of lights into place, framing the doors and the windows. While I wanted to hang snowflakes from the ceiling, I wasn't sure how I'd pull that off while he was asleep and not make too much noise.

I pull out a little tree, three feet tall, and set it up in the corner with a skirt and a dozen pearl ornaments. There's a star too, and for my first tree, I don't think it's half bad. After the tree skirt, I add a few presents that I wrapped.

I place a few little decorations around the room—reindeer, a Santa, cute penguins in earmuffs and scarves on skates. Then for the messy part.

Almost instantly regretting this decision, I take the bucket from my closet and start sprinkling the floor with fake snow. I put it everywhere because I want Felton to wake up in a winter wonderland. I literally cover the floor until I'm backed against the bed.

Setting the bucket upside down, I drape a red cloth over it and put some cookies on top from a plate that I'd hidden in my drawer. The last thing I do after I crawl back into bed is turn on the television with a crackling fire recording.

Laying back down, I smile. It's romantic, right? If nothing else, I hope it puts a smile on Felton's face because I've made a complete mess of my room.

For him.

Taking him back in my arms, he reflexively wraps around me again. Tucking his face into my neck, Felton sighs and I find that I'm smiling. This is perfect. I could definitely get used to falling asleep and waking up to this man every day.

The weird snowy room with rainbow-colored lights somehow lulls me to sleep. It feels like a dream barely settles around me before I'm startled awake when Felton sits up. At first, I completely forget what I did in the night as I blearily blink at him.

But as I strain to see him through squinting eyes, the wonder on his face reminds me and waking up becomes a little easier. His eyes sparkle as he looks around. He's filled with awe and I have to imagine, this must be what he should have experienced as a child. The surprise. The decorations. Knowing that today is going to be happy and filled with nothing but joy.

He twists in bed and looks at me, his wide eyes glassy. "You did this?" he asks.

I nod as I sit up. "Be prepared to walk on snow."

Not realizing his eyes could get wider, he leans to the side of the bed and looks over. I watch as his head turns and he takes in the mess I made.

"When did you do this?" he asks, his voice breathless and filled with emotion.

"While you slept."

He wipes his cheek and I realize there are tears leaking from his eyes. I pull him to me and hug him fiercely. "Merry Christmas, qīn ài de."

"I can't believe you did this for me."

It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him there's nothing I wouldn't do for him, but I feel that's a line that's going to open us up for the universe to challenge. But the sentiment is there. I'm not sure there is anything I wouldn't do for this man.

"Why?" he asks.

Pulling him back down and wrapping him in my arms, I say, "It's time to make new memories. Good memories. Time to start your own traditions. They can be whatever you want them to be. Whatever makes you happy and makes you smile. Something you look forward to that isn't a reminder of the past, but a promise for the future."

"With you?" he whispers.

I'd really, really like that. There's no doubt, exactly. There's just some challenges that aren't exactly small. Then again, no relationship is going to be perfect or easy.

So I nod and press my lips to his head. "I hope so. I hope we have a lot of years together. A lot of Christmases. Maybe we'll celebrate or maybe we'll find something that's just us. Something new—a tradition that we build on every year together."

"I love the snow, but that's going to hang around until summer. And it's not going to melt."

I snort. "I immediately regretted my life choices as I started throwing it around the room," I admit.

He grins, rubbing his face against my skin. "This is perfect. Thank you."

"I wanted today to be special for you."

"Any day with you is special." He pauses and then groans. "Wow, that was corny. Forget that came out of my mouth."

Laughing, I shake my head. "Not a chance. I like corny."

After a few minutes, I push him back and then hand him a cookie. "Try to avoid crumbs," I tease, winking, and then climb out of bed for the little tree. I wasn't extravagant in my gifts. They're just small things I thought Felton would appreciate and enjoy.

He gives me a dubious look. "You're not supposed to gift things if I don't know about it and don't have anything to give in return. That's just not nice. Not fair."

"You'll have to make an exception this time," I declare as I sit on the edge of the bed and wipe my feet off. This stuff is going to get everywhere. Aesthetically, it's fucking amazing. But yeah, never again. Worst thing I ever bought.

In the first package is underwear. The small, skimpy kind that he likes to sleep in. Felton's cheeks turn an amazing pink. The second package is a book titled Total Power Exchange: What it means and how to find your Dom.

Felton's eyes are super wide when he looks at me. I chuckle. "We're not a BDSM couple but as I was scrolling online the other day, I saw this book mentioned in an article. After reading the reviews and doing a bit more research on total power exchange, I think this is something you might be interested in given that you don't want any kind of true autonomy in your life because it causes you stress."

"It's going to tell me how to find a Dom?" he asks, eyebrows pinched together.

I grin and pull him to me. "No. I'll fill that role for you. If you read it and decide that's what you want. We'll talk about it, of course. That's not the part that's important. It's about the relationship itself and what TPE means. We've kind of been going in that direction already, which is probably why my phone suggested it."

Felton gives me a sly smile. "They're always listening."

Pressing a kiss to his temple, I continue, "Take a look at the book. There's zero pressure, Fel. I've seen how much you've thrived these last few days when I've basically told you how to walk and when. I'm not sure I've ever seen the smile that's always lingering now."

He nods, bowing his head. "I love it," he whispers. "Maybe I shouldn't, but I just feel… like I can feel again, you know? Like I can think about, just… anything at all and not something stupid that I spend so much time on that doesn't matter. Like what socks to wear. I've spent an hour debating that before! It's dumb and I know it is, but every little thing feels too much, and those little things just stack on top of me like a pyramid."

"I know. But I'm taking down your pyramid now. You know what you're going to do next?" Felton shakes his head. I hand him the last package. "You're going to open this one."

He grins and does. It's nothing big, but I think maybe this one means the most. It's a Betty Boop wind chime to add to his collection off his balcony. "I wasn't sure what Benny Bop looks like since there's still no face to the name," I say, smirking. "But it sounds awfully similar to Betty Boop, don't you think?"

Felton laughs and hugs the box to him. "Yes, it does! I love this. Thank you. Thank you so much, Ren. It's a perfect day."

I pull him into my arms. "It's only eight. We have an entire day ahead of us, but I promise it will be a perfect day."

"It already is," he whispers.