Twenty-One

TWENTY-ONE

REN

I can tell myself I check in on Felton so often because I'm worried about him. It's not a lie. I am worried about him. But the truth is I want to be in his presence. I want to be the one he turns to when he's upset. The one he looks at for comfort and affirmation.

He trusts me.

Since the night that all the little pieces of this weird puzzle fell into place, the words flutter through my head like a record on repeat. Being trusted isn't something to take lightly. We like to think that trust is given until broken. That it's standard to trust someone right away until they give you a reason not to trust you.

In reality, it's the opposite. We now live in a world where you must earn someone's trust first. That trust is always fragile and can easily be broken.

Felton has basically given me a delicate glass orb to protect and take care of. I should be terrified of shattering it, but the more time I spend with this man, the less likely I'm able to even scuff this precious glass orb he's given me.

How can someone hurt him? I just can't fathom it.

And this is why I find myself on his doorstep at eight in the morning, knocking on his door. I've reached the limit on being able to stay away. It's stupid. I should just spend the night.

The thought of that makes my cheeks burn and I scoff internally. I've seen this man naked. I've seen him get fucked by multiple men.

And I was jealous the entire fucking time!

There's no reason to be embarrassed about something as silly as spending the night.

The door opens and my eyes drop immediately to Felton's naked torso and then lower to his barely concealed dick his the tight underwear. He's not a small boy. Like, not at all. After seeing this man naked, I can confidently say that he's a rare breed—a grower and a shower. Honestly, it's impressive.

And he's half fluffed right now, as one is when just waking up from sleep. Speaking of which, his hair is a mess and there are bags under his eyes.

My heart sinks. He doesn't look like he's slept.

Felton steps back to let me in and I shut the door behind me, locking it as I do. Then I slip out of my shoes and wordlessly lead him back into his bedroom. I've learned my way around his house by observation, mostly. I'm not sure he's ever given me a tour. Usually, I follow where he goes or watch where he goes, depending on what's going on.

I tuck him back into bed, but his hand catches my wrist before I can walk away.

I shouldn't crawl into bed with him. There's a part of me that thinks I'm taking advantage of his vulnerable state right now. Not that I've done anything at all that could be considered inappropriate.

But I want to. The need, the deep want, grows every day.

Without a word, I crawl into bed with him. He tucks himself in close and when I roll onto my side to wrap my arm around him, Felton presses tightly against me. The blankets separate us, for which I'm both irritated and relieved.

I bring him close, wrapping my arm under his head so he's laying on it and I can keep my fingers in his hair. The other is around his back, keeping him close. Because I've apparently lost all control of myself, I also sling my leg over his hip, hooking my calf and ankle over his sexy round ass.

When Felton sighs, most of my concerns melt away. He wants to be right here. Right where I'm holding him. And I want him right here.

"You okay, Fel?" I ask quietly.

He nods and I feel his lips against my collarbone. I'm thankful for the layers between us since his mouth on me, even as innocent as it is, speaks loudly to my dick.

"Yes. I just… being alone is very noisy sometimes."

"Maybe it's the wind chimes," I tease.

I feel his smile and this man snuggles in closer. "I can't really hear them in here unless there's a storm, but I usually take them down if it storms so they don't break."

I hug him tightly. "You don't have to be alone, Felton," I say quietly and kiss his head where I can reach. "You can always call me. Or show up at my door."

He's quiet for a minute. "I don't want to intrude," he says.

"If I tell you I want to spend time with you, will you stop thinking you're intruding?"

His breath shudders against my skin. His nod is slight, but because he's so close, I feel it.

"I want to spend time with you," I admit. Maybe more to myself than him.

"To make sure I'm okay," he says.

"Yes. But also because I enjoy spending time with you."

"Why?" he asks.

It truly breaks my heart to hear the doubt and self-deprecation in his voice, and stupidly gut-wrenching to know that it comes through so clearly in a single word.

"Because you're a good person. You're kind and funny and you have a beautiful smile. You have a beautiful soul, a good heart. Fel, you're smart and talented and sweet. I really love that you trust me to take care of you as much as you do. I've found that I really enjoy doing so. And I love to hold you like this and make sure you know that you're never alone. I'm right here, Fel."

He presses his face further into my neck and I swear, I can feel all the minute muscles of his lips and cheeks and eyelashes twitch against me. His breaths are shallow and rapid. Beneath my hand on his back, I can feel his heart race.

"You like to take care of me?" he asks.

I sigh and press my lips to his hair again. "Very much. All I want is to see you happy." I pause before I let the words that want to follow come out. "I want to be the one to make you happy."

Felton isn't actually touching me. He's tightly wrapped in his blankets, and then I've basically put him in a cocoon by wrapping myself around him. The most he can do is press his face into me.

But he tries. He tries to pull his hands out and get closer.

"Why?" he asks again.

"I don't know. You snuck up on me, and I wasn't expecting to feel this way."

"Is it because you feel bad for me? You want to fix me?" he whispers.

His words make my eyes open, and I frown into the dimly lit room. The sun isn't out today, it's gray and listless. I have a feeling he's been made to feel like he's a project for someone to fix before.

Pushing him gently away, I roll him onto his back and hover over him. When he tries to turn his face away, I bring it back, so he doesn't have a choice but to look into my eyes. "You're not broken, so there's nothing to fix. And even when I first stopped over here, I didn't feel bad for you, Felton. I was concerned for my teammate and friend. I came here because I care."

He inhales shakily. "Sorry," he whispers. It's almost inaudible.

Okay, maybe I've lost a bit of control right now because I press my lips to his. Lightly but firmly, too. He jumps, surprised. I can feel his arms try to rise reflexively, but he's still very much pinned inside his blankets. Aware that he's completely at my mercy right now, I take my mouth from his.

He chases it and that's apparently all the encouragement I need, so I kiss him again. This time, he responds. Once again, he tries to pull his hands free. I shift to allow him one while I tangle my fingers in his hair. Kissing him the way I've been imagining whenever I close my eyes.

His hand lands on my back, fisting in my shirt. Pulling me to him.

It would be far too easy to let this progress right now—he is almost naked under the blankets. But I don't want to go there. Not like this. Definitely not right now.

It's a struggle to pull my mouth from his again. His eyes are wide as he stares at me. Shocked.

I chuckle.

"Are you gay?" he asks, completely surprised.

This time, I laugh. "No. But I've kind of toed the line with bisexual for a while now," I tell him. Since the femboy that I shared with my friends, though I leave that part out. Brushing my thumb over his cheek, I stare into his eyes. "This has nothing to do with your gender or the sausage you're packing, Fel. It has everything to do with you. You as a person."

I hit something raw because tears immediately fill his eyes. It's all the confirmation I need to know that he doesn't think much of himself. Anger fills me, knowing that he's been groomed to feel this way about himself by the people who were supposed to support and love him.

"Really?" Felton asks, skeptically.

Sighing, I press my lips to his again in a quick kiss, then rest my forehead against his. "Yes, really. You're one of the best people I know."

Felton shakes his head. I'm not sure he's arguing with me so much as disbelieving me.

"Look at me." He raises his eyes and I can see his insecurities shining out. "I want to be here. With you. If that's something you want too."

"Yes," he says and his arm tightens around me. "I just… I didn't think you… I don't understand why you want me."

"We'll work on your self-image, Fel. But trust me when I tell you I've been fighting my attraction to you for a while now." The surprise in his eyes has me smiling. "I've been trying to keep some distance between us because I know you're going through some stressful and heavy shit, and I didn't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you in any way. All I want is what's best for you. I want to lift you up. To make you smile and feel good about yourself. I don't want to take advantage of you, but you've been living a life where people do that at every turn. I won't be one of those people, Fel. And if you're not ready to share a bit of your life with me, that's okay. There's no hurry."

"You're not real," he says, eyes narrowing. "I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

I laugh and roll us, so he's on top of me. Felton scrambles to get his arms free so he can lift his weight up as he stares down with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. But I pull his face down to mine. "If you're dreaming, then so am I. I've been imagining this moment for a long time."

"To be with me," he clarifies.

"Definitely to be with you. I'm not even sure when that transition started in my head, but somehow, it's always you I've been looking for when I didn't realize I was looking for someone at all."

I pull him down and he comes reluctantly. He's a big guy and I think he's conscious of just how big he is. But he eventually rests on top of me, gradually letting me take his weight as I bring my arms around him, hugging him to me.

Felton sighs. It's so comfortable, so natural, that we both fall asleep and practically sleep the day away as we roll on the bed and adjust positions occasionally. I think more than anything, Felton needed to feel the comfort of knowing someone is there who wants to be there. Someone who wants to hold him and protect him from the world. So he gives in to the exhaustions he's been carrying around and sleeps.

Me? I think I'm slightly dumbfounded by the way this morning went. When I made the decision to come over, it wasn't with an agenda. I just wanted to see him. To be in his presence. To make sure he's okay and not struggling with something.

I hadn't planned to confess the shit that I've only barely worked out in my head. But here we are and I definitely don't want to take any of it back. I don't want this to change.

However, as it turns out, we're a little too comfortable and by the time we wake up for real, it's forty minutes before we're supposed to be at the team's holiday gathering. For this reason alone, we're up and passing through his shower quickly without any groping and minimal touching. I had the foresight to bring my suit, so I leave Felton in his closet while I run out to grab it.

When I return, he's right where I left him, so I take out the guesswork and hand him one of his suits. His shoulders relax and he dresses with a grateful smile as I dress alongside him. There's a sense of comfortable domesticity in this moment that under other circumstances I'd have taken a moment to reflect on.

However, we're already going to be late, so I don't have that luxury right now.

We arrive only twenty minutes later. I nod to where Willits and Dasan are sitting against the wall talking with Marion Arivitis and his wife. He gives me a smile and heads for them.

I watch, maybe admire, him for a minute before I turn and come face to face with my closest friends on the team. Only… something's different. There's a pretty girl on Denny's arm. A pretty girl with a very obvious baby belly and a giant ring that keeps catching the light and blinding me.

Zenia is slightly behind him, looking at me with wide eyes.

"Hey," Denny says, and I do the whole bro handshake with both of them. "This is my fiancée, Sally."

I stare at him for probably a heartbeat too long before offering her a smile. She seems nice. And I have a lot of questions.

It's a while before I can ask them when Sally's sitting with the other wives, girlfriends, and dates of our teammates.

"I think you have some explaining to do," I say, glancing at Felton for maybe the hundredth time.

"Dude, I think you do too," Denny retorts.

"You first," Zenia says. "Fiancée? What the fuck?"

Denny sighs. "She told me she was pregnant, and I panic proposed," he explains. "I haven't figured out how to get out of it yet."

"You—wait, what?!" Zenia says. "You panic proposed ? Is that even a thing?!"

The way Denny glares at Zenia, I decide that right now, I'm just going to listen. I don't want that glare on me.

"Dude, when is she due?" Zenia asks.

Denny presses his lips together and glances at me. "A month."

"A fucking month?" Zenia hisses, leaning in. "We've had like three groupies in the last—what, seven months!"

"Eight and yeah, I know."

"Not to mention the chicks you hook up with when we're on the road!"

Denny looks at me and I have a feeling that look says he's also maybe been working on his research. Has he solo fucked a man? The way the corner of his lip quirks in my direction, I think maybe he has. I raise an eyebrow as he turns back to Zenia.

"Look. It was an accident. Everything about it was an accident. Not only do I not love her, but I don't want to get married. She's a smart girl; I'm sure she knows that. I'm sure she knows that I'm not…" Denny huffs. "This is temporary."

"A child is permanent," I deadpan.

He waves his hand. "I can be a father and not be married to their mother. Coming from a household where your parents very clearly hated each other, I can say with quite a bit of confidence that I don't want to raise a child in an environment that could lead to that. And if I go through with this marriage, that's exactly what's going to happen. Neither of them deserves that."

"How the hell do you panic propose?" Zenia asks, shaking his head in disbelief.

"When she says, ‘I'm carrying your baby' and the first thing you think is that everyone is going to expect you to get married and raise that child in a proper household. So I said, ‘we should probably get married.'" He shrugs.

"The fact I understand that is sick," Zenia says.

Denny shrugs. "But like, when is the right time? Right before Christmas? Right after? Right before, during, or after she gives birth? In those first months when she's postpartum?" He shakes his head. "I don't fucking know what to do right now to fix this."

"I'm disturbed that you've been cheating on her," I say.

He shrugs again. "Yeah, so am I. But I'm horny, I have questions, and I'm not interested in being with her. Shitty excuse or not, here we are."

My gaze travels to Felton and Denny's words drift through my head. Here we are. The difference is, I'm excited to be where I am right now. I'm excited about starting this relationship with Felton.

He glances up and a smile flashes across his face. The knowledge that I put it there simply by looking at him has me feeling all kinds of sappy.

Yes indeed, here we are.