Eighteen

EIGHTEEN

FELTON

After the Calgary win, I'm feeling better than I have in a while. There was the little blip after the game where I might have fallen down the rabbit hole, though I'm not entirely sure what made me fall. Someone probably said something that wasn't directed at or toward me, but I got triggered into shutting down.

Much in the same way I do around my father. Still, I feel better. I feel like I can smile again.

Maybe that's because Ren brought me home with him. He fed me and then held me that night. There was something about it that pushed away all the nasty negativity that was trying to cling to me.

That's how I imagined this feeling. An insect with long pincers, trying to dig into me and latch on. Alone, I'm not able to get it dislodged, but Ren knows the secret. He knows how to push it off.

The next day, he brought me home and I gave him my cell phone. While I went about cleaning up the house I've barely been in, Ren blocked numbers and disconnected the voicemail. Now all blocked numbers would just end. Hopefully, they wouldn't even ring first before they were shut down.

Once I was finished putting laundry in and replacing the bedding with something clean, I found Ren standing outside the sliding doors to my balcony, looking at my wind chimes. I can't imagine that he's looking beyond them since there are twenty-nine of various shapes and sizes hanging everywhere, obstructing the view.

Not that the view was awful. I just like wind chimes and their ability to override the sounds in my head.

"You like wind chimes," Ren comments.

When I glance at him, I find he's teasing me, so I grin. "I could have worse collections. Like fingernails."

He looks at me with an eyebrow raised and I laugh. "It's a thing. I've seen it online. Though I may have gagged when I saw it."

He chuckles.

Ren didn't stay. I think he hung around long enough to make sure I wasn't going to lose my mind before he took his leave. We've had three games in the last nine days and have won two of the three.

Now it's day ten of being home and I'm not sure what to do with myself. Knowing that my father can't call, text, or leave me a voice message helps to relieve some of the pressure. Neither can my former agent, whom Imry has already begun the process of suing for… he used some big, technical words, but basically taking advantage of me and stuff.

I'm a free agent right now, which I know isn't wise, but Ren promises Imry will review anything I need that an agent would do between now and when I find another. Not that I've been looking. I told Ren I looked at the list he gave me, and I have, but I haven't looked beyond that.

It's overwhelming and I'm far too afraid of fucking up again. I turn into a shaking, shut down mess when anyone starts yelling at me. The agents don't start out that way, but… what if I choose one that will end up that way? Just like my previous.

Once, I thought about getting an eight ball or something and letting fate make my decisions for me. It'd probably do a better job. I swear, it doesn't matter what I do; the choices I make in life are always the wrong ones, according to my father and my agent.

And sometimes everyone else around me.

You should have stopped that puck.

Why didn't you attend that charity event?

I know you can lift more than that.

Closing my eyes, I shut everything out and search the quiet sounds for the whispering notes of my wind chimes. It's not windy right now, so there's only a hint of their hushed melody drifting through the air.

After allowing their sweet voices to wipe my thoughts clean, I throw the blankets off and sit up. My room is just how I left it. Kind of bare with my clothes from the previous day strewn all over the floor.

I rub my hands over my face, trying to dislodge the sleep and then push myself up to my feet. Instead of bending over, I pick up each article of clothing with my toes and try to kick-toss them into the air for me to catch. As a goalie, I should have superb reflexes. A single sock goes errant, but that's because I may have almost tripped over the rug next to my bed.

How did you get hurt again?

I was trying to kick a sock into the air and lost my balance.

The imagined conversation makes me smirk. I dump my clothes into my hamper and pull on a pair of shorts over underwear, and grab a hoodie with my phone in my hand. I remote start my car from the app on my phone so it's warm by the time I grab a bottle of water and get my sneakers on.

Days without hockey are very long for me. There's too much time, too much silence, for me to think. I used to fill those days with my ReachMe account and content. I'm really not sure what I did before that. Now I don't even dare log in to any of the accounts I've subscribed to. What if someone found me there? Would I end up on the internet again as some sick gay guy who subscribes to porn?

People spend far too much time caring about what others do with their life. Although it's almost always my father's voice in my head that's berating me, I can't always block everyone else out.

I head to the arena for conditioning. When we don't have practice during the regular season, we're required to concentrate on other areas. Sometimes through conditioning and other times through skill drills. I did skills for the last few non-practice days, so I decide to focus on my legs today with weights and strength training.

There are a few players in the gym by the time I step inside. They acknowledge me with a nod of their head and sometimes an absent smile. I know them not giving me much attention isn't a reflection of me. I know that . They're focused on what they're doing. There are times the voices in my head try to convince me otherwise.

Taking a deep breath, I hop on the treadmill for a warmup. It's not about cardio so much as it is getting my muscles ready.

I stay for three hours as I watch my teammates come and go. There's no reason for me to stay, but there's also nothing to look forward to when I get home. Unconsciously, I'm likely waiting for Ren. Which is probably pretty stupid since he is the early morning type. He's probably already come in and left before I even got out of bed.

Just as I'm about to give up, Dasan walks into the room with Coach Shively. I don't know what they're saying, but Dasan is grinning with our coach shaking his head.

Dasan looks up as he approaches and grins when he sees me. He changes his trajectory and heads for the bike next to the one I'm on. Grabbing the hem of his tee, he pulls it up over his head and drops it on the ground beside the bike before climbing on.

Coach stops by me. "You okay, Felton?" he asks.

I smile and give him a nod. "Yes, Coach."

"You've been here a while."

Sighing, I shrug. "I'm bored at home. Decided to entertain myself here for a bit."

He studies me as he nods absently. "Okay. Don't overdo it. I don't want you to be so overworked tomorrow that you're exhausted in the net."

I nod. His eyes glance to Dasan before he moves on, stopping at the weights where Marion is benching.

Looking at Dasan, I find him lazily pedaling as he's messing with his phone.

Not going to lie… I'd had a crush on him when we first met. He's got this perfect body—all tight and shaped to perfection. There's muscle, but he's not bulky. The V of his hips pointing south is so damn pronounced and I can't stop myself from staring sometimes. Especially since he has his belly button pierced and his pants are almost always riding low on his hips.

And his dick is pierced too, though I haven't spent a lot of time looking at that either. But fuck, I'm a gay guy and when there's something shiny on someone's cock, I can't stop myself from sneaking some peeks.

He has this really masculine jawline that I love. His hair is black as night, as are his pronounced eyebrows, and his eyes are just as dark. He's got his ears pierced, though for obvious reasons, there aren't always earrings in them, but when there are, they're usually studs of some kind. Today, they look like diamonds.

His long hair is pulled back in an elastic. About an inch over his ears, the bottom half of his head is shaved. Well, it's usually shaved. But it's been growing in for a few weeks now.

I really love his skin. The warm, smooth, darker tones of his skin had me spending months obsessing over the idea of licking him. He's just one of those pretty tones that you know is natural. Not just because it's impeccably even, but you can see the indigenous in him. He's just… regal. And pretty.

Dasan looks up and grins when he sees me staring at him. "I'd say you can take a picture, but I don't want to be jerking fodder," he teases.

I roll my eyes. "You already are, Dassy." There's a chance that I bat my lashes at him.

His smile widens and he sets his phone down. "Why're you here so late?" he asks.

"I could ask you the same thing." Do I glance at Coach as he leaves the room pointedly? Maybe.

Dasan chuckles. "He was on his way to check on you when I walked into the hall."

"Why?"

"Because you've been here for hours." His expression is less amused now. "Are you really okay?"

I sigh and shrug. "Yeah, I'm fine. I meant it—home is boring." Now that I don't have porn to entertain myself with.

Obviously, I don't add that.

He nods. "I have a new video game. We can play after. Your place?"

"What's wrong with yours?"

"I broke my controller," he admits, laughing. "Now there isn't enough for more than just me."

"I told you—they make vibrators specifically for that. You don't need to try to manipulate the controller to reach that spot, Dasan."

Dasan barks laughter. "Fel, the fact that's where your mind goes makes me wonder how many controllers you've gone through."

"None." I sniff. "I have the right toys for the job."

He laughs again, shaking his head.

Now that I have someone to keep me company, I'm ready to leave when Willits gets there and goes through the bare minimum routine before he's ready to go. He looks like he didn't sleep at all last night.

"What happened to you?" Dasan asks, nudging Willits with his shoulder.

Willits grunts. "Neighbors were up all night fighting. Literally—All. Night. I swear, I heard gunshots at one point."

"Where do you live again?" I ask.

He snorts but doesn't answer.

There's a chilly breeze that grabs me when we walk outside. I smile into it, knowing that my wind chimes will be singing brightly when we get back to my house.

I'm glad to have my friends over. While Dasan sets up, I grab something to eat and make a few protein shakes—one with some extra caffeine for Willits so he doesn't fall asleep—and join them. For a while, it's as if the last few months didn't happen. It feels normal. Happy. I'm glad to lose myself in the hours of mindless video gaming until they leave somewhere around midnight.

I wake up out of a dead sleep, sweating and panting. It's as if someone is standing over my bed with a knife. For a minute, I'm paralyzed by fear with my heart racing as I stare into the dark room. When I finally find the courage to move, I roll to the side and flick on the light before looking around my bedroom.

The shadows shrink, but they're still there. Reaching in. Oh, god!

With a shaking hand, I reach for the phone and dial before I can think better of it. My eyes dart around, looking for the source of what woke me up, ready to jump out of my skin. My flight or fight reflex is very strong right now, and it's screaming at me to run.

"Felton?"

"Something woke me up," I say and realize how absolutely absurd it sounds. "I-I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do. What do I do right now, Ren?"

"Take a breath."

I breathe in and let it out in a whoosh.

Ren chuckles. "Not what I meant. Where are you?"

"Bed," I say.

"Take your blankets and pillows and go into the living room. Do you have a heated blanket?"

I nod. "Yes."

"Bring that with you."

Without question, I do as he says.

"You have a couch just under the windows that face your balcony, don't you?" Ren asks.

"Yes."

"Set up there. Plug in your blanket and turn it on."

I arrange my bedding on the couch. The chill of the room makes the little hairs stand up all over my body. There are moments when I can't help but glance behind me as if I'm sure that whatever woke me up is right there. Watching.

Not for the first time, I really need someone to wrap around me right now and tell me it's okay.

It's hard to convince my racing mind that even the muffled sound of my wind chimes can cut through this unease.

"I'm done," I say quietly.

"Open your windows and crawl into the blankets," Ren orders.

Taking a breath, I do. The cold December air rushes in as soon as I open the first pane. I shudder. My dick tries to draw up into my body.

When the second window is pushed open and the sounds of my wind chimes fill the room, I crawl under my blankets and hunker down to wait for instructions.

"Close your eyes, Fel." His voice is smooth, quiet. Soothing. I sigh and close my eyes. "Breathe with me. Inhale and hold it for two seconds. Then release it slowly."

I match my breathing to his, sure I can hear it only because he's trying to breathe loudly.

It isn't long before the quiet sounds of his breath and the wind chimes outside lull me to sleep again.