Thirteen

THIRTEEN

REN

I am so. Fucking. Hard.

As I watched them fuck Felton, I realized that we always have an order. Carson, Zenia, Denny, me, and Kroy is always last. His cock is huge, so usually by the time we get there, the girl—or guy, I suppose—is well stretched for him.

After Denny, they all looked at me expectantly. It's not like I could hide my erection. But I shook my head, which might have been one of the most difficult decisions of my entire life.

But I can't fuck Felton. I just can't go there. He needs someone in his corner, someone on his side to fight with him. Knowing what I do about him, it would feel a lot like taking advantage of him if I joined in fucking him.

But I sooooo want to.

When Kroy finally gets up, his eyes meet mine. I can barely catch my breath. He smirks and straightens, turning to the others and heading for the door. He grabs his underwear on the way out and the door clicks quietly behind them.

"I came twice," Felton murmurs.

A smile touches my lips as I rest my hand on his shoulder, and he sighs. After a minute, he rolls to his side and presses his covered face into my leg. My fingers manipulate the buckles at the back of his head, undoing the mask.

"They'll see me," he whispers, though he makes no move to stop me.

"They've already left the room. The door's shut. I'll protect your identity," I assure him.

Except they already know who he is. How could they not after his tattoo and the accusations have been all over the internet? It was a smarter decision to tell them upfront who he was than to let them figure it out when they saw his tattoo.

I'm protecting his identity by keeping them anonymous. I know they won't say anything outside of our protected circle. That's not the kind of people they are.

Gently, I pull his mask from his head and then lift the eye mask. I had the foresight to set some things next to the bed before anyone showed up. Reaching for the cloth in the bowl of cool water, I wring it out and then gently wash his face.

His eyes flutter open when I finish, but his pupils are still blown. I smooth the cloth through his hair for the second round, leaving a little more water in it.

"Feeling okay?" I ask.

His smile is dazed as he nods. "Yeah."

"Was it everything you hoped it would be?"

He nods again. Felton presses his face into my leg, wrapping his arm around it like he's hugging a pillow. His hand brushes dangerously close to my straining dick. Fuck, I need to come.

I'm torn between having enjoyed the show and strange feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. The jealousy I could write off as something easily explained. We always group fuck together. I was there, but it wasn't the same thing. We didn't need to communicate that out loud to know that they felt the same way. I could see it in their faces when they looked at me after Denny's turn. Because that was my turn next, and I didn't take it.

But possessiveness? The growing feeling that I wanted to pull him away from them and fuck him myself without them? I can't quite explain that away. Is it because I've been trying to protect him? Because I'm trying to help him get into a better place? Maybe because we're becoming friends?

Felton sighs contentedly and I look down at him again. I've never seen his face so serene. Sex for Felton means something different than it does for a lot of people. He's not just flying high right now. This isn't just a euphoric, fucked state of tiredness.

He feels good about himself. This moment has brought him peace. Is it the act of sex itself that facilitated that or something else? I know the things he's told me and I've put some pieces together. But seeing it for myself adds another layer of clues to solving the puzzle that is Felton Badcock and getting him into a better place mentally.

Felton definitely enjoyed the whole thing. There's no doubt about that. He loved being used, over and over, I suspected he would. He hasn't exactly said it outright, but only because he hasn't worded it in that specific way. I have no doubt in my mind that he would rather be used during sex than worry about himself.

It wasn't until Kroy got him talking a little bit that I might have pinpointed what he really thrives on during sex. In a twisted way, this ties in with his father and the man he's shaped Felton into with his constant shit talking.

Felton has very low self-worth. His confidence is exactly zero. There were little glimpses of what Felton needed when Denny, Zenia, and Carson commented, but Kroy truly unlocked what Felton needed.

He doesn't need to feel good physically. This is entirely a mental game for him. Which I'd gathered over the last few weeks without putting it together entirely when we talked about his ReachMe account.

This is about other people telling him he's doing something right. Even if it's all superficial. He's not letting someone down right now. They like what he's doing. They like how he makes them feel. He likes the way he imagines they're looking at him and thinking about him.

If I have to wager a guess, this is the only point in his life where negativity doesn't penetrate.

His father has had a hand in shaping this part of him by criticizing virtually everything about Felton and how he lives his life, Felton's sex life is the one place his father hasn't been. It's no wonder that Felton finds safety there. He's never heard the voice of his father in those moments because his father hasn't ever been in those moments.

Honestly, knowing this, it's rather remarkable that Felton isn't a major slut. Like, he totally could be. Especially if sex is the one place where he can turn off the pressure, negativity, stress, and disapproval that he's lived with his entire life.

Still, he manages to be careful and selective, even in this aspect of his life.

My fingers are still running through his hair softly as I stare at his face. He's asleep. Still wrapped around my leg. Even though I've been lost in thought, my cock is still hard.

Sighing, I gently disentangle myself from Felton. His eyes flutter and his grip tightens. "Sleep," I murmur. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Felton lets me go. I grab a blanket from the closet and wrap him up before placing a bottle of water next to him. Closing the blinds, I leave the room and head to my bathroom for a shower.

It's incredibly predictable that I jerk myself under the spray of water and maybe even less surprising that I'm picturing the entire gang bang again while I do. Only this time, I'm taking Felton too. But unlike every other group fuck we've done, I'm last. I take him with his mask off so he can see me fucking him.

If I were ever to freak about a change in my sexuality, it would have been the first time we took a guy. There's something almost comforting that the experience happened with my closest friends. In a way, I think because we all went through it together, we inherently understood that this was okay. It was okay to be turned on by a guy. It was fine to enjoy it.

I'm thankful that the moment happened a while ago. It means that the unsettling feeling in my chest can be focused on without compounding on a sexuality crisis.

Felton's gender isn't a concern. It's that he's Felton. He's incredibly vulnerable right now, and his confidence is shit. I know how much he's struggling.

I, under no circumstances, should be turned on by this man. I'm supposed to be supporting him.

Once dressed, I peek into the spare room where Felton is still asleep. He looks relaxed. Peaceful, so I close the door quietly and let him sleep it off.

I'm surprised to find that my four friends are still here, sitting where I left them in the den when Felton arrived. They're in various states of dress and dampness, so I guess that they all passed through the guest shower.

They're not speaking. Four sets of eyes train on me when I stand in the doorway.

"You good?" I ask.

"We're not going to talk about this?" Zenia asks.

I chuckle. "It's done, Zen. What do you want to talk about?"

He sighs. "I don't know." His tone is quiet, and I think that while I'm not worried about the fact that I'm possibly turned on by men, perhaps Zenia is.

"You didn't have to agree," Carson tells him.

Zenia shakes his head. "This is always a group sport. You guys wanted to do it."

"Woah, hold on," Kroy says. "That's not?—"

Zenia holds up his hand. "Not what I meant. Sorry. I think I'm feeling a little panicky right now. I'm not sure if it's because he's a dude or because he's a teammate. Both aspects of this are warring right now."

"I'm going to grab something to eat. Then we can talk until you feel better about it," I compromise.

I grab chips because they're easy and I have a surprising number of bags. They must have been on sale or something. When I return, I sit in the chair where I can see down the hall toward the door Felton's behind. It's a little precarious keeping this as anonymous as it is for Felton if the guys are still here and he's asleep.

"He okay?" Denny asks.

Shrugging, I toss a couple bags of chips their way. "No, but that has nothing to do with today. He enjoyed this a lot."

"It's been pretty obvious he's been struggling," Denny says. "Since the accusations."

I nod. "It's… yeah." It's more than that. I wanted to say it's a lot deeper than that single incident, but that's not my place. Instead I say, "Sometimes it takes a single incident to make the tower you're precariously standing on come tumbling down."

"What's he need?" Carson asks. "Can we do something for him?"

"You just did," I answer, smirking.

He rolls his eyes.

"No, really. You did, even though it may just feel like sex."

"He needed to be fucked in a four-way?" Zenia asks.

I shrug. Even if I've now fully worked out what it means to him, I'm not sharing that. There's a chance he hasn't fully worked out why he feels the way he does.

"Come on, Zen. Talk. You upset about his cock or how much you enjoyed his hole?" Kroy asks, kicking his foot.

Zenia rolls his eyes. "Maybe I've been questioning a lot since the first guy, but I could convince myself it wasn't a big deal because we'd thought he was a girl. He was feminine and soft. I could close my eyes and pretend." He shakes his head. "There's zero about Felton that's any of those things."

"And yet, you enjoyed it," Carson says.

I'll give it to him. Zenia doesn't deny it. He doesn't appear incredibly stressed. Surprised, maybe. Confused.

"Look, man," Kroy cuts in, "sexuality is a societal construct. We're literally brainwashed from a very young age that we're straight. Maybe unintentionally, but in cartoons we see straight parents, everywhere we look we see straight couples, in music there's a he and she line sung by the opposite sex. I'm not even going to touch on the religious and political sides of it. Heterosexuality is practically shoved down our throats and we don't know it's happening. Then we grow up a little and the slurs start. We don't know what they mean, but we can see the direction they're pointed and innately absorb that into us, as well as the negative connotation we associate with it. By the time we're able to truly form our own opinions, the world has already been colored in and now we have to struggle through it trying to make sense of how we feel and what we think."

I'm not the only one just staring at him. I didn't realize Kroy has such… depth to him. Not that I've ever thought he was stupid. He's not in the least. But this is more opinionated than I've ever seen him.

"I'm not even going to deny that everything you just said sounds valid and I can see it," Zenia says.

"Shit." Carson chuckles, shaking his head.

"But it doesn't necessarily comfort me right now. Especially since I'm not even sure that's what I'm upset about," Zenia admits.

"The fact that you're touching on masculinity and femininity says that you are," Kroy challenges. "And that's fine. But seriously, this isn't a you problem, Zen. You enjoyed it, yeah?"

Zenia nods, only frowning a little.

"That's really the only thing that matters," Kroy promises. "Everything else is just noise."

Two very insightful things in one day. One of them from Kroy. Maybe three insightful things if I include the sudden change in my thoughts concerning Felton, but since I'm not entirely ready to address that right now, I'm not going to. That needs more consideration.

We continue to talk for a while, and I check in on Felton every half hour or so. He remains fast asleep. It's late by the time the guys leave. I don't wake Felton before I go to bed, but he's gone when I get up in the morning.

For some reason, I'm disappointed that he's not here.