9. Brooke

NINE

brOOKE

I 'd had sex with Jude.

Jude, my pal.

My pal, Jude.

And I had no idea what to do with myself. Had no idea what or how to feel.

One minute, we were laughing and joking and getting high. The next, we were kissing and touching and getting naked.

I wasn't thinking. Not when he pushed me down to the couch—or I pulled him; I didn't know. Either way, I'd thrown all common sense out the window. I'd let myself be swept up in the weight of him, in the heat of his mouth, in the gentle way he'd touched me. Not only did I not stop my friend from giving me an orgasm, but I'd practically begged him to.

And now! Now , I knew what his hard cock looked like. I knew what it felt like. I knew—dear god—I knew how good it was.

I could only hope it was my imagination. Like, it had been so long since I'd had sex that I'd imagined how good it was. A feast after a famine .

Because I didn't think I could bear what it meant otherwise.

That everything I'd felt for this guy, the relationship we'd built over the last five or six years, had been irrevocably changed. I wouldn't be able to handle losing him.

"What were you thinking?" I snapped at myself as I yanked a makeup wipe out from the packet and scrubbed my face clean in the bathroom mirror. "You weren't thinking, you idiot."

I grumbled and threw the dirty wipe in the garbage.

This wasn't me. I didn't make decisions on a whim. I was thoughtful and deliberate about my choices. I didn't jump into bed with anyone.

Then again, this wasn't anyone . This was Jude.

My Jude.

My sweet and funny friend.

"Oh my god!" I shrieked as I stripped off my clothes, flicking the shower on. "He saw me naked!"

I could only assume that now that he knew what I looked like under my clothes, he'd think of it whenever we were together. Because I sure as shit wouldn't forget about the soft sandy-colored hair on his chest, his "dad bod," which I liked even though he didn't, and the thick length of him jutting out toward me.

"He's supposed to be having sex with other people. Other people," I moaned, thumping my forehead against the shower wall.

I was supposed to be helping him.

Which…maybe I did.

I spun under the showerhead, letting the hot water soothe me. It didn't fully drain my anxiety, but it did slow my spiraling thoughts.

Jude had such a hard time with the idea of being with other women because he still mourned Mira, so it might have been a good thing he got that first time over with me. Especially since he'd broken down after. If it was guilt or grief, I didn't know, but I was sure he wouldn't have wanted anyone else witnessing that. Jude prided himself on being "fine."

So fine, he lived in stasis. He'd admitted to me on more than one occasion that he struggled to balance being a grieving husband and a single father. He never wanted Sebastian and Amelia to know how hard it was for him, so he had locked himself down, pretended he could handle being the captain of the ship alone. But too much in any one direction, and he feared the boat would tip.

Tonight, the boat hadn't tipped. It had capsized.

I only hoped our friendship wouldn't drown in the wreckage.

I washed my face, ignoring the pictures flashing in my mind, the ones of us laughing while kissing, joking while we'd lain naked on the couch, the way his dark eyes had dilated when I told him to hold my wrist tighter.

I knew so much about Jude, and he knew a lot about me, yet tonight, we'd shared pieces of each other that would be impossible to forget.

How he'd kissed me like a starving man and I was his favorite food.

How he'd grunted quietly when he'd orgasmed as if he was afraid to be too loud.

How he'd clung to me when he'd cried like I was his lifeline.

I wouldn't be able to forget any of that.

Even as I convinced myself I had to.

I rinsed off my body, careful of the tender flesh between my legs. I should've known Jude would be nothing short of respectful during sex. He was a gentleman in every sense of the word. Not only had he made sure I orgasmed first, but he hadn't batted an eyelash at giving me what I needed to accomplish it.

The boyfriend bar was in hell for heterosexual men .

For me, though, the bar hadn't been raised; Jude had thrown it into another universe.

I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower to wrap myself up in a towel. I brushed my teeth, ridding myself of the last physical evidence of Jude.

I wouldn't be able to taste him on my lips anymore.

Smell him on my skin.

Only after I changed into my pajamas and snuggled under the covers did I check my phone, finding a text from Jude.

Jude

Are you okay?

I'm good.

Are you okay?

Jude

Yeah. I'm fine.

I huffed a laugh and reached my hand out to Dorothy, but instead of cuddling against me, she waddled to the other end of the bed.

She must've known what happened with Jude.

Some kind of cat intuition.

And she hated me for it. Jealous shrew.

I plopped my head back on my pillow and held my cell phone up to type.

Is it going to be weird between us now?

The answer was yes. Yes, it was going to be weird between us.

Jude

I don't know .

I gave in to a pitiful whimper, slapping my hand to my forehead.

Jude

I don't want it to be weird.

Me neither.

I had no other bright ideas, so…

What if we forget it happened and never mention it again?

It took a minute for him to respond. A minute that made my neck prickle with sweat.

Jude

Does that ever work?

First time for everything.

Jude

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah. Of course.

Tomorrow was Saturday, farmers market day. No going back now.

I packed up the green beans in a paper bag to hand over to a customer as I heard a sweet, elfin voice call out, "Brooke!"

I finished up the transaction and turned in time to bend, catching Amelia in a hug. "Hey, girlfriend. What's going on?"

"Can you do my hair?" She patted her head with one of her ever-present stuffed unicorns.

"Yes. Of course. But where's your dad? "

"Nana and Pop dropped us off," she said, pointing in the direction of Jude's stall. I barely saw the top of his head through the crowd, but Sebastian was easy enough to spot, slowly making his way to us. Probably because he was supposed to escort his little sister here.

I waved at him. "Hey, Seb. How are you?"

"All right," he mumbled, then shot Amelia a glare. "You can't run away from me like that."

The market covered two blocks, with tents set up in the cordoned-off street. Though small, it attracted a fair number of people looking for fresh produce or gourmet goods. We were all relatively safe here, but Amelia was only five and quite tiny for her age. I caught her gaze, reiterating her brother's point. "He's right. Don't go running off."

She stuck her tongue in the corner of her mouth and covered half her face, obviously embarrassed at her behavior, so I hugged her again then spun her around to comb my fingers through her hair. "How do you want me to do it?"

"Braid! Like Elsa."

"You got it."

I dug into the pocket of my overalls for an extra hair tie and tried to tame her wild curls as I spoke to Sebastian. "I heard you two had a movie night with your grandparents last night. How was that?"

Amelia pumped her unicorn up and down. "Awesome!"

Sebastian shrugged, craning his neck around, as if seeking an escape. He was ten going on twenty, and the older he got, the more he looked like his father. The same wide brow and nose, with the dark coloring of his mother. Little Amelia was a twin of Mira, from her pint-size stature to her eyes, though Sebastian's personality was closer to his mother's, quiet and considerate. Amelia, on the other hand, was born of pure sugar, sweet and full of energy, a pixie all of her own making.

I separated her hair into three sections, careful to keep her curls in as I wound them together. Admittedly, I was vain about my own hair. I'd always loved my hair, but I'd become especially attached to it after my cancer. It was the one thing that made me feel feminine anymore, and funnily enough, it was what Mira and I had bonded over when we'd met. She'd had a full head of long black curls, and we'd traded hair care secrets.

I wouldn't say Mira and I were best friends, but we were more than acquaintances. I still had her number in my cell phone, hesitant to delete it. But now, after last night? I wondered how long girl code lasted. If I should feel guilty. Because I didn't, and I imagined she'd be happy if Jude was happy.

Her sudden death had rocked her family and the wider community since the Grays were well-known from their candy business. All of us regular vendors at the market had rallied around Jude as much as we could. I had taken it upon myself to check in regularly, which had snowballed into the friendship we had now.

Or not.

I didn't know.

We still hadn't spoken to each other today. Usually, we took turns treating each other to Miss Diane's coffee. I had yet to find a place with a better brew than the tent at West Chester's Farmers Market.

I liked an iced French vanilla, while Jude was partial to the French roast, but really, a person couldn't go wrong with any order.

But I hadn't bothered picking it up this morning. Neither had Jude. And it sucked running my booth uncaffeinated all morning.

"Finished," I said, tapping Amelia on the shoulder.

She whirled around, whipping her plait over her shoulder, pointing at my own braid. "Twins!"

I smiled, hands on my hips, shimmying my shoulders until Amelia laughed. I split my attention between the siblings. "Got big plans for today?"

Amelia hopped up and down. "Da-daddy said we'll build me a new Lego set tonight!"

"Ooh, that sounds fun." I tipped my head to Sebastian. "What about you?"

"I've got a baseball game."

"That's right. Your summer league started, right?" When he only nodded, I tried again. "Maybe I'll come to one of your games. I'd love to see you play."

He had no reaction one way or the other, so I offered him a smile and stood up, tossing a hand out to Nicole, a young girl I paid under the table to help me out at the market. "Be back in five." Then I took hold of Amelia's hand. It was time to face the music. "Come on. Let's go back to your dad."

Sebastian trailed behind me and Amelia as she chattered on about her unicorn, the one she swung beside her named Purse. Amelia was obsessed with unicorns. I'd met a handful of them: Big Unicorn, Small Unicorn, Purse, Sophia, Butter and Bread—twins, obviously—and Baby Unicorn. I'd given her Small Unicorn for her first birthday. A small—duh—white unicorn with pale-pink hair and tail. It was supposed to play music after winding it up, but I knew for a fact that it had long ago lost the ability after Jude had put it in the washer because Amelia had thrown up on it. He didn't realize it wouldn't work if it got wet. But she still loved it.

And I loved that.

We stopped at the Gray's Candy stall, and I helped myself to a stick of watermelon licorice as Jude finished up with a customer. When he finally turned to face me, tension bracketed his features. I chose to ignore it. "Found these two ragamuffins begging for brussels sprouts."

"No!" Amelia giggled. "Gross!"

I ruffled her hair, laughing, and Jude loosened up a bit too. Sebastian, on the other hand, heaved a sigh fit for a brooding teenager as opposed to a ten-year-old and threw himself on the folding chair behind Jude's table.

It was about closing time, and Jude glanced over his shoulder at his son. "Why don't you start packing up the boxes, and we can get out of here?"

Sebastian didn't respond, merely pulled his handheld gaming system from his pocket.

"Seb." When he didn't answer, Jude repeated, "Sebastian. Help me to start packing up, and we'll be able to get out of here faster."

Sebastian eventually followed his dad's direction but only after rolling his eyes and slipping off the chair like he'd been asked to clean up piles of elephant poop.

Jude puffed up his cheeks and blew out an audible breath, his eyes on mine, frustrated and a little tired. On the upside, him sharing his reaction with me meant we were back to normal.

No awkwardness at all.

Well, a little bit of awkwardness. I had seen him naked and had his cock inside me. So…

I bent down to Amelia, hugging her before I pointed to Jude. "Gonna help your daddy clean up?"

She nodded excitedly. "I'm a good helper!"

I tweaked her nose. "Of course you are. I'll see you later, okay?"

She skipped around the table to help as I stood, and he inclined his head toward me, a silent thank-you.

I smiled.

He smiled.

And yeah, we would be okay.