1. Jude

ONE

JUDE

W e were always the first to arrive, so it shouldn't have bothered me. But today, it did.

I needed…

Well, hell, I didn't know what I needed.

A stiff drink and possibly to sleep for five years straight, though I had to settle for talking with my friends. We were all single dads and met once a month at Imagination Station and Play Center, but with school out for summer and everyone's mostly adaptable schedules, I'd called an audible and we'd arranged to meet again today, for the second time this month.

They couldn't deny me on my birthday.

Sebastian tucked himself into the corner, as per usual, with his Switch as Amelia scampered off to the fake grocery store. Imagination was supposed to be "educational," with play centers meant to teach kids about the real world. That was what the website stated, at least. But really, it gave parents time to relax while the kids ran themselves ragged pretending to be a veterinarian or firefighter.

I had started coming here after my wife died because I didn't know what to do with myself or the kids. It had been hard enough to get out of bed most days, and bringing them here had been an easy out for me. Then I'd met Dylan when he brought his kids around. Liam's son Finn literally ran into my legs the first day they'd arrived. And our little ragtag group of single dads was formed.

Although the other two weren't very single anymore.

Not since Dylan went and got engaged to his girlfriend a few weeks ago, and Liam fell ass over kettle for his son's nanny.

I was the odd man out.

"Hey. Where is everybody?"

I whipped my head around to Nate. "What're you doing here?"

"Got the bat signal," he said, studying the place with a furrowed brow as if he didn't know what to think about it. "Are those two kids trying to run each other over?"

I glanced to the far corner with the kid-sized car track and nodded as two boys took another run at each other. "Yep."

He blinked a few times like he didn't get it then helped himself to a seat next to me on the bench in front of the doctor's office.

Nate was one of my oldest friends, buddies since high school. He'd known me when I was still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now I was…not so much.

He snagged one of my homemade peanut butter cookies when I held up the container, and he lifted it to me in salute. "My favorite."

Baking was another habit I'd picked up after Mira's death, and I'd come to excel at it. Not only did it calm me, but I could actually enjoy the fruits of my labor. Plus, the kids loved doing it with me.

"Seriously," I started, between bites of a cookie. "What're you doing here?"

"You texted the whole group. If you only wanted this to be a dad thing, you shoulda paid attention. 'Sides…" He br ushed crumbs off his T-shirt and grinned at me. "You think I forgot it's your birthday?"

When he pulled a flask from his pocket, I smacked my hand over his. "What're you doing? You can't bring that in here!"

"Why not?" He swiveled his head, obviously checking for someone to catch him bringing alcohol into a children's play center.

"It's probably against code or something."

"Probably?" he repeated with a laugh and slid the flask back into his pocket. "Fine. But how are we celebrating today?"

I folded my arms over my stomach. "We're not."

He accepted my answer with a quiet nod and snagged another cookie as Dylan appeared to our right, following his two kids before bending to speak to them for a moment. Then Tucker sped off toward the climbing tree in the middle, while Scarlett skipped to the grocery store, waving at Amelia.

Nate raised his fist when Dylan made his way over to us. "What up?"

"What the hell are you doing here?" Dylan gruffed, knocking his knuckles against Nate's.

"Is that any way to talk to your future brother-in-law?"

Dylan rolled his eyes. Genevieve, the lovely lady who'd stolen Dylan's heart, also happened to be Nate's younger sister.

"If we're brothers, do I get to beat the crap outta you?" Dylan asked, pointedly rubbing at the side of his face. Last year, when things had gone a bit sideways between Dylan and Evie, Nate had coldcocked him. But the ship had righted, and now we were one big happy family.

"I'd like to see you try," Nate taunted. He wasn't as tall, but he did have a few pounds on Dylan. I didn't know who'd win in a fight.

Probably neither of them. It would be Liam, who showed up carrying Finn. "If I have to talk to you about biting again, we're leaving. Do you understand?"

"Okay!" Finn kicked a few times, and Liam set him on the floor. The three-year-old sprinted off, stumbling after a few steps. Liam heaved a sigh and greeted us with a raised hand.

"Cookie?" I asked, and he nabbed three before taking a seat on the bench, all four of us squeezed together.

"Wasn't made for four grown men," Nate noted.

Dylan elbowed him. "So why don't you get up and leave it to the rest of us?"

Nate shouldered him, and Liam shot out his arm. "Don't make me parent you two." Then he lifted his eyes to me. "And, hey, happy birthday."

I nodded my thanks, and we all fell into a comfortable silence for a while.

Nate broke it. "What do you do here? Just, like, watch them play?"

I huffed a laugh. "Yep."

Liam stretched out his arm, dividing the room into thirds. "We play zone defense. We each take a section, make sure there's no bloodshed."

"Like that." Dylan jutted his chin in the direction of a woman kneeling next to a crying girl, patting her knee with a tissue. "Ropes course gets 'em every time."

Nate hummed. "This is terrible, guys."

The rest of us laughed.

"Wait till you have a kid," I said. "You'll change your tune."

He shook his head. "Never happening."

"He couldn't anyway," Dylan said, surveilling his area. "His balls never dropped."

Nate scoffed. "Least my dick is bigger than yours."

Dylan smirked. "Big enough to satisfy your sister."

"Oh, fuck off with that," Nate hissed in a whisper so no children would hear him cursing .

Dylan ignored him and looked at me expectantly. When I didn't say anything, Liam leaned forward, asking, "You needed to get out of the house or what?"

I tugged on my beard. "Or what."

They all waited for me to elaborate. Which, normally, I didn't have a problem with. But this? This was difficult.

"I had a long conversation with my mom last night," I started and rubbed the heels of my palms against my eyes. "She said she wanted to set me up with someone." I yanked at my hair. I'd left it down today, the long strands past my shoulders. "I don't… I never told you guys about Lulu's birthday," I said, using my daughter's nickname.

"Her birthday?" Liam asked. "Back in December?"

I nodded. Six months ago, my daughter had turned five, and as usual, I'd invited my parents and sister over to celebrate, along with Mira's family, including her parents, George and Youmna. We were all still close, and I'd never imagine my life without my in-laws. "She wished…" I took a breath. "When she blew out her candles, she wished for a mommy."

Next to me, Nate stretched his arm along the back of the bench, offering me comfort. Dylan curled his hand around the bill of his baseball hat, his elbows on his knees, mumbling, "Sorry, man."

"We were all stunned," I went on, "but then Youmna talked to me later. Brought up the fact that the kids need someone. Apparently, I need someone."

"Do you?" Liam asked.

"No." I shrugged. "I don't know."

Mira and I had been together since high school. She'd been mine since she'd smiled at me in that first biology class freshman year, and I'd been hers since that day sophomore year when she'd finally let me kiss her outside of school. Fifteen years. We'd had each other for fifteen years.

I'd expected at least another fifty.

I cleared my throat. "She told me Mira wouldn't want to see me like this. She made me promise I'd try to find someone." I squeezed my eyes shut when they went unfocused in front of me. "So I did, but…"

I'd been on a handful of dates in the last year or two. Although the word "date" was a stretch. I'd either make the date and bail last minute or go and invent an excuse to leave a few minutes in. It wasn't like I didn't want companionship, because I did, but allowing myself to go out with another woman who wasn't Mira felt wrong. Unfaithful. I couldn't do it.

"So what happened?" Nate asked, bringing me back to the present.

"Last night, my mom reminded me of my promise to Youmna. Said she knows someone she wants to set me up with. I told her I'd think about it. But then this morning, Amelia brought up the mommy thing again, and…" I dropped my hands into my lap. Everything felt heavy today. "A part of me feels like, yeah, that little girl deserves and needs a mommy, and another part of me feels indignant, like, am I not enough?"

"You've been doing it on your own for four years," Nate said, as if I needed a reminder. "You have every right to be indignant, but you also have every right to… Move on isn't the right term, but I'm not sure what is."

"It's okay to admit you want someone in your life," Liam filled in.

"I don't, though." I stumbled only a little over the words.

Dylan eyed me. "What do you want?"

"Mira," I answered immediately, and all three of them turned away from me, giving me a few moments to get myself together. I rubbed my hand over my mouth, forming my thoughts into words. "I miss her. I miss what I had with her." Once my friends focused back on me again, I gestured toward Dylan and Liam. "I guess I'm jealous of what you have. What I had . "

Nate patted my shoulder. "You could have that again, if you wanted."

"Could I?" Because I seriously doubted it. "Mira was it for me. You only get one love of your life."

"Says who?" Nate removed his arm from behind me to help himself to more cookies.

Liam, ever the academic, offered an introspective nugget. "I think you can love a lot of people in different ways. No one way is better or worse than the other. And I don't think you should feel bad about wanting love in your life again."

Dylan nodded in agreement.

"Setting philosophy aside, I don't know if I'm ready to put myself out there again. Not to mention, what it would do to Amelia and Sebastian." Answering my friends' unasked questions, I said, "Amelia's so desperate for a mom, she would be disappointed if I started dating and it didn't work out. And Seb…" I waved in my son's direction. "You guys know how much he's struggled. He hates whenever Amelia brings up having a mom. He doesn't want to talk about anyone who isn't Mira, and I don't want to hurt him."

Nate held up his hand, half a cookie clutched in his fingers. "I don't know anything about being a parent, but letting your kids drive how you make choices doesn't seem like a great strategy to me."

"Well, you did say you don't know anything about parenting," I snipped.

Dylan slanted his head toward Nate. "He's right, though."

Nate grinned. "I'm right."

Dylan shot him a glare before telling me, "You gotta make yourself happy to make your kids happy."

I hated that advice. Because if my kids weren't happy, I wasn't happy. That was what made this all so hard. My kids weren't happy without their mom. I wasn't happy without her either.

But I'd been trying to make the best of it .

Which hadn't been easy.

Nate flicked a careless hand in the air. "I say you should put yourself out there to have some sex, man. You don't need to get married again, but you could, at least…" He craned his neck around then whispered, "Bust a nut."

Liam rolled his eyes while Dylan winced, like he didn't want to admit it. "He does have a point, though."

Nate pumped his fist up and down. "Look at me. Two for two."

Dylan leaned forward, catching my eyes. "It is possible to keep feelings out of it, if that's what you want."

"Oh, is it?" Nate mocked because Dylan and Evie's whole relationship had begun with a supposedly no-strings-attached fling.

He palmed Nate's face. "Before Gen, that's what I did. Not saying you have to do that, but you could. If you wanted to. Lots of people are up for hooking up without commitment."

"That's what you want?" Liam asked, frowning skeptically.

"I couldn't do, like, one-night stands. I think I would need to know a woman for a bit. Or not. I don't know."

Liam tilted his head side to side. "It's not like you have to make a decision one way or the other. The point of dating is to see if you like the other person, right? No one's saying you have to do anything or continue down any road. You could always try it and see what happens."

Nate moved his hands up and down like weight scales. "Get laid or live like a monk. Get laid or live like a monk. Hmm?"

Liam ignored him. "Whatever you decide, we're with you."

Dylan nodded, and Nate smacked my back. "Right. So, you coming to the bar for a drink tonight?"

I shook my head. "Already have plans."

"Hey, Finn," Liam called, "watch what you're doing. "

Dylan whistled through his teeth, waving down Amelia and Scarlett. "Girls. Share."

Nate shoved another cookie into his mouth.

I took the time to slide my cell phone from my back pocket and opened my text thread with Brooke. I texted her.

We're still on for tonight, right?

Brooke

Of course!