Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“One hundred percent,” I answer confidently. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“One hundred and one percent.” She smiles back.

Amy walks over and hands us paperwork which we both sign. I bend down to pet Blaze. She has a flicker of excitement in her eyes. Adriana holds onto Ash.

“Are you sure it won’t traumatize them to be separated?” Adriana asks again.

“As long as they get enough attention and love, no,” Amy reassures us.

It’s exactly what we both need, and Hazel is beyond happy to have Blaze come live with us. I reassure her I’m looking for a place, but like always, she’ll tell me to hush.

The ride back home is quiet as Blaze and Ash both rest their heads on Adriana’s lap. It’s not only the dogs who have a glimmer of hope in their eyes but Adriana as well. She’s grinning from ear to ear, and undeniably, she is beautiful, scars and all.

“Andy is going to fall in love with Ash. I doubt very much I’ll get him to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.”

“He sounds like a typical kid.”

“Yeah, he’s a good kid. Just hyper, exactly the opposite of his dad.” She sighs, glancing out the window.

We drive straight to the meeting, and as predicted, the group spends the hour playing with the dogs. Toward the end, Hazel politely asks us for our attention.

“Your weekly task,” she announces as Jerry lets out a huge groan. “I want you to visit your happy place.”

Penny is first to open her mouth. “Does Betty’s Back Door Brothel count?”

“God, Penny, you’re such a—” Jerry starts.

“Yada, yada, yada… talk to the hand ‘cause the face ain’t listening,” Penny bites back.

Fred shakes his head, refusing to acknowledge a place of happiness, but as Hazel works her magic ways with him, he slowly comes around and mentions a hobby store with a motorized train in the front window he enjoys watching.

I, on the other hand, have nothing.

Every place I once enjoyed is tarnished with an unpleasant memory, all of which involve being high.

“You’re struggling, I can see it,” Adriana mentions, keeping her voice low from the others. “I feel the same.”

“But you have Andy,” I tell her, glancing sideways to catch a glimpse of her troubled face. “There must be some place which makes him happy and, in turn, makes you happy.”

She remains quiet, lost in thought. Unusual from her normally vocal thought process. I place my hand on hers to reassure her.

“It’ll come to us, somehow. In the meantime, do you really think there’s a place called Betty’s Back Door Brothel?”

Adriana’s shoulders begin to move up and down, her lips curving upward as laughter escapes her lips. With her mood lightening, she begins to bloom like a wilted rose basking in the sunshine.

She places her hand on my arm as I join in the private joke, laughing along with her, trying to control herself while the others turn to see us.

Penny, not knowing what’s happening, joins in until the corner of Adriana’s eye tears up, and she begs us to stop, or she’ll pee her pants.

Hazel sits back, smiling proudly, “What do I always say?”

“Penny is always the best medicine,” Adriana and I say in unison before falling into a fit of hysterics again.

***

I lay on my side as I stroke Blaze’s fur. She closes her eyes, calm and appreciative of my gesture. In the quiet time, I hear the sound of an engine. Blaze can sense the presence as well, but her hearing is poor. There’s a tap on the screen door, and I stand up to see who’s there. I feel her before I see her, and Adriana’s smiling back at me.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she greets. “I’ve made some homemade treats for Blaze.”

I open the door and let her in. She brushes past me, and this strange feeling hits me. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s best to ignore it.

Adriana kneels to Blaze’s level and strokes her belly.

“What, so no homemade snacks for me?” I tease.

“Here’s the thing, I’m a terrible cook. I mean, I try to cook. It’s okay, but it’s not my forte.”

“I don’t believe you, Adriana. You say that about everything, and I can’t point out one thing you do wrong.”

“You’re not looking hard enough,” she says, and there it is, that self-doubt.

“I’m not looking for it.”

Her pats slow down, and I see her body language change. “Elijah once said that he didn’t care if I couldn’t cook as long as I knew how to cook pot roast, that’s all that mattered. He and my brother are pot roast freaks, and I blame my mom, who makes the meanest pot roast.”

“Your mom sounds like a very nice woman.”

“The greatest. I’d love for you to meet—” She stops mid-sentence

I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. “I would be honored to meet her as your friend.” I place my hand on hers to reassure her, calm the guilt brewing inside of her. Almost instantly, I see her shoulders relax as she tilts her head slightly to stare back at me. Today they reflect a sign of hope, a woman trying her best to fight the odds of life.

“So, this happy place we’re supposed to go to… how about I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” I offer.

She lets out a laugh. “Deal, you first…”

“You got a few hours?”

“I have two hours before I have to pick up Andy.”

I stand up and reach out for her hand to pull her up. She follows me out the back door until we’re standing on the porch.

“We’re here.”

“Uh… I don’t get it?” she asks, confused.

“When I first came to LA, I stumbled on this place when I was lost one day. I can’t explain it, there’s something that draws me in. The horses, the greenery… it’s so serene.” I take a moment to appreciate the view. “I had no idea it belonged to Hazel, none whatsoever.”

“Lost on the way to—”

I interrupt her with a slight annoyance. “No, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I… I wasn’t really… I mean, I’m not saying it’s wrong, just asking if that’s—”

“Adriana, I said I wasn’t.”

She places her hand on my forearm, a friendly gesture but one I have become so accustomed to, easing my anxious nerves. “I’m sorry, Julian, diarrhea-mouth syndrome. I trust you’re telling the truth.”

“Does it bother you? Let’s face it, we haven’t talked too much more about it, and it’s the giant elephant in the room.”

“I know you loved Charlie. It’s impossible not to. But I love my brother, and they are soul mates. Always were and will be. Redemption, Julian. You saved her.”

“I did love her, Adriana, but she was a Band-Aid. And being in Hazel’s group is teaching me that.”

“Just like anyone who comes into my life will be a Band-Aid for Elijah,” she mumbles.

I place my arm around her. “He was your husband, Andy’s father. No one can replace him. All one can do is love you and Andy the way you deserve to be loved. In time, just don’t push it away when you feel it.”

“And what about you? Don’t you think you deserve happiness?”

“Honestly? No. What am I, Adriana? I can’t love without hurting those I love.”

“You didn’t hurt Chelsea.”

“But if I had put my foot down, she’d still be here.”

“Yeah, and if I weren’t so caught up in my pregnancy, maybe I might have noticed Elijah was sick and could’ve helped him,” she answers back.

We both stay quiet, the enormity of our admissions deserving a moment of silence. There’s a gentle breeze engulfing us, and the smell of lavender fills the air creating a calm between us.

“I’m scared of being alone, not now, but forever,” I admit.

“You’ve got Blaze… and me. As long as we’re friends, you’re not alone,” she says with ease.

“Does that mean you’ll cook me pot roast when I’m suffering from male PMS?” I joke.

“Yeah, but I draw the line at picking up a pack of tampons for you.”

“Great. Nice visual,” I mock.

“Hey, you said it… man rags!”

“Too much. Eric… he’s like the gay plague.”

“Oh my, I’ll tell him you said that.”

“Don’t you dare,” I warn her.

She laughs, her gaze wandering toward the farm. All of her features soften, implying a calmness to her I’ve grown to love watching when she allows herself to be still and focus on her blessings.

“This place is so tranquil. The kind of place you could see yourself growing old in, don’t you think?”

Fixated on the serenity, there’s something to be said about the tranquility of being in a place, or presence, where the world stops revolving around you, and faith begins to restore. I never expected in my wildest of imagination to be sitting here, of all places, with Adriana Evans, clean and without cocaine running through my veins.

And while our words remain to ourselves, the silence between us is exactly what I need, and perhaps we both need. Our intent is to revive ourselves from our weakest of moments, lay the foundation to rebuild eternal happiness, just not in the way we have always envisioned and not with the people we assumed would be by our side for life.

“Yes, Adriana.” I smile hopelessly at her, allowing the calm to wash over my sins and grant me the peace I deserve. “Exactly the place I see myself growing old in.”