Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

" I s everything all right, dear?" Esther asked Caroline.

"Hhmm?" Caroline had not been paying attention, a thousand-yard stare fixed on the horizon, her mind a million miles away.

"And that pretty much answers my question," she chuckled as she nibbled on a piece of cake. "Mmmm, have you tried one of these by the way? Scrumptious."

Caroline rolled her eyes. "I thought you said you weren't going to be eating any sweets?"

"That is what I told Frederick," she said with a devilish grin. "But I do not see him anywhere here, do you?" She took another bite, and her eyes lit up. "I will not tell if you do not."

"Do not worry, I can keep a secret as well as any other."

Esther looked at her knowingly. "There is a difference, you know, between keeping a secret and simply not speaking to a person so that there is no chance to reveal said secret. They are hardly the same."

"And what does that mean?"

"I think you know."

A flat expression. "Oh, just come out and say it, will you? So that I can dismiss whatever it is on your mind, and we can get back to enjoying the day."

"All right." Esther put the cake down and looked upon Caroline with a simple, emotionless gaze. "You and Frederick."

"What of us?" A pang in her chest ignored as she had been doing the last few days.

"It has not escaped my keen sense of observation that the two of you have not set foot in the same room for, what is it now, three days? That must be a record."

Caroline looked away. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Is that so?"

"It is."

"And that is how you wish to play it?"

"There is nothing to play."

Still looking away, she could feel Esther's eyes on her, watching closely, looking for the chink in her armor to exploit. Slowly, the woman reached for the piece of cake and took another bite, chewed just as slowly, and swallowed.

"If you say so," she said eventually. "I won't push."

"Good," Caroline said rightly, her chest still feeling tight. "That will save me asking you to drop it."

Had it really been three days? She supposed it must have been, even if it somehow felt longer than that. Three whole days since she had approached His Grace in his study, told him the truth about Isabella, made sure to keep her distance and control her emotions, and then walked away without doing anything that she might come to regret.

Three whole days since she had last seen or spoken with the man who she could not stop thinking about. Three whole days, and… well, as said, it felt a lot longer than that.

Caroline had not expected to not see His Grace in that time either. It was not as if she was avoiding him purposefully. If anything, he was the one avoiding her! His reasons were his own, ones that she was infinitely grateful for as she knew that to see him again would not bode well for either of them. A good thing, she told herself determinedly. The right thing. A thing she should be happy for. And yet…

Three whole days, and with each setting of the sun and rising of the moon, she found her mind wandering more and more to His Grace, thoughts of him she did not want, desires she wished she did not feel, a pull to go and speak with him again that she fought incessantly.

And all through it, she could not help but wonder, was he feeling the same way?

"I agree that he had no right to speak to you that way," Esther continued.

Caroline eyed her. "I thought you said that you were finished with this topic?"

"I am just saying…" She put the piece of cake down again and wiped her hands clean. "I agree with you. The way he spoke to you…" She clicked her tongue. "That man has a temper on him."

"That is an understatement," she said bitterly, even if a part of her loved that side of him… what it brought out in the two of them.

"But if it is an apology that you are expecting from him, I worry that you will be waiting forever." She tittered. "I do not think that Frederick has ever apologized in his life. I would not think that he knew how."

"I do not expect him to apologize," she said… a half-truth, boarding dangerously close to a lie.

"What then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, is this how it will be then? The two of you avoiding one another until it is time to leave? I hardly think that is conducive to a hospital environment."

"I am not avoiding him," Caroline said simply. "It is just that we have not seen one another. It is hardly the same thing."

"Ha! Semantics."

"Facts."

It was a conversation that had been threatening to happen for three days now. Ever since that first morning after she had approached His Grace when he had walked into the dining room, seen Caroline sitting there, and then walked back out. Esther had taken note, frowned quizzically, but had not pressed. Thankfully.

Likely, the only reason that she hadn't brought it up until now was because there had not been time, for the two women had not been alone together since.

Today was different. Isabella and Frederick were spending the day together, giving Caroline and Esther a chance to get out of the manor for a change. Esther had wished to visit London, but Caroline had nipped that in the bud. She claimed that she wanted fresh air… obviously, unable to tell Esther that she wanted to avoid London in case she saw someone from her past life, the one she was running from. Another conversation they would one day have… likely, even more awkward than this one.

Rather, a picnic was suggested, away from the estate, near the surrounding forest, just the two of them alone in the wilderness to enjoy what was a beautiful day.

Although now, Caroline was very much beginning to regret it.

"You're not upset that he has begun to search for a new governess, are you?" Esther asked.

"What? No, of course not."

"Because that was always the plan. And yes, the way he went about telling you was a little… rude. And even I was surprised by how quickly he began the process."

"I told you, that is not a bother."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course!" she cried to which Esther raised an eyebrow to which Caroline sighed. "I am going to miss Isabella when the time comes—you know it as does Isabella—but we will be returning to your estate sooner rather than later, so it is a necessary evil. I do not begrudge him of that."

Again, Esther eyed her curiously. "If you say so, dear."

Strangely, that wasn't as much of a lie as it could have been. While Caroline was indeed saddened that within the week a new governess would likely be hired to replace her, she knew in her heart that it was the right move. And while she would indeed miss Isabella more than she could bear to admit right now… again, it was something that had to happen.

But Esther was right in her assessment that something was wrong. For three days now, it had plagued her. For three days now, it had harried her. For three days now, she had felt her mood plummet, knowing what she needed to do to fix it, unable to do just that because in her mind it was not up to her to do so.

Ultimately, and this was what hurt the most, she was beginning to concede the very real fact that things would stay this way until she and Esther returned home finally, away from here. It pained her to think of such a thing. The regret she felt literally hurt. But she also knew it was for the best.

Caroline's life was a lie. She was running and hiding. To become entangled in any way with His Grace would only force that lie to the fore, and that was a fate she could not allow to happen. No matter what. No matter how much it hurt.

"If that's the case," Esther continued warily, "I might suggest that you be the bigger person and?—"

"I am not going to apologize," Caroline snapped suddenly, sick of the probing. "I have nothing to apologize for."

"Not apologize," Esther hurried to explain. "But an olive branch. If you were to… oh, I don't know, go and speak with Frederick the next time the two of you are home. Just to make sure there is no ill will, I am sure he will happily put this horrid business behind you."

"How very big of him."

"Just a thought, dear. Just a thought." She exhaled, half-reached for the piece of cake, and then sighed. "I know that it would mean the world to Isabella if you did. She hates seeing the two of you fight."

"We are not fighting."

"You know what I mean. Isabella worships you, dear, and if she was to see you and her father speaking on good terms again, I can only imagine how happy she would be."

Caroline narrowed her eyes at Esther. "That is a dirty trick. Using Isabella like that."

She winked. "We use the tools we are given."

"Why do you even care?" Caroline sighed. "You know we will be heading home in the coming weeks, and I hope that you expect me to come with you…" She looked at Esther for confirmation, but the old woman was back to her piece of cake, acting as if she hadn't heard. "And now that His Grace is intent on finding a new governess, there is no good reason that we need to be on such good terms."

"Even for Isabella?"

"As if that is the true reason." Her eyes narrowed further, for she knew why Esther was bringing this topic up, and while it might have elated some sense of excitement within her before, Caroline had long since resigned herself to the impossibility of such an idea.

Esther pretended to look hurt. "I have no idea to what you mean."

"All right, play the fool if you wish. Frankly, I would prefer it. It makes it easier for me to ignore you."

"The same way you are ignoring Frederick, you mean."

A final rueful, warning glare shared for Esther, and Caroline went back to looking into the vast emptiness of the wilderness as she had been doing before Esther had brought this topic up. And while she might have liked to have thought of anything else, typically, her mind went straight to His Grace.

Funny that for a short time there, she had wondered, even hoped at what might become of them. After what had happened the day of the garden party, her mind had been awash with fantasies and fancies over what he had done, how it had felt, and how much she wished for it again.

Truly, right up until he had come storming into the room, shouting and snarling at herself and Isabella, Caroline had dared to dream what might be. But that day had changed everything.

She and His Grace could not work. And not because of his temper. Not because he refused to apologize for it. And not because of Isabella. At the end of the day, Caroline was living a lie, running from a past that she would not speak, hiding from those who wished to do her harm. Nobody knew of this, and if anything more was to happen between herself and His Grace, that truth might come out, and the consequences would be dire.

For that reason, she was almost happy that he had done what he had done and that he now hid from her. At least that saved her from temptation. At least now she did not have to worry about her lack of self-control and her true feelings.

Caroline had long ago accepted that she would live and die alone. Best that she accepted it now for good and moved on. As hard as that was to do…