Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

Later, after they'd showered, Sebastian rummaged in his box for some clean underwear.

"You sure you don't want a drawer?" James asked as he climbed back into bed.

"Yeah, it's fine." Sebastian extracted a pair of black boxer briefs and pulled them on. "I should probably get my own place in town."

"Oh." James's brow furrowed. "True. That makes sense."

Sebastian couldn't help thinking James sounded disappointed. He had a strong urge to take his words back, to tell James he needed a drawer and some space in the closet because he was never leaving James's side, let alone his house. But he couldn't. He didn't want to be that clingy, even if James would be accepting of such behavior after the isolation Sebastian had gone through. Sebastian needed to be independent. He needed to pull back from James enough to prove he'd be okay on his own, regardless of their relationship and whether it lasted. James couldn't be his whole world.

And Sebastian knew he could do it. He'd been heartachingly independent until now, but he knew standing on his own and being alone weren't the same thing, and to have a chance at keeping James in his life he probably needed a little space. At least enough so he could tell James the truth and deal with whatever happened afterward because as much hope as he had that their relationship would last, he harbored an equal amount of doubt.

Sebastian was always prepared for the worst. It was how he'd survived this long.

"I saw one of the town duplexes for rent when I was walking around today." Sebastian climbed into bed. "I'll call the landlord in the morning." Hazel had given him an old phone of hers after the town meeting. All he needed was a pre-paid SIM card from the General Store, and he would be back in the modern world.

James nodded. "That's a great idea." He almost sounded convinced. "It will be nice for you to live in town after the last six years."

Sebastian hated the idea of living alone, whether it was in town or not. "Totally," he agreed anyway.

The next morning, Sebastian woke up alone in bed. The sink was running in the bathroom, and after a minute, James appeared in the doorway.

He frowned at Sebastian. "Sorry I woke you."

"That's okay." Sebastian stretched.

"I was going to have a quick breakfast, then go for a swim at the rec center." James scratched the back of his neck like he was suddenly unsure of his plan. "I mean, it's been way too long since I was in the water. I usually go a few times a week."

There was an awkwardness in the air. James sounded strained, but Sebastian wasn't entirely sure why. James going for a swim was normal. Of course he'd want to get back in the pool after being stuck at Storm House.

Sebastian had the random thought that if they'd never escaped the house, he'd have built James a pool. He pushed the idea away and got up to pull on pants and a wrinkled T-shirt. "I'll join you for breakfast before you go."

James grabbed an athletic bag from the closet. "Yeah, of course."

Downstairs, Sebastian wondered if he should talk to James now. Would it be better to do it before or after he moved out? He had the feeling sooner was better, but he also didn't know if bringing up his parents' deaths right before James went swimming was the right move. It might ruin his workout.

James got the coffee started and tossed a protein bar in his bag. Sebastian knew there would never be a good time for this conversation. He'd always find a reason not to say anything. But he had to do it. James deserved the truth. He deserved so fucking much, and Sebastian wanted to be as good for him as he could, even if he doubted it would be enough.

Maybe this would end like every other good thing in Sebastian's life, but before it did, Sebastian had to try to do what was right.

"James." Sebastian gripped the counter as his stomach twisted.

"Yeah?" James turned to face him, mug in hand.

Fuck this was hard. Sebastian had about a million reasons to change his mind running through his head. He didn't have to tell James. It's not like anyone else knew the truth. He wouldn't get caught out. His selfishness might even be best. It would spare James unnecessary pain.

James set the mug down. "Are you all right?"

"No." Sebastian tried to dig his fingers into the counter. He couldn't lie or keep omitting the truth. If he did, he wouldn't deserve James .

"What's wrong?" James was at his side, a soothing hand snaking around his waist.

Sebastian pulled away. He couldn't do this from the comfort of James's arms. "You know how we're going out to Storm House later? With Eli?"

"Yeah," James said slowly, clearly not sure where this was going.

Sebastian swallowed. "It could be dangerous, and I have to tell you why."

"Okay." James's brow crinkled. "But I don't think Eli has to do much to examine the veins. It's nothing like the magic we were doing. I'm sure it will be way less dramatic than when we were messing with the fuel cell."

James needed to stop trying to comfort him.

"I didn't tell you everything about the night they transferred the curse to me."

James blinked in surprise. "Okay." He waited.

"I mean, I did at the time. When I gave you my notebook," Sebastian rambled, his heart rate picking up. "But when we found the instructions, I found something else and hid it." This would have been so much easier if Sebastian had the article. He wouldn't have to spell it out, but he figured his discomfort was punishment for the deception. If he'd done nothing wrong, he wouldn't feel so guilty.

James started to look worried. "What did you find?"

Sebastian couldn't maintain eye contact. He looked at the mug on the counter. "It was an article about your parents' accident. I had no idea until I picked up that old newspaper, but the accident happened the same night my mom and uncle transferred the curse to me."

Even though Sebastian wasn't looking, he could tell James had gone unnaturally still.

"I think we caused the accident. The blast. I swear we had no idea. But there was a sound during all the confusion, and when I found the instructions next to the article and realized it all happened the same night, I put it together. It was our fault, James, and I'm so, so sorry." He looked up and took in the shock on James's face.

"My parents' car crashed because of the transfer spell?" he asked like he didn't believe it.

Sebastian nodded. He wanted to hug James, comfort him, but he wasn't sure it would be welcome.

James rubbed his eyes for a long time before saying, surprisingly calm, "This is why you keep saying messing with the veins is dangerous?"

"Yes." Sebastian hunched forward, his arms tight around himself. "The magic the transfer released from the veins must have thrown the car off the road. We have to be really careful and can't risk anything like that happening again."

James mouthed the words thrown the car . He frowned like none of this made sense. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

Sebastian didn't have an answer. All his reasons felt too insecure and self-centered.

James crossed his arms. "Sebastian, did you think I'd blame you? You never had to feel like this was your fault."

Sebastian bit his lip. "I knew you wouldn't blame me. You're too good for that, but?—"

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing." Sebastian ran his hand through his hair. "I knew you wouldn't blame me for something I didn't mean to do?—"

"Something you didn't do," James interrupted again, harsher this time. "This was something your family did to you."

Sebastian waved that unimportant distinction away. "Okay, but they also did this to you, James. We're the reason you lost your parents. What we did in the clearing that night killed them. It's okay for you to be mad about that. Mad at them, mad at the veins. You can be upset. "

"Upset with you, you mean?" James asked, sounding hurt now. "I said I'm not."

"But are you not upset at all?" Sebastian's thoughts swirled unhelpfully. He wasn't sure why he was pushing.

"It was still an accident," James said quietly. "I've always been upset that an accident could take so much away from me, but I've tried to move past that anger. Knowing the accident was unintentionally caused by your family—I don't know what that changes. Being mad at them doesn't help. My parents are still gone."

"I'm sorry."

James rubbed his temple. "You don't have to be sorry. Not for what happened fourteen years ago. But, Sebastian, you've known about this for weeks and didn't tell me. If you didn't think I'd blame you, why hide it?"

"I don't know," Sebastian whispered. He couldn't admit any of the reasons he'd held back, that he was scared of it changing things between them, of James waking up to the fact that Sebastian wasn't who he wanted.

Sebastian had told himself over and over that James wouldn't blame him, but he'd never truly believed it. He hadn't been able to. He'd braced for James's anger, ready for the worst because the worst always happened. Sebastian already blamed himself, and that spoke louder than anything he thought he knew about James.

Nothing lasted. Everyone left him. This would be no different.

James gave Sebastian an unreadable look. "Have you been worrying about telling me this the whole time? Since you found the paper?"

"There's been a lot to worry about," he replied, purposefully vague.

"I thought we had more trust in each other than this." James turned abruptly toward the coffee maker as if he needed to watch it percolate. "I thought we were done with secrets after I broke the spell on you in the ballroom. I assumed. But it's okay. I'm sure it was a hard thing to learn, and I can imagine why you didn't tell me. We were trapped, and nothing about the situation was easy. I can't expect you to share everything with me immediately. We've only just started dating. Really, it's only been a day."

"It's been longer than that." To Sebastian, it felt like they'd been together since he'd first gotten on his knees for James. When they'd been at Storm House, separate from the world, intimacy had seemed to count more than labels. They'd been together in all the most important ways.

James adjusted the coffee mug. "In a way, it's been longer, but maybe it's best if we don't count what happened at Storm House. Or we do, but it's still only been a few weeks. There's a lot we don't know about each other, and I shouldn't expect you to automatically be comfortable confiding something this big. Even if I had a right to know since it was about my family."

James was disappointed in him. It seemed like Sebastian had proven James wrong about their relationship, as if James had already trusted him with everything and was learning Sebastian hadn't done the same.

"It's okay," James said again, abandoning the coffee to face Sebastian. "I hope we can trust each other more the longer we're together. You can always talk to me."

"I know I can talk to you, James. I'm sorry." Sebastian felt helpless. He didn't want to lose James's trust or admit he hadn't trusted James the way James trusted him, but he knew keeping big secrets like this wasn't the way to build a good relationship.

Sebastian hadn't realized his self-preservation had come at the expense of trusting James. But it had. He'd believed in the worst-case scenario more than he'd believed in James or what the two of them had together.

James rubbed his eyes again. "We should tell Eli. "

"I can talk to him," Sebastian offered, hoping that doing that for James would help.

"No, it's okay. I'll do it." James grabbed a sports drink out of the fridge. "You get that phone working and see about the duplex. I'll go meet Eli at Parker's now and talk to him, then go for my swim. Meet you back here after."

"Only if you're sure."

James gave him a kind smile. "I'm sure. And don't worry, Eli won't blame you either, Sebastian. He and I will never blame you for something you didn't do. You never had to be afraid of that." He gripped Sebastian firmly on the shoulder and left the kitchen, grabbing his swim bag on the way out.

Sebastian swallowed. His throat constricted and tears filled his eyes. He was a mess of guilt and regret. He'd been preparing for the end of everything good, but instead of helping him survive, it had made everything worse.