Thirty-One Tobias

He's mine now, the voice in my head echoed, but I ignored my brain's claim on Abel. This had gone further than it should have. This wasn't supposed to happen at all. And as if fucking him wasn't complicated enough, a curve ball was thrown my way: Abel was a virgin; I was his first. My pride swelled knowing I was the only man to fuck him, and if I had my way, that would never change.

That was wishful thinking. He'd never be mine. He would move on, and I'd be left with the memory of tonight. That was my life. Nothing hopeful and beautiful stayed with me. I was a magnet for disaster.

It'd been a risk using the candle on Abel, but it paid off. He was a trooper. Even with our safe word, I'd made sure he was all right. I chalked up my concern to his inexperience. I wanted to impose pain on him—that was part of the fun—but wax play wasn't for everyone. What was this magic spot he kept referring to? I had no clue what he was talking about, but I played along because I didn't want to spoil the moment. I knew about the G-spot in women, but did guys have one too?

"What a cum shot," Abel said through a hooded gaze. "That's the best orgasm I've ever had."

Mine had been amazing too, but I was embarrassed to admit that to him. Confessing how much I loved the sex felt like cheating on my late wife, even though she'd been gone for a long time. Torn between my loyalty to Aurora, I stood and headed to the bathroom before I said something I would regret. "Stay there," I called, disappearing behind the wall.

Am I gay? I didn't regret a second of what we'd shared, and Abel was the only one I saw when I came. What did that say about me? Did it matter? I shook my head as I dampened a washcloth with warm water. Tomorrow had to be different. Every minute we spent not thinking about getting the fuck out of here was a wasted opportunity. We had work to do.

Abel was sitting with his back against the wall, staring at his own release. A smile ghosted his face but was replaced by a grimace when he pulled his legs to his chest. I felt guilty knowing I was the cause of his agony. He noticed my presence and schooled his expression. His watchful eyes followed my steps until I was standing in front of him. My cock perked up at the sight of him staring at my naked body.

"Let me get your back," I said.

Abel scooted forward and arched his back. I squatted next to him and dabbed his back with the washcloth, wiping my cum and flakes of dried wax off his skin. I ran my finger over the red marks, wanting to kiss them but the moment had passed. "Stand up," I said.

Abel stood in silence. His eyes sparkled, as if he were asking silent questions.

I wiped the semen off his dick, lifting his balls, passing the cloth over them. Fuck if he didn't react to my touch. Surprisingly, no sarcastic comment came out of Abel. That's odd. He was a smart ass, and his quietness was uncharacteristic. I turned him around and cleaned his ass with the cloth, taking in the beautiful sight of his butt cheeks. Had I known ass-fucking would be that fun, I would've done it before. Was this only about fun with him? I cleaned his thighs and legs last before tossing the cloth in the corner of the room.

Abel's skin was covered with goosebumps. He shivered slightly as I traced the globes of his ass with my fingers. He had to be cold again. I stood and marched to my dresser, grabbing a pair of pants and T-shirt from my drawer and handing them to him. "Wear this until you get back to your room."

"Thanks," he mumbled.

Is he hurt? I shouldn't care. He wanted the sex as much as I did, but that didn't stop me from worrying about him. What if I was too much? I made sure I was gentle with him after finding out he was a virgin. Fuck! "Did …" I cleared my throat, forcing the question out of my mouth. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, you didn't." He returned to his position with his back against the wall. "That was amazing."

I sat on the opposite side of him, our long legs nearly touching. "Then what is it?" I examined his expression. There was something off about him that I couldn't put my finger on. Abel wasn't happy or sad. He just seemed … different.

He dragged in a deep breath before speaking. "I dunno how else to explain it," he began, stopping when the candlelight flickered out.

It was for the best; the darkness provided a shield from Abel's stare. His scrutiny threatened to pierce through my well-guarded armor.

"I feel alive," he continued. Silence hung between us, and I thought he was done talking. "Like this is how I'm supposed to feel," he added. "Yeah, that's it. It feels … right, you know?"

It feels right. He had pulled the words out of my mouth. I did know, because I felt the same. The difference between Abel and I was that I wasn't brave enough to admit my feelings. Comical, considering what I did for a living. I'd faced terrifying horror for as long as I could remember, and here I was, afraid to tell Abel how I felt. I could add that to the short list of things that could bring me to my knees—confined spaces, the smell of bleach, and sharing my feelings. And if I wasn't careful, Abel could be my ultimate pitfall for all of them.

"Have you done anything like that before?" he asked. I could feel his piercing eyes even in the dark. They were sharp darts aimed right at me.

"With a man? No."

"How about with a woman?" Abel shifted, but I could still see his silhouette.

"No." That truth came out of my lips surprisingly easier. What Aurora and I shared was nothing like what Abel and I did—not as primal, not as explosive, not as addictive.

"Good. It'll be something only between you and me," he said. His voice moved closer, along with his body.

You and me. I could learn a thing or two from Abel. Maybe I could be honest and courageous like he was. Maybe. For someone as young as he was, he seemed to have a grasp of what was important: integrity, loyalty, and responsibility. Character traits not even Orcus and his terrorizing guards could take away from him.

Abel moved to sit next to me and rested his head on my shoulder. The fresh scent of soap lingered between us. "Is this okay?" he asked wearily, his leg brushing against mine.

"Uh-huh," I answered.

"How about this?" He traced my abs with his fingers, gliding through one ridge at a time.

My breath hitched, but I let him continue until his hand reached my chest. Sirens tolled in my head, but I was frozen. It was as if my brain and my heart were out of sync. This is fucked up, Tobias. Get rid of him while you can. Tell him to get the fuck out. "I'm sorry about what I said," I admitted instead.

"Said about what?" Abel's palm made its way to my sides before his hand journeyed to my arm.

"Your friends."

He drew shapes on my forearm. It took a second before I realized that Abel was outlining my tattoos. "It's all right."

"No, it's not all right. You were right. I'm not like you. I was a terrible friend to your dad," I whispered.

"You're not a terrible friend, Tobias." His thumb sketched the length of the ink on my biceps. In the dark? Did he have the drawings memorized? "Dad would've understood your situation. You needed help yourself. He could've been there. We could've been there for you," he insisted, followed by a yawn.

I'd been so lost in his presence that I'd forgotten the time. It had to be past two in the morning by now.

"You're here now. That's what matters." He caressed my thigh, and I couldn't breathe. Abel yawned again, louder this time.

"Why don't you get some rest and I'll wake you up before sunrise?" I offered.

"What about you?" Abel lifted his head from my shoulders, and I swore he was staring at me. "You'll need to rest too."

"I'll be fine," I assured him, again thankful for the darkness between us.

"Can I lie here with you?" he asked, his sweet breath fanning my lips.

"Yeah."

Abel lay on his side, resting his head on my lap.

I raised my hand, debating whether I should touch him. Fuck it, he can't see me anyway. I ran my hand through his hair and placed my other hand on his shoulder.

"That's nice," he murmured. "Good night, Tobias."

"Sweet dreams." It could just be my imagination, but I swear I felt Abel plant a kiss on my thigh.

In this moment of solace, after the storm had passed and the moon was casting its pale silvery light through my broken window, Abel succumbed to sleep in my arms. There was an innocent intimacy in our position that was devoid of ulterior motives. It ignited a warmth within my heart that I hadn't felt in ages.

Watching Abel sleep, I couldn't help but be mesmerized by the rise and fall of his muscular chest. The soft sound of his breathing was a soothing melody in the quiet night. My life had always been filled with turmoil. I'd grown accustomed to the chaos and danger that followed me like a shadow. This time of tranquility was a rare gift.

As I gently stroked his buzzed hair, I reflected on how long it had been since I'd allowed myself to truly relax—to let my guard down for even a moment. I yearned to simply be present, unburdened by the weight of responsibilities of the world I lived in and the past that plagued me. But reality loomed ever closer, a harsh reminder that peace from the storm that was waiting for me outside these walls was temporary. I would have to return to the dangerous life I belonged to, where every step was fraught with peril and every decision could mean life or death for me and those around me.

Tonight, I'd give myself permission to cherish this moment with Abel. Storing memories and locking them in my heart so I could go back to this time when I took my last breath. Time passed and the world outside remained oblivious to the experience Abel and I had shared; an experience that might never happen again.