Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty-Six

D awson hated the tension between him and Caroline, and he hated that he hadn't welcomed her with a smile and a kiss, and he absolutely loathed this silence between them.

"I can hear you not talkin'," he finally said.

"I just—" Caroline cut off, perpetuating the not-talking she was doing.

"Just say what you came here to say."

"I don't know what to say," she admitted. "I came because God told me to come, and He told me to talk to you, but I don't know what to say."

Dawson smiled to himself, his eyes trained on the movement of his knife and the shavings falling to his feet. "God's not giving you the words?"

"No." She huffed out her breath. "He's being very silent right now, and I'm—well, you know what? I'm trying to give myself to God, the way Pastor Glover said to do weeks ago, so I'm just going to sit here and wait until He gives me the right thing to say to keep you in my life."

Dawson looked up then, his hands coming to a stop. He glanced over to her, but Caroline had her eyes fixed on something out on the ranch.

"The silence between us has always been comfortable," he said. "Because I just liked being with you. But this is uncomfortable."

"Well, you're going to have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable," she said. "Because God told me to come talk to you, and I'm not leaving until I do." She threw him a semi-scathing look and then went back to gazing out into the darkness.

Dawson went back to his whittling, though he was literally just shaving the stick down to nothing, the curls of shavings falling to the porch for him to clean up later.

A minute went by, then another. Finally, Caroline said, "Every time I came to your ranch, I'd toss something shiny out the window for Rocks to find."

Dawson's heartbeat accelerated as his surprise flowed through him. One, he sure liked being with Caroline, even if they were sitting in uncomfortable silence. He sure liked the sound of her voice, and he sure liked that he wasn't out here alone, stewing in his own thoughts.

"No wonder he's been bringing me quarters and random bits of metal." He looked over to her. "Where did you even get those?"

She smiled at him, and there was his beautiful Caroline. "I never threw random metal onto the ranch," she said. "I value my life, thank you very much."

"What did you throw then?"

"Mostly coins," she said. "Half of an old pocket watch I found on another ranch. Once, Judy made a shiny star out of some soda cans. I tossed one of those. Anything I thought would make you smile."

Dawson could only stare at her.

"I can hear you not talkin'," she teased.

Dawson finally cracked a smile and set aside his knife. His pulse ricocheted through his body, but he better tell her the truth. Dawson didn't know how to do otherwise. "I was considering breaking up with you," he said. "But every time I thought about it, my heart would start to scream, and I knew I couldn't do it."

Caroline wiped at her eyes, which made Dawson's heart crack. "Did you cancel the Mississippi River Cruise?"

"No, ma'am."

"I can feel the space between us," she said. "I hate it. I didn't think I'd like having someone so close, but it turns out, I do." She shrugged, her tears slipping from one eye now. "And not just someone, Dawson Rhinehart, but you. I like having you close to me. "

He got up and went to kneel in front of her. "I'm sorry for the distance."

"If you need it, that's fine," she said. "I understand I'm a frustrating person from time to time, but I would really like a chance to give myself to God, and then you can decide if she's not the right person for you."

He took both of her hands in his. "Okay," he said. "I'm sorry the ranch is so busy right now."

"This is why we have the year," she said. "So I can see what life is like in the spring, the summer, the fall, the winter, on a ranch."

"The fall is hectic," he muttered, dropping his head again. Now his hands held still, holding hers, the mix of their skin tones and textures so different and yet fitting together so beautifully.

"You wanna come in and have an ice cream sandwich?" he asked.

"Yes," she said. "That is exactly what I want."

He got to his feet and offered Caroline his hand. Their eyes met, and Dawson pulled her closer. She sort of stumbled into his arms, and Dawson breathed in the scent of her hair, her skin, her very being.

"I love that you came up here tonight," he said. "I love that you came even though you didn't know what to say, and I adore that you made room for me tonight."

Caroline nodded, her eyes full of intensity that slowly faded.

"I don't need you to change completely for me," he whispered as he leaned forward and touched his cheek to hers. "That's the last thing I want, actually. If you feel like you need to change, then do it for you, darlin', okay? Not for me."

He pulled back and looked into her eyes again. "If you do it for me, you'll end up resenting me the way you do Joe. It has to be for you."

"It is for me," she said. "I heard the pastor, and her words penetrated right into my heart. I do need to rely on the Lord more, and I know that. I don't have to be the strong one all the time."

Dawson pushed her hair back off her face, and she sighed as her eyes drifted closed. He smiled at her, her softness infusing into his heart. And he knew in that moment that he loved her.

She opened her eyes and looked at him again. "I've never cried in front of a man," she said. "And tonight, I did, and you didn't scorn me or look at me in disgust, and I…feel like I gave some of my pride to God, and it felt real nice."

"I'm glad," Dawson said.

"I'm not changing for you, Dawson," she said. "I'm not." She shook her head. "I'm changing so I can be the woman who gets to be an ‘us' with you." She smiled then, and she leaned into his chest in a way that made him feel strong and sexy and wanted and desirable. "Will you kiss me? I just want to know we're okay for now. "

"I can do that, darlin'." And he could, and he did, because kissing Caroline was life-changing every single time. And in fact, this time, as Dawson kissed Caroline, he definitely sensed something different in her touch. In her. Between them.

It could've been a change inside him, because she reformed him with every breath he took. Or it could've been a change in her, but Dawson definitely felt the shift between them. He felt like they were together, and that they could absolutely become the "we" and the "us" he'd always wanted to be part of.

She pulled away first, and said, "All right, now I want ice cream and to see the plans for our river cruise."

Dawson took her face in his hands and gazed at her for just another couple of moments. He grinned, glad when she did too, and said, "Yes, ma'am."