Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

C aroline smiled down at her phone as Belle drove them all to church. "Oh, he's the sweetest baby in the whole world," she murmured to herself. She still marveled that Dawson's friends had accepted her into their group so readily. But they had, as this text had come from Finn Ackerman himself.

He hadn't only texted it to Dawson and expected him to forward it along. No, she'd become part of their group simply because she was with Dawson.

And as she gazed at the beautiful fair baby boy on the screen, Caroline's heart squeezed at her.

She wanted children. She'd always known she wanted to be a mother someday, but she'd spent a great deal of time thanking God that she had not had any children with Joe. She'd have been tied to him forever that way, and God had been merciful by not giving her children in her first marriage.

"They named him Theodore Baxter Ackerman," she said, reading aloud from the text. "I guess Baxter is Edith's maiden name." She looked up and away from the precious infant. "They were fun. I hope we get to hang out with them again."

Belle said nothing, and Caroline looked over to her to find her fingers gripping the wheel tightly. She quickly put her phone in her purse. "Sorry," she said, as Belle had been able to get pregnant with Judy fairly quickly into her marriage, but she'd never been able to have a second child.

She'd just started to explore possible reasons why when she'd discovered her husband's infidelity.

The rest of the ride to the little white church building with the big stained glass window happened accompanied by tension and silence. It wasn't until Caroline opened her door that the mood broke, and all the difficult things that had accumulated in the car simply got whisked away by the wind.

Judy didn't seem to notice the way Caroline's lungs clenched around the oxygen, and she skipped ahead of her and toward the steps of the church.

"I'm sorry," Caroline said again as she joined Belle at the front of the car.

"It's not your fault," Belle said with a sigh. "I should be happy for people who get to have babies. "

"You have a beautiful daughter," Caroline said, smiling ahead to Judy. She didn't say it was more than she had, because they both knew it to be true.

"Howdy, ladies," a cowboy drawled, and everything inside Caroline lit up. She turned toward her handsome boyfriend, hoping Dawson's appearance wouldn't further upset Belle.

"Hey," she said as she moved to the right toward him. He took her easily under one arm, quickly swiping his lips along her cheek. She did the same to him, feeling the weight of his hand on her hip and the zing of pleasure from his touch. "Did you get the picture of Theodore?"

"Sure did."

"Isn't he the cutest?" She deliberately held back while Belle went ahead, collected Judy from where she'd crouched to look at something, and started up the stairs. Only then did Caroline link her arm through Dawson's and take the first step to follow her sister.

"Do you want children, Dawson?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said. "I think that would be real nice."

"You're good with kids," she said.

"So are you."

They started up the steps too. "For a while there, I didn't think I had the patience for children," she said. "But I've learned a lot, and I've really enjoyed having Judy living with me. "

Dawson simply switched his hand to her lower back as she preceded him into the church, and he leaned in close to ask, "Can I sit with you and Belle today?"

Caroline's heartbeat bumped erratically through her veins. "I think maybe just you and I should sit together."

"Is Belle okay?"

"She's…." Caroline searched for the right word. "Grieving."

Dawson's jaw jumped, but Caroline had chosen the right word. It was hard to believe she had one life, only to find out she didn't. Had never had what she thought she'd had.

"Let's just sit over here." She led the way into the chapel and to one of the shorter pews on the left. Dawson filed in dutifully behind her, and she sat down. He didn't get too close, so Caroline closed the distance between them, really snuggling into his chest as he lifted his arm and put it around her.

"I love your hair clipped back like that," he whispered. "I love your shoes and how white they are, and I adore that we get to sit together at church today."

She smiled at the charge in his voice, and she took his hand in both of hers. "It's the first time."

"Is it significant for you?" he asked.

"A little," she admitted.

"Me too." He shifted slightly, but services hadn't started yet, so she didn't expect him to stand quite yet. "I looked into the river boat cruise like you asked. They've got one at the end of June that would work real nice with my schedule on the ranch."

"No branding or breeding in June?"

He chuckled huskily in her ear. "A lot of agriculture, which means my brothers can spare me for a few days."

"It'll be humid and hot in June."

"Sure will, but I don't think we're ready to go right now," he said. "And I can't be gone too much in the fall. There's so much with bringing the cattle back, market day, the harvest…."

"So in a couple of months," she said.

"Two and a half," he said. "You'll have had your birthday by then, and you'll know if you can stand me for a road trip and then a boat trip."

"A road-boat trip," she murmured as the band started to play. They couldn't talk much more about this right now, so Caroline put it in her pocket for later. She did want to go on a road trip with Dawson, and six months into their relationship sounded about like the perfect time to do it.

After the rousing opening number, Pastor Glover stood up and headed for her place behind the microphone. Caroline liked the woman's sermons, and she liked her brother's too. She always felt safe and like she was with friends when she attended church, and she settled into a restful state in Dawson's arms as the pastor started to speak.

"When I was a child, my father was training for a marathon. He'd get up before work and run. He'd run after work sometimes. When he got faster, he did something I didn't understand as a little girl." She smiled out into the crowd, and she had such a way with storytelling. Caroline loved listening to her, and she tried to piece together where Pastor Glover was going in the story before she got there.

"He put books in a backpack and started to run with the backpack. Every week, he'd add another book. He let my brother and I pick them, and I tried to pick the thickest, heaviest one, thinking it would be too hard for him to carry."

Pastor Glover gave a light laugh. "Of course, he could run with the books, and the extra weight helped him get stronger. When the day of the race came, and he wasn't wearing the backpack of books, he practically flew . It was incredible to watch, almost like he'd grown wings on his feet and wasn't burdened by anything anymore."

Caroline suddenly knew where the pastor was headed.

"When we carry unnecessary burdens, we may start to feel like we're strong enough to walk alone. That we don't need the help of the Lord. That we don't need Him in our lives at all. But my friends and neighbors, when we discard our burdens at the feet of the Lord, He makes it so we can fly. He makes it so the things troubling us—whether those be sins or mental turmoil, or physical ailments—are like shedding that backpack. You see, when we rely on God, we're stronger than when we carry the backpack of books. Because we're lighter, we can fly."

Caroline very much liked this idea of flying, of not carrying the weights life had placed upon her.

"It sounds so easy to lay your burdens at the feet of God," Pastor Glover said next. "But it's not as easy as it sounds. None of us likes to feel like we can't handle the things in our lives, and it takes true humility to shed who you were before and become someone new through the blood of Jesus Christ."

Caroline had done a lot of changing in her life, this proverbial "shedding" the pastor was talking about. But as she sat there, she realized she'd given nothing to God. She'd carried it all herself. She'd wanted to carry it all herself.

Doing so had made her stronger, but now Caroline wondered if she could fly—if she could figure out how to set down the burdens of her old self and become someone new.

The pastor continued to talk about the ways God had given them to find their way to Him, including the scriptures, the rest of the Sabbath Day, sermons like this, prayer, and more.

Caroline found herself sinking into a prayer, her eyes falling closed and everything. Lord , she thought. I want to be the person You'd like me to be. I want to trust You explicitly and lay down the things I'm carrying that I don't need in my backpack. Will You…Will You help me know what those things are and how to set them down?

She didn't get an immediate answer, and her eyes fluttered open again as Dawson lowered his head and whispered, "You okay, sweetheart?"

Caroline drew in a breath that made her emotions shake. She nodded, though, because she was okay, and she had confidence that while God hadn't answered her prayer right this moment, He would.

She turned her head toward Dawson and whispered, "Will you come to lunch at the house today?"

"Today? Like, in an hour?"

"Yes."

"With you, Belle, and Judy?"

"Yes," she whispered.

He hesitated for a moment before he straightened and looked back toward the front. He hadn't answered, and Caroline sure didn't like the buzz of anxiety in her chest. She could admit that she hadn't brought Dawson around the house much, but they'd been dating for a few months now, and Belle would have to figure out how to have him around.

Because Caroline wanted him around.

The sermon ended, and Caroline stood to sing the closing hymn. Dawson did the same, and once the meeting had ended, he turned right into her. "I'll come to lunch. "

Caroline beamed at him, wishing she wouldn't feel guilty if she kissed him right there in the chapel. "Great." She leaned into his chest. "Now, go on. My thoughts are so big, and I need to get outside so they can get out of my head."

"Big thoughts, huh?" He gave her a grin before turning to step into the aisle. "I want to hear about those."

Caroline would like to tell him—once she sorted through everything herself.