Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

C aroline paced on the back deck, still wearing her putrid half-yellow, half-forest-green shirt and her work shorts. She'd gone straight to the cupboard to get the Biscoff when she'd gotten home and found Belle's car gone.

"Where is she?" Displeasure streamed through Caroline. Why couldn't anything be easy? Why couldn't she have met Dawson a year ago, when Belle was whole and there were no owls between them?

"The owls are not an issue," she told herself as she dug into the jar of Biscoff for another spoonful of comfort. "His daddy didn't even blink when Dawson introduced you." Nothing about their relationship was scandalous. People met through their jobs all the time.

She scoffed as the deliciously sweet cookie butter hit her tongue. You don't even have a relationship to label. Something couldn't be scandalous if it didn't exist.

She'd just licked the spoon clean when Judy yelled, "Aunt Caroline! We're he-ere!"

Caroline spun from the back railing of the deck, caught with her stress treat in her hand. Before she could move, Judy came running outside with all her six-year-old enthusiasm. "Guess where we went?"

Caroline stabbed the spoon in the Biscoff jar and set it on the railing behind her as she asked, "Where?"

"To this really cool buffaloes museum." She wore the look of someone who'd just been told that unicorns exist—and she'd seen one.

"Buffaloes." Caroline laughed as she shook her head. "That's not how you say it."

"What's the plural of buffalo?" Belle asked, and Caroline lifted her gaze to find her sister standing in the doorway, a kind smile on her face.

Judy turned toward her, her smile slipping. "Buffaloes."

"It's just buffalo," Belle said. "Like deer, remember?"

"Sure," Judy said, though she clearly didn't remember. She skipped past Caroline and into the back yard. "Then Momma bought us cheeseburgers on the way back!" She started singing about cheeseburgers and French fries as she went through her exploration of the yard.

That left Caroline to face Belle, and as she did, something welled up in her throat. The choking sensation filled her whole mouth and ballooned up into her brain. These feelings couldn't stay here, and with everything feeling too hot and like it might explode at any moment, she said, "I have to talk to you about Dawson."

Belle's expression changed from one of ease, and plural buffaloes, and a fun afternoon with her daughter, cheeseburgers, and French fries to one of surprise.

Caroline almost scoffed. Surely Belle knew Caroline had been texting him. She flipped her phone over whenever they were together, and she silenced it whenever his sound came in.

"He's asked me out," she said. "And I'd like to go out with him." Those few words—how many had she spoken?—freed everything else inside her. "I know you're going through a really hard time with Chuck and being here and wondering what your life is going to be." Caroline held up one hand as Belle opened her mouth to say something.

Probably to deny everything Caroline had just said. But they both knew Belle had been a complete mess since she'd arrived in Three Rivers. Caroline had been praying and praying for ways to help her sister, and she'd only ever gotten one answer.

Be there.

If she dated Dawson, she wouldn't be there for Belle.

A tear ran right down the middle of her soul, and a mighty wail came rising from it .

"I'm still going to be here," she said. "I am. Even if I could see him once a week, I think we'd both take that. But I won't go out with him if it's just too much for you." Caroline meant every word, though she immediately started praying.

Please don't let her say it'll be too much for her , she thought. Please, please, please. One date a week isn't that much.

"I can go to his cabin for lunch," she said, seizing onto the silence and injecting something into it. "You won't even know I'm dating him."

Belle's surprise had melted into something else, but Caroline wasn't entirely sure what emotion she wore now. She'd gotten good at masking how she really felt, but the moment she spoke, Caroline would know the truth. Belle could hide things on the surface, but voices came from deep within a person, and she was a terrible liar.

"How can I keep you from dating him?" Belle asked, a fair bit of anguish in her voice. "I can't do that." She moved closer and right into Caroline's arms. "If anyone deserves the kind of happiness we both dream about, it's you."

"It's just a first date with a cowboy," Caroline whispered, though her afternoon, evening, and late-night texting sessions with Dawson could probably be counted as several dates. She shivered in her sister's arms at the thought of the way he'd kissed her today .

All around her lips, but never landing on them.

"Which one's Dawson?" Belle asked as she stepped back. She wiped her eyes as she moved past Caroline to the edge of the deck. She folded her arms, protecting herself as she watched Judy play in the yard. "Isn't he the one you griped about for months?"

"Yes," Caroline clipped out. "But he's really sweet in real life, and I don't know. I at least want to try."

"We sat by his parents at the New Year's fundraiser," Belle said.

Caroline moved to her side and nodded. "Yep."

"You disappeared with him." Belle sounded accusatory, and Caroline's defenses rose straight up. "You said it was a ‘lame breakfast' though he did know how to make the hash browns you like."

"Maybe I was trying to protect both of us." Caroline crossed her arms too, trying to hold everything together. "I've never thought I'd date again. Or get married." She didn't need to explain more to Belle.

A new, horrible, agonizing thought filled her, drowning out what Belle said next. You don't have to tell Belle, but you will have to tell Dawson.

He knew she'd been married, and she'd stood up to him when he'd hung up on her, but he didn't know the whole iceberg, the knobbled, craggly ledges of ice that existed beneath the surface of a divorce.

"…go out with him?" Belle asked.

Caroline blinked. "Sorry, what? "

"When are you going to go out with him?"

"I don't know. Friday night," she said, her mind splitting and coming back together quickly. "It's really okay? I mean, it might be terrible."

Belle scoffed, doing what Caroline had wanted to do a few minutes ago. "Please. You should've seen your face when you said you wanted to go out with him."

"Oh? What did I look like?"

"Like you're dying to see him right now. Like you won't make it through dinner if he doesn't show up and give you a reason to keep living."

Caroline finally turned to look at her sister. Their eyes met, and she saw so much of herself inside Belle. The strong parts of her that she'd developed over the past few years of heartache, trauma, and healing. Belle's were babies, while Caroline had definitely had time to build up her wells of strength. She had strategies for when she started to backslide, doubt herself, or long for something she didn't truly want.

Belle would get there, but as Caroline looked at her, she knew she wasn't there yet.

"I do not need him to show up before dinner so I can keep living," she said dryly.

Belle burst out laughing, a drastically different sound than Caroline had heard her make recently. It lifted her heart and calmed her soul, and she allowed herself a small smile. Maybe she'd like to see Dawson, but she didn't need to in order to keep breathing .

Belle's fingers found Caroline's and held on. "Really, sissy. Go out with him. Maybe it'll be wonderful and you'll finally find a man who'll cherish the ground you walk on."

"Maybe," Caroline murmured. "It's not like we'll go fast," she said. "My rule is?—"

"All four seasons and a road trip," Belle said together with Caroline. "I know."

"And Thanksgiving, Christmas, and both birthdays," she said. "I'm not ever going to have my birthday ignored again."

"Does this Dawson know when it is?"

"Not yet," Caroline said. "And I'm not going to tell him that what he does for me is a deal-breaker."

"Hmm," Belle said. "That seems unfair. Seems like you're setting him up to fail."

"No," Caroline said. "That's why you date for at least a year to get all the experiences. I want to know how he celebrates things. Him. Not me influencing him."

"Okay," Belle said, a heavy dose of doubt in her voice. "You know what you want, Caroline, I know that."

"Yes," she said as she squeezed her sister's hand. "And it's not Biscoff for dinner, so since you and Judy already ate, I guess I'm on my own."

"I called you," she said. "You didn't pick up."

"I was maybe in the office," she said. "I swear, that place is a black hole."

"Order that Chinese food you like."

"Ooh, good idea."

"And go text Dawson." Belle gave her a shaky smile that strengthened after only a minute. "I promise I won't ruin things for you, okay?"

"It's not going to be easy for you." Caroline's worry tripled, but she had a coping mechanism for this. "I know it's not my job to make sure you're okay," she said quietly. "You have to make sure you're okay. I can help by doing certain things or not doing them, for sure. But…."

"I am going to be okay if you start dating," Belle said. "Okay? I promise I am."

"I'm just worried." Caroline released her sister's hand and put her arm around her. "I know what this feels like for you, and I want to be here for you."

"You are," she said as she leaned into her. Belle had lost about twenty pounds in the past couple of months, and she seemed like such a shell of the person Caroline had once known and loved. Of course she still loved her, but she felt like she was getting to know her all over again.

A new, different version of her.

She took a deep breath, becoming a new, different version of herself. A woman who'd finally told her sister about a handsome cowboy who would surely kiss her properly on their first date on Friday night.

"Okay." She exhaled. "I'm going to go call for Chinese and let Dawson know that we're on for this weekend."

"Okay," Belle said, and Caroline took her Biscoff and went back toward the house. She capped the jar and put the spoon in the sink to load into the dishwasher later. She looked out the window to find Belle sitting on the top step of the deck, her knees drawn to her chest. In the fetal position almost.

Her heartbeat crunched and shrieked, and Caroline didn't see how she could possibly go out with Dawson, no matter what Belle said.

"You're not responsible for fixing her," she told herself, something she'd said hundreds of times in therapy about her ex-husband. "You're only responsible for fixing yourself. For how you feel."

She couldn't control Joe or what he said or felt. How he acted. That belonged to him.

Caroline could control what she said or felt, as well as how she acted. And she didn't have to be small or less than she was so anyone could feel better about themselves or their life.

"I just didn't think that should include Belle," she murmured. Her phone vibrated in her pocket, and Caroline took it out, her fingers brushing the gross fabric of her work uniform. She needed a shower, dinner, and to call Dawson.

But he'd texted. Thinking about you and praying for you and Belle. Did they like the chili-taco-dillas ?

In the wake of her stress, Caroline had forgotten about the chili quesadillas. She quickly tapped out a message to Dawson, hoping it would spur him into a good mood the way it had her.

Talked to her, Dawson, and we're….

ON FOR FRIDAY!